Sept.12: The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie OMartian
Your mission for this week is a simple one. Have your husband select a number from 1 to 48 then go to our position of the week section and see which position corresponds with the lucky number. Try to incorporate this position into a lovemaking session sometime this week. If you select a position that seems too difficult try it anyway. Who knows, you may invent something brand new from trying.
Shannon’s Bio: Shannon is a million-copy best-selling author, speaker, lay counselor, and advocate for healthy sexuality with a master’s degree in counseling/human relations from Liberty University. She has spoken to youth, college students, and adults since 1989 and her passions include: Challenging adults and teens to embrace a life of sexual integrity, encouraging married couples in their pursuit of sexual and emotional fulfillment, counseling women who have looked for love in all the wrong places and equipping parents to instill sexual values in children at an early age.
Christian Nymphos: What are the most significant things that you see competing with young people growing up with a healthy sexual understanding?
Shannon Ethridge: Most teens think that if they are ever going to have good hot sex, they’d better do it now when they are single, because once they get married they probably won’t see much action. Where do they get that notion? From tons of things they see in the media (frigid wives, frustrated husbands), but mainly from their own parents’ relationship. Over 90% of teens say they don’t want a relationship like the one their parents have, and most that I talk to insist that their parents don’t even have sex. I usually laugh and ask, “How do you think you got here if your parents don’t have sex?” Then they’ll acknowledge, “Well, my parents must have had sex before, but based on how they treat each other, I can’t imagine that they do anymore.” This is a sad report card, and a wake up call for us parents.
CN: How can parents best communicate and instill healthy sexuality in their kids?
SE: If we want kids to aspire to enjoying a healthy sexual relationship in marriage, we’ve got to do a better job of exemplifying what a healthy relationship looks like. Kiss. Hold hands. Snuggle on the couch while watching television. Go out on dates. Give your kids something to look forward to. Also, open lines of communication are key. Tell your children, “You can ask me anything you want to ask about sex, and you can use whatever words you need to use in order to ask it!” Never punish them or respond with shock and horror when they do ask questions, but certainly don’t wait for them to initiate! Give them healthy doses of preventative medicine at every stage of development. Remember, sex education isn’t a one-time plumbing lesson. It’s ongoing character development. Every Young Woman’s Battle would be a great tool to put in the hands of your teen and college-age girls, and for parents of daughters even younger (8-12 years old) I suggest reading Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle together. Both books are available at www.shannonethridge.com, and there are also male corollaries to each of those books for your sons, available at www.fredstoeker.com.
CN: Does the same gender parent have more influence on their children or do both parents play a part in influencing sexual health?
SE: Both parents play unique key roles. The same-sex parent teaches the child about their own masculinity or femininity and helps them grow comfortable in their own skin and with their own sexuality. The opposite-sex parent teaches the child how to be treated in relationship. That’s why I encourage dads to take their daughters on dates, and for moms to do the same with their sons. Together, mom and dad can help them feel good about themselves and set their relational standards high.
CN: What about single parents? How can they teach their kids to view their sexuality in a proper way?
SE: It’s okay to just be honest and say that you want more for them than what you were able to achieve for yourself. Don’t fear sounding hypocritical, as it’s not about you anymore. It’s about them, and a single parent would certainly hope that their children have a more successful marriage than they had. Don’t focus on what your spouse did wrong. Acknowledge your part in the dance of discontentment, and teach them how to choose a healthier path. And if you choose to date, model the type of behavior you’d expect from your child. Dress flatteringly but appropriately. Remain in public areas of the house rather than taking your date behind a closed bedroom door. Keep public displays of affection to a socially acceptable level so that your kids aren’t rolling their eyes, gagging, and yelling, “Get a room!” Show them that you can have healthy dating relationships without crossing the line prior to marriage.
CN: What are the most important messages for our kids to hear about godly sexuality as they grow up?
SE: Most would say, “Just say no!” and I agree that God wants us to save sex until marriage because He loves us and wants to protect us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But I think the most important value that we can instill in our kids is that, “God LOVES sex!” Explain that He gave it as a gift for husbands and wives to enjoy, and because it is so special, it’s definitely worth the wait. Then when our daughter puts a wedding band on her finger, she doesn’t have that negative tape playing in her mind over and over, “Good girls don’t! Just say no!” She’ll feel confident that “Good girls DO! And they do it without guilt, shame or inhibition! And God is pleased when husbands and wives enjoy the gift that He gave them in one another!”
