We hear from a lot of women who aren’t satisfied in the bedroom. Some have husbands with a low sex drive. Some have husbands who don’t know how to be good lovers to them. Some have a hard time achieving orgasm. For whatever the reason they are not happily enjoying a fulfilled sex life with their husband.
We address some of the issues that can be involved in this in quite a number of articles, including:
- Help!!! High Sex Drive
- Low Drive… Can You Help Me?
- Negotiating Differing Drives
- Living With a Refuser
- What’s a Man to Do?
- How to Have a Sexual Awakening
What I want to do today is take the time to specifically focus on and discuss the importance of not transferring our part of the problem to our husbands. What often happens is that if we perceive that our husband is doing something that is keeping us from being sexually satisfied, we become so focused on his contribution to it that we forget that we are actually the ones who are primarily responsible for making sex what we want and need it to be.
No man is inherently aware of what every woman prefers and desires in bed. We need to be willing to determine ourselves to teach them what we need and to having excellent communication. We need to be willing to not give up when our attempts to communicate have failed, and we need to be willing to pursue all avenues of getting them to understand. Sometimes that is bringing it up in different ways. Sometimes it is the way we bring it up; our tone of voice or attitude. Sometimes it is going to a counsellor who can help us obtain the verbiage we are looking for to communicate our hearts.
So, if there is something that we are dissatisfied with what are some specific approaches we could take? Remember that every man has a part of him that wants to be successful and this includes success as your lover. For some men it is buried deep because of a lot of failure or, more commonly, other men in their lives instilling a negative impression of what a real man looks like. So it is important for us to be part of feeding a godly ego in our husbands and we can’t do that if we are focusing negative attention on what they are doing wrong in bed. So whenever there is a situation where you need to get more from your husband in a certain area, always try to approach it by letting him know that you are inviting him to understand you better so that he can succeed in being the excellent lover that he is. Affirm that you know what an awesome man he is and that knowing this about you is going to make it even easier for him to please you. Avoid the negative energy that is so prevalent in relationships today.
It also helps to take the approach of being willing to teach him. If he is resistant to being taught, it is another opportunity to work at positive communication, but most men appreciate being told what to do. So get comfortable not only with being verbal in bed, but also with sexual discussions in general. Marriage is not the place to be private with your sexual preferences, and if you don’t know specifically what you want you may benefit from spending some time thinking about it. It may even help to write down your ideas in a private journal.
I would also encourage you to keep your own attitude from being negative. Rather than wallowing in a lack of satisfaction in bed, focus on solutions and be positive and proactive about changing your circumstances. Come at the issues together with your husband rather than approaching them from opposite sides.
I hope these ideas have given you some tools that will allow you to take control over the aspects of your sexuality that you have authority over and to let go of those that you don’t. It’s really important for us not to transfer all the responsibility for our sexual satisfaction over to our husbands.
Christian Nymphos 