Many women email us asking for advice for having a high sex drive. When this issue is brought up is it usually looked at through a warped magnifying glass because of the way society has viewed women. According to what is acceptable to most of our society, it is supposed to be the man who has the higher drive, not the woman. Women have been given this ‘role’ for centuries and we are here to encourage other women to embrace and enjoy their sexuality. When females do not fit all nice and neat inside a simple box then suddenly a woman may feel ostracized and they start wondering if they are “normal”. It is time that we put our foot down and accept that we too are made to be sexual. We were not put on this earth to merely give pleasure; we should receive it as well!!! I can remember discussing desired frequency one day with a very close girlfriend. I had told her that if I go more than three days without being intimate that I tend to feel disconnected from my husband and out of sorts (some of you may call it ‘being cranky’). After she was able to pick her mouth up from the floor she looked at me like I had five heads and told me that I was sex crazed. Sadly, I was expecting that type of reaction from her so I didn’t take it too personally. Why do I say ‘sadly’? I used the word sadly because many women do not see sex as their God given right. They have every right to enjoy the pleasure, release and freedom that comes with it.
Those of us that have a high sex desire may face another issue which is the husband is not keeping up with the desired frequency of his wife. Having a higher sex drive can help merge a couple together but it can also cause major resentment within the marriage. If the spouse of the person with the higher drive embraces the situation then it can help solidify the marriage. The wife feels attractive, loved, accepted and cherished for who she is and for what she brings to the relationship. It not only strengthens their bond, it also helps the wife’s self confidence soar in every aspect of her life. God made both woman and man as sexual beings but even though we may both be sexual, this doesn’t mean everything will flow smoothly. I wrote about my husband’s reaction to my awakening in an article titled “What’s a man to do?” It was not an extremely smooth transition for us but with open communication and respect we have worked through some major issues with both of us meeting in the middle. If your husband has a lower drive then you the only advice I can think of is to approach him the same way you would want to be approached if the tables were turned. His lower drive could be due to low testosterone, negative teachings or even stress. If it is something that is hindering your relationship then I urge you to help him seek professional help.
I think that this is when I felt most vulnerable ever in my life, when I first discussed this with my husband. It does take some courage to come forward while feeling emotionally naked but it is so worth it. You are worth it. Do not be afraid to encourage other women to enjoy their sexual side. Christian Nymphos is one vehicle that we can use to spread the word and the another way we can spread the word is through you, our readers. This is such an important topic for our future generations; sex is good and nothing to be ashamed about. If more women come forward with their true feelings than others will avoid the shame that some have felt with these sexual urges. We should all hold our heads up high and be proud because we are living our lives as God intended. You view sexuality as an important part of your marriage and that’s not normal, it’s extraordinary.
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Christian Nymphos 
Great article! My thoughts exactly, I’ve had this very discussion with my girlfriends and have gotten the same response, which is truely sad, seeing as we all grew up in the same church.My husband and I make love 4-5 times a week which these girls just don’t understand how I can desire and even iniciate this.then they wonder why we have such a great marriage and get along so well! They call it lucky, I call it God’s plan! Keep up the good writing, I’m so glad I found this site, it’s much needed in today’s society.
Thanks for expressing so well the way I think too. If I can’t ML with my husband at least 1 time every 2-3 days, I feel disconnected too. I also have the higher drive and my husband’s problem is low testosterone and we are dealing with that now, but we accidentally discovered what we call “skin time” – if we’re not able to ML, we just get skin to skin and cuddle – that helps both of us a lot and helps us keep our marriage working right! Thanks again!
I feel so blessed to be able to get on this site and read from all of you women.
We all learn from each other. Thank you for your time creating this article, Peppermintgirl. I appreciate your insight.
Last night was one of the darkest nights of my entire sexual awakening experience when I had to face my man’s low sex drive after 10 days of being apart. I totally lost it. My suffering was so acute that even he could not bring me to my senses.
Job stress and worry about economic stuff has been taking its toll on him and his masculinity is severely threatened. Although I can try hard to relate to his strain, I came unglued when he did not want to do more than “skin time”.
Sounds selfish but I am one of the most unselfish people according to my family so I will not beat myself up with that lie.
He did reach out to hold me in my pain which lead to a passionate time together. A healing balm to my aching heart and body. Of his love for me, I am secure but I hurt deeply because he is now, not able to match my HUGE sex drive towards him.
My pain drove me to dive into the book of James this morning regarding trials and temptations.
Sometimes I wish God had left me alone to be an asexual woman so that I would not have to suffer this incredible pain. My man’s sex drive has fallen away through age and stress and I would not have been any the wiser.
How to draw strength to continue opening myself to all that goes with later life sexual awakening is taking everything I have got. If I did not know that my God is right with me in all of this, I would not be able to ‘go there’. He has always been faithful to me so I must continue on this journey regardless of the cost.
[@ smokeypuss], I sympathise with you and I think I can speak on behalf of every other married woman on this blog. At the risk of sounding trite, may I remind you that He does indeed supply our needs according to His riches… I pray that things do stabilize for your hubby. These times are trying for everyone and we can only cling to God’s word, knowing He cannot lie. In God’s love – browneyedgirl.
Hello Browneyedgirl,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I truly receive your advice and will be increasing my time spent reading the Word of God.
You don’t sound trite and yes, I will keep looking to God because He will supply all of my needs..period.
I am keenly aware that there are people reading this blog who yearn for encouragement that there is someone else out here who is struggling with becoming a whole woman.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and so too, undoing years of wrong conceptions about Christian femininity and masculinity, doesn’t happen overnight.
I will stay faithful to the course that God has laid before me because there are so many young ladies coming into their womanhood, who need older women to guide and nurture them into Godly femininity, before and certainly after they marry.
God’s army still marches on….Christian Nymphos march to one of the many beats of God’s drum.
in friendship,
smP
smokeypuss, I have to say that reading your response to this article almost brought me to tears. I have been struggling with a very similar situation and although I have found some great advice and encouragement through this website (especially this article) I still find myself feeling rejected and hurt.
My husband and I have been married for a little less than a year. He is 15 years older and was married previously for 13 years to a very unfaithful woman. He has gone through many struggles with re learning how to trust and open up to me in our relationship and although I am very proud of his improvement we still have very different sex drives.
We’re currently working through the Mars Hill series on the Song of Songs and he seems very receptive to the ideas there (he is a fairly new Christian), but I am still not seeing any changes aside from “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been and I will work on it.”
I love my husband very much. I am struggling with being a new military wife in many ways, but this is definitely on the top of the list. I think it’s especially hard because I am still learning about my own sexuality too.
Done with rambling… I just thought I’d say cheers for your courage, smokeypuss, and you will be in my prayers!
I love how real we can be here with our struggles.
We CN writers really want to make this a safe place for you all to find strength.
Hi Dandelion13,
I pray for many people so I am really touched that you mentioned you would pray for me. I receive your kind thoughts with a grateful heart.
My darling and I had a fantastic weekend. I actually felt like oil was being poured onto the wounds in my heart with every moment of loving that my husband shared wtih me.
Reading your post had me blinking quite a bit as well. You can be sure that I will remember to lift your marriage up to the Lord every time I am outside with my little ones this spring and see dandelions shining in the sun. A visual reminder to me and I will be faithful.
I agree with Cinnamonsticks about making this a safe place for us all to communicate about our journey to wholeness. Thank you, Spicegirls AGAIN.
smP
“If your husband has a lower drive then you the only advice I can think of is to approach him the same way you would want to be approached if the tables were turned.”
Which is how? (Honest question, since the tables ARE turned in my marriage)
I don’t mind questions, landschooner. 😉
In my case I would want to be approached with respect, patience, and in a non accusatory tone. Every marriage is different and what works in one may not work in another. I try to be those three things in all situations, not just sexual. Once walls are put up things are no longer productive so I do everything I can to stop those walls from going up.
landshooner,
Something that I’ve found recently that has been very helpful is finding other ways of being affectionate aside from physical contact. It has helped my husband feel more comfortable with himself and even though our number of ‘encounters’ hasn’t exponentially increased, I’m finding that I’m getting through to him much better by spending lots of time serving him in other ways than communicating my resentment and hurt. The more upset I got about the situation, the more it seemed like he pulled away. He finally communicated to me that he thought that “all I wanted was the sexual act” and he felt more like an object than a husband. That really got through to me and I realized that I needed to change my approach. I myself am a “fix it” kindof person… I like to have one conversation and have the situation resolved. Baby steps are working better, so patience is something I constantly have to work on. I pray that your relationship with your wife becomes more wonderful every day, in and out of the bedroom. 🙂
I have felt so alone for a long time now in more ways than one. I now realize many CW have the same problem as me. It’s just hard finding someone to talk to that will understand me and not think bad of me. My husband sometimes makes me feel bad because I want sex and intimacy. . He on the other hand is ok if he has sex maybe once every month or two. This is driving me crazy and I really have no one I can turn to. I’m not going to my pastor about this! I don’t want to beg my husband for sex. He should crave me and want to be with me. We have been married now for almost 9 years. This is my 2nd marriage and his first. He was much more aggressive early in our marriage. I am so hurt! I know he loves me but this is just painful to live this way. I cry myself to sleep at night thinkiing this is it. I’m not getting any younger but I love him so much and he is all I want. I don’t know how much longer I can live this way. I would like to make love several time a week. I just don’t know what to do any more.
I came to tears when I read that article…it is so me. Just last night I was in tears, expecting but then disappointed, I cannot count how many times I have been frustrated and in tears as I go to sleep. We have just been married 7 months. It was more frequent at first, but now I am lucky at twice a week. It is more often once. I need so much more. I am shy, I have no idea how to bring up this subject with my husband. I am not an initiator either..so just end up needy, frustrated, and upset. I really need help. Please, any advice would be so appreciated.
Hello sexlessnTN and vryanz,
I’m not ‘there’ yet but this is what I have found is working in my life.
Read, read, read all over this site, something will change in your head and heart.
Begin a study on who you are as a woman and how you can be a better you in every sense; body, soul and spirit. Something happens to a woman who develops herself outside of ‘just for her man’ because she values herself as a person and wants to be the most gorgeous female she can be. Nothing to lose, this is about you.
Begin to study your husband and make him your hobby ! Figure out what your man is all about as though you don’t know him at all, when is he most frisky, which women catch his eye without him knowing you are watching, etc.. Ask him what he likes about you and what he doesn’t and truly listen. Again, nothing to lose, this is about him.
I will back you both in prayer, of course. 😉 Oh, did I mention to read all around this site….
Hi Vryanz;
I know that you are shy. Gently bring up the subject. Communicate your need. Women, in one respect, are blessed in that they never run out of “Juice”. When a wife has a higher sex drive that her husband, the husband sometimes feels inadequate, which can frustrate the situation even more, by making him less adequate. It does not sound like either of you are older, but many of us guys, as we age, may not be able to produce nightly, or more than once a day.
Having said these things, marriage is supposed to be very fulfilling for both partners. How do you get satisfied without totally overloading him? Communicate your desire, and find ways to fulfillment. How about a variety of toy nights, in which he can please you and fulfill you, with the door always being open to intercourse when he is willing. In high / low pairings, it is not unusual for “maintenance sex” to be used. This in ways is easier if the husband has the higher desire, as the wife does not have to be “erect” or change in other ways in order to accommodate her husband, whereas the husband needs an erection, hence my suggestion for “toy nights” to ease the pressure on him to produce.
I am not sure what the high desire wife version of this would be, but we sometimes do “massage sex”. My DW gets a back massage, while I get doggie style. Love those long back massages!
vryanz~ If you are too shy to discuss this face to face then you could always try writing things down. We can not expect our husbands to read our minds. You should talk to him before resentment sets in.
It is refreshing in a way to know that wives sometimes have a higher sex drive than their husbands. In our marriage, I have often felt to be the perverted spouse for desiring physical intimacy. Often times physical intimacy seems to be a “passage” for my wife while an intimate symbol and act of bonding for me! It helps to know that I am not alone and how other marriages face this challenge!