CN: What signs would a parent look for if they suspect that their kids may have been abused sexually? And what can parents of kids who have had their sexual boundaries overrun do to help in the healing?
SE: Any sort of sexual acting out with a playmate or other family member is one of the surest tell-tale signs. It’s very important that we respond to such scenarios without shock and horror (that will shut them down very quickly for fear of getting in trouble). Calmly get that child alone and sweetly inquire, “Where did you learn about what you were just doing?” It’s also vital that you talk with the parent of the other child involved. If you realize that this was more than just innocent “child sexual play” to satisfy their own natural curiosity, and you believe there’s been sexual abuse, don’t hesitate to get counseling. The sooner the better. The sexually abused child more than likely has a lot of confusion, anger, guilt, and shame beneath that peanut butter and jelly smile, and by going through counseling together, you’re saying to that child, “You’re valued. You’re loved. And your emotional health is very precious and worth investing in.”
CN: We also received a question from a reader of our blog which I thought would fit into our interview with you given your experience in this area, so I would love to hear your response to this:
I have numerous friends at my church who have told me that they could go the rest of their lives with out having sex! I can’t even go a week! And these are women who regularly experience orgasm. I want to help these women but most of them have been married longer than me and are older and have older kids, etc. I have two young kids and one on the way. My husband and I have been married five years and have very busy schedules with work and church. And I still find time and energy and desire to have sex with my husband. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help with out offending?
SE: Unfortunately, many women have lost touch with their God-given sexual desires, and their husbands suffer silently as a result. Busyness and distraction are just the tip of the ice burg for some. Others struggle with poor body image, low self-esteem, past sexual abuse, guilt over past promiscuity, or lack of understanding about the physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual components of our sexuality (or [d] all of the above). I’d encourage you to consider starting a Sexually Confident Wife discussion group in your home or at your church, as this will open their eyes to all that they are missing out on in a healthy marriage and help them overcome the hurdles that are holding them back. Go to www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com and download a free Reader’s Guide to assist you in leading such a group. And don’t be intimidated by the fact that they’ve been married so much longer than you. Sometimes older women need a gentle reminder of how to freshen things up when things have gotten a little stale and stagnant in the bedroom. You may be just the inspiration they need! What a ministry to both wives and husbands! You go, girl!
This is an oral on him position which can move to a variation of 69 quite easily if the couple wants to change things up as they go. To get into position the husband will stand at the side of the bed facing towards the bed and the woman will lay on her back so that her head is right by his legs. The idea is that your husband will be standing by the edge of the bed while you are laying on it facing up and pleasuring him that way.
I had trouble finding an appropriate picture to refer you to and the best one I could find is an animated couple doing it. You can view it here, but be careful about your own sexual temptations as a lot of the information on this site isn’t in line with our view of appropriate sexuality.
When you are in this position you might find that hanging your head over the edge of the bed allows you to angle everything better. You might also find that your husband needs to stand up more or swat down further depending on the height of your bed. If you have a very tall bed, he can probably stand straight up, but if it is shorter he might need to kneel down or squat a bit. The other consideration is that you will need to be able to breath properly so perhaps working out a signal that tells your husband to pull back a bit will be helpful. And feel free to take him out of your mouth and give oral attention to his other parts too.
This position gives your husband full access to all your parts too so that while you pleasure him, he can pleasure you as well, and it’s not bad eye candy for him either.
“I was curious if any of you have every experimented with chastity devices for your husbands? Several years ago my wife and I bought a CB-3000 as a means of helping her control my curiosity toward pornography. If she found I had been looking at porn, she would withhold relations for some period that she determined and controlled. It also ensured that I wouldn’t go insane (i.e. remained faithful) while away on business. From my It perspective it was very effective but we only did it for six months. Several months after it was over, I lapsed into porn, but she didn’t want to resume using chastity as a corrective because she felt it was artificial. I was curious what you thought about this idea.”
I actually have mixed opinions on this. Let me start off by saying that if a couple decided together that they’d like to “play around” with something like this as a temporary sex toy, I may would encourage it. I could see how this could potentially be fun and exciting for a couple looking for something new and different to spice up their relationship. Something that was just thrown into the sex drawer with all the other toys and used every once in a while for fun. Just because I can’t see myself ever wanting to do that, doesn’t mean that I can’t try to look at this objectively and see the other side so to speak. (I mean, I’m the one who wrote an article defending “pegging” for peat’s sake…so surely I can try to be open minded here as well, right?)
