Q&A: Toy Double Standard?

“Just a quick question.  From reading some of your articles about “Sex toys”, there is something I would like to be made clear to me.  One article I read stated that a man should not use sex toys that pleasure only him self, because it does not help create a stronger bond between the husband and wife.  I strongly agree with this article.  Another article I stumbled across was basically a review on the “Jack Rabbit”, which I believe to be a personal toy for female stimulation.  The article was encouraging the use of the product.  So my question would be, why does it seem that women are allowed to pleasure themselves with toys, while men are expected not to do such a thing?”

I am so glad we received this email.  I’ve actually been thinking that we needed to expand on this topic for a while.  Although this email is asking specifically about the use of toys, I believe there are two variables to consider.  In order to discuss toy use we also need to include the entire topic of masturbation.  I have a few points that I’d like to expand on and then any follow up discussion can take place in the comment section.

1.  Nothing should replace genital union. I realize that masturbating together is fun and exciting.  We do it here too sometimes.  However, God created our bodies to fit together.  His design for marriage included intercourse.  Making love is the closest you will ever come physically to your spouse.  There is nothing that compares.  Masturbating together, oral sex, and using toys are all examples of fun stuff you can do in your marriage bed, but they do not join your souls together in pure intimacy the way penis-in-vagina intercourse does.

2.  It’s relatively easy for a man to orgasm…NOT SO FOR WOMEN. Think about it.  When a man gets married, he is pretty much guaranteed orgasm with each act of sex (barring health issues).  Allow me to be crude for a minute or two here.  A man can stick his penis in almost anything and get off.  (Haters back off.  Before I get a ton of emails regarding that last sentence let me say that yes, I’m exaggerating. :lol:)  But honestly, men just KNOW to rub their penis back and forth for a couple of minutes and boom, there is orgasm.  It can be done by hand, by his wife’s mouth/hand/anus/vagina, or even by lubing it up and thrusting between his mattress and box springs (yes, that has really happened).  My point here is that there isn’t any special trick or technique that a man needs to learn in order to ejaculate.  Men don’t need anything other than a nice warm compressed area to stick it.  (Crudeness now over.)

So what about us women?  Are we like that?  Can we orgasm that quickly and easily?  Absolutely not!  We need practice to get it right! I wish that every time my husband entered me, I knew I was guaranteed an orgasm in just a couple of minutes.  Just a few thrusts and I’d be wriggling in ecstasy!  Unfortunately it does take a lot more time and effort for most women to experience orgasm.  So what happens when you have a husband ready to explode and a wife who is just getting warmed up?  How can women learn how to help themselves?  Masturbation and the use of toys, that’s how.  I am a HUGE advocate of women masturbating in order to learn what works for them.  Many times toys are needed.  A woman may be able to learn how to climax via clitoral stimulation using her hands or a vibrator.  Once she understands what her body needs, she can use that information while trying different sexual positions with her husband.  The easiest example of this would be the Woman On Top position, where the wife takes control and tries to bring herself to orgasm while grinding and rubbing on her husband’s body.

Some women want desperately to learn how to experience a g-spot orgasm.  There are g-spot stimulators to help with that.  The Jack Rabbit toy referenced in the above email is a great example of a toy that can be used to simulate vaginal and clitoral stimulation at the same time.  Again, if the wife can learn to orgasm using this toy, then it may very well help her learn to orgasm during intercourse with her husband.

I read somewhere recently that only 30% of women orgasm regularly during intercourse. Go back and read that again.  30% Men, can you now begin to understand why it is important for your wives to learn for themselves what works for their own bodies?  It certainly isn’t fair for us to just do without and let you guys have all the orgasms.  It also wouldn’t be fair of us to blame you for not ‘giving us’ an orgasm, when we could be proactive about the situation and learn to help ourselves.

3.  Females can masturbate using a toy and then be ready to make love almost immediately.  Not so for most men. Speaking from personal experience I will tell you that masturbating with or without a toy during the day actually helps wake my body up. It puts me in a very sexual mood when my husband gets home.  He walks through the door to find a wife who is very much ready to go!  It doesn’t matter that I’ve brought myself to orgasm three times already.  Intercourse is still very much an option.  Does it work that way for men?  Can a man masturbate or use one of those pleasure sleeves to ejaculate in, and then be ready to make love 30 minutes or an hour later when his wife gets home and wants some lovin?  There is always that issue of refractory time with men that we women don’t generally have.  Once a man ejaculates, what does he have left to give to his wife?  What happens when the wife wants to make love that evening but the husband can’t perform because he already blew his load into a sleeve?  It is easy to see how a man masturbating or using a solo sex toy can TAKE AWAY FROM the marriage bed.

4.  Many toys can be used for both spouses together. The question in the above email says:  “…why does it seem that women are allowed to pleasure themselves with toys, while men are expected not to do such a thing?” It is not my opinion that men should never use toys.  There are clearly times where a husband masturbating and using a solo toy would be okay, such as some kind of separation (like a business trip) where both spouses have discussed it and given their blessing to each other.  There are also several toys that can be enjoyed together!  Vibrators are not just for clitoral stimulation.  During rear entry the wife can extend her arm through her legs and hold a vibe on her husband’s testicles as he thrusts.  She can also use a vibe on her husband during foreplay and oral sex.  Penis rings and anal toys are other examples of toys that can be used together, and you can also find those that vibrate, giving pleasure to both.

5.  When it comes to toys, or any sexual act for that matter, I think the main question we need to be asking ourselves is: Does doing this help my relationship and deepen our intimacy together? If you are masturbating or using toys in secret, the answer to that is no. If you are masturbating, knowing that your spouse may want to make love later and that you probably won’t be able to perform, then the answer to that is no. If you are masturbating or using toys against your spouse’s wishes, then the answer to that is no. We should be actively pursuing a deeper relationship with our spouse, just as we are with our Heavenly Father.  We should be striving to do those things that bring us closer together.

I hope that I explained my views on this subject clearly enough, and I encourage further discussion and input from you all in the comment section.

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