The Importance of Thinking Sex

It may surprise you that although the CN girls are all focused on loving our husbands well and building deep intimacy in our marriages, some of us still sometimes have trouble keeping our drive up. I am one of them. If I get distracted because life gets busy or if  I expend too much energy on other things, it is easy for me to find myself struggling with a lower drive. And in my marriage my husband is the same way. If he is under a lot of stress or distracted by life he also finds that his drive is lower.

The best trick I have learned for changing the downward spiral in sex drive to an upward spiral is to make it a priority to think sex. Assuming that my husband is loving me well, because this is not as easy if I am feeling unloved, sometimes sexual arousal begins with a choice. A choice to think about your husband in a sexual way. If you find yourself in a place of apathy towards sex it really helps to focus your mind on sex with your husband. You might be going through your day caring for your kids and taking care of life, but if you take a moment to think ahead to the evening when you have the house or your room to yourself it can really help. Think about snuggling on the couch to watch TV or however you tend to spend your evenings at home and take it a step further to mentally choose that once you are there you are going to be an active participant in whatever happens.

After you have made this choice, it’s a really good idea to communicate what you are thinking to your husband so he can be involved in meeting you where you are at and you can journey through this mental foreplay together. Email, text or call him and let him know that you are looking forward to being with him in the evening. He’ll enjoy being involved in the process.

It may not sound as romantic as being swept away in emotional attraction, but if the alternative is continuing to allow yourself to be satisfied with less sex than is healthy for your marriage, thinking sex is a really good way to refocus you on sexual intimacy.

25 Comments

  1. before we got married, everyone told us that all the ‘exciting romantic stuff’ kinda fades away after awhile.
    Now, I’ve heard a bunch of different numbers for when this is supposed to happen – six months, two years. But everyone insisted it would just leave and then you’d get on with life as normal (and finally stop annoying everyone around you with being sappy).
    Now, I haven’t been married 2 years yet, but I’ve been married over one year now, and I’ve watched other couples, and I am now convinced that while the ‘exciting romantic stuff’ isn’t as wildly driven by hormones, you can still choose to keep it there – by doing things like thinking about sex and planning about it.

    In fact, because by the time you’re an ‘old married couple’ you know your spouse even better, you can make the exciting romantic stuff even more fun – for example when we were first married my hubby never knew quite how much I liked candlelit dinners and a candlelit bedroom.
    Now he does 😀 (guess I could have chosen a lovemaking-specific example, but that seemed like TMI 😀 )
    So now he can both choose to ‘keep up the romance’ AND he can implement his knowledge of me – to make romance even better than when we first were married 😀
    (hmm, can’t wait until we’ve been married even longer 😀 is it fun, ladies? )

    Anyways, this might seem random but to me it’s quite connected to ‘thinking sex’ 🙂

  2. I remember hearing the same things hisgirl as far as “It fades with time”.
    Like you I feel that the more time passes the better things get! Without examples he knows what I like best and I know what gets him going. Almost every time we’re done with lovemaking and just cuddling I say “why can’t the world know what we know?” I can’t imagine being with anyone else but you!” How empty the world must be… different person every night week or few months, years… How sad!

    To keep with the original post…
    That’s why I come to this site! Nothing gives me better ideas or makes me long for my husband to come home more than this site! Thank you CN girls!

  3. My hubby and almost always start our foreplay in the morning, by bringing up the subject of lovemaking for the upcoming evening. We send each other little emails, even quotes from this site. It keeps us thinking about each other through the day and by evening no matter how tired we are, we’re ready to go. Also by “planning” our intimacy in the morning, it makes my hubby want to help with the laundry, dishes, cleaning around the house, so I don’t have to stay up late doing these things and can get into the bedroom sooner!!

  4. I sure did need this reminder. I think a lot of my problem lately is work. My husband will ask me if I thought about him today, and as an administrator, I keep so busy at work, I never have time to! We do send emails during the day. I need to start trying to do this more often with him. I know he would love it!

  5. Whenever I tend towards low drive, it’s because I’m not thinking often enough about my husband (sexually!) and about sex. This post is right on!!

  6. hubby and i have two kinds of sex, romantic sex … including passionate i can’t believe we just did that on the kitchen table with your mother in the livingroom sex

    and everyday sex.

    hubby works nights. i work days. when i come home in the afternoon he is already in bed asleep.

    now, i do not mind sleepy sex — that is just me — so he has my permission to initiate sex with me even if i am asleep … i like waking up to foreplay 🙂

    but that is not the same as our special times together, when we do romantic things or plan something special. we have been married almost 15 years, it seems to work for us.

  7. excellent article!!! thanks for the reminder!

