Position #92: Standing Proud

This is another standing position that may be a little tighter than previous standing positions.  In this one, the husband and wife stand together facing each other.  The husband then lifts one leg and puts it up on the bed, sofa, chair, etc.  The wife keeps both of her feet planted firmly on the ground.

The husband may need to squat a little in order to enter her.  They can hug and kiss and fondle each other.   Both can use the others derrière to grab onto and help control the thrusting.

Pros: Tighter feeling for the husband.  Kiss and fondle as much as you like!

Cons: May be slightly awkward at first.  You may need to use another position for the wife before or after this one.

Tip: For couples with a large height discrepancy, try having the wife stand on something like an aerobic step or small stool.

Giving Up on the Good Girl

Disclaimer: This article is not for men to give to their wives in hopes that they will let go of the “good girl” attitude. Our blog primarily exists for women to find information on how to be free in their affections towards their husband, and while husbands may very well find the information here helpful, please use this to simply understand what your wife might be dealing with and pray that God would make you sensitive to her wounded or deceived heart. This article is for women like myself who love how God made them as sexual partners for their husbands and have battled with giving up the good girl that they were raised to be.

I grew up believing that until I was married, my sexuality was a bad thing. I didn’t have a good example in my parents of a loving relationship so although I began hearing messages in high school like “Sex is worth waiting for,” I had no grid to apply that to. I was a compliant child so I readily accepted all the teaching I heard about sex that I viewed as being from God. I was a good girl, and good girls weren’t naughty about sex. Good girls would save themselves for marriage and then have good sex once they were married. Problem — I had no idea what good sex was and I had a web of false beliefs about sex that has made it very hard to fully embrace my sexuality until more recent years. And yet still, this good girl mentality sometimes rises up to try to rob me of my joy and freedom. I’d like to share some of the things that I have learned that have been helping me in my journey.

To begin with, it is important to repent for accepting and believing wrong thinking about sex. Whether or not it was intentional, we still need to repent of taking and holding on to those lies. Then we need to ask the Lord to replace each lie with His truth. Be specific. Do you know in your head that certain acts are OK, but you just feel bad doing them? Do you have memories of specific things you were told, that you now know to be untrue? Did you get negative teaching from your parents? Friends? Church? Ask God to reveal the lies and then deal with each thing He brings to you. Ask Him to give you His perspective on your sexuality. Ask Him to seal His truth in your heart and to continue setting you free.

A short while back I wrote an article entitled The Importance of Thinking Sex. This has been another important factor in letting go of the good girl. Your brain is an important sex organ. It was in your brain that you began hanging onto the lie that good girls don’t, and it is in your brain that you will learn to embrace the truth that good girls do. Good girls grow into wives who possess incredible power to give and receive sexual pleasure. So use your brain to your advantage. Write erotic stories about you and your husband. Fantasize about sexual scenarios between you and your husband. Plan out ways to seduce your husband. Use your imagination to your advantage in your desire to let go of the belief that you can not be both a worshiper of God and a woman who enjoys sex. It may be especially helpful if you use some of the acts that cause this good girl thing to rise up in your fantasies about your husband.

There comes a point where you find yourself being challenged to continue acting in accordance with the previous mindset. Often you are so used to living from those lies that it feels strange to live from the truth you have received. Sometimes you will need to step out and try things that haven’t seemed natural. This isn’t likely to be a smooth continuous movement towards perfection. It’s far more common for it to be like two steps forward, one step back. You are going to try things and some of them will feel great and some with feel strange. Throughout this process, continue praying and try to take a relaxed attitude. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Another factor in all of this is that you need to be able to communicate well with your husband. Between the two of you there needs to be a willingness to be honest and encouraging. What do you need from your husband? What does he need from you? What are your emotional needs? What are your physical needs, sexually and otherwise? What can your husband do to show you love? What can your husband do to show you that he accepts you? Being respectfully honest with one another will allow you to feel safe as you embrace your sexuality. Your husband may be overwhelmed by your growing eagerness for sex, or he may be overly zealous in the excitement of you beginning to show signs of enjoying sex. In either case, communication is very important in helping the two of you transition through this time.

Why is it important to let go of the good girl? Well, for our husbands, we are the only legitimate sexual release our they have. Personally, I want to be the best I can be. I want him to feel blessed to have a wife who loves having sex with him. I want him to have the confidence that comes from being sexually satisfied. For you, you are going to find a lot more security in your marriage if you embrace intimacy and pleasure. The more you and your husband are connected in your hearts, the more safe you will feel and that is part of what sex does for us. The good girl mentality usually keeps us from trying new things and enjoying our sexuality.

So enjoy and embrace who God has made you. Have fun with your husband and don’t let wrong thinking rob you of anything God has for you.

Weekly poll #21: Do you use sex toys together regularly in your bedroom?

Sex As We Age: Interview One

As per a recent announcement regarding interviewing women who are enjoying a passionate marriage bed in the more later years of their marriage, today I bring you the first feature on this topic. The couple I interviewed here are both close to the age of fifty.

