Q&A: Too Ticklish

I’m not sure if this is a common issue with women, but I really struggle with being extremely ticklish. I’ve been married to my husband for two years now and I did wait until marriage  to have sex.  I thought that these tickling sensations would eventually wear off.  I am very open to my husband sexually and I try to make him happy in every way that I possibly can, but I feel like my ticklishness is really getting in the way of his pleasure.  The sensations occur while he is touching me in almost every area, especially in private places.  Sometimes the sensations are too strong and he has to stop.  I’ve tried a lot of things to curb my sensitivity like medications and herbs, didn’t help at all.  My husband and I tried to have longer periods of foreplay.  And I even tried digging up my emotional past to see if anything has caused me to be this way.  The only thing I can think of is that when I was growing up, the only physical affection I ever received was tickling.  I don’t know how
to overcome this problem.  Not only does it cause problems for my husband, but sometimes I feel like my sexuality is non-existent and I just have to grit my teeth and bare those overwhelming sensations.  It takes a long time for me to have an orgasm, probably about 30 minutes or more.  Thank God that I have such a patient and loving husband.  I would really like to be able to be free from this problem and enjoy loving my husband the way that he deserves.  Do you know of anything that could help me with this problem?

The following answer was provided by Lauren Jordan, Certified  Sex Therapist:

I can see how the ticklish problem is interfering with both your husband’s and your pleasure.

It has been said that ticklishness takes place when you can’t see the touch coming – and you can’t know or control when and where you will be touched.   So tickling can cause reactions in people because it may be experienced as being under “attack”.  People may take cover by curling up, and trying to cover the body parts that they believe the tickler is going to touch next.  If you don’t perceive the tickling as an attack – even one without any possibility of doing you any bodily harm – you will be less ticklish.

Usually a ticklish person will have a sense of being out of control, so having your partner work with you to give you a feeling of being in control can really help turn things around.    Before you even begin to be sexual, take some time to relax.  You might take a long bubble bath while playing some soft music.  Begin to visualize in your mind while you are in the tub, that you will enjoy your partner’s touch.  Pay attention to your breathing – make sure you are taking long, slow deep breaths in your pre-sex relaxation period.

When you meet your partner, stand together and just bask in the good feelings that come with holding each other fully clothed.  Listen to his heartbeat and his breathing, and continue to try to keep your breathing from being shallow.  You can then lie down – with or without clothes, whichever makes you feel more relaxed and comfortable.  Establish with your partner some predictable ways of touching you – moving slowly and gently.  You may want to talk about a plan.  You, the ticklish one, should pay utmost attention to staying calm, as your husband touches you first on the least ticklish parts of your body.  This is not the time for any jokes – that will slow your progress.  After you can relax while he touches your arms or legs, or both, you might then ask him to touch your breasts in the same way.  You get to choose how fast you move on to the more ticklish areas.   You can try to focus on his touch, saying reassuring things to yourself, like “this is nice.  Keep breathing.  Moving at your own pace through this exercise – which may need to be done over several days or weeks – is the secret to overcoming ticklishness.  Yes, you will need your partner’s patience – and you are worth it.  You will both reap the benefits.

Weekly poll #34: Which Spice Sister do you feel you relate to the most?

Some of our readers know our writing style and “know” us pretty well!  I’ve included our past sisters in here as well, since you can still read their articles, too.

You’re not going to hurt our feelings!   If you want to write why you feel you relate to the one you chose, you may do so in the comment section below.

Monday’s Mission #89

Your mission this week is in honor of the Olympics. We are big fans of the Olympics in our house so I want to encourage you to make an Olympics theme night in your bedroom. Use the comment section to exchange ideas on what sorts of events you could have and just make this a fun thing. I know it won’t suit everyone’s personality, but if it suits your and your husband’s then give it a try. 🙂

Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 2)

This is a continuation of a question that was brought up recently by a reader.   The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?”   I covered the first part in THIS ARTICLE.  My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love.  In my opinion, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time.   So in this 2nd part of a two part article, we’ll look at it from the wife’s perspective.

Here’s my side of the coin. This won’t represent all women, but it is how I feel about sex. Ladies, I have also in the past been the wife totally disinterested in sex, so I know all about this as well. I have 11 years experience there that I am not proud of.

*I am not disinterested in sex. While I do enjoy making love to my husband, my goal isn’t always to orgasm. It doesn’t really matter to me if I have one or not. Well, that not exactly true. I do like to have orgasms during intercourse, but if I don’t have one, it doesn’t break my heart and the world doesn’t come to a crashing halt.