However, I do have some concerns here that I’d like to mention. You are not the first couple that I’ve heard of using such a device. I know of another couple that said they used it for similar reasons as you described above, regarding porn use and the potential to be unfaithful. The problem that I have with this is that an addiction to pornography or a tendency towards infidelity cannot be fixed this way. To me it would be equivalent to slapping an ace bandage around a compound fracture. It would serve to hide the broken bone, but underneath the problem would still be there and in need of a real fix.
In your email above you wrote: “It also ensured that I wouldn’t go insane (i.e. remained faithful) while away on business.” How can a chastity device really fix the heart issue of infidelity? Yes, I’ve seen those devices and I can see how you wouldn’t be able to get an erection in them (at least not comfortably) but so what? All that means is that physically you wouldn’t be able to have penis-in-vagina intercourse with someone else. (Originally this sentence said “you wouldn’t be able to cheat” but I had to revise it, because technically you would still be able to do other sexual acts with a woman.) What about what is in your heart? What about trying to figure out why it is that you are so easily tempted? Is your self-control so low that you cannot be trusted to take a business trip without wearing this device?
I have the same concern for a couple that chooses to use this chastity device in the hopes of it fixing a porn (or masturbation) addiction. Yes, I understand that you are in essence, trapping the penis, so that it cannot get release. But how does that minister to the heart of the man’s issue? How does simple negative reinforcement speak to the core of his problem? How does it help him understand how his pornography viewing hurts his marriage and affects his wife’s self esteem? Sure, it will probably be a temporary fix, but what happens when the man tires of wearing it, and decides to take a break from it. Will he be suddenly cured of his addiction? Or will he use that as an opportunity to slip back into his old familiar roles? You even said yourself: “…we only did it for six months. Several months after it was over, I lapsed into porn, but she didn’t want to resume using chastity as a corrective because she felt it was artificial.”
So I guess in conclusion, I could see how this might could be a fun and exciting toy for a couple to try using every once in a while, but I do not see how it could effectively help a marriage that is suffering from the effects of infidelity or porn addiction. Those marriages need more than just an “ace bandage” approach.
“I still don’t really get why sex is for me. I’m hoping you can help me understand that aspect of it, so I can bring more of my inner self to the bed also or at least have a goal to focus on while I’m growing this part of my mind. I’m reading and trying to figure out that question but I haven’t come up with much more than it glorifies God. I want to glorify God but when it comes to answering the question of why is sex important to me, I feel like it’s not. I know it’s important to my husband. To me, sex is for the man and I do it just because.
I’m inspired by your pictures with the spicy names but, for example, that’s the part that’s missing for me. My own sense of self beauty and sultriness and wanting sex because I want it for me. A sexual self-image if you will. How do I get that?”
We have received this email and many others with similar concerns. Some women don’t see the importance of a sexual relationship with their husbands. I think many women would be able to answer this question based on their personal life experiences. I’ll share my view and hopefully others will be able to chime in as well.
Have you ever seen those water fountains made of a pyramid of glasses? Think of this pyramid as a hierarchy of priorities. That glass on top represents your relationship with God, the second row is your husband, third row can be children, forth row job……etc. When your relationship with God is well it flows to your marriage with your husband, which flows down to your children, and when that is full and content it flows to your job. Making love to your husband is one of the easiest ways to make him feel like a priority. We have girlfriends, parents and children but they can only go so deep. Our relationship with our husband is endless. Intimacy is what makes this bond so special and it helps solidify our foundation. Think about the things a man can get from an outside source. If he needs his clothes cleaned he can run to the cleaners. If his house gets messy he can hire a house keeper. When he’s hungry he can run to the nearest McDonald’s. Where can he go to feed his sexual appetite? The only person who can (or should) fulfill this need is his wife.
Many woman tend to wait until they feel aroused to start thinking about sex but for many it does not happen on it’s own. You can try feeding the fire by touching your husband. I think many couples are going through life without really touching, literally. We are so busy running around taking care of other obligations that we are missing each other. Our bodies crave touch and the less you do it then the less connected you will feel from your spouse. I think this is why many women say that sex is not about the orgasm (although it defiantly does not hurt the situation); it is more about the feeling of closeness through being intimate. Your touches throughout the day don’t even need to be sexual to be effective. If a woman goes for an extended period of time without intercourse then it will have a negative effect on her libido. The opposite is also true, the more you engage in sexual intercourse the more you will desire it.
