Q&A: Too Ticklish

I’m not sure if this is a common issue with women, but I really struggle with being extremely ticklish. I’ve been married to my husband for two years now and I did wait until marriage  to have sex.  I thought that these tickling sensations would eventually wear off.  I am very open to my husband sexually and I try to make him happy in every way that I possibly can, but I feel like my ticklishness is really getting in the way of his pleasure.  The sensations occur while he is touching me in almost every area, especially in private places.  Sometimes the sensations are too strong and he has to stop.  I’ve tried a lot of things to curb my sensitivity like medications and herbs, didn’t help at all.  My husband and I tried to have longer periods of foreplay.  And I even tried digging up my emotional past to see if anything has caused me to be this way.  The only thing I can think of is that when I was growing up, the only physical affection I ever received was tickling.  I don’t know how
to overcome this problem.  Not only does it cause problems for my husband, but sometimes I feel like my sexuality is non-existent and I just have to grit my teeth and bare those overwhelming sensations.  It takes a long time for me to have an orgasm, probably about 30 minutes or more.  Thank God that I have such a patient and loving husband.  I would really like to be able to be free from this problem and enjoy loving my husband the way that he deserves.  Do you know of anything that could help me with this problem?

The following answer was provided by Lauren Jordan, Certified  Sex Therapist:

I can see how the ticklish problem is interfering with both your husband’s and your pleasure.

It has been said that ticklishness takes place when you can’t see the touch coming – and you can’t know or control when and where you will be touched.   So tickling can cause reactions in people because it may be experienced as being under “attack”.  People may take cover by curling up, and trying to cover the body parts that they believe the tickler is going to touch next.  If you don’t perceive the tickling as an attack – even one without any possibility of doing you any bodily harm – you will be less ticklish.

Usually a ticklish person will have a sense of being out of control, so having your partner work with you to give you a feeling of being in control can really help turn things around.    Before you even begin to be sexual, take some time to relax.  You might take a long bubble bath while playing some soft music.  Begin to visualize in your mind while you are in the tub, that you will enjoy your partner’s touch.  Pay attention to your breathing – make sure you are taking long, slow deep breaths in your pre-sex relaxation period.

When you meet your partner, stand together and just bask in the good feelings that come with holding each other fully clothed.  Listen to his heartbeat and his breathing, and continue to try to keep your breathing from being shallow.  You can then lie down – with or without clothes, whichever makes you feel more relaxed and comfortable.  Establish with your partner some predictable ways of touching you – moving slowly and gently.  You may want to talk about a plan.  You, the ticklish one, should pay utmost attention to staying calm, as your husband touches you first on the least ticklish parts of your body.  This is not the time for any jokes – that will slow your progress.  After you can relax while he touches your arms or legs, or both, you might then ask him to touch your breasts in the same way.  You get to choose how fast you move on to the more ticklish areas.   You can try to focus on his touch, saying reassuring things to yourself, like “this is nice.  Keep breathing.  Moving at your own pace through this exercise – which may need to be done over several days or weeks – is the secret to overcoming ticklishness.  Yes, you will need your partner’s patience – and you are worth it.  You will both reap the benefits.

Weekly poll #34: Which Spice Sister do you feel you relate to the most?

Some of our readers know our writing style and “know” us pretty well!  I’ve included our past sisters in here as well, since you can still read their articles, too.

You’re not going to hurt our feelings!   If you want to write why you feel you relate to the one you chose, you may do so in the comment section below.

Monday’s Mission #89

Your mission this week is in honor of the Olympics. We are big fans of the Olympics in our house so I want to encourage you to make an Olympics theme night in your bedroom. Use the comment section to exchange ideas on what sorts of events you could have and just make this a fun thing. I know it won’t suit everyone’s personality, but if it suits your and your husband’s then give it a try. 🙂

Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 2)

This is a continuation of a question that was brought up recently by a reader.   The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?”   I covered the first part in THIS ARTICLE.  My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love.  In my opinion, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time.   So in this 2nd part of a two part article, we’ll look at it from the wife’s perspective.

Here’s my side of the coin. This won’t represent all women, but it is how I feel about sex. Ladies, I have also in the past been the wife totally disinterested in sex, so I know all about this as well. I have 11 years experience there that I am not proud of.

