We received the following email:
Can my wife dress provocatively for me and go out in public with me, not to church of course, but like to the movies or to dinner or something along those lines, without losing her salvation? We worry about the verse that says “do not be a stumbling block to your brother” but her dressing sexy really turns me on, and it makes her feel good about herself to dress sexy for me. We aim to please each others desires within a Biblical world view. We think that on one hand, as long as she isn’t out there with the objective to cause men to sin by lusting after her, then we should be OK, but on the other hand, we worry God will still hold us accountable for sin we may be causing even if it isn’t intentional. What do you think? Don’t get me wrong, only God knows the real answer, but we are looking for some good solid Christian advice on this subject. You guys seem to be the best candidate for this situation. Thank you so much and God bless.
My husband and I sound a bit like this couple in our approach to this. I love the idea of dressing sexy for him and he, of course, enjoys seeing it, but we also want to avoid things that might cause a weaker brother to sin.
Let me begin by giving clarity on one part of this letter unrelated to the topic of lust. This reader asked, “Can my wife dress provocatively for me and go out in public with me … without losing her salvation?” What kind of job are we doing as a church that people need to ask if they will lose their salvation if they sin? It seems to be the most basic and fundamental teaching of the gospel, that salvation is by grace alone and is not effected by how rightly or sinfully we live. Righteous living will be the result of our sanctification, but is not a requirement for our salvation. So, no, a woman will not lose her salvation if she dresses provocatively. The fact that the this couple is trying to determine the balance in this shows that they desire to please God which is a good indication to me that they are maturing in Christ.
Let me also say that for the brother who is so weak that he will lust after a woman wearing attractive, but modest clothing, I hold no accountability for. I do not believe it is my responsibility to manage his sin in such a case. I am not going to walk around wearing frumpy, boring clothing in an attempt to keep someone else from sinning lustfully. Such a man has a problem with lust that I can not control. I think far too many Christian men have trained themselves to bounce their eyes without learning how to look an attractive woman in the face and have a conversation with her. The whole “bouncing eyes” thing should just be one step in a man’s freedom from lust. Hopefully he can move past that and learn to see beautiful women and not lust after them.
Having said that, allow me to share what my husband and I have decided is an acceptable balance between dressing respectably and dressing well in public and for one another. Others may or may not agree and I would welcome you to share your opinions. Even within the group of women who write on this blog we have someone different standards of personal modesty. I will include some links to examples of the sorts of clothing options my husband and I believe are acceptable depending on the situation.
My wardrobe is filled with a variety of clothing styles and there is a wide degree of neck- and hemlines. My normal day to day clothing consists of what I view as trendy and attractive clothing, but doesn’t show cleavage or bare midriffs. I wear this when I go out with my family, or to the store, or out with girlfriends. I try to always look my best so I dress well when I can. Here are a couple examples of what I might wear out on a normal day:
- Jeans with a great top and boots – my idea of highly conservative and also full of style
- Skirt with a tank top – a great outfit for a warm day
- Capri pants with a sleeveless top – also great way to be comfortable on a warm day
- Minimum skirt length – my skirts aren’t any shorter than this (most are longer), and I would be careful about wearing a short skirt like this if I didn’t have tights with it. The tights continue the color straight down the leg which is more modest than stopping it there and showing skin. I’d wear a short skirt like this without tights if I was out with my husband, but I would wear tights with it if it was part of an every day outfit.
And that leads me to another category of clothing I have. I have a way of dressing when I go out for a date with my husband that can be more provocative and may have a bit of a lower neckline and the skirts and dresses might be a little shorter. If I choose one of these tops which is lower cut to wear one day then I have a growing number of these in a wide variety of colors that I wear underneath. Thrift stores are a great place to get these. Here are some examples of what I am referring to:
- Cami under lower cut top – these camis are great for transitioning a low cut top to a top that you can wear any time.
- Lower neckline (especially noticeable if the woman has a larger bust size) (Darn, that is a great looking dress….)
- Lower neckline and sexy for husband, but still not totally indecent
- Very sexy, but still covered
These are the kinds of things I might opt to wear, depending on the occasion, if I was going on on a date with my husband. Of course, I’d not wear that sexy red dress to our local coffee shop for lattes….