Matt and I have been married going on 3 years. We have an almost 2 year old boy and our second son on the way. I have dealt with this problem throughout our entire marriage.. it has brought me to my knees, shaking and in tears many many times. I cry myself to sleep everytime he stamps my head with the big red REJECTED stamp. Early in our marriage we would ML at least a few times a week.. now it is once a month, unless I beg and cry about it. Why should I have to do that?! Why am I not desired? I want him all the time and not just for the physical part of it.. but because I need that emotional connection. I yearn for it. ML to him is like giving him my ultimate gift, surrendering myself completely to him, mind body and soul in a very intimate way. I love feeling desired and loved!!! I make sure he always knows that he is no matter what.. but it seems like he won’t even flirt with me for fear of ML!!! This devastates me because of the blow to my self-esteem and it’s like being handed my love right back to me! He almost never lets me down easy.. which makes it worse. I feel bad for pushing the subject, but it gets to the point where I need to tell him what I am feeling!!! I always seem to get pity sex or the same old “I’m sorry, I will work on it I promise.” ML is beautiful between two married people in the eyes of God and I feel like I am missing that gift from Him because of my husband!! I just want to feel wanted and loved and beautiful again. I need that connection with him.. but I am just at a loss. 😦
Hi Steph,
So much pain in your words. I hurt for you. I hope some of the other women on this site will offer you some words of encouragement as I am too emotionally close to what you are experiencing to offer sound wisdom.
My little oddity is placing visual reminders before my kitchen sink to remember to pray for people….Steph is the feminine name for Stephen which means wreath or crown. I will make a miniature wreath out of grass to remind me of you and your man.( the grass withers, the flowers fall but the word of our God stands forever )
Don’t give up, Steph. You are not at a loss. Posting here showed that you are filled with hope. Don’t give up on your dreams. God gives us the desires of our hearts…that is a verse with a double meaning in that He gives us the desires that are there and in turn brings those desires about. God is in love with us and sees us with loving eyes. I will pray that you will both see each other as He does.
You have highlighted a problem in this article which is epidemic but rarely spoken of. Women who are the “high desire” spouse in their relationship often feel alone and isolated because we as a culture do not have any understanding of this issue. Michelle Weiner-Davis has an excellent book on the subject entitled “The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire” which I highly recommend to all women who find themselves in this lonely battle. Not only does the author outline possible reasons for lack of desire (and this is helpful because we can spend so much time and energy beating ourselves up over the question of why and all its possible answers) but also gives great tips on how to communicate with your husband about the issue. It’s a must have!
I’m so glad I found this website and I am in tears reading all of this. Especially sexlessTN, b/c your post sounds so much like me. I am in a marriage where my husband has a low sex drive. We have been married almost 5 years. I am 24 and he is 31. It seems like if I dont initiate sex, we would never have it. It seems like sex just doesnt even cross his mind. He tells me that he likes it when I come after him, but I often get rejected when I come to him. This just kills my self-esteem. He always tells me that I’m beautiful, but I want him to show me. The worst part is that we are now trying to get pregnant for the first time these past few months. He wants a baby very badly, but we just aren’t having sex often enough. I’m lucky if we do it once a week, and that’s since TTC. Before, it was maybe twice a month. This is very frustrating and depressing to me. We talk about it often and he thinks that there may be something wrong with him. He says that he recognizes that he has a low sex drive. He also has erectile dysfunction, which Cialis helps with that. He wants to go to the doctor to get his testosterone level checked, but he is currently unemployed and without health insurance. He just lies around and sleeps all the time. I think that he may be depressed. I just feel so lost and alone and neglected. I have no one to talk to about this.
I really feel alone, because I’am that husband on the original comment. My husband put your site as my internet pop-up hoping to inspire me. What he does’nt realize is it can, but it also depresses me because I feel so out of the loop. I don’t feel like you guys do and I want to really bad.
It seems I’m not a good enough wife! When I am doing better for my husband sexually, it seems I fall short in dinner or housework etc. So I try really hard to work on those areas and it seems I fall short on sex. I feel like I never get it right.
I enjoy sex very much, I just don’t think about it like he does. He is always make small comments. The biggest one is when I tell him I love him, he says no you don’t. There is more, but I’m so upset right now I can’t think of them.
This goes in waves where he is fine but makes comments all the time and then I wake up or come home from work and he is distant and mad. Why can’t I get this right. I pray to God asking him to help me, but it seems as if he is’nt.
When I read your stuff I feel like such a failure. I know he wishes he had a wife like one of you. I’m desprate that is why I’m finally writing on this site.
If you are wandering how many times we have sex, it varies. What I remember and what he remembers is usually two different things. I would say thinking of both of us would be twice a month. Sometimes it is once a week and there have been times when it was several times in a week. That last one is’nt often. Probably the first is most accurate.
He said he has stoped initiating it because he feels that I’m just having sex because it is my duty. That is’nt true, though sometimes I’m tired. Now I’ve been the one initiating it. That is alot of pressure on me. He thinks then if I initiate it, then he knows I reallly want it, but he also reads into it when I have’nt initiated it.
I have to go now and get ready for work. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALone and hurt
Oh dear woman, you are not alone. I have felt those same things and had the same struggle. And even though my mind has been redeemed from a previous mindset that had me believing lies about my sexuality, I still struggle sometimes to balance being a lover and being a caregiver to my kids and taking care of our home. You can read about my current struggle in an article I published this week called Attitude is everything
Our blog was not set up to make anyone feel bad about themselves and I think your husband is taking a lazy way out of effectively communicating with you by having our blog pop up on your screen. Far better to learn your love language and meet your needs and pray for you and be selfless in his love. I am fine with couples using our blog as a spring board to communication, but the whole pop up thing is just lazy in my opinion. I think you both seem to be at the end of yourselves and a really good Christian counselor may help you through this. Help you to learn how to communicate with each other again.
You will be in my prayers!
Alone,
First off, I want so say how sorry I am that you feel badly after reading our posts. Here is an online hug! I don’t agree with how you’ve been somewhat bombarded by this site, but I hope that you are able to find encouragement from it. I fully agree with cinnamonsticks in that this is a great tool to spark communication on sexual issues, because it has made a big difference in my communication with my husband. He found it at work because a friend of his accidentally came across it and thought it was funny because of the title. After I did a little reading, we spent time reading several articles TOGETHER and found that we were missing each other in a lot of issues. My heart and prayers go out to you! ❤
It’s so good to hear other women talking about this, especially women who are so sexually driven toward their husbands. I have the same “problem”, and as a new wife to a man who has a lower sex drive, it’s very tough for me at times. I kind of thought I would have a higher sex drive before we got married, but once we started ML, we found out how truly different our libidos are. I have days where I feel so disgusting for wanting him as much as I do, and it’s so hard not to beat myself up over this. I want to be the good little wife that makes him happy instead of frustrated and guilty.
But we’re still new at this, so I think with time we’ll both be able to handle it better. Maybe we’ll find a balance that makes me happy but doesn’t leave him exhausted.
Alone, three years ago, I could have written your same post. Exactly the same. Sweetie, you are not alone. I went through this for 11 years. I went through a lot of physical problems (side effects of being on birth control) and when I finally shook BC, I had a lot of baggage from my past that I had held on to and believed a lot of lies that Satan had filled my head with over the years. I was a raving lunatic for my hubby in bed when we first got married, but after my son was born (we were married 14 months then), it was like I fell off a ledge into an abyss….my DH didn’t skip a beat, but I couldn’t separate being a mom, a spouse and a lover. They just didn’t mix well at all. What you published in your comment was almost verbatim what DH and I went through, except that he told me he would always love me no matter what and he didn’t tie in sex with my love for him. He KNEW I loved him, I just had a problem that I didn’t know how to fix….actually at the time, I didn’t want to fix it, I believed so many lies from Satan.
Honey, God has a perfect time for everything. I understand how having our site pop up would make you feel bad. Anything my DH suggested made me feel bad for not wanting him as much as he wanted me. Sweetie, God gave your DH the exact wife that he needed….God’s just not through with you yet. I thought God forgot me, too, but he didn’t. He knew the EXACT time when I would be ready to listen to him. He was trying to reach out to me all along, but I wasn’t HEARING him. I wasn’t listening at all. I was so caught up in myself and my own selfishness, that I couldn’t hear him at all.
I want you to do this for me. It’s a hard thing to do, but I want you to pray this prayer daily. “God, I know you have a perfect plan for me. Give ___________ a new wife and let her be ME! Change me, Lord, help ME to be the wife that you intended for _____________. I know you love me, Lord. I trust that you are with me always and that you will open my eyes to see your truth. Lord, I look forward to seeing the new me. In Jesus name, Amen” (Put your husband’s name in the blanks) It was very hard for me to admit that I was the one that needed changing. I thought I was right all along. You have a better attitude than I did. You at least WANT to be this way.
It’s still at times and up and down struggle for me, too. I went through 2 years where I more closely matched my DH’s drive, but now with much more responsibility at my job, stress and tiredness are taking their toll, and I am trying to work my way back up where I used to be.
I will be praying for you. This other article might be of help to you, too. I can’t figure how to make it into the correct link like my sister, Cinnamonsticks, but I think it will take you there just the same.
https://christiannymphos.org/2008/01/11/dear-spouse-%E2%80%A6-100-me%E2%80%A6-0/
I would like to Thank all of you for your words of encouragement, support, and prayers. I need to clear something up. I mis-spoke about it being a pop-up. I did not know the word for it. Your sight is made to be my homepage. I know my husband meant it to encourage me to look for ideas, things that could help me. I feel alone because I don’t feel I fit in here because I don’t seem to have the same sexual drive as everyone on this sight. I’m so glad though that I did write on this sight for help and prayer. Your comments helped me realize that I am not abnormal. This gives me hope! If any of you have ideas to help me arrive at a sexual appetite like you guys have for your husband, I would love to read them. I already have received one from Spicynutmag about a wonderful prayer. I will definitely be reciting that prayer.
Hi Alone,
Hope you can change your pseudo-name soon.
I have been talking with my husband and have not been able to stop thinking of you and your man. God is doing a work in your marriage so don’t give up hope and look to Him for all things as He is the author and finisher of our faith.
I will pray for you both this coming week. My prayer reminder will be a mini model of two clay people, intertwined in passion, with a cross as their support.
Stay focused on what God is teaching you at this time in your marriage. Small things can make huge differences in our lives so don’t negate any changes you make towards seeking God’s best for your oneness with your man.
trust me, the prayer was my start. At first I really didn’t believe it, but pretty soon, I did start to realize that I couldn’t expect change to happen if I didn’t expect it to happen to me, too. It’s a starting point. You can change your home page, sweetie! It doesn’t have to be us, but please bookmark us, so that we can hear from you if you are starting to see the change happen. We’ll be here, praying for you!
My God! What kind of husband would say something so cruel when you say I love you, he says no you don’t?! You’re pulling your hair out trying everything . What is he doing to make you feel loved? How are you suppose to want sex if you don’t feel loved? I might have a high sex drive but if I don’t feel loved I shut down.
How can you appreciate what he wants if he doesn’t appreciate what you DO? AND Don’t you DARE accept being told, “If you loved me you would have sex with me” Walk away don’t say anything accept, ” The next time we talk, it will be at a counceler” That will be your answered prayer. Some strength to stand up for your happiness!
God Bless you and good luck
Hi everyone,
I am feeling so very relieved (but still frustrated sexually though!) after reading everyone’s comments on this page. Up until reading this, I had been feeling so alone and really emotionally punishing myself for allowing myself to have such a high sex drive, and to feel such intense sexual urges.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD late last year and has been on the drug Ritalin ever since. Before he started taking Ritalin, our sex drives were both quite equal in degree, however Ritalin has really taken a toll on the happiness and health of our sex life. My husband hardly ever has sex with me more than once every three to four days, while sometimes we do not make love for almost an entire week!
Before being medicated however, we would always make love at least twice everyday, if not three to four, to five or six times per day! Now because of such a dramatic descrease in my husband’s libido, I am left feeling not only extremely sexually frustrated, but also very unwanted, lonely, unsexy and ignored by him. I feel that because I was so used to his constant sexual invitations, now that they are absent, it makes me feel like he does not find me attractive anymore, which I know is not at all the case.
I find myself feeling so dettached and irritated towards our relationship after two to three days of no intercourse. It is causing huge problems in our marriage, as I feel that without the physical side of intimacy, everything else is completely off balance and uneven!
Please help me!!!
Have you looked into alternative ways of managing his ADHD, other than medication or other meds. Maybe something natural? Diet changes?
It sounds very frustrating.
