Do any of you ever feel that you are putting way more into pleasing your husband than he is putting into pleasing you? After all, men do get aroused easier and orgasm faster.
I can only speak for myself but if any of my spice sisters (or any of our readers) feel differently I’m sure they will speak up. Our blog is not just about pleasing our husbands; we are encouraging women to embrace their sexuality. Many women have been suppressing their sexual urges because they have been taught (either through church, by parents or just from society alone) that it is wrong. It is not wrong and completely natural. God made us this way. If pleasing my husband makes me happy, and he pleasing me makes him happy then don’t we both win? Marriage is not about keeping score. It’s about building a bond, through God and then that spills over into our marriage.
(My only disclaimer is if you are in a marriage where your spouse puts your needs second, time and time again, then you need to make him aware before resentment sets in. )
Men do become aroused easier, but that is no reason to neglect those special things that cement our bond. A good marriage takes a lot of hard work, open communication and it requires a team effort. You and your husband are on the same side and you should be each other’s biggest cheerleader. Intimacy is not just about ‘getting off’. Here is a food analogy for you. Let’s say you are hungry and you satisfy that huger with junk/fast food day after day. All that fast food is going to take a toll on you in the long run. Your hunger may be lessened but you body will be missing out on serious nutrition that helps your body run effectively. The same goes for a marriage. If you are only interested in keeping yourself satisfied sexually then the other half of your marriage suffers and your bond is weakened. Soon you will be feeling empty. I love knowing that I make my husband feel like the most special guy in the world and in the long run I think it helps him be the best husband he can be.
Remember that the best way to be blessed is to be a blessing yourself.
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Christian Nymphos 
Society conditions us to be ledger people, tracking who has done what for whom, to make sure we stay even, especially when it comes to pleasuring in bed. Because, well, they are more concerned with what is “fair” instead of what is love. We have to take turn with our orgasms so that everything stays fair.
My husband and I committed at the beginning of our marriage not to be ledger people and it has made a huge impact. I watch other relationships I am close to and see them negotiating to get their spouse a drink. “I’ll get you a drink if you switch the laundry.” “Well, if I switch the laundry, will you clear the table too?”
It is a crazy way to live, in and out of the bed!
Jennifer~I’ve seen people do that too or exchange sexual favors for a chore but most of the time I think it is done tongue in cheek. I know I’ve even said something along the lines of : “Hey…if you plunge the toilet I’ll check your pipes.”
Hahahahahaha! I’ve said similar things peppermintgirl! 😆
I only wish it was tongue-in-cheek. In a close friend’s marriage, everything really is a negotiation. I’ve seen them spend a good 5 minutes debating what one will do for the other in exchange for folding laundry or clearing the table.
I pointed it out to them once by asking if they negotiated EVERYTHING, and the husband said yes in a way that I knew he wasn’t happy about it. It is a tough way to live for both of them and I really worry for their marriage in the long haul.
That is sad. I’m all for playing around and joking with each other about stuff, but if it’s an actual way of life, where everything has to be negotiated, then something is wrong. Where is the giving out of love?
It is sad when it’s done with a serious tone, I agree. Keeping score makes doesn’t make anyone feel good. It is almost as if it becomes a competition within the marriage. In this particular arena there should be no ‘winners’ or losers’. Marriage is not an individual sport. Both husband and wife need to work together for it to be successful. It was good of you to point the constant negotiating out to your friends. Sometimes couples are so concerned with coming out ahead that they lose site of everything else.
Society has become so me centered and shall be me centered for a long time in the future as well. Just last night on the news, a viewer’s voice email had someone complaining, “Why do I have to change my TV for Digital TV if I don’t want to???” Getting upset over digital tv….( I have rights and I don’t want to….sounds like my youngest…IT’S NOT FAIR!)
And we do the same in our marriages. We marry because of “eros” love, the feeling, but we truly need to marry out of “agape” love…the self sacrifice. Marriage is like doubles in tennis….you both lose the match together if you don’t work together as a team. It saddens God to see us one up each other instead of doing things out of love for each other and love for him.
My thought for the day:
According to the water fountain analogy used here: Sexual Self. Our love for our spouse is (in a perfect scenario) right below God and below our spouse is our off spring. I see people make self sacrifices all the time for their kids but not for their spouse. Why is that? Why are people so quick to forgive their children for certain actions (just as God forgives us) and yet grudges are held with their other half?