1. What changes have you seen in your sex life as the two of you have matured in age?

We have seen changes for wonderful and challenging..for me..I had to deal with peri-menopause changes , such as the tissue in the vaginal area getting thinner and working with that ( luckily my doctor believes that the more sex the better to strengthen that area and I also use a estrogen cream occasionally if I need it…)
Dh ‘s was diagnosed with Low testosterone and we had to deal with that..and some beginning signs of ED which we have gotten past now..those were challenges…but we also have more time and energy without having a bunch of small kids to run after… we have learned to “savor” each other more along with quickies too..and we have been together for so long that we just really really know each other which makes for some awesome sex.

2. What are the most important factors you have found to be supportive of a love life that grows in intimacy?

Sharing ..not keeping things bottled up…addressing even the “embarrassing” problems..keeping God at the center ..willing to learn and change as we age and not getting “stuck in a rut”.

3. What obstacles did you find along the way that you had to overcome which were attributed to aging? How did you resolve them?

I addressed some of those in the first question…but as for me, I now at this age, sometimes have unexpected or extended periods..my cycles are not so regular as they were before..,if we allowed it to, this could put a damper on our love life…but we have found ways around that..on light days we just put a towel on the bed..heavier days we use the shower or the tub…On those days that it just is too uncomfortable or messy for me..I will give dh a HJ or OS..and this keeps things sizzling for us and keeps sex a priority..even when we can have PIV.
As for dh, he had lost most of his desire..we were concerned about this and had him tested to find out that he had low testosterone levels.he is now on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) and his levels are back in the normal range so this has been resolved..he also experienced the normal occasional bouts of ED ..due to aging..by watching his diet and exercise and by keeping the lines of communication open between us ( this IS a biggie) his issue with this has resolved.

4. What advice would you give to a younger husband and wife to help ensure that when they are celebrating the silver and golden anniversaries, they still have a passion between them?

I would tell them to make there love life and intimacy a priority..things in life have a tendency to pull us in all directions..and when we add jobs and children and in laws and hobbies..it is easy to lose sight of where we are..we must make our spouses our priorities and our best friends..connection through sexual touch (kissing hugging etc..) and communication is needed on a daily basis if possible (if your spouse is in the military or works aways from home you need to be inventive in ways that you can “keep in touch)..and your time as a couple must be treated as important. You can not just expect to keep your relationship on a back burner to get to it when you have time.

5. How would you describe your sex life today terms of frequency, intimacy level, passion level and so on?

Dh and I on average have 2 times on sexual connection a day..for us this is a quickie in the am…sometimes PIV..sometimes I will give him OS..or he me…and then in the evening we always make time to have PIV sex..even if we have to record a favorite tv show to watch later..our sex life comes before that..and we make it a priority..
There are times in the middle of the night if one of us can’t sleep..we wake the other up for sex..even though we may have just had sex 3 hours before..and weekends are whenever we want.
As we have aged and have gotten to know each other so well..have been through may of life’s experiences together, it has had an unexpected benefit to our sex life in that we at times can seem like almost one…( Of course, this is how God intended) but at the beginning of our lives together it didn’t seem as possible to be “one ” as it does now.
Sometimes our sexual intimacy is slow and leisurely..I often ask my dh how he doesn’t get bored but he still after all these years tells me he finds my body fascinating and makes new discoveries about it every week…sometimes we have hot and heavy sex…and sometimes when we start , we don’t have any idea which way it will go..
That is the awesome and wonderful thing about sex..if you just let go and let it happen it has the potential to be so many things and never boring.

6. In what ways has your sex life become better in recent years?

The biggest change for us was getting dh’s health straightened out. Our sex life literally exploded when that happened. We also have more time to devote to us…it is easier to carve out the time now and we do..we take every opportunity to find time to do things as a couple that expand and develop out intimate lives.
We save up and take a cruise together once a year..just us..with no other family and we take that week to just totally focus on each other and it is wonderful..as a younger couple , we were limited to doing this on weekends..which was great..but it is even more awesome to have a week to do this.. And as I stated earlier..dh and I have been through so much together at this point..that we can take and discuss anything..nothing is taboo between us ..so that makes our level of intimacy and connection that much deeper.

Position #91: In The Groove

This position is very much like Position #85:  Shake Your Tail Feathers, except this version has the husband sitting in a chair.  It works best if the chair is next to the bed.

The husband sits in a chair and the wife will sit in his lap facing away from him.  He will enter her and then she will lean forward and lay down across his lap and onto the bed (or sofa).  She will let her legs bend at the knees and curl up along her husband’s sides.  The husband can control the thrusting and will have her hips to hold on to, while she can lie all the way down or keep herself up on her forearms.

Pros: The husband is able to give his wife anal stimulation.

Cons: Clitoral stimulation may be hampered in this position.

