Q&A: Web Cams!

“My husband (let’s just call him Clyde) recently pushed for us to get web cams for our computers. The idea of being able to see each other while talking from long distances was a big turn on to him, as I discovered. Need some dialogue about whether or not video chatting or exchanging with my husband videos of a sexual nature is advised. Trying to brainstorm creative ways to stay connected in anticipation that one or both of us may be deployed with the Army. Thanks!”

Web cams are really cool to utilize when one of you is away.  My husband has taken a web cam on his business trips before, and I plan on taking one myself on an upcoming trip where I will be away from home!  Video chatting is basically just conducting an Instant Message conversation while having your cams turned on.  By using the camera, you and your husband will be able to type back and forth to each other and see each other at the same time.  Some programs even allow you to use your microphone so that you can hear each other, and there is no need for typing.  This makes it even more intimate!

Being away from your spouse is hard, and web cam sex can indeed be something spicy that you can add to your marriage until you are reunited again.  It’s like phone sex, enhanced! 🙂  It’s wonderful for people who are visually stimulated, because you get to see your spouse doing those things for you that blow your mind!

My only caution is that both spouses make doubly sure that absolutely NO ONE can/will walk in on you while it’s going on.  Privacy is very important here.  Hotel rooms are one thing, but if your spouse is deployed overseas… it may be harder for him/her to be able to guarantee absolute privacy.

You asked about “exchanging videos of a sexual nature” with your husband.  (Of course, I assume here that you mean sending your husband a sexy video of yourself.)  Again, my only concern with this is your privacy and making sure that no one other than your husband will have access to it.  Personally, I would feel better with the live feed on the camera instead of emailing him a video to open on his computer.  Because if he doesn’t get that video deleted then his friends may accidentally come across it 😯

You wrote to us back in April, so one of you may be deployed by now.  I hope you have come to a safe agreement about what you will do together to keep your marriage bed sizzling while you are apart!  God bless!


  1. My hubby and I tried this for the first time when I went overseas with my babies for 10 days last month. He stayed behind with our elementary schoolers, and we had a scheduled family webchat (webcam + voice) every night after dinner their time, just after noon where I was. We each had webcams & mics on our laptops. The older kids could tell me about their day, and my hubby could see the babies, inc. their new haircuts and the different things they were learning. The babies lit up when they saw and heard their big siblings’ voices.

    After the big kids went to sleep and hubby was done with chores for the night, it was our time. He’d IM let me know he was on, and then I’d take my laptop to a private, lockable room upstairs. (We were staying at a relative’s house.) We mostly talked about how our days went, but every once in a while I’d tease him with a flash or grazing my finger just below my collarbone back and forth while listening to him. The second time we chatted with me topless, but by the third time it was on! We full-on mutually masturbated only once, but it was really good. 🙂 The last few nights he was exhausted after being up late doing chores… but we still teased each other those last chats, which gave us even more to look forward to once we were reunited.

    I agree with cumingirl’s recommendations of keeping it live and private. We used the video call feature of Windows/MSN/Live Messenger for our chats, which was really easy to use and already installed our computers. Definitely wouldn’t want a prerecorded video file around for the big kids to discover! As for privacy, not only did I make sure to lock the door – I needed to be more quiet than usual.

    This was our first time doing such a thing, and it was kind of cute how nervous we were about it at first. We did talk about it a lot before my trip, so it was definitely something we both looked forward to. Hubby was a little more unsure than me, so I made sure to let him know before I even left that it was going to be huge turn-on for me to see him touch himself. The other thing that’s kind of strange is that you find yourself looking at yourself a lot of the time! I guess I always wanted to see what he was seeing and how I could make myself look more alluring, lol.

    Anyway, it was a great experience – one that I’m sure we’d do again if we were ever separated by extended trips… or maybe even at home as foreplay? 😉

  2. What a great idea!! 😀

  3. I don’t think I know how to be sexy on webcam! I am so awkward in front of any camera. I mean, we do have hot free sex in person, but I can barely even write a sexy text.