Great question peppermintgirl. I think that part of it has to do with our view of children vs. our view of our spouse. They are helpless and depend on us. It’s our duty to sacrifice for them and do whatever it takes to provide for them and love them unconditionally. When they make mistakes growing up, we tend to look at ourselves and wonder if we failed to instruct them as well as we should have when they were little… it’s easy for us to make excuses for our children like that. ….. But we view our spouse as an adult who “should know better” and when he/she does something wrong we are more quick to hold a grudge.
Just venting here, but anyone is free to chip in with advice that may help – I’ll be relocating to another continent in a couple of weeks (for career purposes) but without my family. Thing is we’ve been married for 5yrs come next month and while there have been one or two occassions when the “planets have aligned” neither of us would describe our sex life as more than OK (or “very OK if compared to others” to use his own words).
We’d had a problem with PE from the very start, but I thoght that being encouraging, making it a we thing, and being very careful to tread softly round the “male ego thing” would help and make it go away. Well it has’nt. There’s always been one good excuse to rationalise it as not being a problem or even claiming it’s not PE. It just struck me now that it’s been 5yrs (5good years I must add, though not in TMB).
We married as virgins, but God forgive me, I’ve found myself wondering what things would have been like if I’d allowed someone in my past (the only guy who ever came that close to me apart from my DH) to actually go all the way with me. With him the attraction was purely physical for me; the tension was so incredible and he KNEW just how to touch me to turn my insides to mush (even in the seemingly most innocent areas!). My DH (bless his beautiful heart) just does’nt get it. I’m tired of trying to joke/suggest playfully/pretend it does’nt matter or I don’t need it. We don’t even kiss! ‘cos we never learnt how to.
Before we got married we fooled around a lot (more than was proper I’m ashamed to admit). It appeared like we were both HD and I felt that that was enough and should take care of things after we got married. It took us 8wks to achieve PIV IC. Practically every “O” I’ve gotten since I married has been from outercourse with me on top of course. Maybe I should have been harder on him all these years. Maybe I should’nt have been so afraid about damaging his ego at my own expense. He does’nt even try to ensure I get an “O” anymore ‘cos “I can always get one after he’s come right?”
I feel terrible thinking about another man (who happens to be someone else’s husband now) but….. maybe my hormones are just getting the better of me. I think I better stop here else I’ll end up crying myself to sleep.
PS: If anyone mentions Kegel’s or the “stop n squeeze” method, I’ll scream. I MEAN IT!
Like I said though, helpful comments or even criticism of my “rotten attitude” are welcome
Wow I’m so sorry about all that you are going through! Yes I do feel you should vent and get frustrations out I think it helps! Have you vented your frustratons to God he is a great listener!!! Also I wonder if you have ever thought about writing a letter to your spouse maybe without all the emotion involved it would help for him to really know your heart with honesty. As far as thinking about what sex would be like with someone else maybe satan knows your weak right now and your thoughts are making you feel like it would be better with someone else. I would suggest pray pray pray about that I’m sure that is a great temptation but one thing I always tell myself when I think someone else’s marriage looks better or I would be happier with that guy is God blessed me with this one and he is the best for me I might not always feel that way or quite frankly want it but this is where God has placed me. I can only tell you from personal experience my sweet husband waited for me to want to be sexual for years only now after an awakening do we have an awesome sex life. If you ask him now was it worth the wait he would say absolutely was it hard absolutely but he loves me! I’m sorry I’m not sure I was much help all I can say is don’t take God out of the equation he is the ultimate healer give him your frustrations ask for his wisdom on how to help with temptating thoughts and healing for your sex life. Maybe God wants you to use this time away for work for you to really search ask him for wisdom regarding your marriage and sex. I’m sorry you are struggling but at least you are trying to get advice it might take time but I’m confident as you ask for Gods helps he will listen! You know you can always write a letter to your husband with all emotions and frustrations out and not give it to him sometimes just getting it out helps loads but if you think he would be the least bit receptive give it to him maybe after you leave so there wont be confrontation just time for both of you to think!!!! Good luck!
Hi, I was wondering why i am the one that is more in need of sex! im 24 and my husband is 28 and he sjust not into it anymore and just says hes not in the mood ive tried everthing.. he swears it not coz ive put on a bit of weight with our first baby…HELP