A major consideration in all of this is that a woman who has a smaller bust can actually get away with a lower cut top. I posted what I can wear, but a woman who is smaller chested can usually wear something lower without it being overly immodest. The other consideration is that what I see as respectable here where I live may not be respectable in other parts of the country and certainly in other countries all together. I live in a metropolitan area where, trust me, the things I posted are conservative compared to what a lot of other women wear, but I would say that most women wanting to be fashionable in this geographical area fit in with this standard.
A third category of clothing which I don’t have much of, but is fun is the stuff that you wear which is too inappropriate to wear out, but enjoyable to play around with at home. Tiny tops that just barely cover you. Tight mini dresses. Plunging necklines. The sorts of things that don’t leave much to the imagination. I’m all for a couple enjoying this at home, but do think that it’s inappropriate for wearing out.
- Short shorts and top – no nudity, but shows the idea of what I am talking about here
Remember to incorporate sexy things when you go out that only the two of you know about, like not wearing panties. A bra that you know your husband likes a lot can be flashed on the way out the door. Sexy messages whispered in his ear when you return from the bathroom can really drive him wild. So use those things that are just between the two of you to build the sexual energy on a date.
I love dressing sexy for my husband. It’s actually a turn on for me to be a pleasure to his eyes. This is the balance I have found between wearing modest clothing and dressing attractively for my husband. I would love to hear how others have handled this balance for themselves so feel free to mention your ideas in the comment section, even if you disagree with me 😉
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Christian Nymphos 
I think I dress more modestly than some of these pics 😀 but for one thing, I live in ‘the bible belt’, and a skirt more than a few inches above the knee on someone older than a teenager isn’t rare, but it’s not uber common and it DEFINITELY makes a statement. And also I have, ahem, a large posterior and large breasts, while having a relatively small bone build, so I try not to wear anything tight shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, b/c regardless of my intention, any thing tight draws attention immediately to my curves, and I don’t really want any man besides my husband to be able to tell the precise shape of my body.
Also, low tops and shorts skirts are out b/c there’s too much I need to cover!!
And crisscross tops or anything with a line under the bodice is usually out, for me, because of my shape. Except now that I’ve got a 20 week pregnant belly, I can wear those shirts decently, b/c the attention is drawn to my belly, and Hubby says it’s GREAT to show that off 🙂
I think he likes everyone to know that he got his girl pregnant, lol.
I know this one young lady who isn’t very large chested and wears all sorts of tops that would make me look very provacative, but on her they just look sweet. I know another girl who wears lots of tops like that and has a larger chest, and to be frank, when she wears that sort of thing, I don’t like her near my husband.
Then again, there’s another chick who dresses very modestly but her way of moving and looking and closing and opening her eyes and walking is simply…. well, it’s an attempt to be alluring. So no matter how modest she dresses, guys look at her b/c she is good at getting them to do that. My point is that even if a girl/women dresses modestly, if she ACTS immodestly, guys are still gonna lust and it’ll be partly on her head (I don’t think it’s entirely on her head), and it sure seems like she WANTS them to lust after her. Let’s just say, I hate it when she ‘talks’ to my hubby.
Anyways, back to modesty. Being barely out of my teen years, and having a major issue with ‘what can a girl wear!?! I still remember the conclusion I came to: it is important that when we try to dress modestly, our focus isn’t on ‘can I get away with this’, but rather on ‘does this fit my image as a young lady living to glorify God’ and ‘when I’ve worn this or something like it before, was I drawing too much attention to my body’
(b/c I once wore something I thought was decent, and then the guys at college tried to throw stuff down my blouse. Then I asked older brother ‘is this… uh, is it too sexy?’ He told me it was very flattering and suggested maybe I didn’t want to wear it to school any more.)
As far as dressing for dates with hubby, here’s my favorite thing to do – I prefer ‘take out’ dates where we get food, and then come home and I can throw on a miniskrt and bikini top! It’s cozier and more fun.
But I do sometimes, when we go out somewhere, wear something slightly less modest than usual, as long as hubby and I both feel I’m adequately covered, b/c I figure as long as I don’t look very provacative, men aren’t gonna look at a chick if some strong, tall guy has his arm around her 🙂
As a man I would have to say that I respect that someone is thinking about us. While it is true that many of the temptations we face are self inflicted please know that how some females dress either adds or distracts from the issue. That being said, yes body type has a great deal to do with everything. I once heard a minister mention that if young women are talking to a group of taller men that should be aware of their neckline. (This was amened by one of Christian Brothers)
That being said, if you have to ask then, I personally feel you already knew the answer. While I have graduated from the school of the Holy Turn, I do have to be careful.