It’s good to know you aren’t alone though, isn’t it.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put onto Stratera which is less addictive and has less long term side effects than some of the other drugs. I was 25 and about 3 years after I had started treatment I realized that many aspects of my personal behavoir and emotional state were changing and not for the best. My personal decision was to try to cope with the issue without the use of meds. I saw a special counselor who did testing and helped me learn some things I can do to cope with the symptoms of ADHD. I also tried to keep a more rigid schedule and increase the amount of sleep I was getting and this helped a lot. My diet in many ways was also increase the effects that these symptoms were having on me. The best way to describe the way it can make you feel is that you are standing on one bank of a river and the thought you are trying to have is on the other side and no matter how you try to cross you just sometimes can’t get there. The drugs made me feel like I started on the same bank as the thought, but they also made me feel Blah, like things made no difference to me.
After about 3 months of not taking the medicine I felt like myself again. Yes, i still feel like I have a hard time concentrating but I get through it. My wife sometimes gets irritated I know with my day dreaming and sometimes lack of attention span, but she loves and supports me anyways. For me the price I was paying to bridge the gap felt like it was costing more than I was benefiting.
Your husband loves you and I am sure he physically wants you, but the medicine can really alter your state of being. Please be encouraged and stick with him until he finds the right path for him. I hope this helps
Be glad that you have a sex drive. We have 3 children and during our first pregnancy, I lost my sex drive and it’s never came back to where it was before. It’s so very hard when my husband wants me all the time and I can’t return his desire. It gets him really frustrated and he thinks he’s a failure, but it’s me that’s the problem. It’s hard for him to understand because he has such a high drive ALL the time. The only way I can explain it is that it’s like being full from a big meal and someone wanting you to eat another meal….you just don’t want it. I’m not on b/c either since my hubby got his vasectomy last summer, so it’s not meds that is causing my problem. Is there anything on here for WOMEN with a low sex drive?
Back to the ADHD thing…
Cinnamonsticks mentioned to daddy’s little girl that you might try to make dietary changes to help your husband with ADHD instead of medicines.
Some simple changes that work for some ppl I know and/or have read about:
NO red dye (you’ve probably heard this too. It’s true!)
avoid sugar
avoid caffeine
Try switching to whole grains from even white bread or even storebought ‘wheat bread’ which isn’t really made of ONLY whole grain flour.
The first three are simple, the last one requires more work, as it is difficult to find affordable bread that truly is whole grain. I make my own – I own a grinder and a special mixer (a Bosch. Even a kitchenaid isn’t powerful enough to routinely mix whole grain dough!).
My mom did whole grain for it’s health benefits (most of the nutrients of grain are in the part that gets sifted out to make white flour), and I do it for that reason, and also because I have health issues and can’t tolerate flour without the natural nutrients.
Just btw, I love the taste of whole wheat bread – once i got used to it, I couldn’t switch back to storebought bread!
(hubby does prefer his cookies made with storebought flour, though)
Mysticat, my low drive period in my life might help you.
https://christiannymphos.org/2008/10/14/low-drivecan-you-help-me/
https://christiannymphos.org/2008/01/11/dear-spouse-%E2%80%A6-100-me%E2%80%A6-0/
about sexual awakenings
https://christiannymphos.org/2008/01/01/how-to-have-a-sexual-awakening/
This brings up a question? How does a couple have a good quickie. May seem like a stupid question but we always seem to take an hour or so every time, even when trying to have a quick one and get to sleep. So an article on that would be cool.
I bring it up because of the comment from the lady that sex 5 or 6 times a day. Holy Crap, my body couldn’t make that much semen, Or pump that much blood to my, you know,. But that would mean quick work to fit all that in a day. So anyway, please help because we would love to have quickies sometimes but always to love it so much we want it to last.
thanks
With 5-6 times a day, her husband may not be finishing every time. We’ll talk about doing an article on quickies.
mysticat:
spicynutmeg has already posted a couple links for you.
I thought I’d add that recent secular research has been coming up with a conclusion that some women don’t feel desire until AFTER they start becoming physically aroused.
For women in this category, they literally need to give their partner permission to start the process going physically … and after they physically start becoming aroused and energized then their minds and emotions go into motion and say “oh, yeah, this was a good idea!”
To the best of my understanding the research concluded that this is how desire works for some women on a recurring, ongoing, basis.
One of the implications seems to be that if she doesn’t give her husband permission to get things going (i.e. his initiative), she pretty-much won’t have a healthy sex life.
Another implication seems to be that the old teaching that a couple should time their entire sex life to the LOW desire spouse and wait for the low desire spouse to start experiencing desire is pretty much thrown out the window. Some Christian authors who wrote famous books about marital intimacy actually taught that idea and if this new research is “correct” then that teaching was a really, really bad idea for certain couples.
(Well, I think that the LOW-desire-rules teaching was a bad teaching for a bunch of other reasons, too. It just turns out that some secular research is pointing out some of the problems.)
Personally I also like the idea of loving our spouse so much that a major motivation and area of excitement for us is giving enjoyment to our spouse. I’m a male so maybe this second idea wouldn’t help.
Here’s a link to some other ideas which have been published in mainstream media:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,525392,00.html
And so I try again to post without blurring my vision or writing too bitterly.
I am once again shaken to my core at his inability to take care of me sexually when I am lying beside him sobbing my heart out just because I want to have sex with him!
He is too mentally and physically drained from his job and financial pressures. The love making times we have are bliss and they make me hunger for more but last night = empty bowl, empty spoon.
I don’t want skin time, I don’t want to settle for simply being held.
I want full blown, orgasm-rich, love making with him.
Why can’t he get his logical/analytical brain to switch off and onto me?
Why can’t he let himself get lost in sex with me for a relief? Oh God no, I am NOT a relief from his pressures ! And the pain begins again from deep inside my heart.
Self pleasuring is a physical relief but I am trying not to go there at this time to spur myself towards him more. I could become hard-nosed and make sure to : ‘take care of yourself, honey’ but there is a little something or a huge God who keeps me from taking that road. I personally believe a habit of self pleasuring would drown me eventually in hard, feminism-oriented, thinking patterns, away from the love I have faithfully built towards my husband.
Being Christian is crucial because without my God to cry to in times like this, I know I would go off the rails. I feel His presence as I weep.
What do I expect someone to say? There is nothing to say but it helps to simply write this agony to someone out there instead of allowing my pain to eat at me from the inside out.
So I go off to the gym to at least do a positive thing for myself. I have to keep developing myself as a woman. I cannot allow my sexuality to go underground again. Yes, I fear that more than anything else because I know how to be that more than this habit I am trying to cement into my brain of being open sexually for my husband.
There is less pain when I enter into the depths of my rabbit burrow and safely hide from the world without anyone even knowing that I have inwardly retreated. As always, I hear The Son beckoning to me to constantly come out to play in His light and in obedience, I will!
Sorry you are going through this SP. We know the pain of being rejected and I know how painful it is when it is stress related because when that happens here I know that if my husband would offer himself to me that he would find a release from that, and I don’t think that is bad because I know that once he is there it would minister to his heart too. But he is one where his drive plummets when he is stressed out.
Have you talked to your husband outside the bedroom about this? Let him know how important it is to you? I think the best situation is for each spouse to get it when they need it and when that isn’t reasonable for one of them it is really important to continue talking and to choose not to go to a place of bitterness.
It is wise of you to keep your heart open and to continue taking care of your health.
Thanks for reading, Cinnamonsticks,
I have spent time praying this morning and am going to keep the channels open and choose to do even more serving and loving on my man.
He is stressed and I need to look past myself and bless him with my companionship and friendship even though I am wanting sex.
He LOVES body massages so I am going to offer one to him at bedtime tonight and curb my sadness if he falls asleep, which he often does. However, that ever-present naughty and scheming side of me will always hope he gets turned on to me as I relieve stress in his muscles 😉
I’ve never gone wrong serving from the heart so I will use that approach once again as I know God blesses this type of attitude.
Good plan of action.
Consider praying for God to provide you with the right opportunity to discuss what is hurting you. Who knows, maybe he has stuff he needs to share too.
Dear SP,
It is always hard to understand why God would withold something good from us when are motives are pure. Sex with our spouse is one of Gods greatest gifts to us. Your husband probably feels the same way about it and doesn’t want to enter into the act if he can’t whole heartedly. Lets face it life is hard and physically drains us at times. Use this as a time to reflect on how wonderful your husband is and how much you love each other.
At times when I know my DH is exhausted I’ve let him go to bed early, and then hours later, when I come to bed I slowly wake him up usually with oral he can’t ignore that! Middle of the night lovin is always good.
I will pray for you today that your DH finds a little rest before he gets to message time!
thanks ladies, humbling myself to ask for prayer and a listening ear caused me to reach out past my aloof pride towards my husband, cry in his arms, have him be all masculine in protecting his little emo. wife and this morning, I am purring with pussycat satisfaction…my man loved me 😉 pphhhhrrrrr.
Sp,
Glad to hear evrrything is back to normal at your “love nest” I take it the back rub went well! Good for you no better way to start the day or end it for that matter.
Sex is to be earned. Not expected, not given up, not owed.
We don’t know the whole story.
What is he doing to deserve sex? What has he done to make her want it?
What has he done to earn it? What has he done to show he appriciates her?
How could “we” forget to appriciate the hard working mother and wife?
Did someone forget? We don’t know that part.
I want to make love all the time, my husband’s drive is lower than mine. We tell each other several times a day we appreciate each other. There is a list of respect. I ach daily, but I deal with it. If my man didn’t do those daily things, I don’t care how bad I want it. I would just take care of it myself.
There’s more to their story. Don’t be so quick to blame, just because a female doesn’t “give it up”
Breezy, please tell me that you don’t believe this. Sex is NOT to be earned. Sex is a GIFT from God that is to be shared by a man and wife. It doesn’t say anything in the Bible about a man needing to do things to deserve it. That line of thinking is so wrong, and it is not helpful to a woman who may realize that she has a problem, but just doesn’t know what to do to change it. My dh and I learned about that first hand.
During my refusing years, which I learned was wrong 3 years ago and have been doing my best to remedy it since, my own DH did EVERYTHING in his power to try to please me to get sex, and it DIDN’T work. He started cooking all the meals. He was doing all the dishes, cleaning the house, trying to keep the kids out of my hair. He thought if he did more for me around the house, that I wouldn’t be as tired. The problem wasn’t what he was or wasn’t doing, it was the lies Satan was filling my head with that was keeping us apart. It was my relationship with God that was lacking. I had become so absorbed in my work and being a Mom, that I forgot that my relationship with God comes first, then my hubby, then my kids…. in fact, I never had anyone model that or talk to me about being intimate with my hubby. Not in the church, not by my parents. I love my parents dearly, but did I ever see them kiss, hold hands, snuggled up to each other looking like they loved each other more than life itself? No. Whatever intimacy they had was confined to their room. So as a new mom and wife, I modeled after my own mom. She took care of us with all she had. And I also had a lot of past baggage on my own sin….God had forgiven me, my DH had forgiven me, but I had not forgiven myself. Satan took that and warped it to make me believe that I had not been forgiven, so I was tortured with it for a long time.
We don’t know the whole story. We don’t know how the wife feels, if she is a Christian, what kind of role models she had, what kind of relationship she has with God, what the church has told her…. we don’t know that, so we shouldn’t take sides either way.
And I would say this because I have been there. I believe she DOES love her husband. I loved my husband during the 11 years that I refused him. I loved being his wife. I just didn’t love sex. I was lost, but God reached out to me in HIS OWN PERFECT TIME (which is not our own) when he knew that I was ready to listen to HIM, and he rescued me.
That’s why this site is here. Not to condemn anyone, but to free them. I hope that you realize and understand that.
A friend was on Ritalin then changed to Prosac. She had no drive.
She now takes an herbal supplement called Maca. 300mg a day after a week.
It changed her life! It’s suppose to be good for men too. Talk to your doctor.
I hope you find moments in the day to be close without sex. My husband and I work side by side and we’re lucky if we make love every two weeks! It kills me sometimes, but that’s life, ya gotta work. Imagine 24 hrs a day I’m near him!
Anyhow, we find many moments in the day to hug and be close while we tell each other how much we appreciate the other. We name specific things. He constantly through the day says ,”Do you know you’re loved?”
Try some of those things inbetween sex. It will help you not feel so abandon.
SP:
Your story sounds very similar to mine. My problem is that it have been like that since the beginning. I think I have had great intimacy two times. We are newlyweds which really concerns me! 😦
I also give him massages and back rubs (he loves them) hoping that he will get turned on but knowing that he would just fall asleep. I do other things too which actually turns him on, until I move to the next step and pursue some “full blown, orgasm-rich, love making with him”. When he sees that I want this, it all seems to go away.
