Q&A: Toy Double Standard?

“Just a quick question.  From reading some of your articles about “Sex toys”, there is something I would like to be made clear to me.  One article I read stated that a man should not use sex toys that pleasure only him self, because it does not help create a stronger bond between the husband and wife.  I strongly agree with this article.  Another article I stumbled across was basically a review on the “Jack Rabbit”, which I believe to be a personal toy for female stimulation.  The article was encouraging the use of the product.  So my question would be, why does it seem that women are allowed to pleasure themselves with toys, while men are expected not to do such a thing?”

I am so glad we received this email.  I’ve actually been thinking that we needed to expand on this topic for a while.  Although this email is asking specifically about the use of toys, I believe there are two variables to consider.  In order to discuss toy use we also need to include the entire topic of masturbation.  I have a few points that I’d like to expand on and then any follow up discussion can take place in the comment section.

1.  Nothing should replace genital union. I realize that masturbating together is fun and exciting.  We do it here too sometimes.  However, God created our bodies to fit together.  His design for marriage included intercourse.  Making love is the closest you will ever come physically to your spouse.  There is nothing that compares.  Masturbating together, oral sex, and using toys are all examples of fun stuff you can do in your marriage bed, but they do not join your souls together in pure intimacy the way penis-in-vagina intercourse does.

2.  It’s relatively easy for a man to orgasm…NOT SO FOR WOMEN. Think about it.  When a man gets married, he is pretty much guaranteed orgasm with each act of sex (barring health issues).  Allow me to be crude for a minute or two here.  A man can stick his penis in almost anything and get off.  (Haters back off.  Before I get a ton of emails regarding that last sentence let me say that yes, I’m exaggerating. :lol:)  But honestly, men just KNOW to rub their penis back and forth for a couple of minutes and boom, there is orgasm.  It can be done by hand, by his wife’s mouth/hand/anus/vagina, or even by lubing it up and thrusting between his mattress and box springs (yes, that has really happened).  My point here is that there isn’t any special trick or technique that a man needs to learn in order to ejaculate.  Men don’t need anything other than a nice warm compressed area to stick it.  (Crudeness now over.)

So what about us women?  Are we like that?  Can we orgasm that quickly and easily?  Absolutely not!  We need practice to get it right! I wish that every time my husband entered me, I knew I was guaranteed an orgasm in just a couple of minutes.  Just a few thrusts and I’d be wriggling in ecstasy!  Unfortunately it does take a lot more time and effort for most women to experience orgasm.  So what happens when you have a husband ready to explode and a wife who is just getting warmed up?  How can women learn how to help themselves?  Masturbation and the use of toys, that’s how.  I am a HUGE advocate of women masturbating in order to learn what works for them.  Many times toys are needed.  A woman may be able to learn how to climax via clitoral stimulation using her hands or a vibrator.  Once she understands what her body needs, she can use that information while trying different sexual positions with her husband.  The easiest example of this would be the Woman On Top position, where the wife takes control and tries to bring herself to orgasm while grinding and rubbing on her husband’s body.

Some women want desperately to learn how to experience a g-spot orgasm.  There are g-spot stimulators to help with that.  The Jack Rabbit toy referenced in the above email is a great example of a toy that can be used to simulate vaginal and clitoral stimulation at the same time.  Again, if the wife can learn to orgasm using this toy, then it may very well help her learn to orgasm during intercourse with her husband.

I read somewhere recently that only 30% of women orgasm regularly during intercourse. Go back and read that again.  30% Men, can you now begin to understand why it is important for your wives to learn for themselves what works for their own bodies?  It certainly isn’t fair for us to just do without and let you guys have all the orgasms.  It also wouldn’t be fair of us to blame you for not ‘giving us’ an orgasm, when we could be proactive about the situation and learn to help ourselves.

3.  Females can masturbate using a toy and then be ready to make love almost immediately.  Not so for most men. Speaking from personal experience I will tell you that masturbating with or without a toy during the day actually helps wake my body up. It puts me in a very sexual mood when my husband gets home.  He walks through the door to find a wife who is very much ready to go!  It doesn’t matter that I’ve brought myself to orgasm three times already.  Intercourse is still very much an option.  Does it work that way for men?  Can a man masturbate or use one of those pleasure sleeves to ejaculate in, and then be ready to make love 30 minutes or an hour later when his wife gets home and wants some lovin?  There is always that issue of refractory time with men that we women don’t generally have.  Once a man ejaculates, what does he have left to give to his wife?  What happens when the wife wants to make love that evening but the husband can’t perform because he already blew his load into a sleeve?  It is easy to see how a man masturbating or using a solo sex toy can TAKE AWAY FROM the marriage bed.

