Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 1)

A question was brought up recently by a reader that I have pondered about for quite some time and decided to take a stab at answering with my DH’s help. The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?” My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to me, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time, but to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love. So let’s take a look at this dilemma in this two part series. We’ll look from the man’s viewpoint in part 1 and the woman’s viewpoint in part 2.

Like I said earlier, to my DH it is very important that I have an orgasm every time we make love.   I asked him why was it so imperative that I orgasm EVERY time.

*The mindset he has going into every love making session is that he wants to please me sexually. He wants for me to enjoy sex as much as he does.

*If he cannot bring me to orgasm, it makes him wonder if there is something that he is doing wrong that is causing me not to orgasm, so it takes a blow at his ego thinking he is a bad lover.

*There is a big difference to him in a wife that CANNOT orgasm and a wife who is disinterested in orgasming (and sex in general).

*He appreciates it when I am an active participant in our lovemaking, even if I have to tell him while we are working together for an orgasm that I am not going to reach one that night.

As a woman listening to his point of view, I should …

*Communicate to him how much I enjoy sex with him and how it still pleases me sexually even when I don’t orgasm.   That could be sending him a text or an email at work letting him know, repaying him for his attentiveness to me by giving something back to him (oral sex maybe when he least expects it?) or initiating sex when you know he really needs the release.  Be a giving spouse.  Sometimes the pleasure of giving to him can take you over the top with excitement as well.

*If during our lovemaking you can tell that an orgasm isn’t going to happen, communicate with him about it. Maybe say, “Let’s try this new position, and if it doesn’t work, I want you to finish when you are ready.  We can try again later.” Encourage him that it is nothing he is doing wrong, your body just has a mind of its own during that LM session.  Remind him of other times he has given you wonderful orgasms and thank him for being such a wonderful, thoughtful lover to work so hard to try to get you an orgasm as well.

*Show an interest in sex with him. I know there are days that we just don’t feel like it, and it is okay to tell him that you aren’t, BUT be sure that you do not make this a regular occurring event.   Give him a time frame when you would like to ML again.   “I am really tired and worn down from the kids/work/whatever, but how about in the morning/tomorrow night/an afternoon delight at the kids naptime.”  I have learned the hard way, ladies, that giving in and having sex (notice I didn’t say making love) doesn’t make him feel very good about it at all and it leaves you feeling worse (used) than if you didn’t do it at all.  Your husband loves you and wants to make love to you.  If you are not a willing partner, it’s better to give him a rain check than to tear down his self esteem by doing it unwillingly.   Not in the mood much if ever?   I read something somewhere that stated that sometimes we need to tell him that we need 30 minutes to get in the mood.  Take a bubble bath, put on some fresh make up (if you wear it), pamper yourself with lotions, put on your favorite cologne and put on something sexy.  Sometimes we just need time to get in the mood.  Step out of the mommy mode, or employee/boss mode, or whatever is holding you back.  When making love, communicate to him if there is some sort of stimulation that really feels good that will help you to reach an orgasm.  Just don’t assume you won’t have one or go into sex with the mindset that you won’t.  God can bless you with this at any time if you will be open to it.

*Be an active participant in the sexual union.  Initiate if you are not used to it.  Try something that you think might be naughty.  Light some candles on your nightstand to make love in the candlelight.   Lay out a blanket in a secluded area of your backyard to ML.  Put a black light in your nightstand lamp.  Try some new positions that you haven’t ever tried before.  Sex doesn’t have to be missionary at 10pm at night.   It can be WOT at lunchtime, countertop sex in your master bath while you have a child watching a video in the next room…the possibilities are endless!  We have 99 positions in our POTW section that range from easy to acrobatic.   Try something new.   Just don’t lay there and take it.  Sex is so much more wonderful than that, and it is something God created for you to enjoy with your husband.  Take your marriage bed to the limits.

Next week, we’ll take a look at the other side of the coin.

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