    Any tips for a bashful couple? That isn’t into dirty talk? And i don’t know if I like seeing him mb. we’ve committed to each other to not mb by ourselves for over a year now… oh jeez. my mind is going in circles! help!

  4. Web cams/chat should be used with extreme caution. I know. What happens when on night your wife isn’t able to log on and you are really in the mood? Could eyes begin to wonder to other webcam sites? I “have heard” this can happen. I would suggest some precautions such as running a program like SafeEyes on both computers and each spouse has the others pw for the chat program and SafeEyes. Like Ronnald Reagan said….”trust but verify’

  5. Not everyone needs to use “extreme caution” with this. You certainly know your own boundaries and what is dangerous territory for you, but for another man or woman, having self control in this area is the same as controlling any other area of their sex life. Rather than everyone needing to use extreme caution, I say be aware of the things that may tempt you and certainly if this is a problem for you come up with a plan such as the SafeEyes suggestion, but if you are a man or woman where this is not a problem area for you and something keeps you from your internet rendezvous, think of other fun ways to direct your sexual energy on your husband or wife. Write an erotic story about an encounter together, for example.

    But I certainly appreciate the caution for the readers who have this as a problem area in their lives. We all need to know at which point we are approaching a sinful situation that we may become overwhelmingly drawn into.

  6. Mamma, I was a very shy person at first, too, when my dh suggested this. He goes on business trips out of town on weekends on occasion, and this has really been a blessing to us. You may start off slow and easy. As long as you are in private areas, try talking to him topless at first. My dh is very visual, so things would start going on from there. You could touch your breasts in ways you know will excite him or just rub some oils on your skin while he is watching/talking to you. It may cause him to try something that arouses you. I know for me, as soon as I was assured that he was chatting to me alone (like in his room by himself) it would loosen me up a bit. Sometimes we would chat while he was eating his continental breakfast and I would ask him if anyone were around and when he would say no, I would give him a quick flash of some skin! Take it slowly, do what is comfortable for you at first, and try to get a little bolder as you chat more frequently.

  7. One question…

    What about hackers and stuff. I’m so afraid some tech savvy person will capture the whole thing and then – bam! I’m all over the internet…

    I love the idea – I’m just worried about it getting out, ya know? Any tech savvy people reading? Comment!!!

  8. It’s extremenly diffycult to capture live camera feed en-route… But i would recommend double-checking your anti-virus, anti-spyware and firewall are up-to-date, as those would be greater concern. If all those are OK, you’re safe.

    As for e-mailing videos, i would recommend putting them to encrypted ZIP, if you or your husband are going to use your e-mail from open computer/network at any time. That takes care of sneaky kids too. If you choose your password well, it’s virtually impossible to brute-force it open. I don’t think anyone is interested enough of using tens of thousands hours of computer time to crack it open…

  9. Hi all, this is Bonnie, the original poster of this question (my husband and I frequently refer to ourselves as Bonnie and Clyde, since the Army takes us all over and we like to think we take every town by storm, making our home our hideout and looking for adventures to have. Thankfully, we are only outlaws in the romantic, innocuous sense, and we don’t knock over banks or anything. 🙂 Which is why I am so careful about things like webcam sex. I’m with b.girl: totally freaked out that something will get compromised and end up all over the internet. Especially being in a small town, and the military as small as it is, you can see the problem for a leader to feel like it’s not an unnecessary risk of professional reputation and personal privacy. The comment from Tech savvy was very helpful–can you suggest which sites might have a more secure live-feed than others? If your anti-spy/malware software is up and constantly checking itself, is it ok to use a free video chat like Skype or should you be paying for this to ensure it’s really secure? We don’t have kids, and I would never send it to his work email, so the encrypted ZIP file is a good one I hadn’t thought of.

