Position #85: Shake Your Tail Feathers

This is a slightly unusual position that can be difficult to do.  To start out, have the husband sit on the bed with his legs open and outstretched.  The wife will sit inside his legs facing away from him.  She then will move so that she is lying on her belly in the space between her husband’s legs, and her legs are both outstretched to either side of her husband.  So she is on her belly and he is still sitting up.  She is able to back into him for penetration.

It may be easier for the wife to straddle her husband (facing away) and lower herself onto his penis, and then lay down on her belly.  She can hold on to his legs for leverage and he is able to hold on to her thighs, rear, or hips.  There is a wonderful picture of this position found here, thanks to Cosmo online.

Pros: The husband gets a great view.  It offers a unique angle.

Cons: Some men find it uncomfortable for their penis to bend this way.

Q&A: Clitoral Pumps

“I am inquiring about the clitoral pump/stimulators.  They supposedly vibrate (some kinds anyway) Wondering if anyone here has had experience with them, and if they are worth using.  If so who sells the best one?”

I bought one a few years back.  It works fairly well.  There are many different kinds out there, but the one I bought was from Slumber Parties.  (Just search for clitoral pump.)  Let’s talk about how these things work…

The wife places the mouth of the pump/stimulator over her clitoris and holds it in place.  With her other hand she squeezes the pump.  It gently sucks the clitoris up into the mouth part.  The wife is able to pump it as many times as is comfortable for her, and yes, there is an easy to use ‘release valve’ that immediately releases if you get it too tight.  Then, once you have that part done, you can turn on the motor.  Most pumps have different speeds to choose from.  Up inside of the mouth there are lots of soft stimulators that should be touching the clitoris at this point.  When the motor is cut on, they start vibrating.  If you need it stronger then you cut it up to the next level.  The pump is supposed to bring more blood flow to the vulva area and specifically the clitoris, making the clitoris sensitive and aroused.  Then the vibrating stimulators are able to bring on orgasm.

Of course this doesn’t have to be used solo.  The husband can use this on his wife as well.  I have heard women speak of using this product together with their husbands, in an attempt to learn more about how their bodies work.  Amazon even has one that looks very similar to the one I purchased.  I believe that this would be a very good beginner toy or something to be utilized by someone trying to learn to orgasm.  I like it, and can indeed orgasm by it, but prefer stronger direct stimulation myself.  For that reason, I will give mine a rating of 3½ pepper hearts on our scale.

I’d like to hear from others out there who have tried clitoral pumps yourself.  Are you satisfied with your purchase?  Did it not meet your expectations?   If you have any advice for the woman who wrote in to us, please feel free to leave a comment!

Weekly poll #14: Do you give and receive oral sex in your marriage?

Interview with Lauren Jordan: Sex Therapist ~ Part One

Lauren Jordan, LCSW, CST is Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Certified Sex Therapist (through AASECT). She has been providing therapy for individuals, couples, families and groups since 1986 in her Dallas, Texas private practice. Her website is www.BoostYourLowLibido.com. She can be emailed at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com, or contacted at the phone number below.

Lauren Jordan, LCSW, CST

7557 Rambler Road, Suite 612
Dallas, TX 75231

General questions:

1. Explain why a woman or a couple would see a sex therapist instead of a regular marital therapist?

I wrote a blog called “I wish we had seen a Sex Therapist” earlier this year because I was hearing from many clients who expressed frustration that they had chosen to see a general Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) when they had a sexual concern like low libido, difficulty with arousal and orgasm, erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation.

They told me that they felt that they had wasted time, energy and money seeing therapists who seemed embarrassed even broaching sexual subjects. It is so difficult for anyone to go to therapy for a sexual issue, but if you get there and your therapist is literally blushing when you mention his erection problems, or your difficulty achieving orgasm, you will likely feel worse than you did originally! And that is precisely what these couples told me – they felt like they had already DONE a lot of therapy, and they were feeling cynical and even hopeless about tackling their problem. With education, this doesn’t have to happen to even one more couple!

Another problem with working with a MFT is that they have not had specialized training about sexual functioning, and sex therapy techniques. This means that even if they are comfortable dealing with the subject matter, they usually focus on resolving OTHER issues that may be contributing to your sexual problems, thinking that if these issues, such as communication problems, a lack of time together and connection, or conflict resolution skills are added, the sexual problems will JUST GO AWAY. What Sex Therapists know is that the data does not prove this to be true.

