Making Time for Sex

Do you ever feel like your husband approaches you at some very inopportune times or frustrated because days turn into weeks without getting a physical connection with your husband?  If so then it may be time for you to start scheduling times on a calendar for sex.  Many women do not like the idea because they feel that scheduling takes away some of the spontaneity.  I suppose it does to an extent but some aspects can be kept a mystery.  You don’t need to discuss exactly where it will happen or what sex act will take place.  I would much rather lose some spontaneity rather than dealing with the feeling of rejection.  I know that in the past I have dropped hints (that I thought were blatantly obvious) only to find that my husband was clueless to my advances.  This was our beginning stages of me realizing that he truly is not a mind reader.  At the time I was feeling very frustrated and thought he was avoiding me and these feeling could have been avoided with better communication or simple scheduling.  Another scenario where scheduling can help is if your husband approaches you at inopportune times such as when your friend is walking up to your front door so that you can watch her child for her.  Putting things on a schedule assures that we are hearing each other and it is important enough to not let it just fall through the cracks.  It is easy to say no, go about our business and not see how this may be affecting our spouse.  Communication is so very important.  If you have a spouse who wants to be there for you sexually but is having difficulties finding the time, don’t be shy to pull out a calendar or simply make a ‘date’ for later in the day.  Once it is on that calendar it is a visual reminder for both of you and it gives you something to look forward too as well!!  It can be exciting not knowing exactly what will happen on that special, marked day.

Attitude Is Everything

I want to love my husband well. I think that how I respond to and treat my husband most accutely shows the areas where I need to improve my character. I found myself challenged this week in my attitude towards him. I want to love him generously and without reservation, but it isn’t something that I find myself living out 100% off the time. It’s a real challenge sometimes.

How easy it can be when our husbands initiate sexually to only give our bodies and think that is enough. It is very difficult sometimes to step beyond that and give our souls, especially if we feel empty and haven’t had our own hearts cared for. I would far rather give myself fully to my husband, but sometimes I really struggle with my attitude about that. I’d still rather connect with him at least physically than not at all, but I don’t want to have a relationship that is void of the soul connection, especially if I can change something to make it better.

So I want to have a discussion on what lessons you have learned in how to control your attitude when it is negative. What works for you when you find yourself closing off to others? How do you shift from spiraling further downward towards discouragement or even bitterness to spiraling upwards?

I’ll share a couple of things, but would love to have input from others.

One thing I have noticed is that God is REALLY faithful to help us when we call to Him. The particular day this week that I was struggling I made numerous attempts to connect with the Lord about it and was constantly drawn back to the need to mother my kids for one thing or another. During church God provided me with a servant to minister to me and speak some life to me that my heart really needed. I was seeking the Lord and He was faithful to meet me.

I have also found that there is a lot of power in declaring things with our mouths. Like King David in the Bible who said “Hey soul! Why are you depresssed. Put your hope in God.” He speaks to his own soul and declares truth. “God is trustworthy. Put your hope in Him.” So when I am struggling with my attitude, I often just start to speak truth. Sometimes all I can do is mouth the words to begin with, and then I find I am able to speak with more authority.

A final thing I will add before I invite you to share your thoughts is that looking outside ourselves really makes a difference. I find that in the downward spiral, I become more and more internally focused. Me! Me! Me! But in the upward spiral I am looking at others and seeing beyond my circumstances. Right after my friend ministered to me at church this week I began speaking with the person next to me and found an opportunity to be an intercessor for a situation in their family’s life. So in the times when I realize that I need an attitude check, looking out beyond myself has been very helpful.

As I have said before, my husband gets only one lover so I want to be the best one I can be. This often involves a strong commitment to good communication and giving myself an attitude check every now and then. Please feel free to add your experiences in the comment section in how you have ensured that you maintain a healthy attitude towards your husband.

A Reminder from God

I know that I usually write on women of the Bible, but today I decided to step outside the box to a man who we all know from the Old Testament, Elijah.   Elijah is one of my favorite prophets in the Bible because he reminds me of myself, even though I believe him to be a stronger man of God than I am….but I am hoping to fix that.

