True Orgasm

 

I have a question about climaxing. Considering I was not a Christian and I watched WAY too many movies growing up that did have sex in them (nothing porno, but definitely R rated), you see a lot of “YES YES YES” and then this calming down smile.

For me, I get immense pleasure, “yes yes yes” and then…. I am not sure. It feels REALLY good, but the after effects are nothing like what I have seen (of course, what IS like anything you see on TV?). What DOES an in real life orgasm look/feel like? I have always heard if you don’t know if you had one, you haven’t had one. Well, that just isn’t true if you don’t have a godly picture of what ONE IS. Does that make sense? I could totally be having one and not know that is what it is because my mind has a different image of what a true orgasm is (based on movies).

 

This question had my mind going in circles because really, what is a “Godly picture of an orgasm”?  I think whatever you do when climaxing with your husband is considered (in my book) a ‘Godly orgasm’.  Everyone has their own thing they may do when climaxing but our bodies are experiencing the same things and I think that is how you know if you have had an orgasm.  Unlike a man it is not so obvious on the outside when we climax but a woman should be able to tell if she has by her rapid breathing, increased heart rate, maybe some flushing, muscles throughout her body become rigid, secretions outside the vagina all followed by muscle contractions within the vagina that vary in length of time.   Those muscle contractions feel incredible and they are pretty difficult to overlook or mistake for something else.  😉

 

Now, we all react differently on the outside with our facial expressions/body language.  Some of us may be extremely vocal.  The ‘When Harry Met Sally” scene where ‘Sally’ shows ‘Harry’ what she sounds like when she experiences an orgasm is an example of how loud we can get. Some are quiet as a mouse while they even hold their breath.  One woman may flare around in bed while another barely moves.  There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to have an orgasm.  I know that I, for one, may be extremely verbal and flare around one time and be quiet the next.  Is one way better than the other?  No, what I do may just depend on my mood or whether we have the potential of being heard.  I have heard some ask “Why do people say that they are coming when they are climaxing?  Isn’t that strange?”  It is not strange.  It is a way of expressing and enjoying yourself.  My husband can tell if I am climaxing without me being verbal about it but that doesn’t stop me from expressing myself.  Now that I think about it one of my favorite memories is when my child first rode his bike without his training wheels.  He was so excited to be riding without any assistance that he yelled “Mommy, I’m doing it!!!!”  Suddenly I began yelling “You’re doing it!!!” just as enthusiastically.  So why do we state the obvious?  Well, I guess we do it because it is fun.  It is a way to share joy with my loved one and isn’t that part of being ‘Godly’?

So, just as I stated at the beginning, I think that whatever you do is a ‘real orgasm’ and sometimes it will resemble what is depicted in the movies and sometimes it won’t.  Just enjoy yourself and do what comes naturally.  If your husband likes to hear sounds or see you so excited that you can’t contain yourself then let it all hang out.  Some women are not comfortable losing control but this is the one place where you can feel safe to do so.  It could make for some great memories for your husband and it may increase your arousal to.  If you would rather stay quiet and concentrate on the sensations that are going through your body then that’s great too.  It’s all good and all very real.

27 Comments

  1. I agree – “I have always heard if you don’t know if you had one, you haven’t had one” which is where I am stuck! And frustrated!!! In several of the books, it suggested that one of the best things a woman could do in preparation for her marriage was masturbate to learn what turned her on…to go through some of the frustrated learning process herself, so that she and her husband can benefit from the knowledge.
    I have tried, and nothing…and I am frustrated…physically and emotionally. I have probably been trying for a year now… though more frequently these days…I have tried manually, with a shower head and the water…I even got a vibrator (outside only…I am emotionally connected to the idea of his breaking my hymen – which is intact per gyn)… i have tried with my finger in my vagina and with out it there… I lubricate…sometimes I get this immense pressure build up (sometimes not) and then nothing…it is almost as if I am loosing the orgasm…like it is almost there… there then poof. what I do get feels good – though certainly not great or anything to write home about ( or explain to me what all the fuss is over (and I really want to know what the fuss is over) I feel no waves…no need to hollar…pant…any of the hollywood signs…or the ones above…I am out of ideas…but worried that if I am this frustrated at my lack of success, my fiance will definitely be frustrated
    The book (can’t remember which one) also said that majority of the sexual problems in a christian woman’s marriage could be solved if she had another christian woman to talk to about the problem…quite frankly – I think that is what this forum is…a way for Christian women to learn and ask questions (which I appreciate).

