Weekly poll #14: Do you give and receive oral sex in your marriage?

44 Comments

  1. I can’t imagine sex without OS .

  2. why is she not comfortable?

    the answer to that question will make all the difference.

  3. Great question.
    I would encourage you to prayerfully consider that.

  4. me neither!
    So sad when I read things that talk about how evil and unnatural and homoerotic OS is … I don’t believe it at all, the arguments don’t seem logical to me, and frankly I feel kinda sorry for the ppl that do believe it.

    I give and receive, I often give more than I receive actually – but when I tell my husband how much I like it, he gives it more. Guess he just wants the positive reinforcement.

  5. It’s about equal for us, and a big part of our sex lives.

    Hey Hisgirl, havn’t heard from you in awhile, I thought maybe you had your baby and were too busy for the net. Keep us posted>

  6. I am willing to give, but my husband is not comfortable receiving. He also does not really like to give, but has on a couple of occasions because he knows I very much enjoy it.

  7. give and receive, I give more than I receive, but Im ok with that.

  8. I give and recieve 50-50

  9. We rarely have intercourse without any oral sex. When sweetonhim performs on me, it’s absolutely heavenly. Raising the kids, she has many days she works very hard. It means so much to me to give her tired body some pleasure. Sometimes she thinks she is too tired to orgasm. I consider that a challenge, and I spend plenty of time with her, often with great results. Giving is as fun as receiving. I really encourage everyone who is leery of oral sex to be open to it. It can be such wonderful part of a marriage.

  10. I can’t imagine sex w/o OS either. This is such a wonderful, pleasurable gift from God. Glad my hubby loves giving it, and I give it equally to him. If someone thinks it’s “gross” they should really try it and will be delighted.

  11. For someone who has a mental hang up about it or who has a painful past associated with oral sex, it may not be as easy for them to embrace it as it is for others of us. It’s not like trying to convince someone to try chocolate. It can take some work to get to the place of enjoying oral sex as a regular part of the marriage bed, and a big commitment from both the husband and the wife to lovingly communicate well.

  12. Thanks Cinnamon Sticks.
    Praise God I was able to tick the first box above when I completed the poll but it has taken work to get there! Like a year ago I would have been in “receive only”…and not because of wanting to be. As a young person I was forced to perform oral sex on an adult male (church youth pastor) and it has taken much prayer, therapy, patience from my DH and of course God’s healing for me to get to where I am today. I share this for those of you who may find yourself in this place too. There is hope and healing available after sexual abuse! I praise God that I have been able to reclaim this area of my sexual relationship with my DH.

  13. What a testimony to the character of God!!!!

  14. I’m a wife who *loves* to give but feels “gross” about recieving. He’s done it a few times, & it does feel nice, but the “gross” overrides & spoils the pleasure. So I get to give, he gets to recieve, we’re both happy.

    To clarify, as I think of JJ’s wife… I do NOT think the *act* is gross(I really do recieve sexual pleasure from giving oral sex) I think that *I* am gross. Dealing with all the thoughts that come with that just don’t enhance the mood.

  15. I give my DH oral sex about once or twice a month, more or less depending on how comfortable i am with the idea, it has taken a lot for me to get over my fear of OS.
    But he has only “tried” to give me OS 2 or 3 times in the 2 years we’ve been married, partly because i feel too vulnerable when he does it, and mostly because he can’t get over the natural scents and taste.
    Hopefully as the years go by we’ll get over our fears and be able to fully enjoy OS.

  16. That’s interesting, i never though about the differance between her thinking she’s gross over the act itself. I don;t suppose you have any ideas as to what you think would help you move past that?

  17. well that should never stop you πŸ™‚

    actually you are lucky because you have a specific hang up that you can work on, and you already think it feels good.

    a.) you are not gross.

    b.) physically speaking that is one of his favorite body parts!

    if you want to get over this hangup, take a bath every day so you feel absolutely clean and have him give you os. do not worry about reaching orgasm. just do it.
    if you want you can get something like “Wet: Kiwi Strawberry Flavored Intimacy Gel, 3.5 oz” from walmart

    after you do it even a few minutes every day, you will get over it.