I don’t know how to change it!
Usually, at beginning, both partners are excited witheach other!… what happened here?
It’s not uncommon for a couple to have to work out frequency issues and I can not express clearly enough how important it is that a husband and wife be focused on developing health communication skills with one another. You both need have the confidence in your relationship to talk about and work through problems as they arise. It’s good to hear that you have such a healthy relationship. You should be able to approach him with the concerns you have about your intimacy level. Specifically he needs to know how important it is to you that you know he desires you. Set aside a time outside of the bedroom to discuss it.
Also, if the two of you had sex before you got married you and he may be carrying guilt about that. If you haven’t straightened that up with the Lord, I encourage you to do so and then be honest with each other if it is something that is contributing to the problems you are having now.
I’m sorry.
Be encouraged – with communication, love-making gets a LOT better with time, not worse.
You hear alll these stories about couples falling ‘out of love’ but that doesn’t have to be true, and in cases where both ppl love sacrificially and communicate, marriages get BETTER, not worse, with time. And that especially is true in love-making.
we’ve been married 13 months, and it gets better and better 🙂 Sometimes are rougher than others and seem worse (like, you get your body figured out then you get pregnant and have to try different things because of morning sickness. Then you get that figured out and you’re second trimester which has a new set of ‘issues’. Or hubby has to work new hours, or is stressed, or this or that), but with communication and patience each time you get past an ‘obstacle’ you can be SO much closer than you were before….
I hope you and your hubby can communicate and learn about each others bodies and how to please each other 🙂
have fun!
Well it’s good to know I’m not alone. I am 25 and I have a super high sex drive. I’ve thought about getting counseling. My husband has been gone to Iraq since Dec of 08 and I’ve been going crazy! I can’t control myself at all. Sometimes I cry and I talk to him about it but he brushes it off. He’ll be back in 3 months . I try and talk to him about sex on the phone and he doesn’t even want to hear it. I guess mainly because he has no privacy and he hates being there. I’m so ashamed of it because I try to please myself in other ways. (I’ll never cheat on him , although I think the things I do even if it’s by myself is a form of cheating) I’m not trying to confess but what am I supposed to do? I pray about it and cry and pray and I guess I just need strength
*sigh* .. Why am I so cursed?
Oh, you are not cursed, Honey! You are very normal. I can’t imagine how hard this is for the two of you.
You and your husband have awakened love through your being one in flesh and now you are not able to focus your sexual energy on your husband. It is normal to feel frustration in that.
And the limitations in being able to communicate openly only compound the frustration level.
You will know in your heart if you are sinning or not by pleasing yourself. Sometimes it can be sinful if, for example, you are thinking about someone else when you do it. Other times it may not be if you are thinking about your husband and you remain in control of yourself. Try not to come to Jesus with a heart of shame. It makes it very hard to hear from him. He doesn’t shame you. He wants to help you through this and will show you what that looks like.
Please feel free to find support for the more intimate aspects of this at our blog as you need it, but I also pray that the Lord would provide a friend for you to help you with the more general aspects of being separated from your husband.
i agree that our married life is blessed ,but of late ,maybe b’coz ,my dh is a diabetic has less time to satisfy me ,but i want him to pamper me caress me ask me of my feelings ,or just do something ,which can make feel forget that im feeling lost or left out after he does that n feels tired ,i want to help him in every way ,i can n i do understand.pls pray for our sex life life to be blessed .thankgod i found this site ,where i can ,post myslf without any guilt.
I was so excited when I got on Joe Beam’s website and it directed me to this one. I have searched the internet before to read up on other women who have high-sex drives and it seems that there is rarely anything out there. I have no one I feel comfortable with to discuss my sexual life with.
My husband always talked about how he couldn’t wait to have sex with me once we were married. However, it seems like once we were married it didn’t happen that way. I am 25 and didn’t really know the entirety of my sexual drive. I knew that sometimes I desired him so so so strongly while we were dating, but once I experienced sex for the first time, I knew I wanted it more. We have been married for a little over a year now. In that time, I believe that I have only had 3 orgasms and they are not as intensifying as when I masturbate to him. I really don’t like the idea of masturbating, but sometimes I really feel that I need to subdue my desire.
I have talked with my husband about wanting more sex. He keeps saying that he will give me more sex, at least once a day but it never happens. Also, I read something on Joe Beam’s website about a man wanting sex with his wife while she was menstruating and that is something I would love as well. However, I can also survive without during that week. Sex is not just entirely sexual satisfaction for me. It helps my stress levels go down and I am much more happy. I notice that our relationship, for me, is much better. I want to be wanted….desired…….
My husband is a wonderful Christian man, but must have a low sex drive which confuses me because when we dated he just couldn’t wait. I am a petite girl and he tells me quite frequently that I am a wonderful person and have a cute “booty”. I love that he tells me these things. I try to coach him on things he can do for me, but it seems more like he tries to avoid them. Don’t get me wrong….there are times that he still grabs me quick and wants some. BUT I really want to be wooed for an entire day leading up to having sex so that I can be ready in all ways and experience a “all-out” orgasm.
I have read on the internet for things to increase our sex. This is normally not me. I have difficulty dancing for him because that’s just not me. But I still step out of my comfort zone. I have researched naughty things to say. I come on to him. I wear sexy lingerie. I dress up for dates. I tease him and talk dirty before sex. He brushes me off a lot of the time. This is frustrating. My biggest frustration is that I seek sex way more from him and sometimes I am rejected. This is a horrible feeling…to be rejected. I have talked with him about this. I grew up a traditional Christian and believe that men should seek women. I want to be pursued. Oh, the frustration!
Any advice and/or encouragement. I seriously have tried everything to encourage him to have more sex in our lives. Thanks!
As a man i was always uncomfortable with my wife telling me what to do for her. I knew the value of it but but it frustrated me. Some things just weren’t my style and at times she told me things that I had been thinking but then she said it and it was no longer my own. If she said it then it was no longer natural or honest, It was like winning a game but knowing you had cheated.
Some men deep down need to be the hunter and pursuer. If you bring it up first all the time he is frustrated deep down and he shuts down.
I’m just sharing things as a man that I experienced in my marriage.
Also men are just dum. I took me 9 years to really learn to give my wife the chase she needed. Part of the wisdom came from having a daughter and seeing the part of her personality that need daddy to pursue her as the special little lady she is. So different from our little boy.
So maybe the guy is like me, he really needs to come up with it himself to feel like he deserves you.
Skator,
Thanks for the response. It’s great to hear from a man what might be occurring. I appreciate your willingness to share, however, I am not sure that this is it. My husband usually would rather me just state what I want. We discuss this because I want him to come up with ideas on his own. I prefer this….however he struggles in the romantic area. His father does as well and I am wondering if that is why. His parents have been divorced for years and he still holds on to that to a large degree. He is really sweet in many other areas……but he has difficulty in the sexual area of our relationship. I know that he is not shy, by any means,………….still confused. I pray….I guess I will continue to be patient…..it’s only been a year.
honestly my husband does not like to be pursued either, he finds it a turn off. i do not understand why, he just does.
basically i have to let him chase me and chase me until i catch him!!! 🙂
try flirting. i know, it sounds silly flirting with your husband, but it works for us. flip your hair, give him a look, dress sexy, etc.
the only way i can explain it maybe is … you know how women want foreplay foreplay foreplay?
men like to be teased teased teased.
now, maybe your husband likes the direct approach … many women here say that works for them. but my hubby would actually be turned off if i was the aggressor, or used vulgar language … which i feel silly doing anyway.
If you cannot do any convincing with your body or your actions, I would seek either counseling or possibly a physical examination for your man. There is a chance he would be suffering from low T levels. One common and non-medicated way for him to overcome this is through good diet and exercising.
One more suggestion to add to this post- do some research into fish oil supplements- high omega 3’s. Some research indicates that it is very helpful for children who have ADHD. As an aside I was diagnosed with this BEFORE they called it that, before Big Pharma developed Ritalin and all the blessings it has given us, and my grandmother had my mother give me cod liver oil by the quart! God Bless Her. Hey if nothing else, break the capsules and use it for massage oil.
Hi Everyone,
I am glad to have found this article since I can really relate. I understand exactly how it feels; ‘if I go more than three days without being intimate that I tend to feel disconnected from my husband’.
My story in short:
Got married 7years ago after a marriage course by our minister. This course focused a lot on sex and it’s importance in a good relationship. We agreed to make it a priority to meet each other’s needs –long before I ever imagined there may be a ‘miss match’ in needs.
Unfortunately, days after our marriage my husband started rejecting my advances. Through the years this grew into a huge problem to the point today that I am struggling to cope. Though I have the most wonderful husband, he has almost no sex drive. While I would be thrilled to make love almost daily, I know I can cope with twice a week. Unfortunately even that has proven to be unreachable.
After struggling with this issue daily for so many years we have of course discussed this many times. His testosterone levels have been tested slightly low and he is on medication for it, but without any luck.
I feel I have failed as a wife. I feel completely disconnected, rejected and depressed. I know my frustration is also putting me at risk for being unfaithful.
Thanks for letting me share
You are definitely not alone Ann. I am curious if you have told that last part to your husband. Does he know that you feel so needy that you are concerned for what choice you might make if the enemy where to put the wrong situation in your path? It’s good that you two are able to discuss it.
“I feel I have failed as a wife.”
because HE has a low sex drive? that is NOT your fault.
actually it may not be his … he may just have been born with a low libido.
i think it is important to find out if he is having sex by himself or is he just not interested at all. if he is having sex with himself, then that brings up one sort of trouble … you will need to incorporate yourself into his solo activity.
if he just has a low libido, that brings different problems.
also, it could be he suffers from erectile disfunction and just is too embarassed to tell you. does viagra help?
finally, you could always buy a sex toy for yourself. you could even let him watch and/or participate. men generally like to watch, there is an article here about it.
anything … and i really pretty much mean anything is better than adultery.
I’m a little hesitant to ask my question, because I think I know what sort of answer I’ll get, & that’s usually not the best thing, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve known I have a higher drive/appetite than dh for quite a while. Sure, it causes aches & hurts & lonliness, & I can really relate to feeling like a failure &/or totally unattractive. Reading here has helped that somewhat, as I’ve learned that we don’t all fit the Hollywood stereotypes.
In the last few months, I started “charting” my cycles & other things for fertility awareness. On the chart was intercourse & orgasm. I kept the chart in my calendar/journal where I scribble almost daily. After a couple of months, I was reviewing to sort of “get a feel” for my body’s rhythms. Totally by accident, I discovered something I was *not* expecting to see.
Since my journal recordings were right there next to our sexual/orgasm frequency, it was painfully obvious that my ups & downs with emotions & struggles closely followed our frequency patterns. In the places where it had been more than 2 days since we were together, those were where my journal showed feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, cynicism toward romance, & the belief that dh just “endured” life with me because he must. Those were the times I did *not* feel free to talk openly with him, or to approach him at all. Those were the times I was irritable & frustrated… You get the point.
The days that we had been together were the days that I believed that he loved me, that I believed I could be attractive, the days I knew that beautiful intimacy & romance were part of God’s plan for us, the days that I felt free to share my heart with him & pray with him, the days I was patient & sweet & calm, & got things done without stress…
I don’t know what to do with this discovery. Repent for my lack of self control? I shared a brief overview with dh, an he said he doesn’t believe it is Gods will for me to be tied to a yo-yo like that. That’s exctly how it feels! And I have seen temptation to be resentful, toward God and dh, for this difference in our sex drives. I never made the connection of sex & the other things, I just knew that every day would be WONDERFUL, every other day is “maintenance”, & less than that & I start to feel very needy. For dh, I think that once or twice a week is what he would call good. I also struggle so much with feeling guilty for wanting sex so much, because he has to put more into it than I do for me to orgasm. I LOVE to try to knock his socks off, but usually an orgasm for him is pretty much uaranteed. For me, it takes time & effort, so not only am I asking for sex that I want & he doesn’t, I’m also asking for him to work at it. 😦
he is an awesome giving loving wonderful husband… Not selfish or careless, don’t get a wrong picture of him… I just don’t know what to do with myself.
(also, just to clarify, masturbation is not at all an option for me)
Cinnamonsticks & Lisab, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond.
