Giving Up on the Good Girl

Disclaimer: This article is not for men to give to their wives in hopes that they will let go of the “good girl” attitude. Our blog primarily exists for women to find information on how to be free in their affections towards their husband, and while husbands may very well find the information here helpful, please use this to simply understand what your wife might be dealing with and pray that God would make you sensitive to her wounded or deceived heart. This article is for women like myself who love how God made them as sexual partners for their husbands and have battled with giving up the good girl that they were raised to be.

I grew up believing that until I was married, my sexuality was a bad thing. I didn’t have a good example in my parents of a loving relationship so although I began hearing messages in high school like “Sex is worth waiting for,” I had no grid to apply that to. I was a compliant child so I readily accepted all the teaching I heard about sex that I viewed as being from God. I was a good girl, and good girls weren’t naughty about sex. Good girls would save themselves for marriage and then have good sex once they were married. Problem — I had no idea what good sex was and I had a web of false beliefs about sex that has made it very hard to fully embrace my sexuality until more recent years. And yet still, this good girl mentality sometimes rises up to try to rob me of my joy and freedom. I’d like to share some of the things that I have learned that have been helping me in my journey.

To begin with, it is important to repent for accepting and believing wrong thinking about sex. Whether or not it was intentional, we still need to repent of taking and holding on to those lies. Then we need to ask the Lord to replace each lie with His truth. Be specific. Do you know in your head that certain acts are OK, but you just feel bad doing them? Do you have memories of specific things you were told, that you now know to be untrue? Did you get negative teaching from your parents? Friends? Church? Ask God to reveal the lies and then deal with each thing He brings to you. Ask Him to give you His perspective on your sexuality. Ask Him to seal His truth in your heart and to continue setting you free.

A short while back I wrote an article entitled The Importance of Thinking Sex. This has been another important factor in letting go of the good girl. Your brain is an important sex organ. It was in your brain that you began hanging onto the lie that good girls don’t, and it is in your brain that you will learn to embrace the truth that good girls do. Good girls grow into wives who possess incredible power to give and receive sexual pleasure. So use your brain to your advantage. Write erotic stories about you and your husband. Fantasize about sexual scenarios between you and your husband. Plan out ways to seduce your husband. Use your imagination to your advantage in your desire to let go of the belief that you can not be both a worshiper of God and a woman who enjoys sex. It may be especially helpful if you use some of the acts that cause this good girl thing to rise up in your fantasies about your husband.

There comes a point where you find yourself being challenged to continue acting in accordance with the previous mindset. Often you are so used to living from those lies that it feels strange to live from the truth you have received. Sometimes you will need to step out and try things that haven’t seemed natural. This isn’t likely to be a smooth continuous movement towards perfection. It’s far more common for it to be like two steps forward, one step back. You are going to try things and some of them will feel great and some with feel strange. Throughout this process, continue praying and try to take a relaxed attitude. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Another factor in all of this is that you need to be able to communicate well with your husband. Between the two of you there needs to be a willingness to be honest and encouraging. What do you need from your husband? What does he need from you? What are your emotional needs? What are your physical needs, sexually and otherwise? What can your husband do to show you love? What can your husband do to show you that he accepts you? Being respectfully honest with one another will allow you to feel safe as you embrace your sexuality. Your husband may be overwhelmed by your growing eagerness for sex, or he may be overly zealous in the excitement of you beginning to show signs of enjoying sex. In either case, communication is very important in helping the two of you transition through this time.

Why is it important to let go of the good girl? Well, for our husbands, we are the only legitimate sexual release our they have. Personally, I want to be the best I can be. I want him to feel blessed to have a wife who loves having sex with him. I want him to have the confidence that comes from being sexually satisfied. For you, you are going to find a lot more security in your marriage if you embrace intimacy and pleasure. The more you and your husband are connected in your hearts, the more safe you will feel and that is part of what sex does for us. The good girl mentality usually keeps us from trying new things and enjoying our sexuality.

So enjoy and embrace who God has made you. Have fun with your husband and don’t let wrong thinking rob you of anything God has for you.

19 Comments

  1. This is a great article! It hits home and I find it very helpful. I am curious, do you have any advice for moms of teens (boys or girls) that will help teach a balanced veiw of sexuality. We push so hard for our kids to stay pure and abstain from sex (appropriately so) and yet I think to some extent we end up making sex a “bad” thing when the reality is that sex is an excellent thing, within the biblical parameters. How do we balance that?