Q&A: Erectile Dysfunction

”Can you give us an article about what wives can do to help their husbands who have ED?  Techniques?  Positions?  Toys?  Where can we get real honest info about pumps? The sex toy sites offer 100s of penis pump choices. Do these really work? How can one choose one? Which ones are “novelties” and which ones are real tools (as opposed to toys)?  But it seems that the best approach would be a couple-based approach. Any advice or ideas?”

Erectile Dysfunction is the inability to get or maintain an erection.  It isn’t something that just affects men.  It can wreak havoc in a marriage and leave both spouses at a loss as to how to handle the physical and emotional stresses it brings.  It often leaves men feeling frustrated, inadequate, and confused, and leaves their wives feeling helpless.  Causes of ED vary and can include but aren’t limited to:

  • Head/spinal cord trauma
  • Alcoholism
  • Stroke & heart conditions
  • Diseases (kidney disease, Parkinson’s disease, vascular disease, & others)
  • Depression
  • Anxiety & stress
  • Obesity
  • Smoking
  • Certain surgeries
  • Medications (antidepressants, blood pressure medications, and others)
  • Low testosterone

Once you have sought medical help and have been diagnosed with ED, there are several treatments out there.  Usually doctors like to start off with the easier suggestions and then move on to more invasive ones as needed.  Not all treatments work for all couples, so you will need to be patient as you try the suggestions given to you, to see if they help.  Here is a list of several treatment options out there for today’s couples:

Lifestyle Changes: This involves losing weight, becoming more active, eating healthier, cutting out alcohol, and quitting smoking.  Also, making sure that you have your diabetes under control.  (Diabetes that is out of control can do permanent damage to the nerves in the penis.)  It helps if the couple makes these lifestyle changes together, so that the husband feels totally supported by his wife.  And just think of how much healthier you both will be.

Sex Counseling: This involves seeing a licensed sex therapist or counselor.  He will work with you and your spouse together, to try and find the specific cause for your ED and then discuss with you both which options/treatments he thinks will be the most effective in your case.  You can get your PCP or Urologist to refer you to a sex counselor in your area.  This is usually helpful along with other treatments, and helps you both keep your communication open.

Pelvic Floor Exercises: Remember those Kegels?  Well they are good for men too!  They strengthen the muscles and help the blood supply for the penis.  Check out this article for more in-depth information about how Pelvic Floor Exercises can help couples that suffer from ED.

Oral Prescription Drugs: This includes drugs such as Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra.  These drugs do not automatically cause an erection.  They simply improve the blood flow to the penis, so that when sexual stimulation occurs, an erection is easier to get and to maintain.  (So yes, wives, your loving hands and/or mouth is still needed!)  Uprima is a newer prescription out there that works differently, although it is still taken orally.  It stimulates the part of the brain that is believed to be partially responsible for erections.  You will need to ask your doctor for more information on this drug.

Suppositories: You may hear this called “MUSE” in the medical field.  This is simply where you (or your wife) use a small plastic applicator to inject a caplet full of medication into the urethra of the penis.  It is absorbed into the penis and helps increase blood flow to allow for an erection.  This is reported to be less effective than other treatments in most men, but is a good alternative for men who are unable to take the oral medications.

Injections: There are some medications that can be injected directly into the penis via a very small needle.  Your doctor will decide on the right combination of drugs for you, and then show you how to inject yourself (or show the wife how to do it).  I have actually heard men speak positively about this procedure, saying that it really isn’t painful like one may think.  There is more in-depth information about penile injections  found here.

Vacuum Devices: This is where you can use a small vacuum pump to aid in getting an erection.  You place your penis into the chamber and then pump out the air, which causes the penis to become engorged with blood and expand.  Then you put on a restriction ring (penis ring) to help maintain the erection and slip the penis out of the chamber to have sex.  It is best to get your urologist to recommend a vacuum that has been proven to produce results, rather than searching through toy sites online looking for something you hope will work.

Penile Implants: This is surgery to implant two expandable cylinders into the penis that attach to a small fluid reservoir and pump located at the scrotum.  You mash on the skin under the scrotum to fill the chambers with fluid, thus causing them to expand, giving you an erection.  The implants are all inside and nothing can be seen externally.  (Yes, there is a ‘deflation valve’ that lets you return the penis to its regular state.)

There are different side effects to all of the above-mentioned treatments, and so it is extremely important for you to discuss these things thoroughly with your primary doctor or urologist.  He will be able to look at your medical history and help you decide which option is best for you.  Urologists also are able to give you specific information as to which vacuum pumps are the most reliable so that you aren’t wasting money on “novelties” and toys that say they produce results.

I agree that a ‘couple based approach’ is best.  ED causes both physical and emotional ramifications for couples, and it is important to seek help together.  You are right about the many toys out there that are marketed ‘to enhance’ your sex life, but it’s important to get solid recommendations from your doctor about vacuum pumps and penis rings that are actually made to help ED and not just sold as toys.

Related Articles:  ED Part 2 (by Lauren Jordan, Licensed Sex Therapist)

Weekly poll #20: How important is it to YOU that your spouse climaxes during intercourse?

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