A few months ago I was in a situation where I was tempted to be unfaithful. However I found the strength to turn around, head straight to my husband and initiate sex. Unfortunately it was (once again) like running into a brick wall and I was rejected. It was the last time I found the courage to initiate.
Cinnamonsticks, to answer your question; yes, he does know all about this. I have and with the grace of God never will be unfaithful. I am fortunate that we have found a place where we could communicate. Unfortunately, it just haven’t been successful.
He most certainly has a low sex drive. However even people with low sex drives can have a good intimate/sex life. Michele Weiner Davis has a wonderful series of books “Sex starved Marriage”, “Sex starved Wife” (which I by the way highly recommend) and she talks about giving the gift of intimacy to your spouse. I think most of us have done this at some point. For instance I (with the higher sex drive) are not a morning person, but my husband is. If he initiate as I wake up I dread having sex, but allowing him this is like my ‘gift’. As part of our marriage course it was said that one should never refuse your spouse. Surely most of us does not expect to ‘never’ be refused but only allowing sex when you are 100% in the mood will be the end of most good sex lives. As RestorationPrayerNeeded said, many people takes time getting started and how many times have I had the “oh, yeah, this was a good idea” moment” after not being in the mood at all.
I know my husband has watched porn at times when he showed no interest in me. (Long time ago) He admitted to “having sex with himself” once but the last time I asked he denied, so I really don’t know if this plays a part. I really don’t believe erectile dysfunction is an issue. (we talk pretty openly about this) Sex toy I have but somehow it leaves me feeling even more frustrated and even more disconnected from the man I love.
I don’t want to ramble but would like to share one more thing. In this post several people have mentioned about husbands not wanting to be chased. I guess some may even subconsciously feel like this? When initiating I got rejected about 90% of the time. He denies not wanting me to initiate –making me wonder if it may be a subconscious thing. In time being rejected so often lead to me simply not having the courage to take the lead anymore. Now we’re at chess mate; Hubby has no libido and I have no courage to take the lead/initiate. I know if things goes well for a little while and I started feeling a little better about this devastating issue, I will find courage again.
OK,
maybe I should let you know first -up that I have no solution to the problem. Just thought that my replying would bring you a little comfort. The reason I’m replying to your post is that I don’t know who you are, but you just described my life AND MY HUSBAND to a tee. I’ve discovered from being here long enough that there seems to be an epidemic of guys like our husbands. Either that, or for the first time, women are beginning to speak up; maybe ‘cos this is a safe place where nobody knows or condemns you. I had a meltdown 2 days ago and said many things to him which I really meant but regretted almost immediately they left my mouth. I did’nt want to hurt him, I just wanted to get through to him what all this is doing to me. I cried, he cried – has anything changed? I really don’t know. I’m beginning to understand how it is possible for a CHRISTIAN woman to commit adultery (not necessarily physically). I’m emotionally starved. I KNOW HE LOVES ME. I wish that was enough. They say yu can never change the person you are married to. I’ll keep praying. Maybe God will change me.
Ann,
my husband hates to be chased. the funny thing is, he and i are the exact opposite of you and your hubby. mine would love sex every day or more. i on the other hand would be once a week or less — frankly i would rather be knitting. however … even though i did not read the same book as you, basically i just go with it. i figure, if he wants to give me an orgasm, who am i to say no 🙂
but on the chasing thing, i am not sure i have ever been successful initiating. it just turns my hubby off. if i want to initiate i have to do so by flirting and teasing him … e.g. by letting him see me undress, but not exactly … or letting him see my stockings.
i have never tried just showing up naked just wearing a raincoat or anything, but i kinda doubt he would like it. remember, this is a man who loves sex, and would have sex every day quite happily … chasing just does not work for him. i do not know why.
ann,
also a couple more things. keep in mind that both of you are in the “normal range”. it is not uncommon for couples to have sex every day. it is also not uncommon for couples to have sex once a month. plus it sounds like he does not have a physical problem, with erectile dysfunction or anything.
if i had to guess, and i obviously do not know, but my guess is he might be “flying solo”. it is not uncommon for men to do this. it only becomes an issue if he satisfies himself while neglecting you — which seems to be the case. that means it is a behavioral problem not a physical one. (plus i bet he is “flying solo” more than he tells you).
you could really benefit from a professional therapist, but … if … he is just “flying solo” too much, he may be too embarrassed to talk about it, but essentially you just “fly solo” together. ask him to hold you while you use your toy, let him watch. ask him to do it himself.
remember though, both of you sound like you are in the “normal range” for sex drive, so try not to freak out and just work on the problem without pulling in a lot of self-esteem issues. that is, don’t feel like you are not attractive or failing or anything, he just may have a normal but low sex drive. that has NOTHING to do with you. just suggest that you have higher but still normal needs than him, so it would be nice if he hugged you while you use your sex toy.
best of luck, and don’t give up. just try to relax and not feel rejected. i know it is hard, but it is actually “normal” for some people to have a low sex drive — even if you are on a web site that is called christian NYMPHOS.
(((browneyedgirl)))
I don’t understand why it means so much to know you’re not alone, but it does. Thank you. Meet ya at the Throne!!
Lisab, hats off to you for ‘going with it’. I am sure you’re making your husband a much happier man 🙂 I appreciate your reply!
Initiating is hard. I think I was able to do it in the start of our marriage but today it almost feels impossible. In a recent conversation my hubby insisted that he doesn’t have a problem with it so I guess that’s something I have to learn…
Not sure if I mentioned, but I think my husband would be happy making love once in 6 months. We’ve recently had a baby so we weren’t able to have sex for several months. I hoped that he would miss it but I really believe he didn’t.
Regardless what the frequency is, as long as a couple can be at a place where both parties are satisfied. (Be it dayly or annually) It is of course the ‘miss match’ that causes the agony. We all have different things that make us feel loved, be it words, deeds, making love… It would of be so much easier pushing a button to change this. Or even to change the feelings we have around this.
hi Ann,
exactly, it is the mismatch that makes it hard.
the reason why i can “just go with it” is because really i don’t have to do much. a few “thank you conan’s” and hubby is satisfied 🙂 i think it is different for men just because of the physics.
i should also say that i might not be the best example, because i really do not care thaaaaat much about the male physics …
unfortunately i do not usually get that excited during straight intercourse, so for me it is all about foreplay not the actual act … it is nice, but not critical for me
GotASuperGuy and browneyedgirl, Hey! Pick your heads up, girls! There is hope! I know just how you feel; I have lived it, but I’m not living it anymore! First of all, remember that God has a purpose and a plan for your lives, and that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Believe it or not, he allows us to go through situations like this in our lives to draw us closer to Him. It is awesome that our friends at CN have been obedient to the Lord in designing this website so that we are able to share our experiences and seek out each other’s advice; however, don’t stop there! God created you and your darling husband, and He has the answers you are seeking. It is He that placed those wild desires in our hearts, and He longs to fulfill them. It’s true. God wants us to experience sexual fulfillment; however, (THIS IS THE KEY!!!) He does NOT want our trek towards intimacy with our husbands to replace our trek towards intimacy with Him. God’s word tells us to seek Him first, and all these things will be added unto us. It’s true. I’ve tried it.
There was a time in my life when I felt the same way you are feeling now. I prayed the same prayers you are praying. Change him, Lord. What’s wrong with me, God? Then, one day it occurred to me that God was longing to have an intimate, not sexual, but intimate relationship with me, and He was pursuing me with the same fervor that I had been pursuing my husband. He longed to be the lover of my soul, to heal my hurts and satisfy my longings. He wanted me to open my eyes to see how he had been showering me with blessings. He wanted me to write Him love letters of praise and thanksgiving. Now, mind you, I have been a Christian for a long time, but God was calling me to go deeper with Him, to enter into a more passionate relationship with Him, and I had been rejecting His call. Oh, no! God must have felt just as rejected by me as I had been feeling by my husband! That’s when my life began to turn around. The more time I began spending with God, reading and meditating on his Word, talking to Him throughout the day and worshiping Him, the more fulfilled and less needy I began feeling. I did not love my husband any less, nor did I desire him any less, but it was no longer the focus of my life, and guess what? My newfound “wholeness” and joy had transformed me in the eyes of my husband. It was like a makeover from heaven. Judging by his actions, I obviously appeared a lot less “needy” and a lot more “inviting” to my husband!
You can and you will experience this kind of relationship with your man, but you must prioritize your relationship with your Savior above EVERYTHING else. God bless you!
i am a teacher, but in IL we don’t get soc sec. so i have to work in the summer to get it.
my manager at my summer job has a child out of wedlock. the father is in prison. she got married to another man with his own children and had a child with him. they are now getting divorced.
you admit to having a great husband, but you feel bad because he does not want to have sex more than twice a week?
honey … you are a very very very lucky woman if you have a good husband …
Just a quick comment that I believe relates to much of the pain expressed here by some of the ladies. It is something that I observed this very morning. I watch a news program called Fox and Friends- 2 guys and a gal. The woman, in my opinion is a very beautiful woman, in fact she was the 1989 “Miss America.” A guest came on the set and as he sat down, he commented to her, “You look gorgeous today.” For about a second and a half her body language and facial expression fairly gushed with pleasure at his observation, and just as quickly they moved on to the topic at hand. What occured to me was that intellectually this woman knows, without any doubt, that she is gorgeous, drop-dead-gorgeous; I am certain that her husband tells her so; I am certain that being Miss America affirmed for her that she is DDG. It was the reaffirmation by a man that she is gorgeous that gave her a little jolt of joy. Women are wired to need that reaffirmation. A husband that does not provide it by word, touch, smile, or yes, regularly bestowing the Big O, is robbing her of that jolt of joy. Depression, mild or chronic, is the inevitable result. I would recommend a Christian book by a husband and wife team that addresses this (how God wired women-nothing on how to get the Big O.) The title is Captivating, by John and Staci Eldridge. The men’s side of the coin is called Wild at Heart.
“GotaSuperGuy” has posed a question that is addressed in another book that I am familiar with. You have discovered a fascinating phenomenon that is bio-chemical in nature that is only recently coming to light. However it is not a Christian book. I will post a question on the questions page asking the CN to review it and the website that goes with it, as it DIRECTLY addresses this issue and others here. I do not feel it is my right to recommend something that does not have a Christian basis, although the CN do point to some non-Christian resources for perusal. I will leave it them to decide.
Oh yea, i almost forgot. Print out what “wow!godisgreat!” posted above me, tape it to your bathroom mirror and read everyday for a week. Every time you look at yourself in the mirror, read her post and smile. That carpenter guy told us, “the truth shall set you free.”
You know what? I think….. No, I know you are right.
Thank you. I don’t know if it took courage for you to say that, or if it just bubbled out, but either way, thank you. What you said is exactly what I have heard being whispered (in that still small voice that isn’t in the whirlwind) in my soul, but I was focusing too much on the whirlwind to listen to what I knew was right.
I have learned several things through this… One has to do with my reluctance to relate to other people. I am a happy loner who finds “fellowship” (irl anyway) to be a discipline that I often try to wiggle out of. This is one more evidence for me that we really do need “one another” to be able to walk out all those “one another”s in the Word.
Another is that as I’ve been thinking over this blog post & the comments, & my comments, that YES I definitely want more sex, but the real thing that I *really* want is a more intimate relationship with my dh. I want what makes me cry when I read comments/posts that people say “I told dh…” or “we talked about…” or “ask your husband for…” or “tell him you like…”. I want to be able to communicate with him, to be comfortable & secure in our relationship. I want to be able to tell him the things I say here, & in my journal. I want to quit writing long letters that I’ll never give him. And the reason I thought it was only sex drive is because when we have sex, I feel that way for a little while. Yes, I want more sex. But I also want more than sex.
Which makes your comment all the more rich & clear to me. Thank you again. God bless you!
I understand your point. I really do. We have ourselves ministered to & opened our home to some in some very ugly, painful situations. I am extremely grateful, & I let my dh know it often.
BUT, I must say that coming from someone who “would rather be knitting” – you just don’t understand.
Thanks so much. I’m aware of the book “Captivating”. I’m very curious about the other you mentioned. (is there a way BG can let me know the title without compromising my privacy, CN?)
lol a little about taping the post to the mirror… Wouldn’t work for me, as I cover the mirror when I’m in the bathroom, but I get the idea 🙂 I will be re-reading it, as well as a nice fat book that carpenter guy gave me 🙂
BG can suggest the book and site in a comment and we will look at the site. If we think it is fine, we will approve it.