*I am not disinterested in sex. While I do enjoy making love to my husband, my goal isn’t always to orgasm. It doesn’t really matter to me if I have one or not. Well, that not exactly true. I do like to have orgasms during intercourse, but if I don’t have one, it doesn’t break my heart and the world doesn’t come to a crashing halt.

*It doesn’t make me feel like a bad lover or even think that HE is a bad lover if I don’t have one. Sometimes my body is in the mood and sometimes it is very uncooperative.

*I like is the feeling of intimacy. I love the connection. I love feeling him inside me, and I love the vulnerability that I have been slowly giving up to him. I love feeling him orgasm.

Okay, so let’s take a look at this and if I have communicated this to him appropriately, how I can he sure that he understands my mindset on how to make this work….again, I have been in the position of a wife who could care less about sex and orgasms.   I hope that some of these ideas will spark conversations with you and your husband.

*Are you disinterested in sex? Take a step back and try to figure out why. What is standing in the way?  The kids?  Work?  Guilt about your past?   I know of husbands who take on the goal of bathing the kids and putting them to bed at night, so the wife can take a bubble bath, get relaxed and out of the “mommy” mode and into the “lover” mood. A GNO (Girls Night Out) with your friends on a regular basis can do wonders! Buy yourself something that will make you feel sexy. A new bra and panties…a sexy, racy negligee, or anything that will make you feel attractive to him. Ask him for suggestions. Ask your hubby to take over a daily chore. When we first got married, we decided that we would chose one chore we hated and the other would do it.  I hated doing dishes and DH hated laundry.  So we swapped chores.  My DH has taken over the kitchen. It’s to the point where my kids think I can’t cook because their Daddy does it every night. I still help with the clean up, but the cooking has been his job now for at least 3 years, maybe more. Is there something in your past that is haunting you? With me, I was ashamed of my past, how I didn’t save myself for him. I knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but I made a lot of bad choices before I met and married my DH. Satan loved using that against me all the time. I really suffered in the fact that I hadn’t forgiven myself when I knew that God had and my DH had as well. Sexual abuse from a family member or friend, rape, date rape, past sexual life…all of these things can cause problems and make sex not desirable as well. Also false teachings from the Church can also cause disinterest. I had it set in my head that sex was only for procreation. So when we got pregnant with our first child 5 months after we married, from that point on, sex was for procreation. Now it wasn’t my mindset BEFORE then for some reason, but it came out more after #1 was born. Mommy mode….Mommy’s don’t have sex. More lies from the pit of hell. Sex happened more frequently when DH agreed to my desire to have #2, but once #2 arrived, it was back to status quo. Be sure to keep your lines of communication open. A good husband will listen to what you say and repeat it back to be sure that he understand you correctly. Discuss why you feel that way. The Bible is a great guide to finding the truth.  And one other thing that I want to point out…sometimes you might not even know why.   Pray that God would open up your mind to what is troubling you, so your husband can help  in whatever way possible.  I was surprised at things that were really troubling me when God revealed them to me.   I really didn’t know until then.

*Are you having trouble orgasming? Be open to the fact that maybe your body isn’t cooperating this time.  Ask him if he would be open to performing oral sex on you to help get there.  Discuss if you feel the need to use a vibrator to help learn what feels good so you can communicate that to him. Sometimes fast and furious isn’t always as good feeling as slow and gentle love making. Mix up your routine. Tell him what feels best . I know, myself, sometimes the need to have him deep inside me helps me to orgasm but other times, just the slow, teasing, taunting LM will send me over the top. It changes sometimes from day to day. The same way you did it last night may not work the next time. Be open to change based.