Yes, Sex Therapists do address other issues that may contribute to a woman’s low desire, or a man’s early ejaculation – but we know this is not enough without specific sex therapy techniques such as talking in very detailed ways about what happens in the bedroom, and in both partners’ minds and bodies; and then using carefully crafted exercises and interventions to remedy them.

Most of these clients told me that they had done so because the MFT was a provider on their insurance panel, so they had considerably less out of pocket expense. Most Certified Sex Therapists (CST) do not take insurance directly, because we are specialists in high demand – there are only a handful in the Dallas-Ft. Worth metroplex. Ironically, a decision that was made to save money, ended up not only not doing so, but had an emotional and relational cost that was incredibly higher.

If you have a sexual problem, see a specialist – a Certified Sex Therapist. Seeing a Marriage and Family Therapist is like going to your Family Practice Physician when you have heart disease and need a Cardiologist.

2. We sometimes advise couples to seek help from a sex therapist, but find they are very apprehensive about going. Can you explain what a couple can expect on their first visit to see you?

So many women have told me that their physician gave them my card a year ago – and have had a tremendous struggle with actually making that first call. It takes a lot of courage to call a Sex Therapist! One reason for this is that people are not sure exactly what Sex Therapists do and do not do – and some think a CST is actually a Sex Surrogate, who has sex with her clients to help them resolve their sexual problems. Certified Sex Therapists do not have sex with clients – ever! It is highly unethical, just as it is with a Marriage and Family Therapist. We do not have you do sexual activities in our offices, whether you are there individually or with your partner.

Sex Therapy is a focused type of talk therapy. We talk about your concerns. In the first sessions, we do just that, in order to get a full idea of what your current life is like, and what you would like it to be like. I do give a lot of homework assignments, which may be writing assignments, or non-sexual touching assignments, and usually progress to more sexual kinds of touching assignments – all of which you do in the comfort and privacy of your own home. There is not one prescription of exercises, as they are designed specifically for you and your partner to help you overcome the challenges that you have.

Another reason that people may carry my card around for a year before contacting me is that our society is profoundly sex-negative. Yes, on the one hand we are inundated with sex on tv, advertising, etc. But unfortunately, most of us, especially women, were never given gentle guidance and information about our bodies (beyond menstruation and reproduction) sexual functioning. The silence can be deafening – we are left to think that if no one talks about it, it must be very bad! This is how sexual shame, which I discuss a lot of my site, and with my clients, is born. It doesn’t come out of nothing.

If you have shame about sex – it will be very vulnerable and embarrassing to call a Sex Therapist for help with a sexual issue. First, you will be breaking the code of silence, about not talking about sex, and second, you may feel that you should never HAVE a sexual problem! That is a double-whammy! People do have sexual problems – just like they have relationship problems, financial problems, parenting challenges, work & career problems, and on and on. Thinking that you are the only one, and that you shouldn’t have any issues with sex, just makes it harder to take steps to resolve the problem.

So your first visit to a Sex Therapist would include filling out paperwork, then discussing your concerns, and then leaving with some homework to do on your own, and bring back to the next session. That’s it. You should feel respected, understood, and that your therapist seems to be someone who can help you. If you don’t, you might consult another Sex Therapist, as it is always important to feel there is some “fit” with your therapist.

3. Can you give examples of homework exercises that you might give a couple?

Some of the written exercises ask couples to think about how they learned about sex, and what they learned about it, to help them understand how it affects them today. I also use questionnaires which help determine what factors (there are many) are getting in their way of desiring or enjoying sex.

A common touching exercise would be to take an hour and take turns being the giver and receiver of touch, without any touching of the genitals, buttocks or breasts. The couple is also told NOT to have any type of sex during or after the exercise. Often couples have either gotten into ruts with their sexual routines, or have so little time that they rush through foreplay, and don’t take the necessary time to get fully aroused. An exercise like this can help couples reconnect with touch, explore what types of touch they like to give and receive in an atmosphere free of pressure to perform.

4. Does it always work best for both spouses to come together, or is there ever a time where it is best to just work one on one with the wife or the husband?

I have certainly worked individually with people on sexual issues, and it can work to do so. In general, it helps to see the couple together to get both partners’ perspectives. It depends upon what their concerns are as far as whether it would be an option for them. Of course, some partners may never be willing to come in, so individual or group work is the only option.

5. We know you aren’t a “Christian” therapist, but do you have any experience seeing women who are struggling with feelings of shame and/or guilt in their marriage because of strict teachings from their parents growing up, or from the church?