This article really hit home and I just wanted to thank whomever wrote it! Also, to all the women or men who this touches, I want you to know you are not struggling alone and as a peer I am praying for the day you are able to find a way to make things work for you and the day you feel at peace. I actually asked my husband to read this and his reaction was more or less, that’s great, but when am I supposed to have time to help you (he’s in the Navy Nuclear program). So thank you for posting this and may God bless those who are slowly losing it…
OMG!!!! Your story totally is my story and has been for many years now. WOW!! I have cried my heart out besides my husband while he slept next to me, I have cried out my heart to him personally, went in the front room and weeped to God about it, talked to other women about it, you name it I did it. I have a high sex drive and my husband just does desire sex like i do. It is stress i know and not feeling like he can satisfy me. Lord this situation is a HUGE Problem for us. For the past year now my husband has traveld with his job on a monthly basis and we just about have sex once a month if that!! I think that is a problem especially since he spends more time lying next to me than he does traveling. He he only is gone for a total of 6 days out the month if he travels twice that month so i dont think there is any excuse not to desire me as his wife. I am tired of this problem and am trying not to become bitter towards him but the Lord knows and i pray this problem comes to a end soon cause it is getting old and i am tried of putting up a front in front of others who assume my husband spends time with me and we embrace each other after his trips cause it is not happening. After he comes home from his trips we dont have sex at all maybe not until after his second trip and that could be weeks or a month. So pray for us we are soon to start a church and i want a to be free of this so that we can help other couples. Im not giving up and i am glad i found this site to vent and see i am not alone!!
remember many couples have sex once a month. you and your husband are not abnormal. you just have different sex drives.
that is important to understand, because you say, “i dont think there is any excuse not to desire me as his wife” he may very well desire you. he just does not have a huge sex drive.
my hubby has a very high sex drive, and i do not. that does not mean i do not desire him.
I’m really greatful to read this post, as well. All of it. It is interesting to read the posts of so many women who are speaking my very heart, and saying the same words I’ve spoken to my husband on several occasions. It feels really selfish to ask my husband to have sex with me when he is not in the mood, because it is so much more work for him than it is for me. His theory is that it is a little bit of laziness on his part, but then I feel guilty for making him feel guilty, and downward we spiral. Part of me believes that I am asking too much, and at the same time, part of me isn’t sure, and so I feel like a martyr. I think that there is a part of me that loves the drama of it. A very small, subconcious part. My husband almost never rejects me, but the times I feel that I am being rejected are the most devastating moments of my life. I think that it is probably because I put so much responsibility on my husband’s shoulders to make me feel good, loved, and worthwhile. Intellectually, I realize that this is God’s place in my life, and that I will always be disappointed when I am counting on someone else to do God’s perfect job. My husband loves me very much, and I always know that, which is really helpful. I think that wow!godisgreat! really hit the nail on the head. Thank you, everyone for all your input, you have helped me to feel more normal, and to take an honest look at what is going on. I don’t think that I’m never going to have to deal with any of the emotions again, or anything, but I have realized that I am focusing on the wrong things, focusing on myself and my desires rather than focusing on either God’s kingdom and His righteousness OR on my husband and what I should be giving to him, not what I can get from him.
Anyway, Thanks!
It may be helpful for the husband and wife to adopt a “never deny you” policy about sex.
If sex drives are different at the start of your marriage your drives should begin to sync up naturally if you don’t deny one another. Just as your appetite for food would sync up if you are always sharing meals. If your lunch time is noon, then after a while your body starts to get hungry at noon wether you are ready to eat or not. Sex is an appetite that can be developed just like cravings for a cigarette get greater with use.
But that’s just the physical part of it. Emotional issues can be harder to overcome, but never denying your spouse is a good thing in any case.
My lovely wife and I had very different appetites at the beggining of out marriage but now we are pretty much in sync except for where exhaustion or babies comes in to play.
This is an issue I have been dealing with lately. It is interesting how the sides seem to be flipped. We are married for 20 years and for almost all of that 20, I was not that interested in sex. I would very rarely turn my DH down whenever he pursued sex, which was usually every 2 weeks .(give or take a few days) Sometimes I would feel guilty and then I would request sex, but it was almost always fast due to my request to make it fast. I just wanted it to be done. He always enjoyed himself and I would too, once I got into it. Every now and then he would encourage me to get into it and not make it a fast act and he was always right , I would get into it! But now, the tide has changed. For the past year I am the one with need for sex, every day would be heaven for me! We’ve been having sex about every 3 days for the past year . He has just told me that he is losing interest in frequent sex at this point in his life. He said once or twice a week maybe and if were to want / need more he’d happily do whatever I need to help me. This makes me so sad. I feel like I wasted all those years telling him to make it fast when all I want now is for it to go so very slow! We are both in our low 40’s. I am aware that his job is extremely stressful as is my health situation and that stress will effect sex drive.
I guess what I am wondering, is it wrong to have intercourse once or twice a week and then the other nights when my desire is high my DH will keep the focus on me and not orgasm himself? Until this past year, our sex life was always intercourse with him reaching orgasm and me sometimes. Now, it is ALWAYS me and almost always him ( a few times he couldn’t – and teased me about wearing him out) .
I am wrong to be embarrassed and upset about this?
I have found your site and read it faithfully, looking for any ideas I can. I don’t want our sex life to be him “servicing” me . I have been talking about trying new things to spark sex up. I do have a disabililty that hinders flexibility . We have tried a few new positions, unsuccessfully. I am tired of the same old one position.. I know there are dozens more to try and I plan to pursue them. He says he is fine with what we are doing.. I am not!. I feel like I NEED to step this area in our lives up a notch or 10. We have entered somewhat hesitantly, the world of sex toys and ordered 2 vibrators and have tried one a few times( with good success so far)
I am anxious to try to increase his desire in any way I can!
Thank you for all the advice and articles. It was due to this site I got the courage to order sex toys!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your marriage should be a blessing to both of you, but that doesn’t mean that you or he is going to orgasm every time you have sex. As long as your focus during sex is on growing in intimacy, whether or not he orgasms is less significant, especially if He isn’t bothered by it.
I am so sitting here in tears right now. This is so my life!! I have been married for 10 years and before we got married, we could have sex daily, sometimes more than once a day, about a week after marriage he started turning me down. Now ten years and five kids later, he is still turning me down. I get told that I married an “old man”. When I make advances, I get “will you be mad if I’m too tired”. At this point I want to scream “YES”, but the good wife in me doesn’t want to make him feel bad. But why do I have to be the one to feel bad? I am soooo tired of feeling like I should be ashamed of wanting my husband. I want him to want me. I walked into our room the other night and started changing in front of hinm and he couldn’t take his eyes off….the t.v. (a children’s movie no less). I felt and still feel like such a fool! Am I so unattractive to him now? he says no, but his attitute/actions say yes in a big way. I am so angry right now and talking to him about it doesnt’ work. He still says he is an old man, and then tells me how bad he feels because he can’t “give it to me enough”. What can I say to that…
when we do manage to have sex lately, it seems like he is only interested in taking care of himself. I don’t hardly ever “finish” and he doesn’t even apologise anymore. He is getting more and more selfish about it as time goes on. I don’t feel like he even takes time anymore to romance me. He doesnt do “foreplay” anymore and what he does do is rushed. I feel like a warm body, not his loved/cherished/adored wife! I feel like I should request $50.00 (not that I”m not worth more, but given the time it takes, fiftly is makeing out like a bandit) I am sooo frustrated I could scream.
Please pray for me, I fear for my marriage!
I’ll be praying for you. I, too have had seasons in our marriage when this has been similar to my experience. I want to encourage you to seek the Lord–more than ever before. You are in a covenant with this man, and while you can’t control him, you are responsible for your actions, reactions, and thoughts.
At some point, you will probably need to talk to your husband about this situation (AGAIN?!!) I pray that you will be a wife that speaks in wisdom. Serve your husband as serving Christ. Let the Lord work in your husband’s life.
I wish I could give you a perfect “formula”–“Let’s set a time/date for our next nice, long, encounter when you won’t be too tired, etc…” but there is NO certain formula, and you can’t just manipulate your husband into being sweet, loving, and absolutely hungry for giving pleasure to you.
My heart goes out to you…I wish that I could hug your neck. I have lived with the pain that you describe but my situation was different. My ex was living a sinful, secret life outside of our marriage. He was extremely selfish. My second husband is totally different from the first. My husband seeks to please me…I never experienced this before. I also talk about what I like, what I want and don’t like. I found my voice, but my current husband encouraged me to. He tells me what he likes also.
Talk to your husband….again. This time express that you have needs that only he can meet. Whether or not he can succeed in getting an erection (or whatever he says he’s too old to do) he can still pleasure you. He can be involved in some way to bring you to climax whether through oral sex, toys, massaging your G-Spot (I didn’t even know what that was until this marriage). After all, how can he have aged that much between the time before you guys got married and two weeks into the marriage…you said he started turning you down just a few weeks after being married??? It sounds like he is making excuses. Or….there might be a physical problem that needs to be addressed by a physician.
I guess the point that I am trying to make is to get down to the “nitty gritty” of this. Be honest about how you feel in a loving way. Offer options or alternatives that you are willing to try to become more intimate with your husband. If he can’t REALLY talk with you about it then maybe the two of you should consider marriage counseling. The suggestion alone may get him to talking. Men don’t generally want anyone to know about their problems…even a counselor. Just don’t get stuck in a rut or continue to go on feeling unattractive, unloved, etc. Take it from someone who has been there.
Take control of your sexuality…and his. Maybe he wants you to be the more aggressive partner for a while? There’s a lot of really good advice and fun things to try suggested here at christian nymphos. Don’t give up…you, your husband and your family are worth it!
God’s Blessings as you journey forward
i agree, express that you need him even if he is not that sexual that day.
i would not know how to express this in a way that would not offend a husband, but strictly speaking, i do not need a man to have an erection to have an orgasm …
foreplay foreplay foreplay
then
more foreplay
followed by foreplay
the other stuff is optional for me
Amen sister! There are lots of ways to climax…if our minds are open to it.
this is a hard situation.. something happened again today ( the 4th time since I have been having my increased need for sexual intimacy). We were able to have sex but he just couldn’t orgasm. He says it is just him getting older and since we have been intimate much much more than usual the last 6 months, that he just has an empty fuel tank so to speak. I understand this does occur as a male ages sometimes ( he is 43) BUT, i do also think that being in a rut, which i think we are, is not helping. .we NEED to change things.. and i for one and not going to take this w/out trying! the previous answer of foreplay, foreplay is next on my list.. we do have foreplay but it is always the same and he enjoys pleasuring me. He is not one for oral sex but I am going to encourage this area.. at least me giving him pleasure there and maybe it will lead to him giving me pleasure there (although he has never done that in 20 years plus) he in not one to voice his wants although i have been BEGGING him to tell me what he wants. I think i will just have to keep after him. I am starting to tell him what i want , although i think it shocks him a little. 🙂
I find it very upsetting and i cannot help but go to that spot that thinks he is not having an orgasm because he is not turned on enough by me. I know that is not the case,and he says it is not. I have told him what i need for him now at this point in my life is more affection.. more touching ( not just sexual) and I think if he would only start to do that he would be having a different orgasm ending. I know it seems like i am overreacting (only 4 times) but it is very easy to blame yourself. ( by the way this was wake-up sex that HE initiated.)
I found it somewhat amusing at first that God gives men their sex peaks in their early 20’s and women in their early 40s’. Now, i do not find it so funny. I find it sad. I am hoping that a bit more intimacy in areas out of the bedroom and more foreplay and a change of ROUTINE in the bedroom will help!
thank you so much for your advice! I have gotten several good ideas and it is very helpful knowing others are experiencing the same thing!
“I find it very upsetting and i cannot help but go to that spot that thinks he is not having an orgasm because he is not turned on enough by me.”
ok, come back off the ledge … it is probably physical not mental. how do i know? because it sounds like he had an erection but just could not orgasm. think about it … how many times have you not had an orgasm when you wanted to? in fact … the fact that he had an erection is a very good sign. all that viagra stuff is for men who cannot get erections.
now, first always do the “foreplay foreplay foreplay” thing … that is just basic knowledge passed down through the ages from one woman to another 🙂
on him being empty … he could kinda be. not to be gross or anything but many men, shall we say … “fly solo”. i study educational psychology and a lot of teenage boys “fly solo” multiple times a day (seriously, i am not exaggerating). when men get older they may still “fly solo” but not have the capacity to have sex that they did when they were 15.
i hate to be so explicit, but he could simply be “empty”.
first, try giving him lots of warning “honey, i would really like to be with you tomorrow night”, just so he does not schedule a “solo flight” for the same day you want to “fly the friendly skies.”
second, make sure he takes a multi-vitamin, zinc, ginsing and l-arginine … because it could also be nutritional — and those are common deficiencies that cause dysfunction.
third, get him a checkup. if he is older it could be his prostate or something medical. it is unlikely but it could be, and a checkup is always good anyway.
