Interview with Ex-Swingers: Seeing God’s Redemption ~ Part Two

Yesterday we published Part One of a couple’s story in falling into the sin of swinging. Today we bring you Part Two.

CN: What finally happened that made you both turn from that way of life? Was it an event or a process?
Husband – It was an event.  The only process that was occurring at the time was the process of our continual spiraling into the gutter with our desires and swinging.  At the time of our departure from the lifestyle I was searching for my wife her first black man.
Wife – At that point we’d fallen so far away.  I was considering a mini-gangbang.  So we’re thankful we got out before falling even deeper into those things.  We’d fallen far enough as it was.
Husband – What finally turned us away.  My wife had an affair with a guy we were doing threesomes with.  Now, let me clarify.  I had encouraged my wife that if she wanted to meet a guy one on one she could but to video tape it for me.  Thing is, she did it without telling me and then kept it hidden from me for over a year.  We’d done several threesomes with this guy.  Eventually my wife had requested some things to do with him that I wouldn’t condone.  See, at this point in our swinging we were doing it with condoms and without, depending upon who it was and what we knew about them.  This guy was a condom wearer.  But my wife had dropped hints to me about doing it with him, without a condom.  Even culminating to the point of she asked in the heat of the moment for him to ejaculate in her mouth.  Which I thought defeated the whole purpose of wearing a condom so I denied the request.  I think part of this guy and my wife’s motivation to meet without me was so they didn’t have to adhere to my rules.  Which they did compromise the condom rule in their affair.  And more of the story.  This guy told me many a time before that I was the luckiest guy in the world.  And that she was the best he ever had.  That stroked my ego but was also a sign I missed seeing that he wanted her more to himself.  Which they did in having their affair.  It took her over a year later to finally confess her affair to me.  During that year we did continue to swing.  I didn’t know of the change in her heart but looking back I can see that during that year she wasn’t as willing as I’d seen her previously.  For that year we did fight like cats and dogs over swinging.  She was still swinging and physically enjoyed it but everything seemed like it was a big issue to get to happen.  I couldn’t figure it out at the time.  Why she was so willing before but now made excuses and wasn’t as wild for it.  We still had encounters and she did have physical pleasure.  I look back now in a gut-wrenching pitty for her.  Because her heart and soul were screaming ‘no’ but her sinful flesh and my pressure were screaming ‘yes’.
Wife – I fell to the pleasures of my own sinful flesh, to the pressure from my husband and it culminated in my falling to the lies and deceit of another man.  The other man laid on the lines about how my husband wasn’t good enough for me.  He told me how I deserved better.  He wanted to take the relationship from a threesome, more into a one-on-one thing with him.  I justified the affair with the idea I would video tape it and show my husband later even though he knew nothing about any of it at the time.  After the affair I felt so guilty.  Like for once after all these years of swinging I had truly done something wrong.  I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me.  I cried and prayed for repentance and destroyed the tape.
CN: Was it a hard lifestyle to get free from?
Husband – When my wife finally got the courage to confess of her affair I even shocked myself because I didn’t get mad.  It was like a light switch went off in my mind.  I took responsibility for leading our marriage down the wrong sinful path.  I knew instantly we would never swing again. But for some time afterwards it was difficult shaking the swinging desire.  Getting into swinging was surprisingly easy.  With a sexual and willing wife, being in swinging was easy.  But getting out nearly wrecked our marriage.
Wife – With the guilt of the affair heavy on my heart it was easy for me to get free from.  It took me a while to understand the power that porn had over my husband and the desire he carried for the lifestyle.
CN: What did it require of you?
Husband – I knew we wouldn’t swing again but the desire was so tough for me to shake.  I still wanted to swing.  I thirst for it.  Even though I didn’t want us to do it again, my flesh wanted too so badly.  The turmoil in my soul spilled over into our marriage.  I studied the Bible at first.  Looking for a loop hole saying swinging was ok.  But its not there no matter how hard I tried to find it.  But the bigger issue was the porn that fueled the fire within me.   I’d tell my wife I wasn’t looking at it anymore but I secretly was.  I was trying to hold on to the last grasp of swinging that I could.  What finally did it was I threw away all the magazines and movies of porn.  I deleted everything on the computer.  But still struggled with internet porn.  After struggles and fighting I finally gave it all up.  We had an internet connection and my wife would take the piece and hide it so I couldn’t get online.  The only time I could get online was when I asked her too.  It was this accountability that finally worked for me.  Without porn’s influence I still had all our swinging memories etched into my mind.  The memories would provoke lustful thoughts back to the lifestyle.
Wife – Even though I felt I was so firm and steadfast of never swinging again I was also tempted.  For example, one time not too long afterward retiring from the lifestyle, during our own love making sessions I had a flash back to when I was being pleased by my husband and another guy at the same time.  I didn’t want the memory to surface.  I didn’t go looking for the memory.  It just hit me in the heat of our own love making.  In those first few months after retiring from the lifestyle we saw Satan’s efforts increase.  We had chances and opportunities to swing fall in our lap like we’d never seen before.  But we both were able to say no.
CN: How long had you been swingers by this point?
Husband – In our second round we’d been swinging about 4 years.