  8. Thanks so much for this post. I long to make marital intimacy a passionate priority but to be honest, it is such a struggle for me. A constant mental battle. Unfortunately, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and some hormone problems during some of those precious months in the last 5 years when I haven’t been pregnant or breastfeeding have had a negative effect on my libido. I don’t know if I even remember what my libido was like before I began having kids, but I know it was better than it is now. Even then, my husband’s drive was noticably higher than mine, so there’s been a significant difference in our drives since then. I find this site so helpful in getting me to think sex, because on my own I was really struggling. I need these reminders and other ideas to add some sparks to my marriage. Thanks CN ladies!

  9. I must say, I heard the same stuff too…that it fades with time. Well, we’ve been married over 5 yrs.(and nearly 50 yo) and it just gets better! It almost seems as though my hubby and I are in a race to do for each other first and best. We are always thinking of one another’s needs. But when one of us is tired or fed up with the world…the other is understanding and compassionate ready to rub the other’s back or feet. Sometimes that leads to other stuff…sex or sleep, whichever is needed most. But yes, it is fun and very connected to “thinking sex”. Those who grow apart quit “thinking sex” and refuse to put their spouse first…which sometimes may mean being patient thru an illness, surgery or other special circumstances (hysterectomy, mastectomy) not that I have lived thru that, but some of us will and have already.
    Life is ever changing…you can’t prevent it, but you can choose to Love your spouse with all that you are and choose to meet their needs no matter what the circumstances. It is a choice…to “think sex”.

  10. Don”t believe it. My DH and I have been married 22 years and over the years we have had ALOT of sex. Over the last few years it has gotten even better. We”ve become closer emotionally and spiritually. I agree that “thinking sex” reallly helps. I think everyone would agree how busy life can be, so we need to make a real effort to be with our spouses. That almost makes it sound like work-when i actually think it falls into the pleasure catagory. 🙂
    My concern is that at some point we stop putting forth the effort and sex becomes routine and boring. My prayer is that, that never happens and we are still going strong at 70 or 80.

  11. I really like what “intendedforpleasure” had to say on the subject…and I had an observation that I would like to share: She’s been married 22 yrs. I am 49 and have raised 3 children and am in great health; most women still are in their 40s and 50s. Our kids are grown or in college most likely…and the empty nest phase is not all that bad! In fact, it’s an opportunity to be “just the two of you” again…like it was in the beginning.
    The freedom to run around naked in your own home and not worry about anyone walking in on you is pretty awesome. It prompts one to think about sex a whole lot more often esp. when you know you can act on it at will. It’s like being on your honeymoon all of the time!

  12. Dear LSS,
    iI like that comment about being on your honeymoon all the time. 🙂
    Unfortunatley we still have a long way to go before getting to the empty nest syndrome. We made the choice to have alot of children (9), so although the first three are in college (1 even married) we still have 6 more at home. Our baby is only in second grade.
    Though I would love to be able to ML anytime around the house reality is we have to work around our kids schedules. Late night and early morning see to work well. A little more work but it still can be done.
    We try to plan weekend getaways a couple times a year. Yeah!! One is coming up the first weekend of Oct. and you cn bet I’m already “thinking sex”. 🙂

  13. Hey intendedforpleasure,
    We also have a larger brood with 2 away and 5 still home thus I empathize with the tough situation regarding having magnificent sex … easy to have quiet sex but I am so freaking loud in my enjoyment of my husband that it has caused me quite a bit of embaressment in our kitchen the following morning :-O

    My teens and younger children are wavering between calling their Mom physco or weirding out or having fun, AGAIN. Quite a quandry for me as you can imagine 😉

    It was a bit rough for them last year (especially for my protective sons) when they had to begin to ‘share’ my love and devotion with their traveling father. Being cold sexually gave my kids more of me but to my demise!

    Now they root for me when I have down times and am out of sorts because I have a higher sex drive and my husband is not able to love on me, as I crave. Of course, we don’t talk blatantly but they figure something is not right and are sensitive to my moods. I am truly blessed to have such amazing support from my kids.

    I am believing for a vacation weekend for my darling man and I soon. Blessings upon your weekend with richly fulfilling romance and loving.

  14. Hey there IFP, I think that is so awesome…9 kids…a quiver full for sure. My DH and I decided to let the Lord plan our family in this 2nd marriage…truly we have. We have never tried to prevent pregnancy; no BCPs and honestly tried very hard to get pregnant for the first 2-3 yrs. of our now 5+ yr. marriage. We have 5 kids between us but really would have liked to have “ours” as well. We prayed about it fervently and of course the Lord knows what is best for us. No baby yet and at nearly 50 yrs. of age it’s probably best…of course ya never know…remember Sara! May God bless you and your wonderful family and have a great time on your week-end getaway… “thinking-sex”.