  2. There is a discussion on this article about how to talk to our kids about sex. It’s such an important thing to learn to balance. My kids are young but even now I can see how there are these two messages that could become a truth to them. 1) The sexual part of your body is bad/dirty. 2) You can do whatever feels good with your body and you give it to whomever you want. Somehow with those two messages floating around, at any age, we need to instill in them a value for their body and a value for their purity. Talk about the why. And be a safe place for them to come with questions. Please hop over to the other article and share your thoughts too. 🙂

  3. Wow, I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this article. My examples of sexuality as a young girl were of my mother and sister being promiscuous, and that coupled with being sexually abused/assaulted really messed me up. It seemed like the only way to enjoy sex was to follow “what feels good” with whomever, and I didn’t want to be like that or do that, even before Christ found me. Over the past 15 years of my marriage, I’ve struggled with what I call my “good girl/bad girl complex”, and haven’t had any real ideas of how to escape it. That false belief made things difficult in my otherwise very happy and stable marriage. It seemed a dichotomy to me that women could be happily married Christians, AND very free to express themselves sexually within their marriages. It seemed strange that it would be healthy and God-pleasing to behave this way with my husband. And though it’s gotten much better, I still struggle with reconciling the fact that God created it and declared it to be very good, and believing it’s appropriate for me to behave thus with my husband! I forget that I won’t be “beyond this” in one fell swoop…that it’s a process to work through.

    Even now I’m at a loss for how to put into words what it’s like to get a glimpse of what it’s like to just relax and be able to trust God at His word when He says that it’s very good when my husband and I make love, and that it’s *okay* to be uninhibited with my husband, and realize it’s a blessing to be so, and do so. I really appreciate your insights and suggestions about how to move beyond this mindset–and for reminding me that, yes, it is a process. God Bless you!

  4. Good article, I guess I’ve always taken my upbringing for granted and I shouldn’t! Thank you Lord!
    Though I’m comfortable in my sexuallity and always have been I agree with the previous post, what a hard job this is to teach a balance to our children.
    I think it’s extremly important for children to see a healthy relationship between mom and dad. We need to let them know there is fun things going on in the bedroom, but at the same time keep those things private.
    I also belive church is a good starting point for youth to talk about sex. I’m working with our youth pastor + wife to find a good sexual purity program to incorporate into youth group bible study.
    It’s harder today because there is such an acceptance of pre-marital sex.So we as christians really have our jobs cut out for us, but I believe with God it is possible to raise sexually healthy children. 🙂

  5. Great job cinnamonsticks!! I was raised to believe that sex was an obligation you had to your husband and other than it being a bad thing you just didn’t talk about it. Rececently God turned my life and relationship with my husband completely around. We have researched things and experiemented wtih more ideas in the past 2 months than in the past 20 years. This came about because of a prayer I cried out to God. I had no idea that it was OK to LOVE sex with my husband, but God showed me other wise. I think there should be more out there to teach these young adults about these things before or maybe right after marriage. So many people go into it so blindly barely even knowing one another’s anatomy. Until about a month ago I had NO idea where a man’s prostate is, let alone know that it can be a very erotic experience to have it massaged. My husband is thanking God for the change in me. We are having a blast!!

  6. Personally, I hate it when my wife wants sex because I want it, out of loving obligation or whatever – I rather wait or mb. It’s so much better when she enjoys it – a real treat. This article may not be for a man to bash his wife with, but some good hints to help her discover more freedom wouldn’t hurt…

    Anyway, had to pray over a couple of things too when I read it – I think the discovery of intimacy is a journey for us all.

  7. Our entire blog exists to help women discover more freedom. You will find it interwoven into nearly every article we write. It might not look like you expect it to, but that is the motivation for us to keep this blog going. It’s a process though and for many of us, this is one of the stops along the way.

  8. I just wanted to say… thank you. I’ve struggled with this all my life and have been especially lately weighted under past sins when I did *not* live up to that “good girl” ideal. It has literally made me physically ill, from anxiety at times. This article and others I found on this site… have made me realize that I’m not alone. Thank you for such an insightful article.

