Q&A: Sexual Frustration After Separation

“My husband and i have been together for 11 years and he just recently left me for another women 2 months ago.  i am 33 and in my prime raging with sexual frustration.  My question is now being married and in the beginning stages of divorce i am missing sex and intimacy.  I don’t desire him back due to finding out about 7 years of lying and cheating but this sexual frustration is too much to bear.  A guy friend of mine of course wants to help me out but i have a tight devotion to the Lord and strong convictions and know it is not in my best interest or his.  Is there anything biblically wrong with me using a vibrator to help me through this crisis in my life?”

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am that you are going through this.  What a very tough situation to find yourself in.  Divorce is never easy, and when you add years of lying and cheating into the mix it is even more painful.

I think that it is natural to miss sex and intimacy after being married.  You had both for years and now it has been taken from you.  Of course there is going to be a void there.  The danger I see is this guy friend who is available to “help you out” with this void you are feeling.  You are vulnerable and are being tempted right now to do something that you know is not right, but look at what God tells us:

Matthew 26:41 (NIV)

41″Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

You said that you have a tight devotion to God and you know it isn’t right.  I know that you feel your convictions are strong, and that is a good thing.  But I also know that temptation can be hard to resist when you are lonely.  It is easy to let someone step in and try to “help you feel better” when you are feeling defeated.  I encourage you to take steps to ensure that you will not fall here, such as making sure that you and your male friend are never alone together.  Do not put yourself in a situation where it would be easy to give in. Instead of looking to him, and others to help fill this chasm that has been created in your heart, I encourage you to look to our Lord to fill it!  Use this time to draw closer to him.  Get more involved in your church or women’s group.  Fill your iPod with uplifting songs of praise.  Devote more time to reading God’s word so that you will deepen your relationship with Him.  He wants you to look to Him to meet your needs.   As the Psalmist said in Psalms 32, let God be your hiding place.  Let Him protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance.  Listen to this song and think about letting God fill that intimacy void in your life…

Let’s look at another passage of scripture:

1 Corinthians 10:12-14 (NIV)

12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

God says that when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under the temptation.  Right now you are hurting and vulnerable.  You are frustrated and missing the sex and intimacy that you once shared with your husband.  I’ve already talked about letting our Savior help you with the intimacy part.  I believe that as you draw closer to Jesus and actively pursue a deeper relationship with Him, the need for a sexual relationship will lessen some.  I’m not saying it will cease to exist, just that it will not control your life to the point of extreme frustration, because you will be focused on things that are good and pure.

And when the times come that you do need sexual release, then masturbate.  If you have read any of our site, then you should know that we do not think that masturbation = sin.  Remember the part about God providing a way out so that you can stand up under temptation?  Well, if you are relieving your own sexual urges when they arise, then you will be less likely to fall into sexual sin with someone else.  So that I’m clear here… yes, it is my opinion that using a vibrator on yourself is perfectly fine, so long as your thoughts are pure.  It is entirely possible to masturbate without fantasy involved at all (even though some people do not believe this).  The sin would be if you were thinking of and lusting for your male friend or someone else while doing so.  So be sure to guard your heart and mind when you find yourself having to “take the edge off.”

Making the transition to a life without sex, after being married, can be a huge adjustment.  It’s hard for many married people to understand, because they haven’t been in that situation before.  I’m so glad that you wrote in to us because there are probably other women out there who are facing similar circumstances in their own lives.  If anyone else has been through this before, maybe they will leave some advice or encouragement in the comment box.

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