When you wear something revealing remember that you are going to have a lot of eyes on you, and not just men. I have overheard many females in the church verbally tear apart another member because she was out in public wearing something they thought was prevocative. While I completely disagree with this behavior, I also know that it happens every Sunday, across America.
As a professional who works with couples on ways to increase the intimacy and passion in their relationships, I always find it interesting when Christians are terrified to “allow their brother to stumble” when we, as the Church, have done this very thing for decades (perhaps centuries?). Our refusal to discuss the issues surrounding our most intimate lives has led untold thousands of our brothers and sisters to stumble into marital dysfunction and divorce. We have done far more damage by refusing to discuss these issues than was ever done by a woman dressing inappropriately.
When I was beginning my practice, the most heartbreaking story that I heard was of a young, vibrant Christian couple who were married for three years. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple and were shocked when the couple announced their divorce. The cause of their divorce – they had never consummated their marriage. (I would love to say this is rare, but I have run across it many times over the years). In this instance, the wife had physiological issues which needed to be surgically corrected, but the couple had felt too ashamed to talk to anyone about the issue until it was too late. The ramification of a sexless marriage had taken its toll and they parted ways. The tragedy is that marriages are failing because we as a Christians create a culture which makes it impossible to couples to find a safe place to talk about their issues.
I say all this as a prelude to say thank you to Christian Nymphos for doing what you do. You are working to change our Christian culture from one of silence – where fear and timidity reign in our sexual relationships with our husbands – to one of freedom, love and true intimacy.
Your advice on wardrobe selections is excellent and I love the specificity of your suggestions. It is practical and yet leaves room for individual taste.
I also want to say thank you to this gentleman for not only giving serious consideration to this issue but also for having a relationship in which open conversation can be had about the value of being attractive for each other!!
here is a good way … dress modestly but wear uber sexy underwear.
i am not afraid of showing my body actually, it is not one of my hangups, i do not think nudity is a sin or being topless on a beach is a sin or anything like that. that said, i am a yankee girl, and a teacher, so i have to dress modestly. it is a rule … yankee teachers have to dress in fashionable long skirts and nice blouses from ann taylor and nieman marcus 🙂
but i very often wear stockings underneath. why?
to drive my hubby crazy … i don’t know why actually, but being outwardly very prim and proper and very sexy underneath is a turn on for me. of course i would never admit that to my hubby. he just thinks all women dress this way. lol … even if i wear simple cotton underwear, i try to make sure it is sexy.
As a wife, I have to say sometimes we do it purposely for ourselves as well as DH. I work in an operating room and wear scrubs all day also, but my bra and underware are always sexy! 🙂 Like you said I don’t have to, and no one knows its there (except in the locker room) but it makes me feel better about myself. Although a couple girls said one day, “you always wear those sexy bras and underware no wonder you have 9 kids” LOL!
My DH really enjoys it too.
I like to entice my husband with form fitting clothes also. Men respond to visual stimulation. I personally believe that no one should have to dress like they belong in a convent, but you have to be careful not to show too much. I like shirts with the back cut out in different patterns or a slightly off the shoulder shirt (with a matching tank top underneath). A good form fitting pair of jeans (but not so tight that you can’t breathe because then you’d be miserable. ) . I stay away from sheer tops and super short skirts. I like to dress nicely and look good for him. He may not show his appreciation in words but does show it to me in another way….:-)
I have struggled for years with just what is modest. During my prodigal years I wore outfits that were definitely not modest. Super short, super tight, midriff baring. When I came back to Jesus I had to dump nearly my whole closet in the garbage but I also had a hard time going out and buying “frumpy” clothes. My husband came to Jesus soon after and I started using him to tell me what was too much. I wear stretch jeans as they are the only ones that have a hope of not being huge on my waist which is significantly smaller than my hips. I wear stretchy sweaters at times too but not the super tight ones. I just bring it in the door and my husband tells me if I can wear it out. I have some feminist friends that would have a fit about that but I trust my husband to make the right decision. He wants me to look good when I go out but not too too sexy. He knows I don’t want to look like I am strolling for a man. I did bring home one summer shirt I thought was cute and he said that it was an around the house shirt. It sure works around the house.;) When in doubt just ask your hubby.
i dress like a very well dressed school teacher that ann taylor threw up on …
long skirts, nice blouses etc., very conservative but certainly not frumpy. i dress sharp.
but underneath … well … i prefer super sexy 🙂 it is fun. especially when you pretend to your husband that you just threw the stuff on … “what are you staring at? i always wear stockings” lol
Just happened to see your comment, Wynterr – I have the same problem with Jeans.