  2. SoontobeMrs~ kudos to you for trying to figure out how your body works. We have a articles you may want to review that talk about clitoral stimulation and the how the clitoris works. Here are the links clitoral stimulation and the clitoris.

    Try to not put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm and just enjoy the sensations. Try using a mirror so you can see what feels good. Don’t be afraid to use the different methods mentioned in the clitoral stimulation article and try masturbating throughout your cycle. Sometimes where we are in our cycle can have an affect on our Oing capabilities.

  3. SoontobeMrs~ I had similar issues when I tried masturbating for the first time. Nothing happened, or I’d feel a build up and then “just lose it” It was very frustrating, but I kept at it
    and after a long time of nothing, I was able to experience my first orgasm. It wasn’t earth shattering, by any stretch of the imagination, but it was one nonetheless. It’s a matter of teaching yourself to orgasm, it’s a foreign feeling to your body if you’ve never had one before, so sometimes it’s harder at first
    even now, a long time after I began learning about myself, I still have occasional problems orgasming. Sometimes it’s stress related, sometimes I’m just not in the mood, and also the medication I am on inhibits orgasms often
    but I’ve found if you just keep at it, it does get easier

    and it’s a very good thing you have the desire to learn how your body works, your honey will appreciate it later 🙂

  4. Thanks guys…gonna keep trying…and hoping…and praying… and thanks for the encouragement. I hope that it makes things easier later!!!!

  5. SoontobeMrs~ while I empathize with your worries (as a newly married man) and congratulate your desire to be “ready”, I feel like the discovery process that you are attempting on your own may rob your fiance of an incredible chance to develop intimacy with you after you are married. Have you considered that you are “shaping” your body and creating sensual expectations that he may not be able to emulate? Have you considered that right now, you are a “blank slate” and your first, second, third . . . sexual encounters with your fiance will impress on you the uniqueness of his sexuality, but lonely experimentation causes your body to become accustomed to the “uniqueness” of cultural expectations? Thinking long term, would it be better to ingrain sensual expectations now while alone in your room, or would it be better to wait for his body to set expectations and trust he will be both understanding and also learning about himself at the same time.

  6. Hi SoontobeMrs and John,

    Having been asexual for 23 yrs. and amazed by an awakening last year, my husband and I have been talking about everything, anew.

    Regarding self pleasuring ( I hate the word masturbation as it sounds dirty to me), I have noticed that my distance from him increases when I indulge myself even though I always tell him.

    There have been a few times when he has been a bit sad that he could not fulfil me which admittedly has caused more open communication between us. Nothing is a given when relearning about long time married sexual responses….many bad habits to correct and good ones to reinforce.

    My husband is irreplaceable to me in my sex life and even though I have used self pleasuring to literally find out what turns me on, there is NOTHING like our love making together. His passion has, and does mould me, into what we should be together and when I go apart from him in my desire, I feel so terribly empty even though I am physically satiated.

    As a young bride to be, a bit of self pleasuring, to simply find out what makes you turn on, is not a bad thing (and has been suggested on this site) but waitingfor the passion and unbelievable oneness that you will share with your husband is second to none.

    No amount of self pleasuring could ever replace the joining together in love that a, turned on to each other, husband and wife can create for each other. My very personal opinion !