  18. To illiciumverum

    This issue was huge in my life as I was also forced to give oral to a boyfriend before becoming Christian.

    My husband and I worked through years of sadness as we tried in vain to heal the scars. I would literally have terrible flashbacks EVERY time. I am ultra emotional and sensitive so it was blown out of proportion for me yet I could not get over the hurdle until my sexual awakening last year.

    I burst out laughing the other night, whilst going down on my darlingly patient and loving husband, because I was having so much fun and enjoying his taste and smell so passionately. I was going into an orgasmic state from doing him even though he was not touching me at all! He is so tickled that I am finally enjoying him. He has always enjoyed going down on me but I struggled to enjoy it. Now….well, TMI :- P

    Reframing my mind and allowing myself to go to the place that I believed only BAD GIRLS went to has freed me up 100% more than I was. I still have a way to go in other areas but we are having the best time of our married lives …. 24 years.

    Date night tonight…

  19. actually it suddenly occurred to me that if your husband gives you os every day …

    then he will probably want to have sex with you every day … oopsie πŸ™‚

    maybe you should try this every other day …

  20. GotASuperGuy, I used to have the same hang up. The thoughts were so overwhelming that it could prevent me from reaching orgasm.
    Things that definitely helped me get over this were showering before love making, that way I was sure that I was really clean and also shaving (or trimming up). That way i made it impossible for those thoughts to enter my head. This site also helps. Best of luck!

  21. yes, when you practice do not focus on orgasm. that is very important. just focus on how it feels and relax.

    orgasm may or may not come naturally.

  22. πŸ™‚ I shower aggressively every night before bed, I shave, we have flavored lube… Still “gross”. I wouldn’t mind sex twice a day, so that’s not a problem, and it’s not that it inhibits orgasm, it’s that I wrestle so hard with the guilt of him doing something I feel is “gross”, ALL pleasure goes out the window. Frankly, it’s not worth the “work” or “practice”- we are busy & I’d rather our chances for sex to be great sex, not disappointing homework.
    JJ, only you & your wife can figure it out, but she can look these ideas over, also, LOTS AND LOTS of verbal expression of enjoyment may help, but probably only if that wouldn’t feel fake & forced for y’all.
    Thanks everyone! I’ve really been so blessed and helped by this site πŸ™‚

  23. You know, I love your attitude. Our site is all about embracing who God made you to be as a wife and just taking the ideas that work for you. What a passionate marriage bed looks like for each of us individually is going to look different, and that’s a good thing. As long as intimacy in the marriage is growing, the process is between each couple and the Lord.

  24. Smokeypuss, what a great story! It sounds a lot like mine. Not just oral, but all sex. I’d just lay tere and act anoyed. Unfortunately I tortured my poor husbands beyong imagining before my awakening. The first one couldn’t bear it, and he left. It was my fault, and I blamed everything on him. I made a big religious issue of it and said he was perverted, and I made myself as ugly as possible to fend him off. It worked and he left and I blamed him. How do you say you’re sorry for that??

    My present forever-husband suffered almost as much, but he’s not as sensitive. He told me straight (after 3 years) that I trapped him and lied at the altar, and that if I had any decency I would go straight to the courthouse and divorce him. Only then did it hit me what I had done. Anyway, I am delivered from a web that I wove myself. Somehow I convinced myself that “frigid = righteous”, and I used it the same way I used all my self-righteousness: as a weapon to hurt others. I am Cain, the killer of Abel.

    I can’t blame it on church. There were many wonderful women who were a wholesome example for me.

    I’m free. And along the way I discovered that I LOVE GIVING HE_D! And I think I’m pretty good at it. It’s helped my husband forgive me! πŸ˜‰

  25. My husband loves to give oral – but I have a hard time enjoying like I think I should. Occasionally it can be good. Not sure if it’s me or him. This sounds silly – but not sure how to instruct him to do better, especially if it’s my problem. It turns him on and I want to be more turned on.