*Remember that God created women different than men. Women have different needs than men. I love the feeling of my hand in my husbands. It makes me feel dainty, even though I am the farthest thing from being a “girly girl”. I love holding his hand in public. I love the feel of his hands on my skin. I love being snuggled up to him watching a movie. Women are much more sensitive then men. I love being the focus of his attention. I love for him to wash my hair for me.  A foot massage might feel good.  Tell your DH if any of these things sound better to you: Instead of expecting sex every night at bedtime, give a massage with your favorite lotions or oils,. little love notes. your favorite music as you two go to bed, little gifts, flowers or cards just for no other reason than to say “I love you”,  Women like romance. Wouldn’t it be great if your DH, without you knowing, arranged for a sitter, either a family member or someone who you can swap babysitting with, and take you out for dinner and dancing or someplace you love or wish you could go/do. These can be recreated at home if you do not have the money to do so. There are so many options out there to choose from. Make sure he realizes what your love language is.  Is he inundating you with gifts when all you want is his time with you?

Both spouses need to remember the following.  You may not have the same drive as your spouse. One may be high and the other may be low.   Instead of expecting the low drive to meet the high drive or the high drive to drop down to the low, you should work to meet in the middle.   Communicate and agree on a plan that will work for you both.  My high drive spouse would love to ML many times a day.  My 40something body can’t always handle that.  On days where I feel I can handle more than once day, I do.  Other times, he understands that I may need a day of rest or two between LM sessions.

Okay, what do you do if none of this works?   You keep on loving him/her the way Jesus loves you. Pray for your spouse.  Pray that God would make YOU the spouse he intended for your spouse.   “Lord, give my husband a new wife, and make it be ME!”  (it works the other way around, too! hint hint)  Sometimes the change isn’t needed in your spouse, but in yourself.   My husband stuck by me for 11 years of being an uninterested spouse sexually.   He deemed our marriage worth much more than sex and was willing to give that up for me.   (Sound like someone else we all know…didn’t Jesus give it all up for us, too?)  No, he will tell you it was not easy.  At the point in our marriage when he told me that, it was at that time that God knew I was ready to listen to how he wanted to bless our marriage.   I broke down when I realized that DH was willing to give up his strongest physical desire for ME and our marriage.   His love for me was much greater than his love of sex.   It was at that point that my awakening occurred.  Be hopelessly devoted to your spouse and love them no matter what.  Seek out guidance from the Lord.

I hope that this has in some ways opened up theyour hearts and minds.  Please feel free to add your experiences in the comment section of both articles.  I will attempt to answer more questions if you have them.

“I’m Just Not Satisfied”

We hear from a lot of women who aren’t satisfied in the bedroom. Some have husbands with a low sex drive. Some have husbands who don’t know how to be good lovers to them. Some have a hard time achieving orgasm. For whatever the reason they are not happily enjoying a fulfilled sex life with their husband.

We address some of the issues that can be involved in this in quite a number of articles, including:

What I want to do today is take the time to specifically focus on and discuss the importance of not transferring our part of the problem to our husbands. What often happens is that if we perceive that our husband is doing something that is keeping us from being sexually satisfied, we become so focused on his contribution to it that we forget that we are actually the ones who are primarily responsible for making sex what we want and need it to be.

No man is inherently aware of what every woman prefers and desires in bed. We need to be willing to determine ourselves to teach them what we need and to having excellent communication. We need to be willing to not give up when our attempts to communicate have failed, and we need to be willing to pursue all avenues of getting them to understand. Sometimes that is bringing it up in different ways. Sometimes it is the way we bring it up; our tone of voice or attitude. Sometimes it is going to a counsellor who can help us obtain the verbiage we are looking for to communicate our hearts.

So, if there is something that we are dissatisfied with what are some specific approaches we could take? Remember that every man has a part of him that wants to be successful and this includes success as your lover. For some men it is buried deep because of a lot of failure or, more commonly, other men in their lives instilling a negative impression of what a real man looks like. So it is important for us to be part of feeding a godly ego in our husbands and we can’t do that if we are focusing negative attention on what they are doing wrong in bed. So whenever there is a situation where you need to get more from your husband in a certain area, always try to approach it by letting him know that you are inviting him to understand you better so that he can succeed in being the excellent lover that he is. Affirm that you know what an awesome man he is and that knowing this about you is going to make it even easier for him to please you. Avoid the negative energy that is so prevalent in relationships today.