FINALLY, AND THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART, don’t make him feel bad about not orgasming — that will be a big mistake, because he is probably embarrassed. instead stroke his ego because you WANT him to be with you even if he does not orgasm. whisper something like, “honey next time could you do that xyz foreplay thing again? that was really … um … incredible.”
sorry to go so long … i ramble a lot, but i do study psychology and you want to praise his foreplay not punish his lack of orgasm. he probably cannot control his orgasm, but he can extend his foreplay.
first off.. THANK YOU! you gave me alot of good, really good advice! i will use it!
i know , i know .. i sound pathetic. i have been working on overcoming self esteem issues ( weight, disabililty, etc) and doing a good job of it and of living healthier by diet and exersize BUT there are still times when i automatically revert back to the “it must be me” mantra….
i don’t think he feels bad about it.. he teases me saying i wear him out…I am going to make sure though i do NOT ever do that !
He is only 43 and in good health but you never know. there may be health concerns but more than likely it is like you said. .just aging. Truthfully,, i never knew that about men “being empty”.. i always associated sex w/ ejaculating. (for the man) gosh, what pressure i put on him! (and a double standard) how many times – in my past when i didn’t care for sex all that much _ did i not orgasm?? thank you for reminding me of that.. and enlightening me.
i appreciate the advice here more than you know!
you do not sound pathetic … you sound like me!!! and every other woman i know.
i actually do not understand male biology that much, but i know a man CAN definitely be excited enough to get and erection and not orgasm
i read somewhere that some men with damaged genitals simply cannot ejaculate and can “pleasure” their wives for hours
also, some very healthy men … like sailors … will come back to their wives after six months at sea and have sex until they are “empty” but still very erect … and … have to go to the hospital to get local anesthesia to go flaccid again … you also hear that warning in viagra commercials … “if you experience an erection for four hours you may require medical attention”
if i experience my husband’s erection for four hours i know i will definitely be seeking medical attention!!! 🙂
soooooo … don’t worry … you are exciting him even when he is empty! take it as a complement!
but do schedule him for a checkup
43 is about the age a man is supposed to go for his first prostate examination
i know this because i am trying to get my hubby to go, but apparently the exam involves a rectal exam of some kind? so he won’t go … yet.
Just curious…have you tried prostate massage? The male “P-spot”? Even indirect…you don’t have to go inside the rectum; just massage the area between his rectum and his testicles with some warmed lube while he lays on his back, on the bed, spread eagle…you sitting cross-legged in front of him. Using four fingers or even the front of your fist (not too hard at first…let him guide you) massage this area or perineum. My husband and I are 50 yrs. old; He loves this…it gets him so excited that he can’t lay there long before he starts wanting to do things for me. I love it though when he stays there and lets me bring him to orgasm…something that I can do just for him. This kind of stimulation does allow for a massive orgasm with or without an ejaculation. My husband loves it…drives him crazy! If this doesn’t take your hubby over the edge, I would make a doctor’s appointment…this is pretty basic biology.
Best to you both!
Although there are some men who don’t respond to it, this is a REALLY good technique that makes most men extremely excited. Do give it a try.
Thank you all so much. We actually had a wonderful weekend. I made my needs known to him and then we talked about it all weekend long and actually made love three times!! He was more attentive to what I needed, it was like being with him for the first time again.
I’ve been trying to find help with my situation and as I’ve read thru this thread I can completely relate! My problem is that as I go thru it’s like a checklist – I think – “yep, I’ve tried that – yep, tried this… ” check check check. Bottom line is that I’ve talked to my husband. I’ve tried to approach it every which way over the last few years. (never in a naggy way) My husband has an extremely low sex drive. (he can go weeks when I would be fine dealing with 2-3 times a week) Even though he was in a quad accident that could’ve very easily caused a physical reason for his low level, he refuses to discuss it with his doctor. He will appease me when I talk to him about it and might change for all of 24 hours but then it’s back to life as usual. I have tried to approach it in all different ways. I’ve asked him question – nicely… (even tried a game once or twice)… to get him to tell me what he likes. I’ve asked him what his “hot” buttons are – his only response is “I don’t know” and that’s it. No further discussion. He just fades off. I’m a giver too – this isn’t just about me wanting attention – I want to give him attention. He’s literally fallen sleep on me before and he wasn’t particularly tired. He’s not interested in any kind of fun stuff or playful stuff. It’s the same every time – when I lit candles he was concerned I was trying to burn the house down… candlelight dinner resulted in him complaining that he coudln’t see his meal. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life. I always looked forward to being married so that I was free to express myself and experience all the wonderful things God designed for a marriage. My husband is a relatively new Christian but seems to be in a slump there also. Help! I feel like I’m losing my mind. Could Satan be using this to try to tempt me? Am I truly as undesirable as I’m starting to feel? I’m 43 and my husband is just turning 40 so it isn’t like we’re super old or anything. I still feel spunky and am getting in much better shape and feeling good otherwise. He doesn’t tell me I’m beautful or anything on his own but I compliment him all the time and try to be playful. (One downfall is that he’s told me that he’d prefer smaller breasts – I’m a DDD… 😦 I feel as though I’m rambling and it’s because I’m just so lost as far as what I can do. No matter if I give it my 100% it will always only amount to 50% of the whole. He just doesn’t seem to care. Any thoughts?
My husband and I have a wonderful sex life. We have 3 small children and he works away most of the time. Yet he never turns me down with my higher sex drive! I have started communicating what I want and the only one he seems to have trouble with is “initiating”. I feel I am the one who always starts sex, does the romance, decides the position, buys all the kinky stuff! How can I get him to enjoy “thinking sex” and tell me what he wants? He is the man I have dreamed of and I try not to make this a big issue cause he’s really good at taking care of my needs. I just want him to show me his desires!
I always felt like this. We had a “normal” sex-life where I often did it as a job… lying there thinking what colour would look good on the walls when we paint again, or planning the weeks meals.
But once I surprised him with 40 days of non-stop sex that changed our whole situation. THEN I had the revelation: We, as females, were created as our husband’s HELPERS. I also longed for romantic notes & that HE lights some candles… but then I started seeing it as my “ministry” – setting the MOOD in our home.
And I started seriously praying. Reminding the Lord how King Soloman prepared the wedding chamber… and I started “proclaiming” That MY hubby will start to return the efforts I’ve put in. THere were days when he did a bit, but mostly it was still me. Recently I went away for a week & we had the best ROMANCE-bloom yet. I sent him pics of me via text and really HOT text msg’s. Which somehow ‘turned him on’… I kind of ‘hinted’ that when I come back – I will wear whatever HE chose for me and said that if he wants to buy something new – I wear a size Medium – hint-hint… and I will pay him back “in kind” 🙂 And then I told him he can leave it under my pillow and I will wear that – and ONLY that when he gets home…. Well – he went and bought the nicest panties for me….
So after 12 years of doing ALL the romance, he is suddenly very romantic. Lighting candles, running be a nice warm bath, etc etc etc.
I started giving him lots of OS – which he never wanted me to do – but I caught him middel-of-the-night the first time and he LOVED it.
Pray… pray…. pray and WAIT…. also ALWAYS speak positive about your hubby (not that you are not) – I just often cringe when I hear women complaining and down-mouthing their husbands. I BELIEVE in the Power of Words (like in James 3…. life & death is in the power of the tongue… so choose life). And that is a small testimony of our marriage that paid off.
I also battle a lot with rejection-issues (not marital related) – but with family, etc. And I LOVE the acceptance that UNITY in ML with my husband does for me. So I often initiate sex – but the good thing is – if I inititate it – I AM READY…. when he comes to me and I am not THINKING sex – I often used to battle through it…. But by having sex EVERY DAY… both YOU and HIM are ready for it EVERY day.
Make him a SEX-voucher: Say ” 30-FUN-evenings” WITH YOUR WIFE. VALID FOR ONE MONTH ONLY! And although he mnight be tired…. catch him in the shower with quickies or set your alarm for middle-of-the-night-sex.
And Pray and SPEAK LIFE about the situation.
Good luck…
I too understand your frustrations. I am married to an older man (48) with an extremely low sex drive. He puts up with a lot from my asking and getting my feelings hurt because I don’t think he is that turned on by me. The worst part is it all works he just doesn’t want to. It really makes me sad because I feel like I am not what he needs me to be in order for him to be turned on. He says it is not my weight, it is him. He will when he feels like it. He sometimes initiates and sometimes I initiate. I hold back a lot because I hate the feeling of rejection worse than anything. I cry myself to sleep a lot. When we make love it is like nothing else in this world which makes me want it more. And the frequency is not bad -3-4 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I have been guilty of putting him down to my friends, not intentionally though just in conversation. He has over heard sometimes and that hurt him. That is the last thing I wanted to do. He has been such a player all his life and has had countless women but like one lady said, He hit his prime in his 20-30 and I am hitting mine. I guess that is why we have to rely on God. The situation is heart wrenching at times because I want him so much and he is not even the slightest bit interested. I let it all out to him one time on a road trip. He said he would try harder and he is sorry he pushes me to the back burner sometimes. I told him I want to have the life he has had on the road but with each other. He will tell me when there is something I want to do that he has done that already. I yelled and said WELL, I WANT TO BE A BAR WHORE TOO SOMETIMES! Ya know? I guess this is one of the parts of life that you just say to God WHY? Here I have this great love and I can’t even get to show him all that I want to. We use toys and foreplay (in which he is the king) but it is when he wants to. I want him to play with me even if he is not in the mood for himself. He has told me in the past that his last wife really did a number on his ego. I told him at this point that it is a cop out. He has gotten on vitamin b and testosterone shots once a week which helped and now we are laid off so we don’t get those any more. I like what lng said about making it her ministry. I will try that and shift a positive light on the situation – God is God and can do anything . . . even create a desire in a husband for his wife.
Love to you all!!!!
Hello ladies. Wow, what a great site this is!
I am a Christian married woman, married now for 16 years to a great guy. I am 43 and he is 52. Can you guess where I am going with this last bit of info and on this thread?
Since the beginning of our relationship, I have had a higher sex drive. Over the years, it has been very difficult for me to deal with. I love my husband and I so enjoy him sexually.
There have been times when we had sex just once a month, and I felt a gamut of emotions ranging from anger, resentment, frustration, depression, etc. I mostly kept it all in, and tried to make it seem like everything was fine. I didn’t want to be demanding sex. The frequency would improve slightly and I would be ok for a while. It has been a cycle like this for several years now.
I have talked to my husband about me wanting him all the time and how I enjoy our lovemaking. I love pleasing him. It comes down to him being tired, busy, stressed, sick, etc. Even when I am sick with the flu I still want sex. Stress relief for me is sex. I even want sex on my period!
And it’s not like he has to do a lot of “work” when we have sex, because I have very sensitive nipples and I can have an orgasm with him just stimulating them. It’s a gift from God, I tell ya! LOL!
I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this and the frequency gets better, and then it goes back to less frequent. I never initiate sex because I don’t want to be rejected, which has happened too many times. I am getting very resentful that we only have sex when HE wants. I went to the extreme of buying a sex toy to help relieve my frustration. I want him though, not a machine! I threw away the toy because I really resented having to use it out of need instead of something fun.
Ladies, please help with any advice you might have. I have already tried talking to him about my needs, and he knows I want sex more than he does. I am a Christian, but I am ashamed to admit that I have thought about finding someone who I could have casual sex with (and yes, I know there is no such thing, and it’s immoral, etc.). Please don’t judge me–I wouldn’t do it for several reasons.
Lacey,
I too am where you are at. We do have sex more frequently than you have described but I know all too well the feelings of resentment, shame and inadequacies. I too have been tempted to find a “friend” but like you, I don’t even want to open that can of worms.