Anyways, Fashion Bug has what are called ‘right fit’ jeans, and one of their styles is ‘curvy’ for those of us w/ bigger hips (or should I say small waists. Sounds better that way, lol). ANyways, I found them a year ago and I love them. Saves me hours of trying on jeans at the mall hoping for something that fits decently.
you can shop online if there isn’t a store near you.
I don’t work for the store or anything, I just really like the jeans and wanted to pass it on.
Thanks so much for the tip hisgirl. I will be checking that out and yes we just have petite waists, definitely not big hips!LOL I love that I can shop online and if I can avoid the frustration of jeans shopping when after hours nothing fits I will do so. Thanks again!
lisab – Sorry if that came out nasty about the frumpy comment. After dressing like a tramp (for lack of a better word), conservative seemed frumpy. I now know better. I like elegance and class now too. I also appreciate men talking to me not my body and women talk to me now when they wouldn’t before. I am like you, I still like sexy underneath. I will never lose that. I will be in the old folks home wearing lace thongs!lol
That’s very funny Wynterr!! Me too I love sexy underware and lingerie. My whole top drawer is filled with just bras and panties. Probably over 50 pair and no cotton! Uh-oh I think I may have an addiction!
Man, I wish I could find a sexy nursing bra. Anybody ever heard of one?
Probably not.
Although at this point, any nursing bra that fit properly would be nice…
Nothing just looks super sexy on right now…
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. But, I feel like I looked sexier pregnant than I do one month after… mostly it’s about my clothes though…
hisgirl, I totally felt sexier pregnant than I did shortly after too. At least when I was pregnant everything was tight, lol. After: just flabby. 🙂 I used to just wear regular bras, and lift them up to nurse. To me that was easier than fooling with snaps and stuff. Don’t worry…this phase in your life won’t last forever, and it’s worth it.
I bet if you flashed your hubby with your nursing bra on, he wouldn’t complain. 🙂
His Girl,
Try birthandbaby.com for a very large selection of nursing bras in a large range of styles, sizes and prices. Some are pretty sexy, and you can purchase matching panties/thongs with some of them too.
No, I have no financial interest in this company. It’s just the only place I can find nursing bras in my size + they have $1 shipping on each order.
Hope the Spice Girls don’t mind me plugging this company. Just trying to help out. 🙂
You girls are SO wonderful! Once again you come through with a marvelous post that is practical and spot on! Thank you for reaffirming the fact that our salvation is secure because our Jesus is THE ROCK!! We’re not trusting in what we do, but in who He is! Beyond that, I loved that you gave some practical examples of what you consider modest and what you believe is husband-only apparel. Y’all are such a blessing!
Also, thanks to everyone who chimed in. I read everything you all said… found it fascinating! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspectives! God bless you all as you strive to please Him in this area! 😀
Thanks, ladies 🙂 I’ll check out that company, too!
I have to laugh at the running outside naked comments! We live way out in the country(36 miles from town) and our nearest neighbor is about 1/4-1/2 mile away. Cracks me up that all my neighbors say if you can’t go out in the buff your neighbors are toooooo close!
Hey all… I’m LOVING this topic! There are a few times when I’ve looked at my wardrobe and said “wow, I’m my Grandmother” But that was when I was still in High School. I was a PK so modest was DEMANDED, not by my father, but by the community. My sister was “the rebelious one” and wore hooker boots and jeans that she had to lay down on the bed to get buttoned. But I was always the t-shirt and jeans or Turtleneck under a blouse kinda girl. I still don’t own a skirt that goes above mid-calf.
But now that I’m married, things have come out of the closet that i didn’t realize I had! I’m a larger busted girl with a TINY waist and used to be afraid of showing cleavage at all. Not so much now that I have someone to show off to. Before I was always afraid that I’d accidently give a guy the wrong impression and now that impression is the RIGHT impression for my husband.
