Q&A: “He’s Too Spiritual”

We received the following email from a reader:

In my new marriage sex is great, but he’s a much stronger Christian than me and so he’s is not as willing to get more into trying new and erotic things as me.  He believes doing some of these things are major sins.  This kind of disappoints me that our sex life is not as crazy, adventurous, and romantic as it could be. We also both waited till marriage to have sex.  How can I get him to break down that extreme Christianity wall and realize that God will forgive him and that prayer before sex is not necessary, because it really is a HUGE turnoff to me.

There are a lot of issues going on here. I seems apparent to me that there is a need for you and your husband to get on the same page sexually. If the sex is great, that is a good start, but learning to communicate now about sex will pay you back in dividends later. That he is committed to his faith is also a good thing and I would caution you to be careful about trying to get him to be less committed to his convictions. If he feels that a certain act is sin and you don’t agree, it would be more helpful to discuss the reasons than to ask him to do it and then ask for forgiveness later. We should never enter into sin lightly with the thought that Jesus died for it so it’s OK. (A study on this passage may be helpful to you.)

If he believes that certain acts are sinful, ask him why and go to the Word of God together to see what it says. You might find this article helpful as you determine appropriate sexual boundaries together. It may take some time to work through these things, but you have a lifetime to grow in intimacy and passion. It’s important to work towards unity and honest communication so give it the time it needs.

If you want to spice things up, keep on suggesting and trying new things that are within his current boundaries. Have sex somewhere new. Put some sexy music on and dance for him. Avoid the word strip if it causes negative feelings for him. Greet him after work in the privacy of your own home wearing only lingerie. There are lots of spicy things that can be enjoyed. The list is endless. Enjoy what he is comfortable with now and grow in it as you grow in the other areas of your relationship.

It seems to me that his desire to pray before sex may be one of the ways he is trying to be a spiritual leader and covering for you. Based on what you have shared, I can see why he is praying out loud with you. He wants both of you to grow together in your relationship with one another and with the Lord. Be careful about how you handle this one as it may come across as though you do not appreciate that. If it turns you off and you want to talk to him about it begin by affirming to him how much you appreciate his commitment to making God a priority in your relationship. Once you have established that, tell him that it is hard for you to stay aroused when the focus shifts from the two of you to God. Ask him if he could pray internally. If he feels it helps and you feel that it detracts, then you can both have what you need if he prays silently. I suspect that while you wish that he would loosen up and be less focused on God, that he wishes that you had a closer walk with God.

You might find further helpful information about this issue in the following articles:

As I said at the outset, I think this really is an issue of learning to communicate well with your husband. Countless books are written on communication for a reason. As simple of a concept as it is, learning to do it well is incredibly valuable in a marriage.

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