4.  Many toys can be used for both spouses together. The question in the above email says:  “…why does it seem that women are allowed to pleasure themselves with toys, while men are expected not to do such a thing?” It is not my opinion that men should never use toys.  There are clearly times where a husband masturbating and using a solo toy would be okay, such as some kind of separation (like a business trip) where both spouses have discussed it and given their blessing to each other.  There are also several toys that can be enjoyed together!  Vibrators are not just for clitoral stimulation.  During rear entry the wife can extend her arm through her legs and hold a vibe on her husband’s testicles as he thrusts.  She can also use a vibe on her husband during foreplay and oral sex.  Penis rings and anal toys are other examples of toys that can be used together, and you can also find those that vibrate, giving pleasure to both.

5.  When it comes to toys, or any sexual act for that matter, I think the main question we need to be asking ourselves is: Does doing this help my relationship and deepen our intimacy together? If you are masturbating or using toys in secret, the answer to that is no. If you are masturbating, knowing that your spouse may want to make love later and that you probably won’t be able to perform, then the answer to that is no. If you are masturbating or using toys against your spouse’s wishes, then the answer to that is no. We should be actively pursuing a deeper relationship with our spouse, just as we are with our Heavenly Father.  We should be striving to do those things that bring us closer together.

I hope that I explained my views on this subject clearly enough, and I encourage further discussion and input from you all in the comment section.


  1. Well expressed. It has been a frustration of mine that sometimes I just can’t get it all together for an orgasm before my husband is done. He does try stalling strategies for himself, but after a while of us both trying I usually just give up and let him finish. If only I could get him to come around to using the small egg I bought. Alas, it still sits in the box.

  2. i really appreciate how you always focus on the heart and motive! it’s easy to get caught up in do’s and don’ts and legalism, but i love how you always bring it back to the heart of the issue which is ‘is this bringing you closer to your husband and to God’. you ladies have a lot of wisdom and it seems that REAL intimacy with God backs it up. thank-you!

  3. thanks for the clarification – I too wondered about a double standard for men and women with toys, but this makes it a lot clearer. And now that you outline it all, I can easily see that a wife using a toy (if the husband wants her too) could be a good thing, esp. for women who have trouble with orgasm.

    I still don’t think it’s the thing for us right now, but who knows, in a few years (read, after a few kids) we might need this!

    so, thanks.

  4. For women M is often necesary to learn to climax. For a man M is useful training before you are married to learn to control the orgasm and learn to last long enough to please your wife first.
    The reason most men can’t have intercourse for a long time is because they masterbate to get off as quickly as possible, THERBY TRAINING THEMSELVES TO QUICK RELEASE DURING INTERCOURSE FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

    Good points, I share the view that the double standard is good and makes sense.because; a women can M and it will can cause her to desire her husband more. Prepare and relax here for intercourse.
    SPEAKING GENERALLY After M a man will simply not need sex for possibly the rest of the day. he shot his load so to speak.
    Guys sex drive can be based more on biology and chemical reactions. He just needs and occasional release to remain even tempered and keep the eyes from wandering. Except for in cases of addiction, which are as emotional as they are chemical.

    Women seem to be more emotionaly driven. M can help them to connect the physical to the emotional in a way that trains them to orgasm with their husband.

    As a guy I can’t imagine the challenge of needing the emotional stars to align in my head before being able to orgasm. The only thing I can relate to that’s close is how I often cannot climax with M without my wife now because I need that connection with her to make it real.
    That and she’s so good at it.

  5. This seems like an opinion to me to say in effect that “nothing” joins your souls together like penis-in-vagina intercourse does. The closeness and vulnerability shared between you and your spouse in any of those activities is more than just “fun stuff” to me. They are all parts of an intricate puzzle.

    On another note, I think the crudeness was unnecessary. I don’t need to read the words “blow his load” to understand the issue under discussion.

