There are so many wonderful seasons in marriage and having an empty nest can be a really sweet time for a couple who has worked hard to raise their kids and can now sit back and enjoy their years of effort. Unfortunately if the couple hasn’t stayed connected all those years, it can also be a very difficult time. Suddenly they are in their home without the distraction of children and they find that they don’t know each other much better than they did at the outset of their marriage. Since all of us CN girls still have our children living at home with us, I wanted to interview a friend who has recently said good bye to her youngest and is now reaping the benefits of sowing good seeds in her marriage.
Christian Nymphos: Were you always a passionate woman or did you experience an awakening at some point? Tell us a little about your story.
Michelle: I did have an awakening, however it was after I turned 40 years old. I have always been high energy etc. and passionate yet, I knew ‘something’ was still missing. I had to figure out who I was, being confident of how God wanted me to be and not formed to the world. So, with a lot of studying, praying, counseling, and ‘work’ I found myself to be me! No one better to be … than yourself. Along, with that simple idea came empowerment, and my awakening. As well as no fear in trying new different sexual things. study study study!!
CN: Being a mother to our kids and a lover to our husbands is a hard thing to balance out sometimes. What have you found to be helpful in maintaining a healthy balance in this?
M: It is very hard to balance, however, organizing what I could, freed up a lot of time for everyone. Boundaries became ‘freedom within a framework’ … ex. playing sports was definitely a must for our boys, so we had to say no to other things during sports. As a wife, I had to be the gatekeeper of the house … balancing time for myself was the hardest. We set up babysitting co-ops when the boys were younger and really worked hard to have date nights weekly and I had to schedule alone time for myself.
CN: What where the biggest challenges in balancing motherhood and an active sex life with your husband when your kids were really little?
M: Time and location!!
CN: How about when they were in elementary school?
M: Here were a lot of late rendezvous … and ‘scheduling sex’ I know that sounds rigid … but I actually would look forward to Thursdays!! Knowing that was our targeted day …life seemed so busy with everything.
CN: What about as teenagers?
M: This was an interesting phase of our lives. Having all boys in the house seemed easy, in that there was always food … games … and they wanted to talk~when they wanted to talk. We could really schedule us time around their schedules and even, take advantage of them being able to be on
their own often. They had to see that mom & dad disagree, but we were always “in love” and united as a team. Flirting in front of them allowed them to see healthy interaction between male and female. My husband has always been one to teach and show manners towards how a man treats a woman. Boys so need this …. we’ve never allowed locking doors, because a closed door means privacy – knock before entering etc. However, being mom … I have locked our bedroom door a few times!!
CN: So many of us get so tired as moms that we end up sacrificing intimate time with our husbands. What is your advise for this?
M: You can’t do and be any thing to anyone if you aren’t rested yourself …. how does this work? I remember having friends that would help me … and I would help them. We had talk sessions on: what works, what doesn’t. I’m making a casserole and have extra for another, and we’d share … it was networking and sharing what I had and sharing what they had. I remember one friend actually helping me get my laundry done because I felt so far behind. It seemed ridiculous at the time, but it seemed to be such a burden for me … and she helped! it gave me 4 extra hours that I needed. And then the most freeing concept was … not everything has to get done, I don’t have to be ‘perfect’ … my family is growing and soon they will be out on their own. So, to enjoy them kids and hubby in the moment. Sounds cliché but really!!! it’s true.
CN: What can we do to make sure we aren’t expending all our energy on our kids, leaving nothing for our husbands or ourselves?
M: When they nap, when they are at practice, I HAD TO have down time. I have a favorite chair that I would just sit, read, and or rest in. It still is my favorite chair in the house. Sometimes, I would unplug the telephone/computer /cellphone for 30 minutes of quiet, prayed a lot about having enough energy for my hubby.
CN: What about privacy issues?
M: Use your humor. Have code words. We have the word game. Depending on what time of the year it is, I would choose a word then explain to my husband what I was thinking, what I’d like to be doing etc. so it would build the anticipation between the two of us .. so we could work together to get things done so we would have time alone.
CN: How can we get the intimate times we need with our husbands with kids running all through the house?
M: That’s so hard. Letting each other know that the desire is there, flirting, even ‘flashing’ each other .. do you need help in the garage ? can we go to the car wash together? stolen moments … but knowing that when we are together you have my 100% undivided attention.
CN: How do we communicate that we have a satisfying sex life without giving too many details to our children?
M: This seemed easy to us. Children must know that mom and dad are soooooooooooo in love, and sex is apart of that (age appropriate) and that the best is when 2 are married, and kissing and private times are apart of life like breathing. Boys tend to hear things and ask vivid Q’s. We’ve learned not to laugh or freak out .. but definitely know what they are talking about … discuss it, always communicate that when married that it is absolutely acceptable. Each married couple will have ‘things’ they so enjoy doing and etc. When they ask details of our sex life … we just confirm that we enjoy each other, they way God intended etc. .. but never divulging details. They’ve asked about our private sexy Christmas stocking, because they are older I have told them what is in there (toys, lubes, etc.) … for our enjoyment. They can’t wait until they are married, so their wives can talk to mom-in-law.
CN: How sweet is the dessert of an empty nest?
M: This has been a roller coaster. Yea! Their gone. Had to adjust everything, but the ‘freedom’ to have sex whenever has been a joy and being able to be nude in the house is freeing … not worrying who was in the house etc. Still having to schedule some, and being organized has really freed us up to travel and do things together .. just as when the boys were younger.
CN: Was it sweet from the start or a difficult transition?
I wouldn’t say difficult just different. What a phase transition!! Still mom and dad yet not under our roof anymore. Different thoughts, such as downsizing … less food to purchase …. however, so many new found freedoms too.
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