In 1 Kings 17, we are introduced to Elijah.  1 Kings 17:1  “Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.” Oh, yeah.  He’s the prophet that made it not rain for awhile.   Well, God made it not rain, Elijah was the messenger.   And of course, just as he said, it didn’t rain.  Not one drop.  Rivers and streams dried up, but God provided for Elijah during this time and kept him safe from the angry King Ahab and his evil wife, Jezebel.   After three years of no rain, God told Elijah “Go and present yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the land.”, so Elijah obeyed.  (1 Kings 18:1)   So Elijah met with King Ahab and told him that for too long he had worshipped Baal and had stopped obeying God’s commands.  He had a challenge for Ahab.   Send 450 of your prophets of Baal to build an altar, slaughter a bull to be sacrificed and Elijah would do the same.   Then they should call on their god to burn up the offering.  He let the prophets of Baal go first.   They prepared their bull to be sacrificed and called on the name of Baal from morning until noon.  They danced and called out to Baal.  Can you picture what that looked like?   I bet they did some crazy things!  Elijah even taunted them, “Shout louder!” he said. “Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened.” (1 Kings 18:27)  These prophets shouted and cut themselves with swords (ouch!) until evening.   Still, no word from Baal.   The sacrifice was not burned.  (By the way, I LOVE the way he taunts them…maybe your god is traveling?  busy?  deep in thought?  SLEEPING?  bahahahahaha)

At that point, Elijah repaired the altar for God that was Jacob’s and his 12 descendants.  He dug a trench around it.  He arranged wood on it and cut his bull into pieces for the offering and laid it on the wood.  He then had the people fill 12 large jars of water and poured it on the offering and the wood.     Hold on a minute.  He just poured all this water on his offering.  There is no way that wet wood burns, right?   The water covered the offering and filled the trench around the altar!   “At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: “O LORD, God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. Answer me, O LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.”  Then the fire of the LORD fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench. (1 Kings 18:36-38)   If I had witnessed this myself, I would have been staring at these events with my mouth hitting the floor.  WOW!   Isn’t God amazing?   Elijah obeyed all that God told him to do, and God showed up!   Well, not that he isn’t always there, but these people who were worshipping Baal saw God show up in a big way!

BUT

All you have to do is turn one page.  One page in the Bible, and this faithful man of God has a brain fart.  (Okay, someday in Heaven, I promise to apologize to Elijah for that one)

Her name was Jezebel, the prophet killer.  (1 Kings 19:1-2)   Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”

Now, Elijah had been provided for by God when all the other prophets were being hidden or were killed by Jezebel.   God just showed up in a big way on Mt. Carmel.   So Elijah stood up with his chest stuck out and told her to come and get me…..

Nope.  He ran.   Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. That’s what the Bible says.   Top it off, he ran into the desert.   He ran for a whole day into the desert.   Elijah, where are you going??   Surely you know that God has more planned for you!  We’ve only known you for 2 chapters!   He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”  Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep.

Wow.   I wonder if he were depressed.   It seemed to him like he was the only prophet left in the world.   All the others were gone, and now they were after him.    Christian, have you ever felt like you were the only one left?   Have you ever felt despondent, hopeless, and this desperate?  Elijah was so down that all he wanted to do was sleep.  Jonah did the same thing while the ship he was sailing in was about to be destroyed by the storm.   But take my life?   Was Elijah serious?  If that was part of God’s plan, wouldn’t he be dead like the rest of the prophets?    It wasn’t part of God’s plan because God sent him an angel.  All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. Yoo hoo!  Elijah!   That was an angel trying to strengthen you…not only your body, but your soul!  And you are sleeping again?   Here’s my confession time.  I am Elijah.   Lots of people I know look up to me as a woman of true faith, but I am Elijah.  I have seen great things that the Lord has done, but yet, I sleep, too.   Literally.   My son calls me narcoleptic.   He might be right.   Just today, he fell asleep on my bed after school.   When I woke him up for dinner, he literally said, “Hey, I pulled a Mom!”   I may be depressed somewhat, too lately.   I haven’t really been able to put my finger on why.   Is it because I feel like I am the only one at work who can do things correctly?  Probably.   Is it because when I see a miracle or when I see God’s hand in something, but then something else goes wrong, that I lose sight?   Yes, I am sure it is that now.   Like Elijah, I have seen some wonderful things that can only be God’s doing.   Yet, I run from him when something goes wrong.   And I sleep.  Literally.