    I have one additional suggestion for Mamma and others who may be shy with seeing yourself on camera. I told my husband until we figured this security thing out that I would not have webcam sex without using some kind of effect on the video. Many webcams have all kinds of effects, like sepia, black-and-white, antique motion picture with those crazy lines and blotches that give the picture a 1920s feel, blurry filters and reverse white-on-black effects that make you look like a figure that’s been sketched out on a chalkboard. I have a Logitech QuickPro, and the program has lots of cool effects. I found that I was way more comfortable using these, especially the ones that sort of stylize your face enough so that it’s not a photographic image by which you could readily be identified. My husband said it was very artsy, if a little more difficult to stay aroused for long periods of time. I guess sometimes nothing beats your true. living color, but we met in the middle, and he agreed that he’d rather have vintage webcam sex than phonesex, teasing, or nothing at all. Thanks for all the suggestions and comments, and I hope that helps someone be adventurous! –Bonnie

  10. Hi, I just wanted to comment on this. I am a professional “hacker”, aka I am a network security consultant/programmer. This person is correct in that it is highly unlikely that anyone would ever capture any live video feed. Technically anything is possible, but it would require more than the average “hacker” to single you out, and spend a good amount of time on doing so. And on that note, no amount of virus protection, or firewall will help you with someone who knows what they are doing anyway. I really wouldn’t worry about it. Someone who would have the skills to do something like this wouldn’t care about hitting your computer.

    🙂 Cheers.

  11. It depends, there are three areas of risk:
    1) The biggest risk probably is that your own computer is compromised. A hacker has than control over your computer. So up to date virus scanner and a configure firewall are certainly good choices. Mac or even better linux is probably here a safer choice than windows.
    2) The program you use – Skype has strong encryption, so it is relatively save, and works very well for video chat for me. But remember that the maker of the program has all the details. You can also google the program quickly to see if their have been reported security issues. For exampled used ‘skype compromised’ and this article came up: http://blogs.zdnet.com/security/?p=4133 . If you read it you can see that skype is actually really save, and that government employed hacker tried to breach that safety by hacking a persons computer (confirming number 1: your computer is the biggest risk).
    3) Man in the middle attacks – this mostly concerns your ISP but also if you spouse is in the hotel the hotel’s IT managers. Here again encryption like skype uses gives you good protection. But I would use strong passwords for your account, just in case. Also governments are increasingly recording and analysing data centres to fight what ever they fight. Unless you use very high bit keys on your encryption (which may be illegal where you are living) you can not avoid that. But hey, follow Paul’s advice: as long as you apply to the rule, you will not be sorted out.

    On the possitive note:
    Remember the internet is a big place in which your communication is a needle in the hay stack. Also remember that at the moment it is complicated for computers to understand video content. In that sense, video is a lot saver than chatten. After all computers can work out typed words very easily, but a naked image is a lot more complicated for a computer to recognize. All in al, if your own computer is save, I wouldn’t worry. (unless you are a celebrity of course)

  12. Sorry, but I don’t think adding effects gives really security – most of us aren’t good looking enough anyway to make it. Really, use skype, use a strong password (or better even passphrase), and run a firewall. After all, you do lock the room too, don’t you.

    But than, hey, maybe the effects are really exciting.

    ps – if you. like me, feel unsure about the safety of your computer: I use ubuntu, a linux distribution which has, unlike windows, no open ports by default. There is a christian edition too – which comes with ‘parental control’ out of the box. You can check it out here: http://ubuntuce.com/ . Skype runs fine on it and my web cam worked without even having to install anything!

  13. Hi guys, this is a real interesting topic. My husband and I are currently separated for the past 2 months and may be for several more. As newlyweds this is really hard. I recently took some suggestive photos and mailed them to him. He enjoyed them but I can’t help but wonder if it was a smart thing to do, in terms of being safe to transmit over the net. Any advice?

  14. My husband is in the army and we have been seperated for very long periods of time during our eight years of marriage. YES use caution when having webcam sex but I and my spouse enjoyed it. It is a way to still be intimate with your spouse when you really can’t be.

  15. My hubby has a memory card on his digital camera that he stores short video’s and pics of us making love to have when I go out of town (3-4 times a year for about a week each time). He keeps the card locked up where only he knows. This way there’s no worry about any other eyes seeing anything they shouldn’t. We try to update them occaisionally, so while they aren’t live chats, they’re still fairly recent. I like knowing that even though I’m not there, he can call me while he’s watching ‘our movies’:).

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