Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 1)

A question was brought up recently by a reader that I have pondered about for quite some time and decided to take a stab at answering with my DH’s help. The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?” My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to me, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time, but to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love. So let’s take a look at this dilemma in this two part series. We’ll look from the man’s viewpoint in part 1 and the woman’s viewpoint in part 2.

Like I said earlier, to my DH it is very important that I have an orgasm every time we make love.   I asked him why was it so imperative that I orgasm EVERY time.

*The mindset he has going into every love making session is that he wants to please me sexually. He wants for me to enjoy sex as much as he does.

*If he cannot bring me to orgasm, it makes him wonder if there is something that he is doing wrong that is causing me not to orgasm, so it takes a blow at his ego thinking he is a bad lover.

*There is a big difference to him in a wife that CANNOT orgasm and a wife who is disinterested in orgasming (and sex in general).

*He appreciates it when I am an active participant in our lovemaking, even if I have to tell him while we are working together for an orgasm that I am not going to reach one that night.

As a woman listening to his point of view, I should …

*Communicate to him how much I enjoy sex with him and how it still pleases me sexually even when I don’t orgasm.   That could be sending him a text or an email at work letting him know, repaying him for his attentiveness to me by giving something back to him (oral sex maybe when he least expects it?) or initiating sex when you know he really needs the release.  Be a giving spouse.  Sometimes the pleasure of giving to him can take you over the top with excitement as well.

*If during our lovemaking you can tell that an orgasm isn’t going to happen, communicate with him about it. Maybe say, “Let’s try this new position, and if it doesn’t work, I want you to finish when you are ready.  We can try again later.” Encourage him that it is nothing he is doing wrong, your body just has a mind of its own during that LM session.  Remind him of other times he has given you wonderful orgasms and thank him for being such a wonderful, thoughtful lover to work so hard to try to get you an orgasm as well.

*Show an interest in sex with him. I know there are days that we just don’t feel like it, and it is okay to tell him that you aren’t, BUT be sure that you do not make this a regular occurring event.   Give him a time frame when you would like to ML again.   “I am really tired and worn down from the kids/work/whatever, but how about in the morning/tomorrow night/an afternoon delight at the kids naptime.”  I have learned the hard way, ladies, that giving in and having sex (notice I didn’t say making love) doesn’t make him feel very good about it at all and it leaves you feeling worse (used) than if you didn’t do it at all.  Your husband loves you and wants to make love to you.  If you are not a willing partner, it’s better to give him a rain check than to tear down his self esteem by doing it unwillingly.   Not in the mood much if ever?   I read something somewhere that stated that sometimes we need to tell him that we need 30 minutes to get in the mood.  Take a bubble bath, put on some fresh make up (if you wear it), pamper yourself with lotions, put on your favorite cologne and put on something sexy.  Sometimes we just need time to get in the mood.  Step out of the mommy mode, or employee/boss mode, or whatever is holding you back.  When making love, communicate to him if there is some sort of stimulation that really feels good that will help you to reach an orgasm.  Just don’t assume you won’t have one or go into sex with the mindset that you won’t.  God can bless you with this at any time if you will be open to it.

*Be an active participant in the sexual union.  Initiate if you are not used to it.  Try something that you think might be naughty.  Light some candles on your nightstand to make love in the candlelight.   Lay out a blanket in a secluded area of your backyard to ML.  Put a black light in your nightstand lamp.  Try some new positions that you haven’t ever tried before.  Sex doesn’t have to be missionary at 10pm at night.   It can be WOT at lunchtime, countertop sex in your master bath while you have a child watching a video in the next room…the possibilities are endless!  We have 99 positions in our POTW section that range from easy to acrobatic.   Try something new.   Just don’t lay there and take it.  Sex is so much more wonderful than that, and it is something God created for you to enjoy with your husband.  Take your marriage bed to the limits.

Next week, we’ll take a look at the other side of the coin.