The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.

Just last week, a new problem at work hit…. I bet I had at least 3 employees that thought I was crazy … I was muttering, “Something for God to do… Something for God to do” over and over and over, to convince myself that I needed to give it up to Him.

I just love this next part.   God speaks to Elijah in that cave… “What are you doing here, Elijah?”   Elijah goes on to tell God, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” I can hear God saying to him, “Be still, listen to me.”   The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”

Okay, do you see the scene from Titanic when Rose is standing on the bow of the ship with her arms outstretched…..feeling the wind whipping though her hair and how exhilarating it is to be there?   Elijah goes up to the mountain…. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Sometimes, loved ones, we just need to take the time to be still and listen.   I tell the children I teach that yes, sometimes God speaks to us in a loud audible voice, but other times he is so quiet because he wants us to be still and listen for him.   Let all the noise leave us.  Leave all the stress behind us.  Just come to the feet of our Abba Father, and wait for him.   Be still, my child.   Daddy is here.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” God’s calm, quiet voice.  What is wrong, my child?

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

Like the patient Father that he is, the LORD said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram.  Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet.  Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu.  Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel-all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him.”

I have a plan my child….and like the scene in The Empire Strikes Back, when Luke goes off to face Darth Vader….Obi Wan Kenobi says, “That boy was our last hope.”, but Yoda responds with “No, there is another.”   Elijah was saying, I am your last hope, Lord…but God told him there were others….7,000 others!   Talk about lifting your spirits!

Please remember, when it looks like there is no hope, the Lord is your hope.   Be still and know that He is God.  He knows the beginning.  He knows the end.   He knows who wins.  He does.   Take some time to be still.

Monday’s Mission # 55

Your mission this week is to think about how much time you spend praying for your husband. Could he use more prayer support at work? In his family relationships? In his friendships? For his character development? For strength to do what is right in hard situations? For wisdom day in and day out? This is an area I would like to improve on, personally. I invite you to join me in thinking about it this week and start implementing more prayer for your husband into your daily activities. I have noticed that on the days that I spend time praying for my husband that it has had a positive effect one way or another. It’s really worth it.

Position #65: Catcher’s Position

The position that we affectionately call “Catcher’s Position” is a hot one!!!  It is not exclusive to baseball fans either.  You can get into position by squatting down while placing your feet flat on the bed while your husband gets behind you on his knees.  This is a true test of strength for your legs.  Feel free to hold a headboard or you can reach down and balance yourself by touching your mattress.  You can adjust yourself to whatever feels most comfortable.  If your legs start to get tired simply have your husband help with the movement by grasping your hips to help you along.

The squatting positions, like the spring as well as this one, seem to give different sensations for the husband, as well as the wife.  They are very strenuous positions but it helps if you focus on the pleasure your husband is receiving.  The more you do it the less taxing it will be.  Have fun!!  Batter up!!!!!

My Toys Melted!