  7. I agree with what John’s trying to say. I personally don’t see anything wrong with learning how your body works but I think it can go to far.I “pleasured” myself before I was married and now I have a really hard time getting my husband to do it the way my body is used to having it done.Often I am left frustrated.I am trying to reprogram myself to be able to climax to my man’s different feel.I wish that I would have not gotten involved with that.I know things would be easier for me today. That’s just my very personal opinion 🙂

  8. I love how everyone is sharing their personal thoughts and experiences to help others. 🙂

    Something to keep in mind is that many women wait until they are married to figure out how their body works. Years later they are still waiting to experience an orgasm. Then they start questioning if it’s even possible. 😦

    Once you throw another person, your spouse, into the mix things get more complicated. Solo exploration allows you to figure out what it takes to push you over the edge. You can stimulate yourself in a more timely manner and with the correct amount of pressure. After you figure it out you can show your spouse through communication, having him observe, and/or guiding his hand.

    That’s my opinion….I would rather become on expert on what makes my body react and then pass on that knowledge to my spouse.

  9. I like what smokeypuss said, “No amount of self pleasuring could ever replace the joining together in love that a, turned on to each other, husband and wife can create for each other.”

  10. There was an awesome post on this subject over at Shannon Ethridge’s site (The Sexually Confident Wife). Here is the link:

    http://www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/email/0905-Hot-Tip-17.html

  11. Thanks for cross posting Shannon’s Hot Tip Givingmore!
    ~Skyla

    Skyla Bradley
    Online Marketing Manager for Shannon Ethridge
    Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality

  12. Soontobemrs, I sort of understand where John is coming from too. I know from my own experience that waiting for my husband to teach me about pleasure has intensified all my orgasm. Once he was able to bring me to orgasm by just positioning himself ontop of me and whispering sexy things in my ear while playing with me all over. I was fully clothed at the time but wow, it was absolutely wonderful!
    I think that is because i am used to just his touch and my body is so much more responsive to his that it is to mine. I don’t think there is anything wrong with trying to explore what works but personally i waited until our wedding night for everything and i had a great, outward orgasm on our first night together so it just because you can’t orgasm now doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to when your husband touches you.
    As long as you are open with each other i think you have great nights of pleasure ahead of you, don’t worry.

  13. I applaud you for remaining a virgin until your wedding night. I would wait until you and your fiance are intimate and find out togather what pleases you. I wish I could have waited for my husband but fate dealt me a cruel hand and I went on a path bent for self-destruction. I did not know how wonderful a orgasm/climax could feel until it happens with the person God wants you with and man can they be mind blowing. Have there been times when I have climaxed-yes but it was not his fault, us women-our bodies are just fickle like that. Have fun in your new marriage and enjoy your new and wonderful sex life.

  14. I think it’s a very good question. There are so many different feelings of pleasure during sex for me that it is difficult to define what is ultimately orgasm, but it has helped me to realize that the sensation of orgasm is different for me whether the stimulation is clitoral vs. vaginal.

    Many learn to orgasm through the clitoris first, while alone. If you concentrate on stimulating (at varying speeds and pressure) the area that causes muscle jerks in your inner thighs, eventually you will begin to feel tiny rushes through your body, like a chill/shiver. Vibrators, shower-heads, etc can be intense at first, so I suggest using lubrication and your own hand/finger. Keep it slow, steady, and be patient. Once the tiny chills start, increase the intensity, and eventually you should feel a head-to-toe ‘rush’ that feels like a shiver/chill that covers your entire body (this is what most movies depict as “yes, yes, yes”) that usually lasts about 5 seconds – a clitoral orgasm – after which you feel relaxed or a sense of release.

    Vaginal orgasm occurs through different nerves, so the sensation isn’t usually quite the same. It involves the stimulation of your pelvic floor muscles, and the clues that you’re experiencing an orgasm during vaginal penetration are mostly 1) uncontrollable pelvic thrusting, and 2) uncontrollable tightening of your vaginal area, as when you’re trying to hold urine. Your husband may even comment that you suddenly became very tight.

    With either clitoral or vaginal stimulation, you may feel a slight sense of warmth or tingling in your vaginal area that is really hard to describe, but is followed by vaginal discharge. This is the ‘true’ orgasm, the spasm of your vaginal wall, and I feel it mostly when I’m pleasuring myself very slowly. It may or may not parallel any of the above.