  6. I agree with you that it is all a part of an intricate puzzle. I would say that all the “fun stuff” is appetizers, soup, & salad, while intercourse is the main course or entree. Yes, it is my opinion. I have heard a couple of people preach/teach on this issue over the years, and I happen to agree with them. You are entitled to have a differing opinion.

    I’m sorry that you failed to see any humor at all in my words. Sometimes it’s nice to not be so uptight about things 🙂

  7. This is a well written article about this part of our sexual lives. While it may be appear to be graphic, it is does tell it like it is. I think there are two important points to remember in what we are trying to achieve. First, is to know what stimulates us. As a man I have known since I was a teenager what I liked, what arouses me. My wife has greater orgasms thru oral. She has smaller orgasms thru intercourse. I wish she could have the same orgasm with intercourse that she has with oral. For her to do that she needs to explore and experiment, something she wont do. Second, we need to put our single turn ons, arousals ro whatever you wish to call them and join together in something that only God could have created that makes us as one. I have to use control and she has to understand what excites her. Although I have said before on this website I wish I had more variety, there is a heavenly feeling that intercourse brings. I dont think anyone can put into words how it feels when the penis is inside the vagina. It is a gift from God that symbolizes the sanctity of marriage. I thank God for this gift but most of all for life itself and for the love of my wife. That is the emotional connection that comes from this

  8. Well said. I am reading The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. and found her entire chapter on sexuality fascinating. Would imagine that M could help the “stars align.”

    Would love to see more discussion about this, as I truly believed I was the only woman who got distracted during foreplay. I thought that something was wrong with me because any one thing could happen and all of a sudden, any progress that was being made was lost!

    I love that you often cannot climax without your wife now. I find that so touching. . .

  9. As a guy, it wasnt until I started doing kegels and masturbating frequently and for longer and longer sessions with the soul intention of becoming a better lover did I learn that the whole refractory thing is entirely changeable, and that I could have as many as 4 orgasms within an hour to hour and 1/2, and if I want, get another or maintain my erection. This of course translates very well into the bedroom with my wife. Without masterbating, with a purpose and a plan, this would not have happened.

    A jack rabbit wont do much for a man. Men like the feeling of pressure and grip around the penis, as well as the action of thrusting. A lubricated hand works well for this, but it can get literally tiring, and because the hand is much rougher than a womans vagina, he will become overcome with sensation once he has intercourse with his wife, possibly leading to PE. Lazy guys who masturbate, just to get rid of the urge, are on the fast track to PE and an unsatisfied wife.

    I dont use a sleeve, but by the same token, I think its ludicrous to think that a sex toy, designed specifically for a pleasing a womans clitoral anatomy, is somehow more noble and therefore worthy and acceptable to use for a woman because it is non-penetrative and doesnt interfere with a husband wife’s genital union. If God had placed the clitoris 3 or 4 inches inside the vagina, would you then find a penetrative sex toy acceptable for a woman to masturbate with?

  10. Todd, if you masturbate “with a purpose and a plan,” so that you will be able to last longer for your wife, then I personally commend you for trying to take some steps to improve your marriage bed. It sounds like you are able to masturbate and say “YES” to my number 5 above, which is wonderful.

    It isn’t that I find a certain toy to be more “noble” than others, it’s the intentions of the person masturbating that concern me.

  11. I dont really have a veiw on the subject but everyone on the site does have great point. I feel that this site really opes up ones mind to different topics.

  12. I am not sure if Todd is still on the comments on this but I am gonna ask anyway. Todd you said you were training yourself to last longer by doing kegels and masturbating frequently so is that all you have had to do to get where you are now? The reason I ask is because this is what my husband wants to be able to achieve. My husband would really like to know how you have achieved the endurance to keep going and to keep an erection longer. If you aren’t here anymore Todd, I would appreciate someones else’s opinion. 🙂

  13. I realize the timing of men is a frustration for our wives at times so here’s a technique I learned quite by accident and out of a desire to ensure her experience and pleasure was available through my personal attention. Both of us are not fans of toys and masturbation as we have made a decision to work on using that creative and sexual energy for each other.