*It doesn’t make me feel like a bad lover or even think that HE is a bad lover if I don’t have one. Sometimes my body is in the mood and sometimes it is very uncooperative.

*I like is the feeling of intimacy. I love the connection. I love feeling him inside me, and I love the vulnerability that I have been slowly giving up to him. I love feeling him orgasm.

Okay, so let’s take a look at this and if I have communicated this to him appropriately, how I can he sure that he understands my mindset on how to make this work….again, I have been in the position of a wife who could care less about sex and orgasms.   I hope that some of these ideas will spark conversations with you and your husband.

*Are you disinterested in sex? Take a step back and try to figure out why. What is standing in the way?  The kids?  Work?  Guilt about your past?   I know of husbands who take on the goal of bathing the kids and putting them to bed at night, so the wife can take a bubble bath, get relaxed and out of the “mommy” mode and into the “lover” mood. A GNO (Girls Night Out) with your friends on a regular basis can do wonders! Buy yourself something that will make you feel sexy. A new bra and panties…a sexy, racy negligee, or anything that will make you feel attractive to him. Ask him for suggestions. Ask your hubby to take over a daily chore. When we first got married, we decided that we would chose one chore we hated and the other would do it.  I hated doing dishes and DH hated laundry.  So we swapped chores.  My DH has taken over the kitchen. It’s to the point where my kids think I can’t cook because their Daddy does it every night. I still help with the clean up, but the cooking has been his job now for at least 3 years, maybe more. Is there something in your past that is haunting you? With me, I was ashamed of my past, how I didn’t save myself for him. I knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but I made a lot of bad choices before I met and married my DH. Satan loved using that against me all the time. I really suffered in the fact that I hadn’t forgiven myself when I knew that God had and my DH had as well. Sexual abuse from a family member or friend, rape, date rape, past sexual life…all of these things can cause problems and make sex not desirable as well. Also false teachings from the Church can also cause disinterest. I had it set in my head that sex was only for procreation. So when we got pregnant with our first child 5 months after we married, from that point on, sex was for procreation. Now it wasn’t my mindset BEFORE then for some reason, but it came out more after #1 was born. Mommy mode….Mommy’s don’t have sex. More lies from the pit of hell. Sex happened more frequently when DH agreed to my desire to have #2, but once #2 arrived, it was back to status quo. Be sure to keep your lines of communication open. A good husband will listen to what you say and repeat it back to be sure that he understand you correctly. Discuss why you feel that way. The Bible is a great guide to finding the truth.  And one other thing that I want to point out…sometimes you might not even know why.   Pray that God would open up your mind to what is troubling you, so your husband can help  in whatever way possible.  I was surprised at things that were really troubling me when God revealed them to me.   I really didn’t know until then.

*Are you having trouble orgasming? Be open to the fact that maybe your body isn’t cooperating this time.  Ask him if he would be open to performing oral sex on you to help get there.  Discuss if you feel the need to use a vibrator to help learn what feels good so you can communicate that to him. Sometimes fast and furious isn’t always as good feeling as slow and gentle love making. Mix up your routine. Tell him what feels best . I know, myself, sometimes the need to have him deep inside me helps me to orgasm but other times, just the slow, teasing, taunting LM will send me over the top. It changes sometimes from day to day. The same way you did it last night may not work the next time. Be open to change based.

*Remember that God created women different than men. Women have different needs than men. I love the feeling of my hand in my husbands. It makes me feel dainty, even though I am the farthest thing from being a “girly girl”. I love holding his hand in public. I love the feel of his hands on my skin. I love being snuggled up to him watching a movie. Women are much more sensitive then men. I love being the focus of his attention. I love for him to wash my hair for me.  A foot massage might feel good.  Tell your DH if any of these things sound better to you: Instead of expecting sex every night at bedtime, give a massage with your favorite lotions or oils,. little love notes. your favorite music as you two go to bed, little gifts, flowers or cards just for no other reason than to say “I love you”,  Women like romance. Wouldn’t it be great if your DH, without you knowing, arranged for a sitter, either a family member or someone who you can swap babysitting with, and take you out for dinner and dancing or someplace you love or wish you could go/do. These can be recreated at home if you do not have the money to do so. There are so many options out there to choose from. Make sure he realizes what your love language is.  Is he inundating you with gifts when all you want is his time with you?