It also helps to take the approach of being willing to teach him. If he is resistant to being taught, it is another opportunity to work at positive communication, but most men appreciate being told what to do. So get comfortable not only with being verbal in bed, but also with sexual discussions in general. Marriage is not the place to be private with your sexual preferences, and if you don’t know specifically what you want you may benefit from spending some time thinking about it. It may even help to write down your ideas in a private journal.

I would also encourage you to keep your own attitude from being negative. Rather than wallowing in a lack of satisfaction in bed, focus on solutions and be positive and proactive about changing your circumstances. Come at the issues together with your husband rather than approaching them from opposite sides.

I hope these ideas have given you some tools that will allow you to take control over the aspects of your sexuality that you have authority over and to let go of those that you don’t. It’s really important for us not to transfer all the responsibility for our sexual satisfaction over to our husbands.

Weekly poll #33: How many children have you had?

You may choose 2 answers on this one….

Monday’s Mission #88

Your mission this week is to create an wonderful at home date. Cook something together or prepare his favorite thing. Enjoy chatting over cups of warms drinks or glasses of wine. Do something at home that you both enjoy, but which often gets forgotten with the distraction of TV and computers. Enjoy your favorite bedroom activities. Just have fun at home!

Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 1)

A question was brought up recently by a reader that I have pondered about for quite some time and decided to take a stab at answering with my DH’s help. The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?” My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to me, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time, but to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love. So let’s take a look at this dilemma in this two part series. We’ll look from the man’s viewpoint in part 1 and the woman’s viewpoint in part 2.

Like I said earlier, to my DH it is very important that I have an orgasm every time we make love.   I asked him why was it so imperative that I orgasm EVERY time.

*The mindset he has going into every love making session is that he wants to please me sexually. He wants for me to enjoy sex as much as he does.

*If he cannot bring me to orgasm, it makes him wonder if there is something that he is doing wrong that is causing me not to orgasm, so it takes a blow at his ego thinking he is a bad lover.

*There is a big difference to him in a wife that CANNOT orgasm and a wife who is disinterested in orgasming (and sex in general).

*He appreciates it when I am an active participant in our lovemaking, even if I have to tell him while we are working together for an orgasm that I am not going to reach one that night.

As a woman listening to his point of view, I should …

*Communicate to him how much I enjoy sex with him and how it still pleases me sexually even when I don’t orgasm.   That could be sending him a text or an email at work letting him know, repaying him for his attentiveness to me by giving something back to him (oral sex maybe when he least expects it?) or initiating sex when you know he really needs the release.  Be a giving spouse.  Sometimes the pleasure of giving to him can take you over the top with excitement as well.

*If during our lovemaking you can tell that an orgasm isn’t going to happen, communicate with him about it. Maybe say, “Let’s try this new position, and if it doesn’t work, I want you to finish when you are ready.  We can try again later.” Encourage him that it is nothing he is doing wrong, your body just has a mind of its own during that LM session.  Remind him of other times he has given you wonderful orgasms and thank him for being such a wonderful, thoughtful lover to work so hard to try to get you an orgasm as well.

*Show an interest in sex with him. I know there are days that we just don’t feel like it, and it is okay to tell him that you aren’t, BUT be sure that you do not make this a regular occurring event.   Give him a time frame when you would like to ML again.   “I am really tired and worn down from the kids/work/whatever, but how about in the morning/tomorrow night/an afternoon delight at the kids naptime.”  I have learned the hard way, ladies, that giving in and having sex (notice I didn’t say making love) doesn’t make him feel very good about it at all and it leaves you feeling worse (used) than if you didn’t do it at all.  Your husband loves you and wants to make love to you.  If you are not a willing partner, it’s better to give him a rain check than to tear down his self esteem by doing it unwillingly.   Not in the mood much if ever?   I read something somewhere that stated that sometimes we need to tell him that we need 30 minutes to get in the mood.  Take a bubble bath, put on some fresh make up (if you wear it), pamper yourself with lotions, put on your favorite cologne and put on something sexy.  Sometimes we just need time to get in the mood.  Step out of the mommy mode, or employee/boss mode, or whatever is holding you back.  When making love, communicate to him if there is some sort of stimulation that really feels good that will help you to reach an orgasm.  Just don’t assume you won’t have one or go into sex with the mindset that you won’t.  God can bless you with this at any time if you will be open to it.