I’m a Stay-At-Home-Mom and don’t get out a lot so what I wear around the house is my more sexy-type clothing with lower cut shirts (that I always used to wear something underneath) and sexy (or no) underwear that is just for my husband.
When we do go out it depends on what we’re doing. If we’re on a date (you know once every few months we’ll go to a nice restaurant) the low-cut cleavage shirts come out because I know my husband likes them and seeing me with a man generally diverts other guys’ eyes automatically. I don’t know if it works one-hundred percent of the time, but between my husband by my side and the baby in one of our arms, most of the guys don’t spend too much time looking at me.
Help! This is something I struggle with. Well, not so much the concept… more so the finding of something appropriate to wear. I have a bigger chest, so I can’t really do the low cut necklines, but I can’t find a happy medium. I’m either all “fally outy” or all covered up! I want to wear cute shirts and cami’s, but nothing fits me right. If it’s cute, it’s too low, but if it’s a decent cut, then it looks like something my mom would wear. Does anyone else have this problem?!?
I have a similar problem. What about a neckline like this:
This is nice too and if you can slip a cami underneath you can determine how much cleavage you show:
I have the same problem. I wear a lot of the lower cut shirts that have a pretty cami built in. Another option are v neck sweaters with a crew neck t-shirt under them. Not sexy, but fashionable.
Super cute! Thanks!
Another option is wearing something sexy that only your husband knows about. I put on a leopard print, very low-cut push up bra underneath a blouse. Flashed it to my husband so he knows what’s under my modest shirt. He just left for a meeting, and it will give him something to look forward to when he gets home. It’s super sexy, but he’s the only one that knows it is there.
“Righteous living will be the result of our sanctification, but is not a requirement for our salvation.”-
once you are saved, you’re saved but a holy walk, a close walk w/ god is what he commands of his saints. we are supposed to represent for god at all times
godly women need to dress appropriately in public. the viewpoints of what’s appropriate vary but i feel as long as the clothes that hug your curves don’t show your private parts either sitting, standing, or bending over youre good to go
I agree totally to the last paragraph! My husband and I were part of a church who were primarily older and very conservative and couldn’t stand me having any leg showing or even shoulders for that matter. I wanted to dress nicely for my husband and it made me end up feeling like I was being forced to dress frumpy and not accepted as me. (I’m 25) I do have my limits, but I don’t see what the problem is if the parts you only want your husband to see are covered. We eventually ended up leaving that church and have found one that fits us much better that accepts people as they are and doesn’t try to make them fit into their mold.
My thinking is this, and I know it differs from that of many, but our bodies are our own. Any person who has lustful thoughts of me when i am dressing in what i believe to be modest, is not my responsibility. if he has a lustful though and keeps it to himself, it isn’t my concern. and if a red dress cut lower than my collar bone will set him off , well, then he needs counseling. I am not happy with the way that some churches hypersexualize a woman’s body, pushing her into wearing clothing she isn’t happy with, and force us women to be the gatekeepers of every man’s chastity. That is not what my Father in Heaven wants for me or any of his children. In summary, if they can’t handle it, it’s their problem, not yours. Just my $ 0.02
I agree with you. This topic has been an ongoing conversation between my husband and myself. I was worried about modesty and causing people to sin, but if they sin, it’s still THEIR sin. It’s also interesting to me that we can come up with all of these rules about what is okay and what is not just based on our culture and how we feel. As was stated we do not loose our salvation from dressing in a certain way. So why do people worry about it so much? The bible does say however, that our bodies are gifts for our husbands (and vice versa). If my husband wants me to wear a short skirt for him, in public… there is nothing in the Bible saying it is wrong, but rather that it is right to please, honor, and obey our husband, to give our body as a gift. I don’t know why modesty has its own culture-based inserted book in the Bible when really, not much is said about it. We keep saying that what we wear is NOT a sin, that when people sin against us, it’s not our sin, and yet… we still go on and on about modesty. It’s time to go on and on about our husbands, and how we are perfectly made by God. If you go out dressed provocatively just trying to make people sin, then yes you are sinning. But if you are with your husband, doing what he asks and what pleases him I see no real reason why that is displeasing to God.