    Anyway, these are the three types of ‘orgasms’ that I experience and define as the point of maximal intensity when we have sex. And when he combines them, well, let’s just say I’m a woman blessed by God 😉

  15. One thing no one touched on is what happens in the cervix during an orgasm. Pregnant women – it is ok! Some women will go through mild cervical contractions (nothing like labor, just very mild and gentle) for an orgasm, and then, for women like me who have had to have a hysterectomy, they always feel like they lose it until they re-program themselves. My husband and I spent 2 years learning how to enjoy sex again after that. We still just do not always “get there” but we have learned to let the other know, and we try hard not to feel disappointed. If you learn what your orgasm is like, and sometimes it takes a lot of self-pleasuring and a lot of playing before you know if you have one, then you can pay attention to where you feel it. If you tense up, then make yourself tense up if you feel yourself getting there. The biggest thing is: do not try too hard! This IS supposed to be fun!

  16. I can relate to smokeypuss also. after me and my husband talked about self pleasuring, he told me he only wanted me to do it if I told him about it. and I have a few times, but its still not near as good as an orgasm with him. nothing can compare to that connection between a husband and wife, and working toward something, and finally “getting there” because of something he did, or you did together. it builds him up, and in turn builds me up 🙂 so we have decided to allow masturbation only as a means to use as a tool for each others pleasure, to add a little spice and variety. I have found that solo isn’t really that fun for me, unless my husband is either watching or “sexting” lol. but its never just a “solo act :)” I def believe in working on it solo if it helps you learn your own body, and if you can do it without a vibe then thats even better, because it will help you learn to do things that your husband can do to you, his touch is alot different then a vibe, so if you get used to doing it with a vibe it might make it harder to orgasm with just your DH. but it depends on the person. whatever works, and can get you there, because over time you will learn different ways to get to the point lol… God is amazing because he created our bodies the way he did.
    personal personal-ness 😛

  17. To follow up on my post last year.
    This subject has been the most amazingly enlightening part of my sexual renewal.

    There have been times when ‘telling’ my husband has been easy. It can be a turn on for me to know he is psuedo privvy to my inner life, apart from him.
    At other times, it takes everything in me to humble myself and let him know my darker sexual energies. I write darker since I am really wild in my passion and am slowly learning how to let him into my deep heart! His support is my staying power during rough times and smooth.

    My husband travels often on business. I will not allow myself to backslide sexually. I am totally conviced about keeping my sexuality alive whilst he is gone from me.
    Having said that, the gut-wrenching tears I have shed after climaxing, during great times of loneliness away from my husband, have caused me to reach out to my God more deeply than ever. It seems as though my heart has softened towards my Heavenly Father because I am willing myself to be more of the woman He adores.

    Masturbation is fraught with tension, both good and bad and it takes a sincere Christ-dedicated follower to continue in this self journey, in a healthy way. The tendency towards feeling self righteous and self sufficient, apart from what my darling husband can achieve for me, is a very real threat to my continued closeness with him.

    Complete and unbridled humility should be uppermost in our minds during self pleasuring. As in all things, I am not there yet but I see a tiny bit clearer today than I did last year. I think I am maturing at a rate that I can sustain in my journey towards a fulfilled woman in Christ..

  18. i appreciate you posting that mrsSmith. kinda relieved me. i’ve been told experimenting/exploring myself is supposed to be good, but it’s too stressfull and awkward, and honestly i dont want to bother. i’d like to bet that my body would be more responsive to my fh’s…

  19. You’ll figure it out!

    I masturbated a lot before I got married and never had a climax until after we got married. I had the same frustration, too, of not knowing what it was “supposed” to feel like. Once I figured it out, I realized that I had already had a few and just didn’t recognize them! Now I know: my head gets light, my skin gets hot, and I start breathing heavy, then it’s like a dizzy, giddy, relaxed feeing afterwards. So when it happens I know. But it took me a couple of years to figure that out! Sometimes it is like movie sex, other times it’s more inward and less of a display; either way it feels great 🙂

    And to tell the truth, I still have a hard time quite pushing myself over the edge when I’m self-pleasuring. It’s a pleasant build-up, but then it fizzes out… my only real Os have been from my husband 🙂 So if you don’t get there yet, don’t sweat it… if you’re enjoying yourself, keep experimenting and finding out what feels good whether you O or not. If you’re not enjoying it, don’t pressure yourself. It will be so much better with a real man!

