The second in our interview series on Sex As We Age, this interview was done with a woman in her fifties.
What changes have you seen in your sex life as the two of you have matured in age?
Our sex life started out strong, then declined practically to the point of non-existence. There were a few years in the recent past where the number of times we had sex that year could be counted on one hand. The past three years, however, have seen a miraculous restoration, to a higher level of quantity and quality than even in our newlywed days.
What are the most important factors you have found to be supportive of a love life that grows in intimacy?
- time together–alone
- a lock on the bedroom door
- transparency about likes, dislikes, fantasies, concerns, fears, worries, sadnesses
- absolute commitment to God, to each other, and to the vows you made
- listening and acting when your spouse “just has a feeling” about someone of the other sex
- commitment to be sure your spouse doesn’t “go hungry” sexually—if they say they’re hungry- they’re hungry!
- both sweet and spicy talk and touch throughout the day
What obstacles did you find along the way that you had to overcome which were attributed to aging? How did you resolve them?
Decreased stamina, increased medical issues, stiff joints, changes in speed and intensity of response. Keep a close eye on all-around health, take supplements, allow more time for sex, try new positions, use toys
What advice would you give to a younger husband and wife to help ensure that when they are celebrating the silver and golden anniversaries, they still have a passion between them?
MOST IMPORTANT: Find a way to be able to talk about sex—anything about sex–with your spouse. Write a letter, send an email, make a video conversation, talk while you ride in the car, talk on the phone, sit (or lie) in the dark and talk, but TALK! Get it all out on the table.
How would you describe your sex life today terms of frequency, intimacy level, passion level and so on?
Frequency is usually once a day–or more. Recently on vacation, it was more like 3-4 times per day. Intimacy, we’re closer than ever, and can pretty much bare our souls to each other–with fantasies, concerns, or confession. Passion is still very hot. There are still times when one of us will say, “That was amazing! What you just did was the most intense __________ I’ve ever experienced!”
In what ways has your sex life become better in recent years?
Because of a commitment to meet each other’s sexual needs, and God’s miraculous intervention as we both prayed to be the lover the other one needed, we have gone from a sex life that was basically dead to a frequency and passion that would keep pace with most newlyweds. Plus, after so many years together, there is a “knowingness” to our intimacy that can only come with time.
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Christian Nymphos 
OK, I know this may sound dumb cinnamonsticks, but what does she mean by “listening and ACTING when your spouse just has a feeling about someone of the other sex. Is she referring to adultery? Pls clarify, thanks.
I will email her and let her know you asked.
I hope it’s OK if I answer directly.
What happened with us was several years ago. My husband was working with a woman who just made me feel uncomfortable. I told him how I felt, and asked him to avoid being alone with her. He didn’t understand why, but trusted my instincts. She figured out what I was feeling and tried to convince both my husband and me that I was overreacting. I went with my gut, and I’m glad I did. A few months later, there was a big scandal when she was caught having an affair with a married coworker!
Hope that clarifies.
Hi,
After being widowed after my husband’s long illness, I remarried at age 71. Do not let anyone tell you that sex drive necessarily decreases with age. My DH (who had also lost his mate of 46 years) and I had been family friends for a number of years.
Once we got to know and love each other and were married, the fireworks began. In both our long marriages, sex had become routine, but after abstaining for several years, we became like newlyweds (which we were). If your sex life has become routine, take heart. There are ways to start the sparks flying again, and CN is a wonderful resource to guide you.
Go for it!
Kate
regarding … “just a feeling of someone” and “talking about sex”
they are both soooooooooooo important.
i had a male friend at work. i used to spend a lot of time with him. naturally when i came home i would tell my husband, “i had lunch with scott”, “scott said this”, “scott said that”
well … early on in our marriage this started to bother my hubby … until he met scott. scott is gay. i neglected to tell my hubby this. i did not see it as being important …
it is.
i have come to learn that having friendships with the opposite sex requires a lot of communication.
I have a question about my own jealousy issues. I wasn’t sure were to post it, but coworkers have been brought up a few times here, so any advice would be helpful! My DH works with a bunch of ppl, some of whom I’ve met, some not. But he always talks about one woman in particular. I’ll call her “Jane” for privacy’s sake. “Jane said this,” or “Jane’s daughter did such and such,” Or he’ll call me from work and be laughing hysterically with her about something funny that happened, and when I ask, “what happened that’s so funny?” he’ll tell me “nothing.”
I guess my issue is that he actually spends more time with and talking with this woman than he does with me each day, (he goes to night classes after work and by the time he gets home is very tired and doesn’t “feel like talking”), and that truly bothers me. Of course I don’t want to be a nag about it, and the few times I’ve said anything he will jokingly tell me that “green’s not a good color on you,” etc.
Am I being ridiculous or should I be concerned about how well he knows her?
There are lots of variables I may not be aware of, but of the women who work with my husband, the only one he talks about more frequently is one who I have met many times and whom we have visited socially with. Her family and ours have had meals and celebrations together. My husband and this woman met through work, but we both developed a friendship with her and her husband. So, my question would be, have you met “Jane” or does your husband have a relationship with her that is completely separate from you?