*Be an active participant in the sexual union.  Initiate if you are not used to it.  Try something that you think might be naughty.  Light some candles on your nightstand to make love in the candlelight.   Lay out a blanket in a secluded area of your backyard to ML.  Put a black light in your nightstand lamp.  Try some new positions that you haven’t ever tried before.  Sex doesn’t have to be missionary at 10pm at night.   It can be WOT at lunchtime, countertop sex in your master bath while you have a child watching a video in the next room…the possibilities are endless!  We have 99 positions in our POTW section that range from easy to acrobatic.   Try something new.   Just don’t lay there and take it.  Sex is so much more wonderful than that, and it is something God created for you to enjoy with your husband.  Take your marriage bed to the limits.

Next week, we’ll take a look at the other side of the coin.

The Love Glider

*UPDATE*  We were recently contacted by this company to let us know that they are no longer constructing and selling the Love Glider.  If anything changes in the future we will let you know, but for now we have disabled all links in this article and cut off comments.

Hold on to your hats, folks… cause this is no ordinary toy review.  I’m here today to tell you about the Love Glider (featured below).  Some people would classify this as an “extreme toy” because of its abilities or price.  If you and your spouse have collectively decided to refrain from using toys, then you may wish to just skip this article altogether.  If you have no personal convictions against toys, then please stop here and play the youtube video below.  I’ll wait until you’re finished…

We were contacted by [the company] and asked if we would be interested in trying out one of their Love Gliders.  Being the enthusiastic adventurer that I am, I volunteered to try it out! 😛  Shipping was fast.  They shipped it out on a Monday and sent it to a UPS store nearby so that I did not have to reveal my real name or home address.  I really appreciated how they respected my privacy.  It arrived two days later on a Wednesday in a plain brown box.

So after the initial shock and laughter, my wonderfully understanding husband agreed to help me try it out. 🙂  We  loved the fact that it came mostly assembled.  Well, the glider came fully assembled, but you have to put the center piece in yourself when you want to convert it (as seen in the video above).  It comes with a full set of instructions, complete with color pictures so that you know exactly how to do it.  Once you learn how to convert it, it doesn’t take much effort or time at all.  (In case you are wondering, they also include a brand new average size dildo.)

From watching the video you may be wondering how a couple can use this toy together.  That was my husband’s initial reaction too.  We sat down and brainstormed all the things we wanted to try with it, and then put those thoughts into actions.  From our investigations, we have put together a list of things we found that can or cannot be done easily on the LG.    Because I know that many of you will be wondering if you would be able to do some of these things, I will give you our general sizes.  I am roughly 5’7” and 130lbs and my husband is roughly 6’4” and 190lbs.  If you are much larger than us, then some of the following may not be possible for you to do comfortably.  I’m  specifically talking about the things involving both of you sitting on the LG together.   Here is what we found:

  • The wife can sit on the LG and gently rock back and forth while giving her husband oral sex.  This way she gets some kind of stimulation at the same time.
  • For couples that like to mutually masturbate, the LG would fit in well.  The wife can use the LG to help masturbate herself and put on a show for her husband, while he is servicing himself at the same time.  If the wife is a visual woman, then placing a large mirror beside her so that she can see herself as well as her dh is a great idea!  It can also be used in conjunction with a web cam and/or phone if the husband is out of town. (Business trips or deployment come to mind here.)
  • The wife can sit on the LG and scoot as far up as she can go comfortably.  Then the husband sits directly behind her.  She is able to lean back into his chest while he uses his hands to fondle her breasts and rub her clitoris while he is also kissing her neck and whispering in her ears.  Add a large mirror in front of you both and this is AMAZING!  (I can see this being a good thing for couples that struggle with extreme ED.  The husband is still able to help give his wife pleasure and bring her to orgasm using his hands and mouth and tongue all over her while she gets internal stimulation from the LG.)
  • Couples who like to participate in double penetration, take note of this!  The wife can sit on the LG and bend forward so that her hands are touching the floor.  The husband then sits directly behind her and is able to insert his penis anally.  (The beauty of this is that the couple is able to choose the size of dildo they use for the LG, so it can even be something small.)  Then the woman can stay bent over or she can sit up and lay back into her husband’s chest while they glide slowly together into oblivion!
  • Got a husband that enjoys anal play?  The husband can put his own toy into the LG and sit on it.  His wife then achieves penetration by sitting on his lap.  They are able to make love while rocking gently to give him anal stimulation.  (My dh refused to try this because he is not into anal play on himself.  But he agreed that it was a possibility for others to do.)
  • Got a wife who melts when you rim her?  Have the wife impale herself onto the LG and bend forward.  Her husband gets on his knees on the floor behind the LG.  She is then able to rock gently while her husband leans over and rims her or uses his finger on her anally.
  • The one thing we tried but were unsuccessful at was the husband giving the wife oral while she was riding the LG.  It’s just too awkward and doesn’t work.

