Just the Two of Us

 

I am looking for incite on the “empty nest” issue.  I know it is not necessarily sex oriented, but I am sure you have some ideas, as so many of us are moms.
I am 38 and have one child who is now an ‘adult’
I have had some issues with just feeling out of sorts.  All is perfect as can be in the marriage, but my frustration, which I think is because my job as a mom has gone away has me a little off track.
You all seem younger, or at least have children at still at home.  I was just looking for some insight on this particular feeling.  What do you do when the kids are gone?

 

This is a difficult time for many women because once our children leave our home we suddenly lose one of our roles that define us.  Relationships suddenly change….our relationship with our husband, children, as well as friends.  Some of your friendships probably were based on other mothers who had children going through the same life experiences as yours.  You may go through some questioning of ‘who’ you are, how will this affect your marriage and what is my purpose? 

 Pray about that purpose.  No one knows you better then God and He is the one who is in control anyway.  Talk to your husband about your feelings.  Chances are he is going through similar feeling himself.  Maybe his roles are still in place for the most part (such as breadwinner) but he may be going through regrets such as, “I should have spent more time with the kids”.  Make some lists.  List the long term and short term plans for how the two of you want to spend your money.  Construct a fun list of things you have never done but always wanted to do.  If you are feeling distant or strained from your spouse for an extended amount fo time be sure to seek counciling.

Transitions can take awhile to get used to and this is no exception.  It may be a matter of months before you feel comfortable in this new season.  Don’t be surprised if you feel elated on second and sad the next.  Sometimes change is difficult to embrace but just because something is different does not mean it will not be better.  You have spent all these years preparing your child to be independent.  Now it is your turn to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor and see how well adjusted your child has become.  God knows you have earned a front row seat.

It is true that the phrase ’empty nest’ is a term that describes a child/mother relationship but really a phrase should be made for this time in our lives that signifies the new relationship that we are going to experience with our husband.  My personal feeling is that your relationship with your husband should be a priority and if it is then this transition will be viewed with a positive mindset.  This subject fits perfectly with Christian Nymphos.org because our purpose is to help strengthen the bond between husband and wife.  I’m thinking that instead of referring to this phase as ’empty nest’ I may use the word ‘encore’.  An empty nest looks like it’s been abandoned.  Signs of life are left like an empty shell.  I’m using encore because more acts are to come.  They may not last as long as the initial show but that doesn’t mean they are less important.

9 Comments

  1. My DH and i were married at an early age, i was16 he was18, we we’re each others first and knew from the beginning that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we’ve been married 35 yrs. and the Lord blessed us with 5 children, all of whom are grown with families of their own. As for empty nest syndrom, you never stop being a parent, your children will always need you know matter how old they are. The sex for us has never been better, we have the freedom to do it whenever and where ever (if they only knew what happened on the kitchen table they would never eat ther again.lol) Enjoy this time together and enjoy each other.

  2. I’m not sure where to fit this in, but this seems the closest to topic. A few days ago some ot the women at work were discussing sex. The age range was between 30 and 55. Most of them were not having much sex and were happy with that. When I chimed in that we had a lot of sex and I loved it ..well they looked puzzeled or a few even discussted. There was one other girl my age (45) who felt the same way as me. All these women are married (only a few claim to be christian).I’m not totally surprized by there comments, but a few of them were convienced this is just a stage. They said by the time you reach 55 you won’t want it anymore, you’ll be normal.
    I don’t want to lose my desire for my DH.:)
    So I’m wondering if there is anyone out there who is over 60 and still “a nympho”. I’d love to hear from you!

  3. I’ll be interested to hear what the older women will say about this.
    I think The Marriage Bed has a whole section devoted to sex for older married couples.
    Maybe that would be a good place to gain some perspective.

  4. Hot buttons to the floor after reading your post,intendedforpleasure, and not because of you,

    Any female talk which exudes a, ‘sexually superior WYMEN therefore we don’t need or want sex’, type of thinking is the same bondage I have fought so freaking hard to eradicate from my mind this past year. I write wymen since witches address themselves thus and because negative group influence it is a type of witchcraft.

    I am so against the blase, come what may, attitude that most females live by. Why the … can’t we have a great sex life way into our 80’s. It may not be the romp all over the bed type but I can have a fantastic, mind blowing orgasm, plus a few more, whilst lying flat on my back! The idea of being sexually satisfied well into my older age is not a hurdle for me anymore.

    I will not talk with the majority of the women I come across because of this pervasive negative attitude towards a huge part of their womanhood. I will not look back and I will be all that I can be, sexually, for both myself and my husband.

    There really is nothing more to say. We are different, you and I, and the majority of the nymphos who inhabit this site. We have to realize this therefore be strong in our passion for our lives plus feel mercy for those who have not experienced the joy and satisfaction in married sex, as we have.

    Whatever we do, we must safeguard our minds from the mental traps we have recently freed ourselves from. smP smouldering rage subsiding.

  5. SMP,
    I totally agree and won’t let that kind of talk come between myself and DH! We have always had A LOT of sex in our marriage (I never really had an awakening just a rethinking)
    Funny you should mention sex into your 80’s. DH and I have talked about this and plan to make this a priority. I know my parents were well past 60 and still going strong when my dad passed away 🙂
    I guess people don’t get it and in turn don’t know what they’re missing.
    Still would like to hear from some older more mature women out there. How they keep it going! 🙂
    Sex is a big part of my life and I can’t imagine just stopping.