We sought help from a physician that prescribed testosterone and vitamin B shots given once a week for 6 weeks at a time. They were a huge help but we are now unemployed and without insurance so those have stopped. My DH is very open to letting me vent my frustrations and he is excellent at easing my feelings of resentment but that does not always help his body cooperate. He functions well just not much of a drive. There is 8 years between us so I am at my prime and he, well is not. He is also a heavy smoker which takes his breath on top of the low drive. I have been scared i was going to literally kill him. I take care of myself as needed and hope for the best.
I hope this helps!
Kittie
I have talked to my husband about this and nothing has changed. So i got a toy. though it gets the “job”done it just isn’t the same. I am using it more then we we have sex. Our drives used to be compatible, but now he pretty much has none… It is really starting to hurt our marriage……
Thank you for this article this described me and my husband so much, this makes me feel so much more normal, but I am still not sure what to do to encourage him to take advantage of my needs but thanks
sistacheli
I can sure relate. My husband and I have been married almost 25 years, and we are both 49. Now I’m the one with the higher sex drive. I do feel hurt and sad on the inside about the lack of frequency, and it causes me to have doubts about my femininity. I’m not talking several times a day, just twice a week or so would be really nice. It still annoys me that things are mainly on his terms, though. We had a really nice talk about this today, and decided that we will try and have snuggle time, which can include just hugging, intercourse, or anything and everything in between! He has performance anxiety, and he said this idea really takes the perceived performance pressure off of him. I admit this problem has caused serious resentment and hurt in our marriage. I’m really hoping this new idea will take off.
Your husband needs to be willing to compromise, and not have everything on his terms. That’s not fair. Can you just have a discussion on the need for compromise, where you each give some, so that one person doesn’t do all the giving?
I feel as though we are almost the same person! I am a 46 DD but my husband likes that. My sex drive is way higher than my husbands. For almost 10 years I just “lived with it” but recently I can’t seem to. I have talked with him about it as you have and have had no improvement. I am currently feeling much worse about my situation which brought me to this site trying to find answers. I feel more extreeme than the afore mentioned people…my husband would wait 10-12 weeks inbetween “sessions” where as I feel the need daily if not more often. We are seeking counseling at this point but it does not seem to be heping in that aspect of our marriage. We are much happier in many other ways and I thank God for giving him to me but I do feel all of your frustration! . My husband does not do oral sex on me but is a very willing partisipant for me to do it to him. I am happy to preform for him because I know he enjoys it . We are also in a rute with forplay. It has been the same for 16 years, very short and machanical. I have never had the big O and am researching it along with this subject to be a happier more fulfilled wife. Any other advice people have would be greatly appreciated.
God bless.
Hi Ladies,
I have read through the comments and feel the frustration that you all have expressed. I would encourage all women to resist temptation and pray can focus on your marriage and your husband. You have to be committed to each other in good times and in bad. Good times are easy but there are some things you can do to get through the bad times.
There are things you can do to be a help mate to your husband while also helping yourself. 🙂 First, you should help him be as healthy as possible. If he is smoking or overweight that will really diminish he sex drive. The meals you fix can help that. Does he workout or like to play sports. Do whatever you can to encourage him to be physically active? You can set the example for him and or do something with him. Men love companionship and competition. If he will not compete with you how about his friend or even someone successful that he does not particularly like. When was the last time you were complimented by a man on how you looked? If it has been a while, take an honest look at yourself and ask yourself if you are doing everything you need to in order to look your best for your husband. Men are visual but also like variety. Change up your look to something that you know he likes. Stroke his ego, in front of his friends. Men love to be respected and if his beautiful wife tells his freinds how great he is that will go a long way to win his favor.
It is not easy but you are his helpmate and should continue to ask God for wisdom as to how to meet your husbands need so that he will meet your needs.
I am so happy that I found this. I have felt so miserably alone for so long now…
I met my husband in high school, I was 16 he was 17. We were just friends though we both now say that we had feelings for each other. We starting dating 4 years later, 1 month after that he proposed, 8 months later we were married.
We have been married almost 5 years now (I am 26, he is almost 28). I thought everything was fine at first. However, about 3 years ago I noticed that he didn’t seem sexually interested in me anymore. He was transferred at work so I tried to give it time. It just keeps getting worse. He was transferred again and now works a minimum 10 hour day (by choice). We don’t have sex unless I practically beg him. When he does agree to have sex I almost don’t want him to then, it feels like he is doing out of pity. He never, ever initiates anything.
I have tried talking to him about this numerous times and he always says the same thing to me… “I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you”. This kills me inside! I asked if maybe he wanted to go buy some lotions, even KY. The gets this disgusted look in his eye and says: “So, you now need props & gimmicks? You’re always enough for me & I don’t feel the need to add or change anything”.
I am left home by myself struggling to figure out what is wrong with me. Am I asking for something unreasonable (I would like sex at least once a week)? Do I want too much? I don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel like he turns everything back on me. If this is how it is after 5 years, what about it like another 20? I don’t know if I can bare this sadness alone for that long… I do love him very much and I know he loves me, I just don’t think he desires me anymore.
Oh girl I’m so sorry you are going thru this yuk! First off you are not alone God is with you I know that is hard to feel when you are by yourself and need companionship! My first thought for you would be to really spend some time with the Lord express your frustrations and ask him to reveal what he wants you to do maybe he just wants you to be still and let him work or maybe he will give you some guidance on what to do if need be. Second there is nothing wrong with you I think it’s awesome you want to be with your husband! Try not to take it personally I put my husband off for a long time never in the mood! I so regret that now and I’m not sure what at the time he could of done to make it better but God can change circumstances we just have to ask and sometimes wait. Maybe you could find an area to put your time into just to help with the long work hours he has there are always lots of places God can use us! Not sure if I was any help but I just wanted you to know you are not alone girl I’ll be praying for you!!!
Same boat here. Been married 18.5 years. Sex was often until marriage. My drive was always higher. I am 41 now and finally my drive calmed down. I was so happy! Then perimenopause and migraines began. So I found a Dr who basically cured me with testosterone pellets. Called bio balance. Said my drive would increase and I did not think much of it.
Now I’m in overdrive!!!! And to make matters worse hubby started having some “trouble” getting things going in addition to a low drive.
Thank the Lord he realized this was a problem and went to my Dr Kathy Maupin. Problem solved! But his drive is still not where I am. He’s ok with twice a week and I need 1/2 times a day!
They did not want to give me my normal dose due to my high libido yet I need it for migraine control. BUT said they can give me estrogen to help decrease my drive a bit. I’m calling next week. I can’t live like this. It’s all I think about.
I’d never step out, I just want my hubby. Allllll the time. It’s not impressive or funny. It’s hard to deal with when it’s all I think about. Thank God I’m not alone. Glad I found this site.
Any ideas on how to get my mind off of this insatiable problem? Most men would love this. Mine does a lot. Just not enough!!!
I have been using some online relief along with my toy and it has helped a lot.
Actually we would like to think that most men would be happy, I’m not sure that most men over 30 really would. I wish it was once a week, more like once a month or fortnight, I hear you, pray is the key.
I am so glad to have found this blog and I am weeping with relief at the discovery that I am normal and that other people have experienced similar problems. I wondered whether I was obsessed with sex as a result of being abused as I child. I’m now approaching 50 and been married for 23 years. The first 6 months we couldn’t keep our hands off each other but since then we have only ever had sex when I’ve initiated it and he’s refused far more often than he’s responded. We’ve only made love a handful of times in the past couple of years. This leaves me burning with passion but no outlet for it and I get very tempted to look for cheap thrills on websites with explicit sexual content. Most of the time I resist the temptation but I’ve failed twice in the last two days. I’ve tried talking to him about my needs so many times. He says he loves me but that he just isn’t interested in sex any more. I love him and I try to stay positive but I feel resentful that I am being denied. I’ve tried negotiating with him and we agreed on once a month (which I thought was the bare minimum I could live with). But he hasn’t lived up to this either. I’ve tried the red satin sheets (which actually got him going the first time I put them on the bed but not since), the sexy lingerie (he actually laughed at a new nightie I bought to try to spice up our annual holiday) and all the other romantic tricks like candles and massages. Nothing works. It’s such a relief to be able to share how desperate I’m feeling.
I also have a very active sex drive. At times it gets so intense I even get a lump in my throaght (yes I know, strange).
A few month ago I’ve prommised God never to masterbate again, for some reason I thought its the right thing to do, since I got married. But my husband’s sex drive is not that hight, he has a very stressful job, but when we do it, its magic.
But the thing is, I prayed about it to God the Father and explained to Him that I need to masterbate to relief the build up feelings (it drives me crazy – it even happens when I get excited about a little thing like shopping or descovering a new scripture). And its not even that I have sexual thoughts in my head, its just the touch that relieves everything – like – going to the toilet when my bladder is full, you can’t keep it full, it hurts after a while and its unhealthy.
So I just need someone to tell me that its ok. I’ve seach the Bible cover to cover on this topic and didnt find anything. But my heart says to me its ok, as long as it doesn’t become a replacement for the real thing or involves lustfull thinking.
thanks
I have recently been dealing with the same issue. I remember continuing to masterbate for a short time after we got married, but after a while it wasn’t an issue as the sex was feeding my desires. Now, my husband is filled with constant stress, mostly work related, just like yours. His sex drive has been down and I have started to masterbate regularly again.
I know that there is always an underlining feeling of guilt, and while the bible does not directly say anything about masterbation, I do not think it is healthy in a marriage. It’s tough being a woman, because we can feed our sexual desires through masterbation and still have healthy sex with our husbands, being able to orgasm time after time, while men not so much…especially those who continue to age and lose some of their libido.
My husband went through a period of perpetual masterbation that deeply affected our sex life. I was waitressing at night and by the time I got home, he was already “taken care of” so to speak. This just killed me! After much prayer and support, we were able to get through it and he now rarely, if ever, masterbates, saving that energy for me.
Now why should I be able to masterbate because I am a woman with a high sex drive, and my husband should be made to feel guilty? I know that I don’t want him masterbating because he won’t have enough libido left for me and this would put even more strain on our marriage. So my goal lately has been to be open and honest about my needs. I have shared with him my recent habit of pleasing myself. I don’t do this to put him down, but I let him know that my flesh (sin) is leading me to do this. I let him know that I much rather share this excitment and good feeling with him rather than by myself.
God gave us women the glorious feeling of orgasm, and for us few, a high sex drive. He also gave you a husband to share it with. I wouldn’t say masterbating is unbiblical, but I believe it is more biblical to use every resource to strengthen your marriage. Try redirecting the sexual energy back to your husband. It’s hard, I know, I am dealing with the same thing. The only thing I can think of to do at this point is to openly express my needs to my husband as much as possible, and pray pray PRAY!
This post made me want to start crying. It’s crazy that I am reading these posts from women who have been married 20+ years and still trying to excite their men. I have been married 2 YEARS (we are in our mid-twenties) and already I’m having a tough time getting him in the mood. I too was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and I feel the same way you do. I need that physical touch from my husband as it is reassurance that he loves me and will protect me.
Have you read The 5 Love Languages? We did, and I really took it to heart. We discovered that my love language is “physical touch” while his is “words of affirmation.” Sometimes when I am desperately in need of sexual intimacy, I spend the day showering him with compliments and affirmation because this is how he feels most loved…every now and then it leads to sex, which is how I need to feel loved.
If you haven’t read the book, maybe you should read it together and discover what makes the other person feel most loved. The books gives plenty of suggestions and ideas of things to do for spouses with each “love language.” If your husband understood the connection between sex and how you feel loved as a wife, perhaps he would make more of an effort….and if you knew exactly how to fulfill HIS love language, perhaps even more good feelings will spark in him, making him WANT to please you more.
Wow, how our stories are so similar! I am only 24, been married for two years, and already my husband is showing less and less interest in sex. So frustrating! My husband also makes comments like “sorry I’m not good enough for you.” I hate it. I don’t mean to put him down, I just have needs. You are so much stronger than I am though. I get frustrated if we go more than 2 days without sex! It’s not just that I need sex, I need intimacy. Without any kind of physical touch for days on end, I too feel unwanted. I agree with steph that we ladies need to pray pray pray at this point.
My husband and I often have conversations about where his career path is going and how it affects our marriage. Try to encourage him during times of stress (provide dinner, massages, “cool down” time, etc.), but then let him know that at the end of the day you would like to be his priority. He does desire you. He is still a man who has physical needs (albeit maybe not as often as you’d like). Pray for him. For all you know, he may feel guilty and unworthy becasue of all the time he has spent away from you at work…continue to pray and show him grace. Don’t give up!