–  comes mostly assembled
–  easy to operate
–  hand crafted and very sturdy (solid wood)
–  uses no electricity or batteries
–  the depth is fully adjustable (demonstrated in video above)
–  can be used with almost any size dildo/toy with a base
–  wipes clean easily
–  can be used as a normal glider without the children (or guests) knowing what it is

–  a little squeaky (we joked that we needed a can of WD40)
–  pricey ($350)
–  it takes a couple of minutes to set up, which is fine unless you are in the heat of the moment and have to stop to convert it

In conclusion, I believe that the Love Glider is a very unique toy.  Of course it can be used in typical marriages where the husband and wife both agree on the use of toys.  I also believe that it may be a positive alternative for marriages that suffer from physical limitations.  Some examples of this include extreme cases of ED or for marriages in which the husband is a paraplegic/quadriplegic.  Overall I will give it three and a half pepper hearts out of five.  (Cost was a factor here as well.)

I’ve tried to give a very thorough and specific review here because I know that if I were contemplating purchasing such an expensive toy, I’d want to know every thing about it that I could find out.  I hope I’ve covered everything, but if you still have questions then leave a comment and I’ll do my best to answer.  You can also get in touch with [them] directly and they will do their best to answer any questions that you have.

And lastly, I’d like to thank [them] for allowing me to try out this piece of furniture and give a fair review of it.  It really is a beautiful glider and we chose the wood color that matches our bedroom furniture perfectly!  Our children have already seen it and think it’s just a stool for mom & dad’s room 🙂

No Greater Love

In light of the fact that this weekend is Valentine’s Day, I wanted to share a devotional that I read from a book called Daily Grace for Women in place of today’s poll.   Since I am copying the devotion, I want to be sure to give full credit to this book.  It’s on p. 39.

It’s been called a phenomenon, a mysterious and splendid thing.   It’s as invisible as the air we breathe, yet equally essential  Poets have tried to describe it.   Philosophers have sought to understand it.   Songwriters have mined from their hearts the emotional treasure it evokes.   But the mystery and miracle of love remains indescribable.  What an amazing gift God has given us – not only to observe, but also to miraculously experience!  His Word proclaims it to be greater than hope and faith.

Long before St. Valentine was adopted as the patron saint of lovers, God’s love was the foundation of true love.   Because of the romantic symbols we use to celebrate Valentine’s Day, we forget that St. Valentine actually lost his life because of his love for God.   Beyond the glamour of roses and chocolates that help us celebrate the world’s view of romantic love, we find a man who gave his all for the love of his Savior.

Love is the deepest and most fulfilling gift God has ever given us.  That gift transcends outward symbols and trivial attempts to explain it.  Without His love, we wouldn’t experience God’s mercy, His Salvation or His joy.  Once received, the deep abiding love of Christ in our hearts will overflow into every aspect of our lives.  Real love, the kkind of love that sacrificed all for you and me, came in human form to unite our hearts to God’s.

Do you desire to love more and experience more love in your life?  God’s word encourages, “If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us” (1 John 4:12 NASB)

Celebrate the sacred bliss of true love.  Wrap yourself and others in this extraordinary gift that was hand delivered from Heaven by the Author and Creator of love.

As you approach Valentine’s Day, remember where love first came from…your Father in Heaven.  If it wasn’t for His love, we would have no love at all.

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