  20. I felt like I didn’t know if I had an orgasm alot actually for almost the first month of having sex with my husband. I had never experienced it so I didn’t know, but one day before we moved into our new apartment we were forced to stay at his parents house, we had been sick earlier in the week and had taken a break from sex and then were very horny especially that day. That was definately the first time I had ever felt orgasm, but it wasn’t amazing. The next time came a few weeks later when my husband and I tried a new position, “the scissors” as it’s called on here, he definately made me feel amazing and the orgasm felt soooo good that I had to stop and I started crying because I had never felt soooo good having sex. My husband hurridly asked me if I was in pain but I was crying and laughing and had to tell him how good I felt, it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. So I would say if you don’t think that you have reached orgasm don’t be afraid to play around and experiment with your husband especially with positions where you both can see each other, they can be much more exciting and satisfying.

  21. I am having trouble having an orgasm. My husband is willing and able to try whatever. Have had orgasms in the past but am now struggling. I am praying, thinking positively, and trying to communicate more with my husband. I am not very comfortable showing him what to do. Not sure how to get past that. Whenever I do even the smallest thing to show him, it’s like I shut down, all the arousal up to that point is gone. Any suggestions?

  22. So, I need some clarification on orgasms. When I’ve asked people or read articles, they describe orgasms as very very strong sensations, that feel super super amazing. But I also read articles in which women describe their orgasms as feeling weak. These two ideas seem to be opposite of each other. I thought it wasn’t an orgasm unless it was an incredibly sensation. I’m often hesitant to say I’ve orgasmed if the sensation isn’t super strong because I don’t want to lie. Plus, we’re newlyweds and still learning about orgasms in general. If anyone can give me some clarification, I’d really appreciate it.

  23. orgasms can be “weak” or “strong” it generally depends how aroused you are. this is true for men and women. dont be afraid to call whatever sensations that you feel an orgasm! 😛 it’s easy to accidentally set too high of a standard for yourself and expectations on what you should feel to classify it as an orgasm. i’ve been married a year, it took me three months to even orgasm at all, and since then there’s deffinatly different “levels” that still are orgasms even though they’re not “incredible sensations.” ….go with the flow; enjoy whatever you share with your husband and you wont need to worry bout if you had a true orgasm or not 🙂

  24. is there a difference between cliometric orgasm or vaginal one?
    And if yes what is it?

  25. For me there is, Clitoral Os are like waves and tend to last longer. They make me moan. Vaginal are like an explosion, they make me scream. The feeling is different too. the vaginal explosion is a head to toe response whereas the clitoral are more focused from the waist down. The clitoral ones are also easier for me to get.

    I don’t know if that makes sense, and remember that no one else’s experience will be the same as yours.

  26. Orgasms are so variable. For years I thought the only type of orgasm was a clitoral one because that’s all I really knew how to achieve.

    A few years ago I had been actually having trouble achieving orgasm at all, and it was getting harder and harder to have one. I decided to give up on trying to achieve an orgasm and just try to enjoy the sex, which at the time I didn’t really enjoy much at all.

    A few different things happened that really influenced me, and only then did I began to have not only vaginal orgasms, but multiple orgasms that blew me away! I’ll never ceased to be amazed at how much I didn’t know about sex – mostly that it’s as much about your mind as your body, and how great sex really can be!

  27. I have different responses too. Sometimes if it is too intense I am quiet but gripping my husbands shoulders for dear life. When I reach orgasm while he’s giving me oral, I can get pretty verbal. Both are just as effective in letting him know how amazing he is.

    If you cant reach orgasm with him, try it first alone. Once you figure out what you like, then bringing him in to show him how will make it easier.


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