  6. Our solution to Empty Nest Syndrome was to start having more children when our oldest were almost about to graduate high school. my DW had a conviction that we should trust the Lord to determine how many children to bless us and when. I agreed with her and we did notthing differently.

    The Lord provided us with enough children to keep us busy well after we’re eligible for Medicare 🙂

    That sort of helps explain my take on this issue. If you think of what your passions were during your childrearing years, you can pursue those more fully now. If your passion was your children, you have grandchildren to look forward to. And if you enjoyed a particular age when your children were growing up, you could consider working in your church for that age group… or getting involved in Scouting, Big Brothers/Sisters, etc.

    I’m not sure what role the empty nest plays in a couple’s sex life since we bypassed those years altogether. It would seem to me an opportunity to have as much as you want when you want it — and more important, to be able to focuse on one’s spouse in ways that affirm her non-defined roles — those things in her life she is passionate about from causes to hobbies.

    It’s wise to think about this before it happens as the writer is doing. At only 38, she’s a good candidate for starting a new nest — Just kidding….sort of. We never thought of having a large family on our own. It was only His calling and providence. And from the father’s perspective, I have to say it’s not an easy one.

  7. I recently entered that empy nest stage, yet in my case it is in reverse. We are leaving our home and kids. My dh got a new job 4 hrs away and moved in May, and in the meantime I am packing. I have taken the train to visit him twice. This time apart has increased our passion, for the most part. Our kids, ages 20-25 are renting our house until it sells. They never left our nest because of finances so this is a good growth time for all. I’ve been in transition since and we’re antsy to get a home rather than an apartment (he misses his kitty). We talk daily using Skype and have gotten passionate there, but a problem has arisen. I have been a stay-at-home mom all these years. I have loved the job and that makes it difficult to make the transition. The real problem is, he repeatedly brings up about me getting a job. I don’t know the area there and am real apprehensive when I’m there. I figured that once I moved we would take a few months to establish a new home, a more romantic and passionate one, but even mentioning getting a part time job makes me feel like he wants me to dive right in the workplace once I move. That kills my jets faster than anything. I’ve told him I need time and I don’t know what I want to do once I move, but he doesn’t respond to what I say. If he simply said that he didn’t mean I would work right away, then I wouldn’t get upset, but he hasn’t said anything.
    I do want to have something to do with my time, but I don’t know what that will be or what I’m good at. I thought I would have time to enjoy this new journey we are embarking on, to get a good hot fire going between us, but I feel like cold water is being applied. While the kids were growning up, he wanted me to work and I did try three times, but it didn’t work out. I’m getting more depressed when he even mentions working. He’s a wonderful husband, has focused more on my needs than his own, but it seems like he wants a house right now and wants me to get a job right away and that’s more important than developing an intimate and romantic new home together. Sadly, the last time I was there for over a week, there were no romantic dinners. The only furnature in the apartment is a dining table, two folding chairs, bed, coat rack and coffee table. The computer was on the dining table and we chatted with family and friends every night. Once I move up, I’m setting boundaries. No computer at dinner time. He would like the “leave it to beaver” home and I’m all for that. But I can’t do that and be a working girl. I’m just depressed that what I imagined this time would be like isn’t happening, and I feel I’m being pressed to get a job right after I move up. I just want to cry. I’m sorry this is long. Our sex life was doing so well up until this. Now I’m losing my drive.

  8. hmmmm have you had a conversation with him that might go like this: “…honey, I know you have been looking forward to this time so that we can become a two income couple and enjoy all of the things that go with that but I have to tell you that I have been looking forward to having you all to myself for over 25 years and I would like to spend a little time where my only focus is on being your wife and giving you my undivided attention at home and in bed. Let’s see if we can come to some sort of compromise after we are living together again.”

    It sounds like he is looking at it from a $$ standpoint which is a typically (and maybe biologically) male thing to do and you are looking at it from a relational POV which is typically female.

    Also I imagine that once you get to your new city and spend a few months @ home you may decide that you want to work part time somewhere so that you can make new friends and find a way to fill that time that used to be filled with your kids and your friends in your current city.

    Best of luck!

  9. I am so looking forward to that alone time as a couple. I drempt (sp?) about it once I knew he was getting this job. What kind of home life did I want… Right now he’s in TX for a week of training and didn’t take his laptop (sad) so we only can talk or text. So lonely. I do plan to get a part time job. Not for the $$ but just to have something to do and make new friends. This is turning into a difficult time for me. Right now I’m fighting depression from the distance. I console myself with the fact that next week he will be home and I’ll visit him (YAY!!!). I’ll have to talk to him about home life more when we are together. We haven’t had a chance to really do that yet. This transition makes everything difficult. I forget to talk about the important stuff when I’m there because he works and I’m just glad to be near him….


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS

  • Click here
  • January 2009
    S M T W T F S
    « Dec   Feb »
     123
    45678910
    11121314151617
    18192021222324
    25262728293031
  • Archives