I sit here writing this post still somewhat in shock.  How could this happen to me?  I thought I knew how to take care of my toys.  I didn’t think that I’d go to my toy drawer one day, and find my beloved toys MELTED! 😯

So here’s the scoop.  I was actually cleaning my house, when I went to put something up in my nightstand drawer.  Upon opening the drawer, I spied my bullet and remembered that the battery had died in it.  I took it out and then proceeded to my toy drawers, where I keep the extra batteries for them.  I opened the middle of the three drawers and couldn’t believe what I saw in front of me!  Three of my toys looked like they had… melted!  How could this be?  They weren’t even touching each other!  😥

I quickly scanned over the entire drawer, looking for anything like battery acid or a leaking bottle of lube or something.  I found nothing.  The only batteries I kept in there were the small batteries like would fit in a watch, and they were in their proper container and not corroded.  There was no lube because the only lube we have is coconut oil anyway and it sits out on top of my nightstand.  The toys were all separated and NOT touching.  There was at least 2″ in between each toy.  I was shocked and puzzled.  😦

I picked up the three toys that were melted.  Two of them were ruined, but they were the most inexpensive toys that I own.  One was a simple jelly penis ring that was stretchy, and the other was a jelly toy as well.  Both were under $12 each.  The third toy was a tongue toy that was made of cyberskin material.  It was more expensive ($40) and looked like a real tongue and had two speeds.  It wasn’t totally ruined.  Part of the end of it had melted and I was able to take some scissors and cut away the melted parts.  It is still useable.

Google to the rescue!  While trying to figure out what happened, I stumbled upon a page that seemed to be offering an explanation for me.  Let me go ahead and say that this is not a Christian site and some of the links on this page may take you to places you’d rather not go, but this page itself has no nudity and actually has some really good information about how to take care of and store your toys.  The page is on the website: Talk Sex With Sue Johanson and here is the link:  Care & Maintenance of Sex Toys.

I knew that I wasn’t supposed to store toys made of different materials together touching.  I had all my toys laid out in a very organized fashion in three separate drawers.  They were all spaced apart from each other so I assumed they were fine.  Apparently the toys can STILL melt if they are kept in the same small area together.  The above page suggests that you store all your toys separately in baggies.  Who knew that you needed to go to such lengths?  (Okay, if you knew, then don’t rub it in.  Just keep it to yourself.)

Anyway, I wanted to post this for all of you women out there, just in case you thought you were being careful like me.  I’ve had toys for almost 15 years and have NEVER had this to happen before.  I thought that the precautions I’ve always taken were enough.  So now what is my advice for those of you out there who own multiple toys?  Invest in ziploc bags.  😉

Interview with an Empty Nester

There are so many wonderful seasons in marriage and having an empty nest can be a really sweet time for a couple who has worked hard to raise their kids and can now sit back and enjoy their years of effort. Unfortunately if the couple hasn’t stayed connected all those years, it can also be a very difficult time. Suddenly they are in their home without the distraction of children and they find that they don’t know each other much better than they did at the outset of their marriage. Since all of us CN girls still have our children living at home with us, I wanted to interview a friend who has recently said good bye to her youngest and is now reaping the benefits of sowing good seeds in her marriage.

Christian Nymphos: Were you always a passionate woman or did you experience an awakening at some point? Tell us a little about your story.

Michelle: I did have an awakening, however it was after I turned 40 years old. I have always been high energy etc. and passionate yet, I knew ‘something’ was still missing. I had to figure out who I was, being confident of how God wanted me to be and not formed to the world. So, with a lot of studying, praying, counseling, and ‘work’ I found myself to be me! No one better to be … than yourself. Along, with that simple idea came empowerment, and my awakening. As well as no fear in trying new different sexual things. study study study!!


CN: Being a mother to our kids and a lover to our husbands is a hard thing to balance out sometimes. What have you found to be helpful in maintaining a healthy balance in this?

M: It is very hard to balance, however, organizing what I could, freed up a lot of time for everyone. Boundaries became ‘freedom within a framework’ … ex. playing sports was definitely a must for our boys, so we had to say no to other things during sports. As a wife, I had to be the gatekeeper of the house … balancing time for myself was the hardest. We set up babysitting co-ops when the boys were younger and really worked hard to have date nights weekly and I had to schedule alone time for myself.

CN: What where the biggest challenges in balancing motherhood and an active sex life with your husband when your kids were really little?

M: Time and location!!


CN: How about when they were in elementary school?

