Q&A: Help! Shy Spouse!

“How can I help my wife relax and enjoy sex?  We’re not new to sex, having been married over half a decade, but we’re still not that successful at it. I mean, we enjoy it, but not as much as we could.

I feel like if she would just drop the prudeness and let me know what parts of her body she’d like me touch, with what parts of mine, how firmly and how fast, I could learn how things work for her, and we could have a much better time. But even if we try talking about it outside the bedroom, she blushes and clams up.  Any tips for breaking down the communication embarrassment in the bedroom? I’ve read lots of tips online about what a girl might enjoy, but when I put those things into practice, I don’t really know if they’re working or not!”

Talking openly about sex can be difficult for some people.  The thing that comes to my mind is that many times it’s easier to write about something than it is to actually talk out loud about something.  Have you tried communicating to your wife through email?  My husband and I have actually used email to communicate to each other when it was a subject that neither one of us really wanted to broach in person.  It worked pretty well.  It’s actually much easier for some people to sit and type out what they want the other person to know.  You don’t have to worry about blushing and making eye contact.  Your wife may feel more at ease this way.

Or you could just hand write her a note, expressing how you feel and what you want to get from her (ex: instructions on what she likes).  You could put a notebook on your nightstand.  Explain to your wife that this notebook is to be used to help you two communicate better.  Tell her that you want her to check the notebook every evening before bed to see if she has any notes from you and that you will do the same.  You could also say that you will not force her to talk out loud about what is written in the notebook.  Then you write her a note on the first page, explaining to her how you earnestly want to learn to be a better lover for her.  Ask her for specific instructions on how you can better help her to reach orgasm.  If you think that she may not come up with something specific, then go ahead and help her out a little by getting her started.  Write something like:  “Do you like it when I take my fingers and _______?  Does it help more when I use my mouth on you?  If so, then which do you like me to do more with my tongue, ______ or ______?” Maybe if you state some specific things, then she will respond to that.  And then if you have promised her that you will not talk about what is written in the notebook, then by all means do not break that promise. As time goes on, and she realizes that you are being true to your word, then she may start to open up more in her writing to you.

Another idea would be for you to print out the sex survey found here (in the comments section).  You can fill one out and have your wife fill one out and then you can exchange your surveys and see if there is anything new that you can learn about each other.  This could also be used with the notebook, if you fear that your wife will not be willing to talk face to face about the survey.

Continue to be patient with her so that she does not feel pressured or overwhelmed.  If there is any progress, then please write back and let us know what worked for you, because it may help another couple out there.

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