Q&A: Help! Shy Spouse!

“How can I help my wife relax and enjoy sex?  We’re not new to sex, having been married over half a decade, but we’re still not that successful at it. I mean, we enjoy it, but not as much as we could.

I feel like if she would just drop the prudeness and let me know what parts of her body she’d like me touch, with what parts of mine, how firmly and how fast, I could learn how things work for her, and we could have a much better time. But even if we try talking about it outside the bedroom, she blushes and clams up.  Any tips for breaking down the communication embarrassment in the bedroom? I’ve read lots of tips online about what a girl might enjoy, but when I put those things into practice, I don’t really know if they’re working or not!”

Talking openly about sex can be difficult for some people.  The thing that comes to my mind is that many times it’s easier to write about something than it is to actually talk out loud about something.  Have you tried communicating to your wife through email?  My husband and I have actually used email to communicate to each other when it was a subject that neither one of us really wanted to broach in person.  It worked pretty well.  It’s actually much easier for some people to sit and type out what they want the other person to know.  You don’t have to worry about blushing and making eye contact.  Your wife may feel more at ease this way.

Or you could just hand write her a note, expressing how you feel and what you want to get from her (ex: instructions on what she likes).  You could put a notebook on your nightstand.  Explain to your wife that this notebook is to be used to help you two communicate better.  Tell her that you want her to check the notebook every evening before bed to see if she has any notes from you and that you will do the same.  You could also say that you will not force her to talk out loud about what is written in the notebook.  Then you write her a note on the first page, explaining to her how you earnestly want to learn to be a better lover for her.  Ask her for specific instructions on how you can better help her to reach orgasm.  If you think that she may not come up with something specific, then go ahead and help her out a little by getting her started.  Write something like:  “Do you like it when I take my fingers and _______?  Does it help more when I use my mouth on you?  If so, then which do you like me to do more with my tongue, ______ or ______?” Maybe if you state some specific things, then she will respond to that.  And then if you have promised her that you will not talk about what is written in the notebook, then by all means do not break that promise. As time goes on, and she realizes that you are being true to your word, then she may start to open up more in her writing to you.

Another idea would be for you to print out the sex survey found here (in the comments section).  You can fill one out and have your wife fill one out and then you can exchange your surveys and see if there is anything new that you can learn about each other.  This could also be used with the notebook, if you fear that your wife will not be willing to talk face to face about the survey.

Continue to be patient with her so that she does not feel pressured or overwhelmed.  If there is any progress, then please write back and let us know what worked for you, because it may help another couple out there.


  1. I am one who is so much more able to express sensitive issues by e mail. My wife tends to be more at ease verbally, when she does open it. Sometimes she will respoind in detail to e mails, sometimes just a thank you, sometimes nothing at all, other times she will verbally bring up something I mentioned. Once in a while, she will just respond by doing something I mentioned.

    My point-yes there are people who express themselves better in writing, b. the response of the other party, maybe unpredictable especially if issues are sensitive, but look for any posiitive response whether it comes written, verbal or in action.

    Don’t give up.

  2. I find there are times when writing my husband an email or chatting on IM will help me to open up a bit more about things. We talked about something the other day on IM that helped me get some frustrations out of my system about something we’re doing now. My DH has a very strong verbal personality. He will argue that my eyes are brown when they are really blue until he wins. And he’ll win. ((lol) He can be very intimidating at times because he is very passionate about what he believes in. So talking to him on IM or in an email makes me more comfortable because i have always been a writer. I love to read and write.

    Always remember to be patient. Pushing your will on your spouse will cause them to withdraw even more. I am not a very creative person, so when my DH would ask me to tell him one of my wildest fantasies, I couldn’ t tell him because i don’t fantasize….I just can’t. I can’t even improvise….lol. So patience is a must. My DH is very patient with me with all my ups and downs. I appreciate him so much for that, too.

  3. My husband could have been the one to write the first posting. Oral sex was way outside my comfort zone for a long time. I couldn’t understand why he would want to do it! I needed him telling me that he liked the way I smelled and that it was turn on – over and over. I still need him to let me know that he enjoys it. He also bought a book on oral sex (the low down on going down) NOT a Christian book but good technique. It took me a long time to figure out what I liked and how to express it. It also helped to sit down with the book and point out areas that I thought would be helpful to us (I didn’t have to get into great detail but could still show him what I was thinking).
    After 12 years, our sex life is now the best it has ever been. But having my husband’s reassurance (and his quest to educate himself about my body) has made a huge difference.

  4. I would be VERY cautious about writing sexual emails with one’s husband. While it may seem safe and secure, people have had their email accounts hacked into. There is also the danger of accidentally sending an email (or one that has a long trail behind it) to the wrong party. I never put anything in an email that I wouldn’t want broadcast on the radio.

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