What makes you think that you have the right to choose what you wear, how you wear it, when you wear it, and where you wear it? Some men will NOT be satisfied by your nice clothes hidden by more clothes. Some men will have different ideas than you. What’s more important? Him? What the Bible states? Or what other people think of you? “The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:4 There will be other pretty women that will dress in the way he wants that he will notice. Why not keep his eye on you and fill his mind with images of you?
I tend to disagree with the advice given above. First of all, the Bible gives no indication that righteous living is not a requirement of salvation. We are saved by grace and grace alone but that grace also instructs us to “deny ungodliness and worldly lusts, live soberly, righteously and godly in the present age as we look for Christ’s second coming” Titus 2:11-13. So does that mean it doesn’t bother whether we live righteously or not? Lets remember that dear sisters that God says “Be holy coz am holy” Holiness then is being righteous in Christ’s strength. Let there be no doubt that righteous living has to do with our salvation. If not, then the word sin ceases to exist and the we make God a liar to cherish our sinful indulgences.We can then live the way we want to (drink, dress, orgies, parties) and still be saved. Oh! Let us not be deceived. Can a woman who dressess provocatively lose her salvation?? In the first place, it means she hasn’t understood the gospel message to the core. Why? “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel with propriety and moderation not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing but which is proper for women professing godliness with good works.” I Timothy 2;9-10Here in lies the Bible standard for dressing. Simplicity and modesty of dress is required of us all whether its during the day or at night with our husbands. Does our Christian influence cease when we go out on a date with our husbands so that we dress provocatively, God forbid. We ought to walk circumspectly before God and man, that is the essence of the gospel and not just being holy on one day of the week. That i believe is hypocrisy. Let us not be the one whom Jesus says “I never knew you:depart from me you who practice lawlessness.” We ought to dress differently from the world and God says so in his word. “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2. Lets us also remember that us long as we live, our words and acts are an influence either for good or bad. How shall we witness to a man we find on the street if we are dressed provacatively? We are our brother’s keeper and true love is when we sacrifice our own good for the good of others. Lets not dress in ways that invite lust from other men or our husbands.If they have animal propensities, let them pray to Jesus for victory. How can we share the love of Jesus if our minds are warped up with dress? We do not need to dress revealing garments to please our husbands. True beauty is found in modesty and this will respark passion in marriage.. Its by fashion that Satan seeks to ensnare us. God says dress modestly always Satan says dress immodestly some days. Its by the love of dress that our spirituality is attacked. Follow the demands of fashion and you become its slave, your prayer life goes down and we have no time to read Scriptures. Its against the Bible to advice women to dress sexy when Jesus himself and all apostles championed modesty and simplicity. You will be shocked to know that in OT times, God hated revealing garments worn by women.(Isaiah 3:21) God is clear on the issue of dress. Let us take our Bibles and search the truth. Let us go to Jesus and ask Him whether what is in the wardrobe is pleasing to Him. Let us seek His approval not mans. When we pursue the beauty of holiness as revealed in Jesus, our husbands and our marriages will blossom day in day out. If our husbands are not loving us but lusting after our flesh then there is a big problem. Why? Read 1 John 2;15-17. When we abide in Christ by daily reading His word, we will not seek vain things like dressing sexy to make us feel good. That is depravity of heart that only God is ready and willing to cure. Dressing sexy is not only degrading but fails to empower us. Its a snare used by satan and is sin.Modesty shows that we have the moral courage to do right despite the rest doing contrary.Finally, we are the light of the world, are we sharing Jesus with our friends and reaching out to others who know Him not or are we concerned with dressing sexy? And then, if Jesus came out to town and asked to meet with you, how would you dress?With a Bible in hand and a note book to write down the precious words, would you dress in your sexiest garment or your humble, simple and appropriate attire???
You have made so many points that I disagree with that I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I tried to address them. It’s clear that we approach the scriptures from very different perspectives, but I thank you for sharing your opinion.
Thanks for taking the time to read. I would be happy to discuss whatever points with you based on scripture. And we can let scripture do the talking not me. Just that, i have been married almost 30years and i stumbled upon this website when reading some christian material elsewhere but the advices given here on a range of issues from christians using sex toys, practicing oral and sex, dressing sexy and all other stuff, is this really biblical??? I just had to say something.If God says we be separate from the world, how can we then profess godliness while enjoying such ways?? Please explain to me, i have been married for long in a happy fulfilling relationship in all aspects and have similarly taught other young women to do the same purely from prov 31 and other scriptures, but the advice here, has never crossed my mind??Please feel free to share your thoughts.