A huge part of the work I do with both men and women involves addressing sexual shame and guilt generated from sex-negative teachings from parents, schools, and religious institutions. Some of the messages were direct, such as “all boys want is to get into your pants” and some were indirect as in never talking about sex in the family at all. Silence can be a profound message: this subject is so bad that we will not utter its name in our house.

I find that doing the women’s workshops and groups are a great way to reduce shame and guilt. Women tell me that they felt liberated to be in an environment where it could be talked about openly with other women who have struggled as they have. The “I’m not alone!” feeling is very healing.

6. Can you share your opinion on what role masturbation could play in marriage?

I know that a lot of folks think that masturbation is wrong. While I do not share that view, and will respect a client’s decision about whether to include self-stimulation in his or her program to resolve sexual problems, I do think it can have a positive role in a marriage.

First, masturbation is a wonderful training ground for learning your own body’s sexual arousal and response. Learning alone can take the pressure off because you aren’t worried that your partner will get tired, bored or frustrated, or take it personally if you don’t have an orgasm. For this reason, I will broach the possibility of using masturbation as a step in the process of couples therapy. Some women (I say women because men usually begin masturbating in adolescence, and it is the rare man who has never masturbated) can allow themselves to use masturbation in this limited way, knowing that the purpose is moving them towards a fulfilling sex life with their husbands. Some are never going to feel this is ok, and there are other ways of working on this. I would never insist that anyone try masturbating if they do not feel right about it.

For women who have low libidos, masturbating can actually help to increase their libidos, which is the opposite of what one might think. Women tell me, “with so little desire, I should direct what I have towards my husband!” Self-stimulation can help a woman learn what she wants from her partner, and can make sex more satisfying, so that she wants it more frequently. It also helps her to acknowledge the sexual part of herself.

Masturbation can also provide some satisfaction when your partner is ill, traveling, or just has a lower level of desire than you do. It doesn’t have to take away from the relationship – though it can if it is done excessively.

7. What therapy options are available for men and women? Do you have group therapy and individual options?

Besides doing the individual and couples sessions, I offer Women’s Groups and Workshops such as “When there’s no sex in your city: a workshop for women on sex, intimacy and desire” and “Orgasm 101”. I have done workshops live in my conference room (up to 30 people), and by phone conferencing so that women can call in from wherever they are. Discovering Your Sexual Self small groups for women meet in my office and are for 4-8 women, usually for a series of meetings over several months. All of these combine sex education, discussion and homework exercises to keep you moving towards your goals.

I also have an eBook called “No Room For Sex: How To Boost Your Low Libido” which is available only through my website at http://www.BoostYourLowLibido.com.

You can buy the book alone, or the book and two personal email consultations.

I have had women come in from other states to attend a workshop, and I am likely to begin traveling to other locations to do my workshops. So there are a number of options.

Part Two of our interview with Lauren Jordan will follow next Monday.

Position #84: The Hot Seat

This is a nice position that is easy to transition to from rear entry.  The husband will kneel on his knees on the bed or even on the floor.  He will then open his legs up so that his wife has room to move in.  The wife will back into her husband’s lap (also in a kneeling position) and place her feet inside of his.  They penetrate and sit up together.

Another way to get into position is to get into your typical rear entry position with the husband behind his wife, and the wife’s legs inside her husband’s legs. He will then lean over and hug his wife.  They both then sit up together and kneel back onto their feet and knees together.  The wife is able to reach around and hold on to her husband’s rear or reaches above and holds on to her husband’s neck and shoulders.  The husband does the thrusting and has easy access to his wife’s breasts.  Kissing is possible if the wife turns her head around.

Pros: Very easy and comfortable position.  The husband has access to his wife’s breasts and clitoris.

Cons: After a while you may get tired of being on your knees.

Approaching the throne of grace

I got an email in my account a few weeks ago that piqued my interest. I get daily devotionals in my email box from Fellowship Church and Ed Young. It helps me to get into the bible on a daily basis when I read the verse he discusses for the day. Here’s the verse that came in.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16)

This is such a wonderful reminder to us all! We all go through times when we are tempted by something or maybe that temptation has already grabbed you and you are trying to get out. That skinny little avatar I have? That’s not nearly me at all! I’ve been tempted through my weight loss by candy bars, potato chips, fried chicken, French fries, pizza…you name it. There is so much food that I have given up to make my life better and healthier. I look at my elliptical machine daily and wonder do I really want to do that today, but I press on. God knows that I am tempted to skip my exercise every day. He knows that Satan tempts me by placing a dozen fast food joints within a mile of my house that I pass by daily. My libido? Not where it should be by a long shot now a days. Are you surprised by that? And as I am making my way toward premenopause and my hormones are changing and my body is sagging in places I least expected them to, and I get scared by dense tissue that has appeared on my latest mammogram….all of these things tempt me to try to take care of them my own way.

