Intimacy After Miscarriage

Walking through a miscarriage is a very difficult process; one that effects each woman individually. It can influence both devistation and great faith even within the same woman.  I lost a baby in between the two children I have now. We didn’t have an easy time getting pregnant the first two times. For both our son and the baby we lost, we tried for a year to conceive so to lose our baby filled us with deep sorrow. At the same time, I also heard the Voice of my Lord loud and clear. My husband and I were part of creating a life that could worship Him for eternity and nothing could take that from us. Regardless of my circumstances, my spirit was drawn to worship Him because He had worked out a faith in me that had confidence in His goodness. I stood firm in His Word over me that He had something else for me to walk in. Our doctor told us to wait at least one cycle before trying again so we did and that very next month we conceived the daughter we have now. And I can’t imagine my life without her. That is my story, and if you have had to endure a miscarriage, I am sure you have your own story. Feel free to share it. It doesn’t need to sound like mine. In fact, I am sure that it won’t. Please be free to share honestly what you felt and experienced just as I have.

We received an email requesting an article about how miscarriage can effect a husband and wife’s sex life. This, too, is something that is influenced in a unique way depending on the couple. Some couples find that it draws them deeper into intimacy. For others it becomes something that developes into a wedge between them. Some couples are required to abstain from sex for physical reasons and some couples find that the emotional wounds result in sexual separation. Some women desire more sex, some women desire less. It can be very scary for both the husband and the wife to begin having sex again as it may be physically or emotionally painful. I want to offer a few things that helped my husband and I through these issues related to our miscarriage.

First, we discussed the physical aspects with our doctor and one another. We determined what was physically safe and made further sexual decisions with that in mind. Some couples are required to abstain for longer periods depending on the circumstances of the miscarriage. Now, having said that, just because a husband and wife are given the go ahead to start having sex again doesn’t mean things resume as they were before without some difficulty. On the other hand, for some women, it is less of a problem and they find themselves drawn to physical intimacy as much as they had before. Whichever category you may fit in, know that both are normal and can be worked through and result in deepening intimacy for you and your husband.

It is important that both the husband and the wife feel safe to share their emotions honestly. It’s also important for them to commit to empathizing with their spouse. A miscarriage can be devistating and part of the grieving will result in becoming very self focused. That is part of the grieving process and shouldn’t be discouraged. In order to grow in intimacy with the Lord and with your husband, though, we can not stay in that place. We must commit to walking through grief and not allowing our pain or regret to keep us stuck in it.

This brings me to the aspect of prayer. Staying connected to your relationship with the Lord through prayer will help so much in the healing process and the growth of a vibrant sex life after a miscarriage. It is through this lifeline with God that you will hear His truth about your situation. His voice is one of healing and will bring unity to you and your husband as you listen together and respond to Him. I look at painful experiences such as miscarriage as an opportunity. I see them as encountering a choice to use it to go deeper in intimacy with my husband and my God or to allow it to become a divisive wedge. This isn’t something I come up with in the moment. It is my over-arching perspective of life and is then put to the test when I am faced with something that is hard to walk in. It doesn’t make my responses perfect every time I encounter something hard, but I keep it as a value and endeavor to live according to it. Each of us is at a different place in our journey with God though so I can not transfer this to everyone’s situation and make a judgement that it should look this way for them. I can only share what has worked in my life. God is faithful and because of my history with Him, I do not shy away from things that will result in a more godly character. I don’t go looking for bad situations, but when I am faced with one, I pursue God for His perspective. After all these years with Him, I can’t imagine doing anything else.

There is no predetermined time frame for grieving. It will look different for each of us and won’t be expressed in a neat little package, but if a husband and wife turn towards one another and become a strength for the other they can often end up moving into a deeper intimacy and richer sex life.

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  • November 2009
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