What Messages Are You Hearing?

I got to thinking about all the beliefs that we can come to possess about our sexuality as we grow up. So many messages were sent to me as I grew up from both the world and the church community which had a tremendous impact on my perception of what God intended for me, and they were often reactions caused by fear or ignorance rather than reasonable explanations. Here are just a few.

Messages from the world:

  • If you like having sex, your a slut.
  • Sexy girls are bad girls.
  • If you value your sexual purity, you are naive.

Messages from the church community:

  • Your sexuality is bad until you are married.
  • Your genitals are dirty.
  • Good girls don’t.

The interesting thing is that as we embrace ourselves entirely as God created us, we are set free from so much of the baggage associated with those statements, but it doesn’t change that others still see it that way. Many people who are talking about our blog understand where we are coming from and are encouraged by the message. Others, though, seem to fall into one of two groups of people. A lot of religious folks think we are entirely too worldly and that sex should not be discussed. Then on the other hand we see many non-believers who think it is either a joke or pass us off as religious skanks. Both are victims of hearing these negative messages and walking in these lies, and I will not bow to either.

Sexual purity is an incredibly valuable quality to possess. It takes a whole lot more personal integrity and self worth to commit yourself to keeping your sexual passion and expression focused on the person you are married to than to have sex at whim with anyone you wish. This isn’t naivety, it’s wisdom. To be free in your marriage bed to enjoy it for all the purposes God intended doesn’t detract from being a woman of God, it allows you to walk more fully in that role.

One of the goals of our blog is to help set women free from the negative messages so many of us have heard. We can’t change how everyone thinks about their sexuality and their faith, and how they are connected, but we are so thankful to have this platform and to see that women are being set free from many of these lies. And that is the turning point. Once the truth is revealed, we can walk in increasing freedom. We may hit walls and need to push through, but knowing that we had been living under a lie is a huge key. After that, it becomes easier to get rid of those lies, especially if we have supportive husbands and godly girlfriends who will help walk with us in our freedom.

So don’t be afraid to challenge yourself to look at the messages that were sent to you and consider which of them are valid and which are not. For the ones that aren’t valid, pray and ask God to replace them with His truth. In every area, I pray that you would walk in all that God has for you; spiritually, emotionally and sexually.


  1. I thank God for my upbringing. I was raised in a fundamental conservative Baptist church, however sex was not dirty. We were taught that it was good and from God. I think a lot of our views also come from our home life. Again I was fortunate. I knew my parents loved each other! Although they weren,t as affectionate around us kids as they should of been, I remember, as a teenager, hearing “sex sounds” from there bedroom at night or early morning (eew, how gross, I thought), but I think it helped me understand better the role of sexual intimacy in a marriage. I know not everyone has the same story and for some it is a hard to overcome there negative influences. I think we are seeing a small step in some churches to address this and the internet sites such as this one and a few other christian ones can really help! We need to really reach our children while they are young. Any suggestions? Your articles often are written on subjects I’ve been giving much thought to lately…coincidence? Probably not, maybe God using you girls to get his message through.I would really be interested in any ideas on how to bring this subject to the church.

  2. Has your church done a study on Song of Solomon? If not, you could ask to start one. That could open the door for discussion.

  3. There are more and more resources becoming available to the church which are either focused on sexual health in Christian marriage or marriage in general which include the sexual component. I have one in mind that I hope to take part in at some level and then will do a review on it, but as peppermintgirl mentioned, there are a number of song of solomon studies that have been done.

  4. We have in the past, maybe I should bing up the subject again possibly for a women’s bible study? We did a 3 day couples study with an older couple (sort of sex evangelist) which was interesting, but a few people felt a little awkward about it. I think it’s a great idea to study in the church. It might even save a marriage or two!

  5. Yeah, I have thought about offering to do a book study with my moms group on a Christian sex book. Not sure which one I would choose though. I have also thought about doing a study with my husband and other couples in our church. We’ll see what the Lord opens up….

  6. I featured a whole post devoted to this site last week on my blog and I had more hits that day than ever. I had some good discussions about sex, Christianity and the combination of the two with some long time readers as well as some interesting feedback from new visitors. Thank you for your blog. It is making a big impact.

    To intended for pleasure:
    I just finished viewing a video series in my church called “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” this lighthearted series focuses on a lot of issues in a hillarious non threatening way. It was so much fun to meet at the church, let the kids play and laugh our butts off and learn something too. The discussion on Sex was great! He is able to say things that a pastor might not be able to get away with during a marriage series. Check it out and suggest it! It got some great discussion going.

  7. Thank you all so much for your site. I wish it had been around when I was first married. I never realized until much later how many untrue beliefs I had grown up with. My parents never even actually explained the mechanics of sex to me. I had to look in an encyclopedia and try to put it all together! How sad is that?

    I had to learn everything from my husband. I remember thinking, how do guys know some of this stuff? Anyway, I hope and pray that we can instill a good view of sexuality in our own children. I am hopeful that we can make a difference in this next generation. I hope that they won’t have to go through as many milestones as we have.

  8. Thank you, ladies of CN, for this wonderful, freeing ministry that you have here. I’ve been reading articles here in all my free time for the past 2 days — the Lord has really convicted me with how selfish I’ve been about sexual intimacy with my husband. This particular article really struck a chord with me because, unlike most conservative, Bible-Belt girls, sex wasn’t dirty or wrong. Neither was it positive & fulfilling, however. It was simply non-existent! My parents never talked about it with me (all I got was the menstruation talk from my mother as I approached puberty); my church never mentioned the word or act except for the very Biblical terms of “immorality” & “fornication” & obviously those are negative terms. In fact, I’m not sure I even heard the word before I was 20 years old. Sex in & of itself, within a marriage, was completely ignored, despite the fact that over half the families in our church had between 6 & 10 kids each. And I am the 2nd of 5 children. So obviously there was sex going on! I got my “sex education” when I was in my early teens from a medical book my mom had hidden away, & then from my husband when we first started dating (when I was 22) & he realized just how ignorant I was. I felt like asian spice, “how does he know all this stuff about the female body??” I, of course, began doing more in-depth research on the internet, but never came across this site or The Marriage Bed. I SO wish I had!! It was either very clinical, very “duty-driven” (give your husband sex because it’s your duty as a wife), or from the world’s perspective. As a result, I had a VERY skewed sense of sex once we got married. For me, I had to be overwhelmed with passion & desire, or it was simply non-existent. When my husband even just complimented me on how sexy I looked or how much he liked my breasts or rear-end, I would reject the compliment as “he’s only angling to get sex & I don’t want it” & change the subject. If I wasn’t feeling sexy or horny, I wanted absolutely no advances whatsoever. The only things that were acceptable were back rubs (that were ONLY back rubs) or playing with my hair. Thank God that He blessed me with a very patient & understanding husband, despite his VERY high sex drive! And thank God that He led me to your site so soon (we’ve been married just over 4 months), otherwise I don’t know what kind of cold marriage we would have ended up with & how much more garbage I would’ve had to deal with to be the wife I was created to be. Thank you again for your ministry to women like me & may God continue to bless it for years to come!!

  9. Amen to that sister. . . Amen.

  10. Praise God that you found this site so early in your marriage!

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