Both spouses need to remember the following.  You may not have the same drive as your spouse. One may be high and the other may be low.   Instead of expecting the low drive to meet the high drive or the high drive to drop down to the low, you should work to meet in the middle.   Communicate and agree on a plan that will work for you both.  My high drive spouse would love to ML many times a day.  My 40something body can’t always handle that.  On days where I feel I can handle more than once day, I do.  Other times, he understands that I may need a day of rest or two between LM sessions.

Okay, what do you do if none of this works?   You keep on loving him/her the way Jesus loves you. Pray for your spouse.  Pray that God would make YOU the spouse he intended for your spouse.   “Lord, give my husband a new wife, and make it be ME!”  (it works the other way around, too! hint hint)  Sometimes the change isn’t needed in your spouse, but in yourself.   My husband stuck by me for 11 years of being an uninterested spouse sexually.   He deemed our marriage worth much more than sex and was willing to give that up for me.   (Sound like someone else we all know…didn’t Jesus give it all up for us, too?)  No, he will tell you it was not easy.  At the point in our marriage when he told me that, it was at that time that God knew I was ready to listen to how he wanted to bless our marriage.   I broke down when I realized that DH was willing to give up his strongest physical desire for ME and our marriage.   His love for me was much greater than his love of sex.   It was at that point that my awakening occurred.  Be hopelessly devoted to your spouse and love them no matter what.  Seek out guidance from the Lord.

I hope that this has in some ways opened up theyour hearts and minds.  Please feel free to add your experiences in the comment section of both articles.  I will attempt to answer more questions if you have them.

“I’m Just Not Satisfied”

We hear from a lot of women who aren’t satisfied in the bedroom. Some have husbands with a low sex drive. Some have husbands who don’t know how to be good lovers to them. Some have a hard time achieving orgasm. For whatever the reason they are not happily enjoying a fulfilled sex life with their husband.

We address some of the issues that can be involved in this in quite a number of articles, including:

What I want to do today is take the time to specifically focus on and discuss the importance of not transferring our part of the problem to our husbands. What often happens is that if we perceive that our husband is doing something that is keeping us from being sexually satisfied, we become so focused on his contribution to it that we forget that we are actually the ones who are primarily responsible for making sex what we want and need it to be.

No man is inherently aware of what every woman prefers and desires in bed. We need to be willing to determine ourselves to teach them what we need and to having excellent communication. We need to be willing to not give up when our attempts to communicate have failed, and we need to be willing to pursue all avenues of getting them to understand. Sometimes that is bringing it up in different ways. Sometimes it is the way we bring it up; our tone of voice or attitude. Sometimes it is going to a counsellor who can help us obtain the verbiage we are looking for to communicate our hearts.

So, if there is something that we are dissatisfied with what are some specific approaches we could take? Remember that every man has a part of him that wants to be successful and this includes success as your lover. For some men it is buried deep because of a lot of failure or, more commonly, other men in their lives instilling a negative impression of what a real man looks like. So it is important for us to be part of feeding a godly ego in our husbands and we can’t do that if we are focusing negative attention on what they are doing wrong in bed. So whenever there is a situation where you need to get more from your husband in a certain area, always try to approach it by letting him know that you are inviting him to understand you better so that he can succeed in being the excellent lover that he is. Affirm that you know what an awesome man he is and that knowing this about you is going to make it even easier for him to please you. Avoid the negative energy that is so prevalent in relationships today.

It also helps to take the approach of being willing to teach him. If he is resistant to being taught, it is another opportunity to work at positive communication, but most men appreciate being told what to do. So get comfortable not only with being verbal in bed, but also with sexual discussions in general. Marriage is not the place to be private with your sexual preferences, and if you don’t know specifically what you want you may benefit from spending some time thinking about it. It may even help to write down your ideas in a private journal.

I would also encourage you to keep your own attitude from being negative. Rather than wallowing in a lack of satisfaction in bed, focus on solutions and be positive and proactive about changing your circumstances. Come at the issues together with your husband rather than approaching them from opposite sides.

I hope these ideas have given you some tools that will allow you to take control over the aspects of your sexuality that you have authority over and to let go of those that you don’t. It’s really important for us not to transfer all the responsibility for our sexual satisfaction over to our husbands.

Weekly poll #33: How many children have you had?

You may choose 2 answers on this one….

Monday’s Mission #88

Your mission this week is to create an wonderful at home date. Cook something together or prepare his favorite thing. Enjoy chatting over cups of warms drinks or glasses of wine. Do something at home that you both enjoy, but which often gets forgotten with the distraction of TV and computers. Enjoy your favorite bedroom activities. Just have fun at home!

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