  26. if he’s open to it and won’t view it as you saying he’s inferior – send him this link: https://christiannymphos.org/2009/07/09/cunnilingus-101/

    I told my hubby – you’re great already, but I’ve been studying how to help you enjoy sex even more and now they posted this on CN and it sounds good, wanna read it?
    And it was good. He wants to help me enjoy OS, I just didn’t know how to tell him how to…

  27. After reading several of these posts, my heart goes out to so many of you women ’cause I have been where you are. This is my 2nd marriage, reunited with my H.S. sweetheart…we aren’t perfect, but are perfect for each other. We complete one another. We have something that I NEVER experienced in my first marriage of 21 yrs. and that is TRUST. He was so patient with me…Love is patient and kind… My husband focused so much on me, bringing me to a place that I never dreamed I could be. He would tell me not to worry about doing a certain something or making something happen and to just enjoy us being together. Well, that took any pressure off of me that I had place upon myself. Yes, let’s face it…as humans, and sinners, we have expectations, but if you truly want to please one another, you have to trust HIM (the Lord) with your sex life too. And you have to trust your husband. I’ll never forget the first time Hubby shaved me in preparation for what all he was going to do to me and for me. That was a first…I was 44 yrs. old. I had no idea what I was in for!!! He would probably tell you now that he has created a monster!
    Not everyone is at the same starting point, but keep a few things in mind:
    Do what you need to do to become comfortable…what ever that is… shower, lights dimmed, soft music playing, etc.and then just love each other. When you both give 100% no one is ever left out.
    Don’t force anything but be open to explore different ways of making love. I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to be on the receiving end and enjoy it. By nature, I think most women want to serve their husbands, but when that has been abused or we have been hurt, we lose trust and the sexual part of our minds and bodies shut down. This happens in great marriages when we all quarrel at times…temporarily. But for women who were abused in any way it can take time to overcome old fears.
    My husband brought me around full circle…it didn’t take long either. He was so ALL ABOUT ME…how else could I respond? We are really into giving to each other…when both want to give, both receive. We make love every day…sometimes 2-3 times. We don’t always do the same things either, but I can honestly tell you that I love OS…both ways. It is so intimate. I am so “in the zone”, almost unaware of myself, just ravenous for him when we make love. It’s a beautiful and natural thing…God given.

  28. My only caution: don’t get so focused on “achieving” something that although it is not wrong, and can be beautiful, that you sacrifice what you already have for it. For a little while, I worked so hard on this issue that we didn’t have a good time in bed at all, and it was ruining all the other aspects of sex for us. Enjoy what you’ve got, fully and totally. If time and freedom with each other lead you here, then throw yourself into enjoying it fully! Just don’t get all wrapped up in specific acts being superior.The goal and purpose is intimacy between you two, not feeling a specific way about a specific act. OS is not a milestone that you have to hit to be able to say you have an exceptional sexual relationship. True intimacy is key, and that includes total honesty, even if it’s “I just don’t enjoy that”.

  29. I am all about giving because i dont want anyone else doing it!

  30. It is a “Good Girl Syndrome” Issue for my DW.

    I have tried to help with whatever she says is the reason she is uncomfortable. She doesn’t think she would like the taste, so I got flavored condoms and flavored lube, etc. She thinks I am dirty down there, so I have shaved and trimmed and offered to take a shower right before. But none of those are the real reason ……

    I really enjoyed reading other women’s experiences here with overcoming Good Girl Syndrome inhibitions, and hope that someday my DW overcomes this one …..

  31. hi Smokeypuss
    Thanks so much for sharing.
    I am sorry to hear of all the pain you too have endured. Can totally relate to the flashbacks but what a testimony to the healing power of our great God that these things can be overcome! Amen to that!
    Illi

  32. I am the exact same way as gotasuperguy. Oral sex isn’t gross. It’s just rare that I don’t feel gross-even after a shower. They make several products that help with this but Wet is not one of them. Wet should never go on a woman. It has ingredients that can cause infections in a woman’s vagina, especially the flavored kind. Wet should be used on the husband-his closed system can handle it. As I said though, there are lots of other products you can use on a woman. But for me at least, I think it’s more of a mental thing. I don’t expect these potions to make me feel clean, even if I am. I have a thing with germs and I think that I am probably not going to enjoy oral sex any sooner than I will stop washing my hands so much. But that’s just me:).

  33. A lot of lubes have ingredients that can irritate or cause infection. We have used a flavored Wet product and it has never caused me a problem vaginally. Strangely, it is far more common for my hand to get itchy from it during manual sex on my husband as compared with coconut oil or another lube we have used, but internally, the Wet product has never given me an infection.