Completely agree with you!
I don’t expect that a discussion about our different perspectives would be fruitful. I have debated these sorts of things before and it always goes in circles. I am at peace with us disagreeing, and it sounds like you are at peace with how your marriage and intimacy with your husband has matured so I bless you. If I took the time to point out the specific parts of your comments where we appear to see these issues differently it would not likely convince you to change your perspective. Your opinion is firmly based in what you believe God requires of you and I don’t want to mess with that.
You are welcome to continue to read and comment at our blog, but I encourage you to guard your heart. If this becomes a place that aggravates you because you do not agree with our advice, the time may come when you will need to choose not to read our blog. Until then you are welcome, but just know that if you frequently point out to other commenters that you disagree with us, we may not approve those parts of your comments.
one of the things i appreciate most about this site is that it doesn’t promote bondage to rules and laws that are based on personal preferences or cultural influences. as a missionary i’ve learned that modesty has more to do with culture and society than anything else. it really boils down to seeking God and learning to hear his voice for yourself. if you feel conviction for something that you are wearing then change, if you don’t then go out and enjoy yourself. when we are in tune with God’s holy spirit he guides us himself and we can walk in freedom.
This is a very good point. Even in our own country, standards of modesty vary widely depending on where you live and the circles in which you “run.” I’m sure that the variations between countries are even greater. I too appreciate that this site does not equate personal preferences or interpretations of Scripture with rules and laws.
My husband and I are very concerned about our appearance because we live in a smaller community and am on the Board of our church. I typically wear a lot of skirt suits to church. So when we go out on our date night I can wear a skirt suit and no one things any different. The only difference is I will wear a corset underneath or a garter belt and stockings. I wear a lot of stockings because my husband is a big fan. I have a few pair of thigh highs and pantyhose but mostly stockings is what I wear. I’ve worn stockings to church a few times but I will make sure the skirt is long enough and not too tight to show. I don’t really think of the garter belt and stockings at church because I wear them so often that it’s almost 2nd nature.
I believe one should dress in a way to be appealing and yet modest at the same time. I personally prefer to have more figure hugging clothes and show less skin (that’s just me). I believe one’s husband is usually a good source of clothing choice for public. If my DH thinks it shows to much skin or is horribly tight I don’t wear it. Generally he never disagrees with my clothing choice as I grew up in a more modest dressing household than he did. Dress in a flattering, sexy manner.
I go shopping twice for new clothes – once to find them all and try them on (the hours long ordeal) and then a second time to show DH my completed outfits and see if he thinks I look good in them and loves them. The second trip we are in and out in less than 30 minutes so he isn’t bored out of his mind. Just bought my new outfit for the Fall/Winter – he loves it and couldn’t stop staring at me in the store 🙂
Honestly, it never occurred to me that dressing sexy for my husband could be sinful. I don’t mean completely throwing all modesty out the window…I mean highlighting those things that he likes so much. I guess I haven’t been paying very much attention to who else is checking me out, but I don’t think I really need to. If my husband thought I was dressing too sexy to be seen in public, he would say so (and has!). Besides, to me it’s about more than dressing in a provocative manner. It’s about thinking sex! I can make myself sexy for my husband in jeans and a t-shirt, with my hair up! 🙂 Which is a lot of fun, btw. It may be a good place to start if you really don’t feel comfortable dressing in skimpier clothes.
As for righteous living being a requirement for salvation, and how that relates to the way you dress……not a *single* one of us lives without sin. This is the reason we all need Jesus. We are made righteous by Him, not by *anything* we do. I’m not trying to debate this with anyone, just wanted to put it out there.
Exactly. It’s about dressing in a way that is sexy to your DH not anyone else. If DH thinks jeans and a T-shirt is sexy then there you have it. I’m not encouraging anyone to dress horribly skimpy just because DH likes it. There is a line to be drawn but it is a fluid one. Yes there is such a thing as showing to much skin but that greatly depends on where you are, who is there and the circumstances. It is hard to say yes and no to each outfit just by looking at it.
This is a link to a sermon that might be worth your time to listen to. It is not directly about this specific subject, but it is very much relevant to many things you have pointed out.