In order to have a sexual self image you must first have a good amount of self confidence. This means that you are able to look at yourself and see what you like instead of dwelling on what you don’t like. When your husband compliments you believe what he says. Heck, just look at how his body responds to you. Try wearing clothes that not only flatter you but will help you feel sexy throughout the day as well. Make sure you are eating right, getting enough sleep and getting some form of exercise. I honestly think that a sexual self will emerge once you love/feel good about yourself and see yourself as the sexual being that God created.
Luke 1:39-45
39At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, 40where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. 41When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. 42In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! 43But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? 44As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. 45Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!”
I pick up the story after Mary found out that she would have a baby conceived by the Holy Spirit. So she was told by this angel that her relative, Elizabeth, was also with child. What a miracle that would be to see! So off to Judea Mary went to visit Elizabeth and to see for herself! Elizabeth was having a baby after all these years! How was that possible??
For nothing is impossible with God.
Oh, yes. Nothing is impossible with God. As soon as Mary entered Zechariah’s house and greeted Elizabeth, something amazing happened….Elizabeth AND her unborn baby realized that they were in the presence of the Lord’s mother. How did they know that? The bible tells us that Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. Not only did she know, her baby leapt in her womb.
Now, any of us who have had babies know that you can feel the baby move. I am sure you felt your baby kick and tried to figure was it a hand or a foot that just got your rib cage. But have any of you had a baby like my daughter? I felt like I had a gymnast inside me at times. Almost like Shawn Johnson doing summersaults inside me. When I used to feel her inside me doing flips and turns and whatever else she was doing in there, I used to think of Elizabeth. Was this what she felt when John leaped in her womb? At that moment, Elizabeth knew a miracle was going to happen through Mary as well. Mary hadn’t said a word, but Elizabeth said, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!”
Wow. Did you get the tone of that? Mary didn’t have to worry about “my parents are gonna kill me!”…Elizabeth knew that God was going to do something miraculous through Mary, and she also knew that Mary believed what God said was to be true.
56Mary stayed with Elizabeth for about three months and then returned home.
Have you ever felt so strongly like the Lord was telling you to do something, but everyone around you would pretty much try to shoot the helium out of your balloon? What would you do? You would go to someone who would support you…who would understand what you believe and why you believe it. That is what Mary did. A miracle had happened to Elizabeth, so she went to Elizabeth. Who would believe her? Who would still believe that she was a virgin carrying a baby? What shame would be placed on her at home? What would Joseph do?
But Mary had faith that the Lord had taken care of it all. She was lifted up and strengthened my Elizabeth and Zechariah. Her faith was not shaken. She knew that God was on her side and He was in control. Listen to this…
And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
47and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers.”
Does this sound like the song of a desperate girl? No. “ for the Mighty One has done great things for me— “
The Lord of all Creation can do mighty things for you, too. For some of you this Christmas season might be a difficult one. Maybe your spouse is a refuser….maybe you or your spouse dabble in pornography…maybe you’ve lost a loved one or a spouse. The one thing I hope that you take from this story today is that the Mighty One can do great things for you, too. He didn’t just do things for Mary. He didn’t just do things for Elizabeth. He will do great things for you, too. He is the Great Healer. He is the Abba Father that we all need. Put your faith and trust in Him. Let him fill your needs. God sent the most awesome gift to you this Christmas. Mary is carrying him in her womb in this story. The Lord Jesus Christ.
Thank you, God, for all the great things you do for us, and thank you for sending your Son to save us all.
Your mission this week is to prepare a set of sexy coupons to give to your husband for Christmas. Let him redeem them for certain sex acts and sensual experiences you know he likes. And push your comfort zone a bit. Has your husband hinted at or come right out and asked you for something he’d like to do with you or see you do that you have been hesitant to try? Unless it’s sin, give it a go. You never know what might come of it.
Knees-To-Chest Position
I will start out by saying that this position is a doozie. All of you women out there, who like to take control from time to time, listen up, because this position gives you the power! Follow the steps below to get into position. Once in position, you should look like this.
1. The husband lies down and brings his knees up to his chest. (This is similar to the way the wife lays in The Sandwich position.)
2. The wife straddles him on her knees so that the backs of his thighs are touching her thighs.
3. The wife lowers herself onto his penis.
4. The husband bends his knees and lets his legs drape over the wife’s legs.
5. The wife controls the thrusting by pistoning up and down, and she keeps her balance by holding on to her husband’s knees, chest, or shoulders.