  1. Lovely article! 🙂
    There are some nights when I cannot reach orgasm – usually because I am tired, etc. – but I know my hubby needs me physically. I have no problem helping him to orgasm. He has realised that when i say i don’t need to orgasm that night, i mean it with all sincerity. But when i do feel up to it, it’s super important for him to get me there, as you mentioned in the first two points 🙂

  2. Great article. I’ve found that even if I can’t get there every once in a while, it’s very important to let him know how much I really want him to “get his.” Vocalize it. I personally love when my hubby comes in me, on me, whatever… I find it incredibly sexy and exciting that our sex is so great and I’m so incredibly sexy to him that I can make him orgasm. If for some reason I can’t make it there, (baby fussing in the next room, kids audibly fighting downstairs is very very distracting to me), I try to still make it very clear to him how much I truly love to make him come. “Yes, baby, I want you”, or “I love when you come in me”, etc… Even if I can’t make it all the way, I absolutely enjoy it if he does…. and telling him that makes all the difference!

  3. I enjoyed reading this article. I find myself to be very giving to my husband. I love to be with him initimately and I am a little more vocal about sex. A few months ago my husband and I were blessed by God in reference to our sexuality. We were not being totally open with one another and we were letting satan distort what God intended to be honoring to Him with our thoughts, heart, and sexuality. All that to say we have talked a lot, prayed a lot, and both discovered some past sins & habits that were hindering us from really enjoying all that God has for us. We love each other very much and had you asked us we were happy and we both enjoyed our sex life, but that is how crafty satan was in our lives. We both were not really aware of what we were missing by not really focusing on our sexuality in relationship to God.
    So in the past I loved to please my husband and I did not want to always burden my husband with having to take time to please me. So I would say I am fine maybe next time and he took me for my word and said okay. I did not realize that he honestly enjoyed taking care of me orally if it did not happen during intercourse. We did not always communicate our thoughts, needs, & desires sometimes for fear of rejection or wanting it to just be easy and quick for my husband. So I found myself taking care of myself in secret. I justified it as I am just doing it so he does not have to. Which was wrong for us because I was not being open and honest about my feelings. I also found that when I was taking care of myself it happened quick and I had a strong orgasm. I remember thinking you are training yourself to be with yourself when you should be having your husband explore and please you. Again I did orgasm with my husband and loved being with him but I was not being open with him and found myself taking care of myself at other times even when I was not physically in need. I don’t have a problem with masturbation just for us I think we should be open about it. I have found so much sexual freedom and enjoyment since we both have made a committment to have no secrets and we have been praying with each other, being accountable with one another, and just discovering all that God has for us. So yes there are times it just isn’t going to happen for me, but they are other times it isn’t going to happen during intercourse and I want to be honest and communicate yes please take care of me. Or a big vulnerable experience I had recently was when I told my husband after he orgasmed that I was just about to orgasm please lay with me as I make myself orgasm. Wow that was hard because before he expressed not knowing why he needed to be there cause he did not know what to do but I had to explain to him that I really wanted him to be there. So just be open and honest with your spouse and know that God gave us our sexuality to enjoy and please each other and yes even honor God.  

  4. This is something dh and I have/ are working thru our feelings about together. (been married almost a year)
    I’m about 50/50 on whether I peak during any given LM session. I LOVE the experience, but it takes a very specific position and rhythm to reliably arrive. So I choose variety over pursuing a guaranteed “O” sometimes, and try not to let my climax be our only goal every time.

    The trick is, as spicy nutmeg discussed, making sure I enjoy the action all the way up til the end (no awkward petering out, haha) and that he knows that he’s satisfied me, big “O” or no.

    When I sense that hitting my peak is going to be unlikely that time around (ie. because i’ve used up all my energy or because i started focusing too much on trying), I often turn to this move that let’s DH know I’ve enjoyed him: I whisper or maneuver to indicate on which part of me I’d like to see him finish and then we both enjoy the finale. This is a smooth way for me to let him know I’m ready to be done, but i’m still involved and being satisfied!
    When I’m wanting to feel him inside me, I use our code phrase that essentially tells him “Don’t wait for me! I’ll just enjoy yours with you!”

    And the best part is that just having fun and being in the moment, I’m sure to discover even more ways to get me my climax in the future!

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS

  • Click here
  • February 2010
    S M T W T F S
  • Archives