  9. Thank you for writing this article! I grew up in one of those homes where we never talked about sex, and sex was always assumed to be a bad thing (or only meant for procreation). My parents divorced when I was nine so I never had a good example. I thought embracing my sexuality was sinful until recently. Then I came across this article while browsing your site. I never would’ve thought about “accepting wrong thinking” about sex as being something I need to repent of, and how that could be hindering my marriage. There are still times when I feel “dirty” having sex with my husband. I often feel this way when one or both of us is motivated by lust instead of love and the desire to be intimately connected to each other. I’ve been thinking about suggesting to my husband that we pray before having sex if we catch ourselves “lusting” or if I’m struggling with negative feelings about sex. Do you think this will interrupt the intimacy of the moment or the pleasure factor? He also wants to try new things and I’ve always been afraid of doing something wrong. I initially am excited by the idea but then I feel myself tense because of my negative preconceptions of sex and it always seems to show in my face, and although he says he’ll never push me and he still loves me and wants to be gentle with me, I can tell he’s disappointed. Do you have any suggestions for letting go and relaxing? I love my husband and I want to be more open with him and I do feel like this mentality is hindering our sex life.

  10. I am so glad you found this site! It will help you discover what God teaches about being intimate with your beloved husband. We were created by God to be sexual creatures and to fulfill these sexual needs within our marriages.

    You did say one thing that made me pause.

    Do you consider it “lusting” when you are attracted to your husband? Do you consider this wrong?

    The reason that I ask is that I do not believe that “lusting” (thinking sexually) about our husbands is wrong. God created us to be drawn to, and become one, with our spouses.

    Maybe it is a quibble, but I lust after my husband almost continually. His laugh, his twinkling blue eyes, a brief touch of his hand as he passes by me, the smell of him, all not only make me feel very loved, but bring to mind the many times over our almost 23 years of marriage that we have “known” one another.

    I have affection for him, an abiding love, and sexual desires that he evokes and fulfills.

    I do not say this to criticize you. I say this only to encourage you to learn as much as you can about what God really teaches about the marriage bed, and not the burdens that man has added to it.

    I am so glad you found this site. It is a blessing.

  11. I just recently found this site and it’s been so eye-opening and freeing for me to read about other women’s experience with married sex.

    I was raised in a home where we rarely talked about sex, especially after my father left when I was nine. After that, my mother kind of went on a tirade about men being bad and only using you for sex and how nice Christian girls don’t think about sex. What a lie that was! (and I completely love my mother so I’m not trying to paint her in a bad light, but it did negatively influence my thoughts about sex.)

    When I first got married, I struggled with feeling dirty too and letting go of the “good girl” in me. You mentioned “lusting” after each other. First of all, I don’t think desiring your husband is wrong or sinful in any way. It’s natural. Within the context of the marriage bed, sex is sacred and can be very enjoyable and beautiful. You are freely and deeply experiencing intimacy with each other in a way unlike anyone else ever will. However, I do think there is a difference between desire and selfishly seeking pleasure. If you are having sex merely to fulfill a pleasure need inside you without regarding your husband’s needs or feelings, this, in my opinion, is a negative approach to sex.

    Prayer has done wonders for my sex life. Not only does it help me relax, it also brings a deep peace inside me that everything’s good between God and I before I allow my husband to be intimate with me. Sex is more than just a mere physical connection. It’s an emotional and spiritual and mental connection. I suggest praying together regularly about your sex life and praying that your physical expressions of love toward each other are God-honoring, intimately pleasurable, and deeply satisfying. Prayer should never interrupt your pleasure level or your intimacy. In fact, it will create more and help you grow together as a couple.

    You also should be communicating these thoughts and feelings and fears to your husband if you haven’t already. The Bible talks about the marriage bed being unified. This means you two need to be open and honest with each other about your sexual experience as husband and wife. There’s no particular right or wrong way to do sex. It’s different experientially for every couple. Do what feels comfortable, but be willing to branch out of your comfort zone every once in awhile. You never know till you try. I sometimes go into a new sexual experience with these thoughts in my head: My husband loves me. My husband finds me beautiful and worthy. My husband wants to meet my sexual needs. My husband will be gentle and wants me to be comfortable. I deserve deeply fulfilling sex. I allow myself to feel pleasure. Just that mindset alone helps me tremendously.

    As for relaxing, my husband and I sometimes take the bed by storm, but if I’m having difficulty relaxing, we spend time talking together intimately beforehand, getting comfortable with our own and each other’s bodies. I find I’m not emotionally prepared for sex if we try just after my husband gets home from work. Spending time doing something together and then talking really helps me relax and feel his love.

    If you are fearful at any point during sex, remember this! “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment.” John 4:18. Also consider not all sex is going to be perfect. There are going to be times when you’re rushing or he experiences more pleasure than you will or you won’t be in the mood because you haven’t brushed your teeth or hair or have a million other things on your mind but do it anyway.