  15. I never used BC either and God truly blessed us. I always wanted eight and God answered that, with one extra (a twin). Friens thought we were crazy not using BC but we felt it was right. I once heard a speaker say we should give everything over to God including our reproductive organs :). I know it’s not for everyone but our lives have been truely blessed. All of them have made a profession of faith and that’s what matters most. (Not always the quantity but the quality)
    I’m just a woman who loves God and fully delights in the good things he gives me.(My DH and my children)
    I can’t wait to see what’s next for us. We’ve talked a little about missions. What fun sex around the globe! 🙂

  16. I agree ^^ very true, I find also, that the less I have sex, the less I think about it, the less i want to have sex. the more i have sex, the more i think about it and the more I want it.. its weird in a way. def something thats a constant fight to stay above water… my drive will be through the roof if we are making love regularly but if we aren’t i guess I lose track of my drive in a matter of speaking.

  17. Around six months after my husband I were married, I started on a new birth control and it KILLED my sex drive. I can count on one hand the number of times my husband and I had sex that month. It bothered me that I never wanted to be intimate with my husband, and I know it bothered him too. He even asked me if i wasn’t attracted to him anymore – that broke my heart. I knew something had to change. I prayed about it a lot, and I made a conscious decision to think about sex. Whenever I found myself thinking of my husband, I took it one step further and thought about him in a sexual manner. In next to no time, our sex life was back to normal. =)

  18. ugh. the kids so lowered my sex drive. after fooling w/ them all day and them getting on my nerves, all i care about is myself and resting myself. no easier on hubby holding down his career and a part time security job. he’s always burned out too.

    i just gotta force myself to get in that zone. that sexy zone to even be open to the idea. of course, he’s always ready when i am : )

    i think when my baby girl gets a little bit older and more independent, we’ll get more quality time w/ each other. our time cuddling won’t be w/ her crawling all over our laps or my 8 yr old talking about school and spiderman. at least, that’s what im hoping for! things will get better

  19. Since I’ve been pregnant for a few years we’ve learned to enjoy each other with what that brings. Foreplay has been for us a sensuous belly massage and breast play (there has been plenty to play with) This website has given us creative ideas for positions that have brought us both pleasure. Our younger children just think Mommy and Daddy take long showers.

  20. Just wanted to know. Does anyone use the Merina contraceptive? My friend has one planted in. She has gained weight and she is moody and complains that her Lebido does not exist… I think Birth control pils / hormones makes you want to stop having sex.
    Anyone else have the problem? I keep on telling her that is is that ‘thing’ inside her – but she maintains that it stopped her periods and she can not think of having them again. Although periods make you stop having penetrative sex (if your hubby does not like it) – BUT it is time to spoil HIM… OS and and and…

  21. My DH and I recently discovered that not only did my bc lower my libido it also made me less sensitive to his touch and penetration…I’ve been off the pill for almost 2 months now…and each day gets better and better…and I thought we were still having good sex before I went off the pill, lol

    I’ve also been trying to incorporate thinking sex more on my own and happy to hear that it does help after reading this article, will make it more of a priority now:)

  22. I’ve had Mirena in for more than 3yrs (4yrs come October). Yeah it stopped my period for more than a year (Stopped the period pains altogether) and even when the periods did come back they’ve been next to negligible though regular as clockwork.

    I’m not aware that it has affected my libido or weight any; can’t really say for sure though until I take it out next month.

    The problem is the ACNE. My face is absolutely covered with them – Arrgh!!!

  23. I had the same experience with the pill. I had no idea it was lowering my libido so much until I went off it. If I had known 16 years ago (when second and last child was born) what I know now, I would have had a tubal ligation and been done with it – no hormonal birth control.

    I agree that it is really important to train yourself to think about sex regularly. When I do that, it makes a big difference in my interest level.

    I also agree with those who say it can get better over time. DH and I will have been married 25 years in November, and we are having the best sex of our marriage.

  24. I have been using the Mirena for 8 years now. Yes, I don’t get my period anymore, no I did not gain weight from my BC, and my libido is not affected either. I love my Mirena (and yes, I had my first one taken out and replaced 3 years ago) and I wouldn’t trade it for any other form of BC.

  25. I find that reading about sex (here on CN) makes me think about sex and that in turn gets me going. Otherwise, my libido has been pretty low as a result of using birth control (although I’ve been off of it for nearly two years now, it really screwed up my body). Thinking about my husband and the possibilities helps. I guess, for me anyway, sex really does begin between the ears.


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