Pros: The woman who likes woman on top positions or dominant positions may love this one! Likewise, men who love to see their wives taking control on top may enjoy this one too!
Cons: If the husband is not limber enough then this position may not work. You both will need a good sense of balance as well.
I recently viewed a short movie titled “Oversold: The Movie” which is about a pastor who goes out to Vegas trying to connect with a step brother but ends up falling for a stripper. Think of these two professions and how people view a pastor vs. the lifestyle of a stripper. They are commonly viewed as polar opposites on the lifestyle spectrum. Does the story line sound familiar? If it does then the reason could be because it is a modern day version of Hosea.
Joshua’s first interaction with Sophia is not in a club but at a coffee shop. Surprisingly it was not his urging that made her want to leave that life behind. She had already made up her mind to no longer strip and try to make it on her own before she ever laid eyes on him. She realizes that it is easier said then done. Temptation, disguised as her former boyfriend/pimp, figures out how to real her back to the profession she despises.
This movie touched a personal chord within me because I have a very close friend who happens to be a pastor. He, like Joshua, has different expectations put on him by society. This movie simply shows that pastors are people too, although the congregation does not see Joshua this way. Joshua is put on a pedestal and expected to act a certain way and no one expects him to befriend someone of a questionable profession. I could also identify with Sophia. I think most of us have felt judged or broken at some point in our lives. ‘Oversold: The Movie’ is a wonderful portrayal of redemption in a modern time story. The most important message of the movie is that we all do have other options, even when we feel we don’t. All of us have probably had a feeling of helplessness at one time or another. There is hope…..for all of us.
The actress who plays Sophia was in the porn industry but she was strong enough to break free. Unfortunately her name still is connected to some pornographic pictures on the Internet so I strongly urge you not to Google her name. You can find some information on her here at xxx.church.com if you are interested in her story.
Oversold is now available on either DVD or you can download it onto your computer, just click on this link. Will anyone be receiving an Academy Award for this film? No, but the message is what makes this movie and Oversold doesn’t drag on and on trying to get the message across. It’s worth a look!!
We received the following email recently:
My husband is not much into nude beaches and spas, but he is fine with me and my best friend going to them. He was very athletic in his younger days, and with my insecurities back then, I wouldn’t have wanted him nude and I wouldn’t be nude. Now those insecurities are gone, but he’s older and not much intrigued by it. My best friend and I go on two trips per year. Our husbands are the best two men in the world just for that!!! We often go to spas where most if not all are women, and pools, hot tubs, sun decks are always nude. Some do have men (couples) and some have lovely nude beaches. We have never been bothered, we have never felt awkward, we have never felt sinful, but from what I’m reading here on this site, we should. Why? It’s wonderful. We have come across the occasional “naughty” girls showing too much public affection, but we just pass by and ignore them.
This really isn’t a black and white issue. For certain, I know that there are cultures where public nude bathing is common practice, and has been for centuries. Often the men and women have separate areas for bathing, but not necessarily. I had experiences abroad on several occasions of going to hot springs and spas where it was common and expected that people would bath in the nude. The ones I went to had separate areas for men and women. In that culture, though, the nude bathing had little to do with sexuality even where the men and women were not separated.
However, that is not the case by and large in North America. The one time I went to a clothing optional beach in North American, I can tell you that it was a very different atmosphere. Our culture is highly sexualized and this is a key component in determining whether or not it is appropriate to go to nude beaches, spas and resorts. While we can not control if a man or woman lusts after us being fully clothed, we really are opening up a door for causing a brother or sister to stumble when we participate in nude activities with mixed genders. This Scripture that I reference to in the link speaks to our freedom in the Lord Jesus Christ, but in that freedom comes a responsibility to do what we can to minimize how our actions might cause another person to sin. In our culture, I have a hard time believing that men and women bathing together is not lust-inducing for one or the other.
The other thing I have noticed about some people who have made comments about this issue in defense of it, is that there is an exhibitionist element for many, to one degree or another. I know the person who emailed us didn’t mention this so I am not referring to her, but I have seen many who on the one hand say things like “It’s natural” and “It’s not sexual,” but on the other hand they also express that they feel good about showing their bodies to others. It’s just a very thin line that people need to be careful about.
I am not so concerned about two friends who enjoy going to nude spas in their leisure time, but I do hesitate when there is mention of men and women being nude together. Simply my opinion. I invite you to share yours.
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