Also, I think that your husband isn’t caring for your heart when he brushes off your concern about this woman. If I were in your position I would find a way to communicate your concern to him. Feel free to start by saying that you do not feel safe bringing this up to him because of past accusations of jealousy/nagging, but that it is important enough that you need to try again any way. Ask him to receive what you are saying without defensiveness. Be clear with him that you are not accusing him of anything, but that you just don’t feel safe with his relationship with her. Ask him “If I had a relationship with another man, like the one you have with “Jane,” would you feel safe? Would you want me spending that much time with a man who makes me laugh and feel good and then when I come home to you I am too tired to engage with you?” Try to get him to see it from your position.
So, no, I don’t think you are being ridiculous.
No, I have not met her, and I think that’s what makes me more on edge. She has very recently requested my friendship on facebook, which I don’t know what to do about. Is she just trying to be nice, or is she trying to take me off my guard? I don’t know. He tells me that she’s engaged to be married and that I should do her wedding cake (I’m a pastry chef), which normally I wouldn’t have a problem with, but the circumstances are different here. I guess I am afraid that I am reading too deeply into this, and don’t want to drive him to want someone else because I am jealous. Does that make sense?
Erin, just a word of encouragement: Perhaps the fact that she has requested you as a FB friend indicates that your husband speaks fondly of you to her – so much that she feels like she already knows you. Or worst case scenario, she’s just one of those serial friend collectors. Either way, getting to know her virtually could help alleviate some of your concerns.
thank you all for the thoughts. I am going to try and find a good time to discuss things with my DH.
Hey Erin,
I am a super jealous wife and do not apologize for the ownership that I feel towards my man. He is mine and I let him know how unforgiving I am of any other woman in his sights. I have learnt how to be myself and not hide my aggression.
If you feel lousy about his actions, say so in solidly assertive terms. If you hide behind the usual ‘be forgiving and tender towards any transgressions’ garbage, how will he truly know that you are a one man woman and expect him to be a one woman man!!
I will not play second fiddle to another woman in my man’s life. Its a case of me getting ready to look some b.. in the eye and saying “ok, girl, outside right now and let’s have it out”… You have to be laughing by now, surely. Of course, if he wanted her, I’d have to back off but I know deep inside that I am his dream woman so I FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL all the time for his undivided love and attention.
Smokeypuss smokin’ riled up…..phew!
SP, you and I are very different. 🙂
I sure am not the kind of woman who fights for my husbands attention. I work hard to *get* his attention, but not because of other women. Because of him. And because it’s fun for me.
When we first got married, the circumstances of having grown up with an adulterous father caused me a lot of fear about my marriage. I wasn’t jealous, but very afraid. I would have nightmares about my husband leaving. So I had to process that fear and let the Lord heal me of my past pain, and the result is that I don’t tend to think about other women in my husband’s life.
But I have no doubt that if there were reason for concern, that the Spirit of God would quicken me to it. That is why I say that if a particular woman has caused a concern for Erin, that I think it is reasonable for her to pursue this more.
But no, I am sure not a fighter. lol
SP, yes I am laughing. 🙂 Not at you, but b/c I am the first person that would suggest a throw-down with any woman trying to move in on my guy! Sadly though, I can’t really act like that to him b/c he was raised by a VERY possessive woman and had a pretty terrible childhood because of it, so the second I begin acting possessive of him, while he appreciates it as a husband, he automatically puts up big emotional walls that take forever to break through again. So that forces me to be super careful with what I say and how I say it. Sorta like tip-toeing through a mine field.
Thanks for the laugh though! 🙂
Sp,
While I usually agree I have to say in this case I don’t.
I believe we should be angry about sin,(if this was the situation) but I do think a loving forgiving (7×70) attitude and approach is always best. I am by nature non-confrontational. I would rather take it to the Lord and let him work thing out.
I do have to say however I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve felt threatened, maybe then my tune would change. Just Sayin!
Erin, I’ve totally been there. And there has been times where its nothing, and there has also been times when my gut was.right and there was something inappropriate going on.
I think when this happens we gotta pray and see what is fear caused from sins from our fathers or other guys, because its not fair to punish our husbands for what our fathers did to us.
I pray that your husband will respond with humility and gentleness when you bring this up. If it bugs you, I would hope
that he wouldn’t just brush it off like its nothing. He can’t play victim when there’s imprtant concerns because he had a rough childhood. He’s your husband, leader and protector.
beenthere, I’m a little confused about what you said about fathers? My father was a wonderful man and never harmed me in any way. I’m just a good old fashioned jealous wife. 🙂 I hate to label it that way, but I have to be honest with myself.
Erin, There is more than just the frontal attack when it comes to protecting whats yours. You’ve probably heard the terms ” covert ops” , ” black ops” ,and ” Commando raid” in the news over the last 8 years. My husbands unit gets more done this way than with any frontal attack. May I suggest a Sexy black dress (black ops), NO PANTIES (commando raid), suprise your husband at work for a lunch date he won’t soon forget and you’ll get to gather intel and meet the opposition in a non-confrontational manner while establishing your territory (covert ops). At the very least you and your DH will have a wonderful lunch that will lead to some night manuvers and you will let Jane and your DH know your willing to protect whats yours without coming off as insecure. Of course this process needs to be repeated on a random basis from time to time ( he’ll love it). One thing I’ve learned from my warrior is the hunter loves to be hunted once in awhile. GUYS ARE STRANGE!!!
carpentersdream,
I absolutely love that idea! I’ll def. be trying that if I can get a sitter for the kiddos! It would be so much fun to have a lunch date.