    Here’s the trick: to continue to be available to your wife is right after your own O quickly (and I mean right away) go to the restroom and urinate while still “up” (you may have to use the shower so you don’t have to do the flying superman on the toilet :-). You will lose a bit of solidness but if you quickly get back to an intimate place and resume a little stimulation (oral, hand etc…) your solidness will return and you will be capable of quite lengthy availability for your wife. The extreme sensitivity seems to be diminished from the restroom trip. I’ve even had a second O at times.

    As a minister I counsel with many people who have difficult issues with jealousy, insecurity, temptations, fantasies of extra marital escapades that toys and masturbation seem to trigger or exacerbate. I am not judging others who are okay with it I simply offer my observations and previous comments so that if others feel some of the issues I hear frequently they might be able to try other ways to draw back together and have a blessed union and intimate marriage.

  14. Great points and very well supported!

  15. I think this is a great article, however I ca n tell you that not all ment operate the same way. I have the same intentions as Todd, masturbate so that last longer with my wife. I have had no problems performing for my wife even as soon as 20 min after taking care of business myself.

  16. There are plenty of men who have a longer refractory period, and it works fine in their marriage.

  17. Back to the original points and question:

    I agree there is a HUGE Double Standard if men are not allowed to explore and learn their bodies as we females do. The use of toys allows them experiences that they might not otherwise have discovered. Things have shifted big time in our relationship where my husband would have sex 3-4 times a day if time allowed and if I was available but it simply is not possible. Who has that kind of time? When I am available for more frequency my body can barely handle it any way. Also nowadays I am good about once every 3-5 weeks. I do not desire it as often as he does and have no problem with him wanting it more. The 3-4 my husband wishes he could have a day I experience every time we make love. I have massive deep multiorgasms and all a guy can have is 1 or 2, always seemed like a bit of a rip off for the males if you ask me. Yes they might can do it easier than we can but how many wives out there please their husband 3-4 times each time they make love?

    I had never heard of men to doing anything but ejaculate 1 or 2 time per and that is it. Then I read an article how different and intense the pleasure can be for a man when anal is added. The article was correct! So I not only introduced toys but anal play as well into our relationship. Through finger exploration while making love I discovered that my husband has deeper orgasms, often full body. It took a while but I was able to get my husband consistently comfortable with my finger exploration during both intercourse and oral (added a complete new dimension to our oral on both of us). Eventually I was able to get him to relax more and to go with it, his orgasms got bigger, lasted longer, and to our amazement sometimes he hadn’t even ejaculated.

    Now I am pretty flexible but there comes a point where my hand and fingers can only do or take so much bending. That is where the toys came in. They were easier to manipulate and added variety that I could not do with my hands alone. The first time I used one on him it was like the first finger, he nearly jumped through the roof. It took time but once he got accustomed to it and relaxed things heated up quickly. Even though we have added toys I still finger, touch, and feel everything I can. The use of toys has made it much easier for my husband to have the type of deep massive multiorgasms I have. The best part is after all those orgasms from anal play he is often still hard and we are still able to do oral, intercourse, or masturbation.

    Next step was getting him okay with masturbating in front of me, getting him to touch himself even more (girl that took a while), and then the addition of toys. This was probably one of the single most eye opening experiences for the both of us. He learned to get over his inhibitions, fear of rejections, relax and enjoy himself guilt free. Yes for many people this might cross over into kink, weird, or not normal for a male, but as his wife I can tell to there is absolutely nothing odd about it. We have grown closer than ever with stress and guilt free sexual release.

  18. What Alisa says times 1000! My husband and I discovered the magic of adding toys to our love life soon after the honeymoon. As she put it, fingers and hands (even lips and tongues) can only do so much. And through the use of toys we also discovered that we can both be multiorgasmic. Anal toys used on my husband have taught us both that multis are not just for women. I initiated or request it of him often and the added joy of toys has increased our love making to hours of enjoyment with no down time. I am a believer in long love making.

    As for – When it comes to toys, or any sexual act for that matter, I think the main question we need to be asking ourselves is: Does doing this help my relationship and deepen our intimacy together?

    Yes YEs YES! Without a doubt! How could it not? We learned together so much about one another using toys that we would not had been able to see up close and witness first hand if we only did penal intercourse. We even learn better positioning from the use of toys so now his penis hits me with even more intensity.

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