    Learning to be intimate outside of the actual act of sex has been invaluable in our marriage as well. Sex doesn’t just have to be for the bedroom. Sometimes I let my husband hold me intimately when we watch a movie together. The other day my husband had to make a long distance phone call for about an hour and we both laid down on the bed, holding each other intimately. It was an amazing bonding moment, but also it mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared me to have sex after the call.

    I hope my response helps! May God bless your marriage and your marriage bed.

  12. whoops! that comment was in response to where the stars fall, but I agreed with what Ann said.

  13. Thanks for the comments. I am just curious about married sex and it helps to hear others opinions. Beth, it’s nice to know someone else out there grew up in a home like mine with an absent father and a misinformed mother. I think that has profoundly impacted how I view men. I never would have thought about “lusting” for my husband being a good thing. I guess it’s because I struggled with lust for my husband prior to being married, and knew it was a sin. Now into marriage, I guess I still think it’s a sin, but knowing that desiring my husband is natural was like a smack to the side of my head. A good one. That reality is quite freeing. I would love literature helping me to understand right thinking and how to experience pleasurable sex.

  14. I have the same problem as you. It does sticks wtih me sometimes as I feel I am doing some thing wrong when I engage in different practises with my husband, eventhough I know it’s good for both of us.How did you overcome this problem yourself?
    Yhanks for your help.

  15. Thanks for the great suggestions you give all along in order to have a better sexual life with your husband. I have been looking in quite a few places on this site but even though many of you said you overcome your problems, I have a hard time to understand how you manage to overcome your inhibitions about sex. It does sticks with me as I feel I am doing something wrong when I engage in different practices with my husband, even though I know it’s good for both of us. A part from seeing a sex therapist (which is impossible for me to find a christian one where I live), how did you overcome this problem yourself?

    Thanks for your help.

  16. I’m surprised that no one has suggested the book “Sheet Music” to you on here haha — I see that book suggested all over this site! =) My fiance and I have just started reading it, and it brought up some good conversation. We are, on the whole, quite open about sex and have been for a while [uh, in talking about it that is, not in doing it! Not for a few more months!]…but the book itself seems really good so far. It is by Kevin Lehman. Another good book that I have but have not read yet [I’ve skimmed some of it!] is “Red Hot Monogamy” by Bill and Pam Farrel. I encourage you to pursue getting both of those books and reading them together if at all possible!

    Oh, and I’m glad that the thing about lusting for your husband being natural was a good smack to the head! =) I too have struggled with a lot of lust/sexual desire for my future husband…but I do believe that in marriage, it becomes good to “lust”. Great even; helps to keep the fire burning. Though, it isn’t really even “lust” at that point; lust is an objectifying thing, reducing the person from a person to an object of sexual gratification. Your husband is one with you; he belongs to you, and you belong to him. Your desire for each other is holy and beautiful in God’s eyes. So it is perfectly all right for you to desire him, to want him physically and sexually — and for him to want you. God designed us that way, and within marriage, it is sacred. =)

  17. Two things helped me the most. The book “The Gift of Sex” (which I read years ago and should read again) and time. The passage about in Gen.26:8-9 says that Isaac was having fun with his wife (kjv says “sporting”. Kinda fun description) and it was obvious to the king Rebecca was his wife and not sister. I think it’s pretty clear, without getting graphic, that something very sexual was going on and it wasn’t sinful or wrong. I’m sure they were simply enjoying each other. I can’t think of anywhere in scripture that we are told not to fully enjoy sex with our spouse to the fullest extent. The only prohibition is when it is outside the bounds of marriage. Granted, I still struggle with inhibitions after 26 yrs. I get self-conscious to be seen naked. Being verbal is something I’m working on. Letting my dh watch me do things sexually is still uncomfortable, but I know that over time that will change. Years ago I was uncomfortable with OS, but now I enjoy it. Just takes time. It has helped me to also examine myself and ask myself why I think or feel the way I do about certain things. Past bad experience? Upbringing? Fear? Only you can answer your own questions. I too am still learning.

  18. You are helping me a lot as I gain confidence with not doing anything outside the bounds of marriage.
    Thanks for your insight.

  19. A couple of resources I’ve found helpful: Mark Driscoll’s “Pesant Princess” series online. You can either listen to it as a podcast, or read the transcripts, whichever you prefer. And, “Intimacy Ignited” by Dillow and Pintus is a wonderful book that I’ve found helpful in changing my attitude about my own sexuality.


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