M: Here were a lot of late rendezvous … and ‘scheduling sex’ I know that sounds rigid … but I actually would look forward to Thursdays!! Knowing that was our targeted day …life seemed so busy with everything.


CN: What about as teenagers?


M: This was an interesting phase of our lives. Having all boys in the house seemed easy, in that there was always food … games … and they wanted to talk~when they wanted to talk. We could really schedule us time around their schedules and even, take advantage of them being able to be on
their own often. They had to see that mom & dad disagree, but we were always “in love” and united as a team. Flirting in front of them allowed them to see healthy interaction between male and female. My husband has always been one to teach and show manners towards how a man treats a woman. Boys so need this …. we’ve never allowed locking doors, because a closed door means privacy – knock before entering etc. However, being mom … I have locked our bedroom door a few times!!


CN: So many of us get so tired as moms that we end up sacrificing intimate time with our husbands. What is your advise for this?

M: You can’t do and be any thing to anyone if you aren’t rested yourself …. how does this work? I remember having friends that would help me … and I would help them. We had talk sessions on: what works, what doesn’t. I’m making a casserole and have extra for another, and we’d share … it was networking and sharing what I had and sharing what they had. I remember one friend actually helping me get my laundry done because I felt so far behind. It seemed ridiculous at the time, but it seemed to be such a burden for me … and she helped! it gave me 4 extra hours that I needed. And then the most freeing concept was … not everything has to get done, I don’t have to be ‘perfect’ … my family is growing and soon they will be out on their own. So, to enjoy them kids and hubby in the moment. Sounds cliché but really!!! it’s true.

CN: What can we do to make sure we aren’t expending all our energy on our kids, leaving nothing for our husbands or ourselves?

M: When they nap, when they are at practice, I HAD TO have down time. I have a favorite chair that I would just sit, read, and or rest in. It still is my favorite chair in the house. Sometimes, I would unplug the telephone/computer /cellphone for 30 minutes of quiet, prayed a lot about having enough energy for my hubby.

CN: What about privacy issues?

M: Use your humor. Have code words. We have the word game. Depending on what time of the year it is, I would choose a word then explain to my husband what I was thinking, what I’d like to be doing etc. so it would build the anticipation between the two of us .. so we could work together to get things done so we would have time alone.


CN: How can we get the intimate times we need with our husbands with kids running all through the house?

M: That’s so hard. Letting each other know that the desire is there, flirting, even ‘flashing’ each other .. do you need help in the garage ? can we go to the car wash together? stolen moments … but knowing that when we are together you have my 100% undivided attention.

CN: How do we communicate that we have a satisfying sex life without giving too many details to our children?

M: This seemed easy to us. Children must know that mom and dad are soooooooooooo in love, and sex is apart of that (age appropriate) and that the best is when 2 are married, and kissing and private times are apart of life like breathing. Boys tend to hear things and ask vivid Q’s. We’ve learned not to laugh or freak out .. but definitely know what they are talking about … discuss it, always communicate that when married that it is absolutely acceptable. Each married couple will have ‘things’ they so enjoy doing and etc. When they ask details of our sex life … we just confirm that we enjoy each other, they way God intended etc. .. but never divulging details. They’ve asked about our private sexy Christmas stocking, because they are older I have told them what is in there (toys, lubes, etc.) … for our enjoyment. They can’t wait until they are married, so their wives can talk to mom-in-law.

CN: How sweet is the dessert of an empty nest?

M: This has been a roller coaster. Yea! Their gone. Had to adjust everything, but the ‘freedom’ to have sex whenever has been a joy and being able to be nude in the house is freeing … not worrying who was in the house etc. Still having to schedule some, and being organized has really freed us up to travel and do things together .. just as when the boys were younger.


CN: Was it sweet from the start or a difficult transition?

I wouldn’t say difficult just different. What a phase transition!! Still mom and dad yet not under our roof anymore. Different thoughts, such as downsizing … less food to purchase …. however, so many new found freedoms too.


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