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/jesus-and-religion
I have been debating this subject for a long time. I can find scripture to support sexy dressing for my husband (who also wants it to be public). I realize that I was ignoring other scripture. I really wanted sexy public dressing to be okay because that is what turned on my DH and made him want to have sex with me. Our relationship is backwards, I am the one always wanting sex, and he is the one always turning me down. It’s really hard for me, and this was kind of a way around that. I am sorry for posting one sided information earlier.
So far the major problems sexy public dressing seem to be:
1) It would hurt my reputation as a Christian.
2) I am not fully convinced in my own mind.
3) May lead to temptation.
4) Could harm younger Christians.
5) It compromises my self-respect.
6) Focus on the favor of my husband, not God.
On the other hand…
1) My body is not my own, it belongs to my husband.
2) I have been informed that no matter what any woman wears, guys will be tempted.
3) I am to honor and obey my husband.
There is still a conflict and heavy implications (no more sex!) based on the decision, but it does seem like the weight of the first list is much heavier.
Please, I urge each reader to keep in mind these few things (I talk from very personal experience)
1.When we as women dress inappropriately out in public we don’t just cause a stumbling block to christian/non christian men we ALSO hurt the many struggling wives that are fighting tooth and nail to restore their marriages through their husbands struggling sexual temptations.
2. When we DO dress appropriately in public, we are not accountable in the way a man views us BUT if we leave our house KNOWING our clothing can be a stumbling block then we will still be held accountable before God not just for doing something intentially that will arouse another man but the consequeses we cause for those affected such as the wife/marriage/children sufferring.
3. My husband is very proud to have me be the talk of his workplace as “The Godly wife who who meets his righteous expectations” the woman who fears the Lord. When i’m by his side outside of our home he walks with a Godly pride and affection that says “This is my wife, she fulfills me, she adores me, she forgives me when I fall short and she doesn’t need to seek the attention of another man to be confident and noticed” I am not my husbands “Doesnt she look sexy/great’ trophy. To him I am his and his only, to be viewed at his own personal pleasure.
Yes christian men have a responsibility to bring their own sexual lusts under control but keep in mind, we all struggle with something in our lives be it a physical/emotional or spiritual temptation/stronghold, would we like it if a christian sister/brother told us to ‘suck it up and get over it” as they flunted the temptation in front of us”. I have watched my husband on many occasions cry like a baby with a grief and frustration like nothing i’ve ever seen before because a christian sister feels her body and “clothing style” is more important that her christian brothers battles (yes even in the church enviroment)
We as women can unintentionally hold a huge amount of power over men in our actions and dress. Am I saying we should all dress in sack cloth? NO WAY, I dress very fashionably and modestly as a woman but only in a way that will not intentionally cause a stumbling block. Hop onto any christian womans forum of struggling wives of porn addicted husbands and see the destruction for yourselves that our distateful dress habits can cause, our very own christian sisters are now dressing inappropriately to try and re capture the attentions of their husbands back from other christian sisters. There is a time and place and a way to dress for our husbands.
It is vital to please God first, yes, even above our husbands wants.
This post is not about inhibiting a christian woman but to point out thatour style of dress reaches out beyond our own boundaries.May the Holy Spirit be with us in discerning our Heavenly Fathers will.
I love this topic as I have a bit of a clothes affliction 🙂 You can dress both modestly and very sexy while on a date with your husband. The key is to plan your outfit and know when you will be in public and when you will be more alone with your husband. One good place to work your sexy style is at a dimly lit romantic restaurant. Pick a weeknight or a time when it is not too busy. I plan my outfit in layers. I like to wear a black pencil skirt that is a few inches about the knee. I wear a black shinny belt that catches the eye and helps define my waist. For my top I wear a front button sleeveless blouse. I also have a thin front button down cashmere sweater which fully covers my arms and chest. I have an assortment of shoes that look great and are reasonably comfortable. If my husband is as seduced as he usually is I make sure to plan ahead and match my bras and panties. Red is his favorite color. When walking in public I cover up with a long black wrap coat which hits me at about mid calf. When we get to the restaurant I take off my coat. We talk a bit and then I excuse myself. In the ladies room I check my makeup, unbutton my sweater, unbutton my blouse a few buttons lower, apply ruby red lipstick and reapply my favorite perfume. When I return to the table I take off my sweater, sit down, smile and watch his face light up.