  34. Any suggestions from women who used to think OS was “gross” or only something a “bad girl” would do on how you overcame those negative thoughts?

  35. We’ll consider this for an upcoming article.

  36. Not at the stage I feel comfortable to recieve or give oral though definately not opposed to it.
    We married young (married two years in Nov.) and rather than rush to do all the moves of the kama sutra (or should I say oral-101?), we’ve taken our time to get where we are now. I’ve thought oral was wrong prior to marriage but futher study over this year and this site have change that. For now, we’re happy going along with this stage of our sex-life!

  37. It goes both ways in our house.

  38. I’m with Xenon. I give only as my DW is has told me she’s just not comfortable with giving me os. She can’t really articulate why. I’m ok with that and thoroughly enjoy giving her os. Maybe with time…

  39. assuming she has no moral objections or has never had a bad experience as some women here had talked about …

    it could be she thinks it is unclean
    or
    she is afraid she won’t like the taste
    or
    she just doesn’t know how — which is scary in itself

    try starting with her using her hand and see where it goes. go slowly and incrementally. this is an activity that has to be taught. she may just feel completely silly because she doesn’t know the correct technique. sooooo … i suggest starting by teaching her on how to use her hand on you … and not a two second demo either … a few lessons

    and you can reciprocate by asking her to teach you how to use your hand on her. that way she will not feel any pressure.

  40. I have to say that I’m extremely grateful that Mr. Sweetonhim enjoys giving so much, as it is the most heavenly thing to me! I have, since my awakening, gotten much more enjoyment from giving as well, though I give him what we like to call “Catholic blowjobs.” Basically, I do everything but finish him off orally, we then quick switch to PIV. He says he absolutely loves this, as do I. We are able to enjoy this aspect of loving each other, and still remain true to our beliefs.

  41. lisab, probably stems from her dominant mother and an older sister “coming out” declaring herself a lesbian years ago. She may feel that os is something they probably do. That is what she has told me a while back. Not something easily put out of her mind, I’m sure. She does enjoy os (to the point of O) given to her and I really enjoy giving her pleasure that way. Then when she is “well moistened”, we go to PIV for my pleasure and she says, her pleasure in giving me pleasure. Works well for us. I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything. We pray for an “awakening” for both of us. Stable hormones! My refrac time is frustrating.

  42. I’m not sure where to post this but I searched around the blog for a long time and didn’t really find the answer I’m needing. My DH and I have been married for 10 months now and after reading all over here about how much hubbies go crazy OS I thought I should try it. We’ve never done it at all so I was really nervous and decided to start really small. So after foreplay I asked him if i could just kiss his P and he agreed so I did a little and some of the licking and I was expecting him to go crazy like a lot of the posts I read on here said and he didn’t even hardly move so I did more pressure and tried a little longer but nothing so I stopped and we had a wonderful intercourse but afterwards I asked him if he liked it and he casually said yeah.. and then he said he couldn’t really feel it. Was I doing something wrong? I was so dissappointed cuz everything I’ve read on here pointed to that he would go crazy and it would feel so good for him and I wanted to give him that and he didn’t even hardly feel anything and it wasn’t that great. Now I’m scared to ever try again because I’m afraid I didn’t do it right. Help?

  43. What a great question. Try to let go of your fears with this. There are all kind of reasons why it might not have been as good for him. Maybe you stimulated an area where he is less sensitive, for example. Our whole marriage is an ever increasing journey towards intimacy. So next time the mood strikes you, try a new way of doing it an ask questions while you are doing it. Also, if you ever stimulate him with your hand, use those times to learn where he responds better to your touch. It’s all going to work together to make you a perfect lover for him. Not every move you make will work on him, but freeing yourself to communicate about what the two of you like and don’t like without getting hurt feelings is going to end up really blessing your marriage bed.

  44. Thank you so much! Definitely need to let go of the fears and communicate more while I’m doing things. I’m going to try find where it stimulates him the most. I loved what you said about it all working together to make me a perfect lover with him. Thank you so much for this wonderful site. I feel very safe here.


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