Jesus is able to sympathize with us though. No, he didn’t experience everything that we did while he was in human form on this earth, but he was tempted by things that we go through….lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, pride….I bet there were some very beautiful girls and women is his time…when he was a teen, he had to go through puberty like the rest of us. During his ministry, he traveled to the homes of sinners to minister to them. I am sure he saw and heard many things, but still he was left sinless. So he didn’t watch a pornographic movie, but I am sure he did see prostitutes on his travels. Knowing he was the Christ, he could have had every opportunity to brag about it, but did you ever notice this….in the Bible, he refers to himself as the son of man. I am sure he could have swelled with pride and screamed on the rooftops, “I am the Son of God!”,but he humbled himself enough to put himself on our level.

Now, dear ones, He sits on the throne of grace. He looks down on us and wants to help us with our problems and afflictions. There is only one problem…He’s waiting for us to come to Him and ask for His help. If we bring our temptations to Him, there is grace and forgiveness. Help in our time of need.

I mentioned above that for the first time ever, I had a spot on my mammogram this year. I have a story to share about that. Was I scared? Yes. Very much so. All my previous mammograms had been perfect. When I went for my annual exam this year though, I had a wake up call. My doctor spent a little bit more time in one area of one of my breasts, but didn’t say anything. I scheduled my mammogram as usual, had it done, and was called back to have another one done and a sonogram. At my second appointment at the diagnostic center, each step I had to take, I took it to the throne of grace. I told God that whatever this was, if it was something or if it was nothing, I knew that he knew about it already. I relinquished control of it to Him. I told him that I trusted Him and I prayed that He would help me not to doubt His will if it were something to be more concerned about. It was one of the few times that I could audibly hear His response. The song “Be Still and Know That He is God” sang through my head the whole time I was there. Through the mammogram, through the sonogram, while waiting on the radiologist, it just sang through my head. Dear ones, I don’t know all the words to that song, but every word of it was singing through my head. I couldn’t sing that song to you right at this minute. I still don’t know it. But I looked it up. Every word was there that day. God wanted me to be still, listen to Him, and to trust Him. He was in control. I did. I was pleased to find out I only had dense breast tissue in that breast and it was nothing more. I cried while getting dressed, thanking God for His grace and mercy. I let go and let Jesus take the wheel. He got me right where I needed to be.

Jesus is there for you in your time of need. Will you approach the throne of grace with your needs? There is no condemnation at the throne of grace. Jesus is waiting there with open arms. He is there for you. Cast all your cares on Him. He cares for you.



This article is the most difficult article I have ever written.  It is difficult because I am signing off as an author on Christian Nymphos.  Unfortunately, I am going through some personal challenges in my life at the present time.  They are nothing major but they are keeping me from being able put the effort into the blog that I have in the past. 

I would first like to thank you, our readers, for helping this blog be so successful!!!!   Not everyone can say that they were mentioned in several articles, Slate being one of them, and asked to do multiple radio interviews.  That was quite an experience, one I will never forget.   I have a feeling that even bigger things are in store for this ministry!!!

The only thing that is more exciting than the articles and interviews is the thought of how many marriages have been helped though this blog.   It is an important ministry and I am so honored to have been a part of it since the beginning.  Many of our readers come here looking for inspiration, encouragement, a prayer request and advice.  Thank you for allowing me, Peppermint Girl, to be a part of that process!!!  

Lastly, THANK YOU to my fellow Spice Girls!!!!  Cinnamon Sticks, Spicy Nutmeg and Cumingirl, each one of you mean something different to me and one is not greater than the other.  Just like this blog, all your individual support and influences come together so perfectly.  You all really do bring something unique to the table.  It saddens me that I won’t be sharing with you in this ministry but know that I am not disappearing and we will always be in touch!!!!  I love you girls!!!

Signing off with one of my most cherished verses from the bible……..

Corinthians: 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 God Bless,

Peppermint Girl

Weekly Poll #13: Do you shave your pubic areas?

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