CN: In the aftermath, was there any finger pointing or blaming each other?
Husband – Oh my, was there ever!  At first after being redeemed my wife blamed me for everything.  She didn’t take responsibility for swinging or the affair.  I resented her.  Partly for the affair but a lot of it was for leaving the lifestyle.  She had taken something so true to my heart (swinging) away.  So you see how dysfunctional we’d become immediately after trying to leave swinging.  It wasn’t until we both prayed and studied the Bible immensely that we began to realize and take responsibility for our part in the lifestyle.  We stopped pointing the finger at each other and acknowledged our own wrong doings.  This is probably the toughest thing we had to deal with.
Wife – Initially I blamed my husband.  Which caused a lot of friction in our marriage.  I had to first learn to forgive myself and then forgive my husband.  Until that happened there was turmoil in our marriage.
CN: What were the long term effects of having been swingers?
Husband – Thankfully, we did not catch an STD from the lifestyle.  We did damage a few relationships with close friends.  Those few friends that we included in our swinging are not really the close friends we thought they were.  They were using me to get in my wife’s pants.
Wife – I felt for my husband.  I saw his so called friends weren’t really his friends anymore without the swinging option.

CN: How were you able to salvage your marriage after all of that?
Husband – I’m going to be frank about this.  The things my wife and I tried to do on our own to salvage our marriage always seemed to fail.  It was only through God’s grace that saved our marriage.  See the next question.
CN: What are some specific things that you did to be able to move past that together?
Husband – After a few years with the occasional bump in the road only two things seemed to truly work for us.  For me, I had to truly throw aside the swinging desires.  No justifying.  No trying to fight the temptation.  I had to flat out flee from it.
Wife – For me it wasn’t until I acknowledged a wife’s Biblical role in marriage.  The wifely submission to her husband.  See, women just want loved and guys just want respected.  Ironic how we both had read these Bible verses many a time but it wasn’t until we took them individually and personally to heart that God’s blessings began to flow.
CN: Are there any resources for couples who are battling this?
Husband – For us the book ‘Intimacy Ignited’ helped us define what is ok and not ok in the bedroom.  There are some online forums we’ve ran across and shared in.  But none really address swinging in-depth.  Most Christian sites get too judgmental.  Others want to spend more time condemning than helping.  People just don’t understand the temptation and desire for swinging until they’ve lived it and come out of it.  So we have yet to find any good resource to help people deal with it.
Wife – It was while reading the book “Intimacy Ignited” that I got the courage to tell my husband about the one time affair.  I don’t remember the title of the chapter but it was dealing with honesty and you would not have a good marriage with out it.

CN: Describe your marriage now. What has God done in your relationship since you have come out of the swinging lifestyle?
Husband – We were swingers for 4 years and it wasn’t until being out of the lifestyle for 4 years that things finally got great in our marriage (reference question 10).  And our sex life is better than it’s ever been.  Don’t get me wrong.  Some of the physical pleasures we received during swinging were truly outstanding pleasures of the flesh.  But now that fails in comparison to the wholesome pleasures of the flesh we have in our undefiled marriage bed.  Sex without guilt and without sin is awesome!  And I will be honest.  There are some things we learned to do and enjoy only because we first tried them in swinging.  And now we still do those things.  So we don’t leave the reader wondering they are dildos, shaving and swallowing.  Things perfectly fine for a married couple to do in their undefiled marriage bed.  Looking back we’d just as soon try those on our own and not have to learn them through sinful events.
Wife – Now we are best friends.  We don’t bicker and fight like we use too and that’s over everything in life.  Actually, there is finally pure and true joy in our marriage.

CN: What would you say to couples out there who are feeling tempted to experiment with something like this?
Husband – I know the temptation is enticing.  The World will tell you its ok.  Or just try it a little.  Or soft swinging is safe enough.  From someone that’s been there and done that, Paul was so right when he wrote “FLEE” from sexual temptation.
Wife – Go with your heart.  Let no amount of pressure aid in tempting you.
CN: What advice would you give them?
Husband – If not for yourself.  If not for your marriage.  If not for your love of God.  Do not do it for the simple fact that all sin has consequences.  Do you want to risk God’s wrath?  It may not happen immediately but God will correct your sinful ways.  Do you want to risk an affair?  Do you want to risk an STD?  Do you want to risk everyone finding out?  Do you want to risk a pregnancy?  Do you want to risk a divorce?  Look at your job, your house, your spouse, your kids, your life.  Are any of those worth giving up simply to ‘get your rocks off’?  Honestly answer these questions before giving into the temptation.  I’ll say it again, I know that temptation is strong and overwhelming at times.
Wife – Remember God promised never to tempt us beyond what we can handle.

CN: How could the church be better positioned to be a place of healing for people like yourselves?
Husband – Sorry if I’m blunt but I’m going to have to be.  The church needs to quit being so hypocritical and judgmental.  People can stand before their congregation and testify “I use to be an alcoholic!”, “I’m a recovering drug addict!”, “I had an affair on my wife!”, “I spent years in prison!” and the entire congregation praises “AMEN” for their redemption.  But stand before your church and testify “We use to be swingers!” and you could hear a pin drop.  Well, other than a few whispers of “Freaks!”.
Wife – The church has got to get their head out of the sand and teach about sex.  Preachers and teachers can talk about every topic imaginable but no one adequately teaches sex in the church.  So where do people find the answers.  Pornography, coarse talking with friends, lies and deceit from other people with hidden agendas, etc.

Husband and Wife – Thank you so much for allowing us to share our testimony.  We questioned many a time why God allowed us to fall into the sin of swinging.  We’ve since realized God wants to use our failure and success as a way to witness to others who struggle with the temptation or are in the lifestyle.  If our testimony can save one person, one more marriage from the lifestyle then God’s being glorified through us.

CN: We are so thankful that you are willing to share so openly and I know that God will use your testimony to help others who are struggling with this sin. I hope to see the Church become a safehouse for all who are battling this so that people know that they do not stand alone.

If this is an area of weakness or struggle for any of our readers, please contact us and we will provide you with the email address that this couple uses to minister to people wishing to get free from the lifestyle.

  • Click here
  • March 2009
    S M T W T F S
  • Archives