Premature Ejaculation

We have received various emails from women asking us about premature ejaculation.  This is obviously an issue that men experience but I felt that it is important and affects a marriage enough to write about.   This article will include some research, much compassion and a dash of advice but I cannot give you advice based on personal experience.  It is normal for a man to ejaculate sooner than their spouse would like occasionally. It becomes an issue when a man ejaculate minutes after penetration or even before penetration occurs on a regular basis.  I can understand how this would be very frustrating to both husband and wife.

Here is a sample of the types of emails we have received:

Hi, I want to ask what to do when I (wife ) am the one who has the higher drive. It is always assumed to be the man. Have been married 20 years and would say that we have a good relationship but we have problems in terms of sex which we somehow survive.  Premature ejaculation is one, he has got worse with age instead of better. We have a loving relationship and are faithful and both Christians and I cannot understand why he does not trust me. He worries about his performance and even though I have assured him that the closeness etc is also vital to me, it is still an issue and maybe why he is afraid of sex. I don’t know what his parents did to him! or how he got all these hang-ups, because he also is nervous to try almost anything other than the most basic two positions. I have given up trying to get him to try others because I think he just panics.  He won’t talk about it and he certainly won’t see a counselor. What am I supposed to do? He also works all the time and although he
is a good father and is kind and good, I am getting to the point where I would almost rather be single than have these hopes of having a man who is at all romantic, who occasionally compliments me for my looks, who actually wants to make love to me…. I stay in the marriage because I do love him and our kids would be devastated otherwise. However, for the first time, maybe because 20 years is a watershed, I am starting to think that if he is not prepared to talk about it or see someone, then I want out. Please help


Let’s first try to understand what causes premature ejaculation to occur.  This condition could be brought on from many varying factors which can be either biological or psychological origin.  Here are some psychological issues.  Their bodies may be used to rushing to climax for fear of being caught, followed by feelings of guilt.  Anxiety could also be at the root of the problem.   It could be anxiety about performance or it could be anxiety over something non sexual.  One of our readers stated that her husband had an affair and never had this issue with the other woman.  I am not a doctor but this that particular situation, as well as the email mentioned above, seems to be psychological rather than biological. A therapist may be able to hear that couples entire history and pin point where the anxiety is stemming from.

Biological factors, according to the MayoClinic, include; abnormal hormone levels, abnormal ejaculatory response, thyroid, inflammation of the prostate or some inherited trait.  It does not matter if your husband’s particular case is biological or psychological, either way medical attention is recommend.  If left unattended it can cause unbelievable stress on a marriage, as well as fertility issues.

Treatment will vary depending on the severity.  Some doctors may recommend him to masturbate a couple of hours before intercourse.  Another recommendation could be for you to engage in other sexual activities, such as him performing oral on you, to alleviate some performance anxiety.  Don’t be alarmed if an anti depressant is prescribed.  Sometimes delayed ejaculation is a side effect.  Some people have found desensitizing creams to be helpful while others have found them a hindrance by numbing the female genitals as well.  The cream is supposed to be wiped off before intercourse but the penis can still cause a numbing effect on whatever it comes in contact with.  Counseling may also be an option.  He will be able to talk about what is causing anxiety and you may be able to talk about how it is affecting you and your self esteem.

Here are some techniques you can try at home.  The squeeze technique helps him recognize the feeling of coming close to climax and being able to retreat.  Stimulate his penis until he is close to climaxing (make sure he isn’t too close to ‘the point of no return’), then squeeze his penis where the head meets the shaft until the urge to ejaculate has passed.  Feel free to resume foreplay and repeat the squeeze as necessary.  His penis may lose some of its rigidity but foreplay should help him regain full erection.   If you are able to have him penetrate without ejaculating then he could try the stop and go method.  As he is approaching climax he needs to pull out and stop all stimulation (this doesn’t mean he needs to stop focusing on you with either his fingers or mouth.)  He can also try to have thoughts that are not sexy when he is coming close, we will call this ‘unsexy thoughts’.  My husband and I were embracing in the water at the beach one day and I guess things became a little heated.   As he was exiting the water he started mumbling “Think of grandma….think of grandma.”  That was when I notice that I had unintentionally brought his sail to half mast. 

It is no secret that females may need more prolonged stimulation then males to achieve an orgasm.  This stimulation is compromised if premature ejaculation is occurring.  Plus, if this is happening from other circumstances, such as trust, then walls will be put up.  Lines of communication need to be open.  If you are having issues with your husband climaxing before you are ready then it needs to be brought to his attention. It should be done in a gentle manner so that more anxiety is avoided but he should also know that it is a very real problem.  If he still is hesitant to receive professional help then you need to make sure he knows how serious this has become.   I think some men go in denial because they are embarrassed to bring it up to a doctor or an outside source.  Originally I was not going to include an email in this article but I did in hopes that it allows others to see how destructive premature ejaculation can be.  If it is something that occurs regularly then please address it before it bleeds into other parts of your marriage.  If anyone has lived through this and has BTDT advice or has other suggestions please feel free to comment below.

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