We hear from a lot of women who aren’t satisfied in the bedroom. Some have husbands with a low sex drive. Some have husbands who don’t know how to be good lovers to them. Some have a hard time achieving orgasm. For whatever the reason they are not happily enjoying a fulfilled sex life with their husband.
We address some of the issues that can be involved in this in quite a number of articles, including:
- Help!!! High Sex Drive
- Low Drive… Can You Help Me?
- Negotiating Differing Drives
- Living With a Refuser
- What’s a Man to Do?
- How to Have a Sexual Awakening
What I want to do today is take the time to specifically focus on and discuss the importance of not transferring our part of the problem to our husbands. What often happens is that if we perceive that our husband is doing something that is keeping us from being sexually satisfied, we become so focused on his contribution to it that we forget that we are actually the ones who are primarily responsible for making sex what we want and need it to be.
No man is inherently aware of what every woman prefers and desires in bed. We need to be willing to determine ourselves to teach them what we need and to having excellent communication. We need to be willing to not give up when our attempts to communicate have failed, and we need to be willing to pursue all avenues of getting them to understand. Sometimes that is bringing it up in different ways. Sometimes it is the way we bring it up; our tone of voice or attitude. Sometimes it is going to a counsellor who can help us obtain the verbiage we are looking for to communicate our hearts.
So, if there is something that we are dissatisfied with what are some specific approaches we could take? Remember that every man has a part of him that wants to be successful and this includes success as your lover. For some men it is buried deep because of a lot of failure or, more commonly, other men in their lives instilling a negative impression of what a real man looks like. So it is important for us to be part of feeding a godly ego in our husbands and we can’t do that if we are focusing negative attention on what they are doing wrong in bed. So whenever there is a situation where you need to get more from your husband in a certain area, always try to approach it by letting him know that you are inviting him to understand you better so that he can succeed in being the excellent lover that he is. Affirm that you know what an awesome man he is and that knowing this about you is going to make it even easier for him to please you. Avoid the negative energy that is so prevalent in relationships today.
It also helps to take the approach of being willing to teach him. If he is resistant to being taught, it is another opportunity to work at positive communication, but most men appreciate being told what to do. So get comfortable not only with being verbal in bed, but also with sexual discussions in general. Marriage is not the place to be private with your sexual preferences, and if you don’t know specifically what you want you may benefit from spending some time thinking about it. It may even help to write down your ideas in a private journal.
I would also encourage you to keep your own attitude from being negative. Rather than wallowing in a lack of satisfaction in bed, focus on solutions and be positive and proactive about changing your circumstances. Come at the issues together with your husband rather than approaching them from opposite sides.
I hope these ideas have given you some tools that will allow you to take control over the aspects of your sexuality that you have authority over and to let go of those that you don’t. It’s really important for us not to transfer all the responsibility for our sexual satisfaction over to our husbands.
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Christian Nymphos 
I’ve learned to communicate with my husband to let him know what I liked or don’t liked when make love. My husband is sometimes insecure and suffers from low self-esteem so I really need to be careful as to not hurt his feelings with my comments. I’ve been able to help him by reassuring him that I truly enjoy having sex with him and that he is a wonderful, thoughtful lover. On the other hand I always put mysefl out there by asking him what I can do to help him enjoy sex more.
After 20 yeas of marriage we are still learning how to pleasure each other in new, more creative ways. The amazing thing about sex is that you never stop learning!!!!
Thx for the article. Great topic!
God bless!
Cinnamonsticks, you’re on the right track with this one. All ten smokeypuss paw-claws up. …cats can’t give high fives!
I love how Godly women are taking this whole sexual/sensual dynamic and embracing it for all its worth. We are powerful/filled ladies.
There is something awesome about a Christ-honoring female becoming utterly womanly for her own sake and not only for her husband’s.
Look around you. There are not too many happy women. The amount of self hatred, in many female eyes, is tangible. I am not going there anymore. This baby pussycat is turning into a feminine dynamo with a heart after God…..
Much to learn and unlearn but so much life to look forward to. Our lives are to be lived to the max as the women God has purposed us to be. And so, we embrace our sexuality with pride,honor,tenacity and femininity. We owe this much to ourselves. Our men will benefit from our love for ourselves. We have nothing to lose.
This is so true.
This site has helped my husband and I so much to open up the lines of communication in our marriage. Once I started being more confident about bringing up new ideas in the bedroom, and getting a positive response, it freed me to be more verbal about everything. Now if something isn’t working, I’m not afraid to say “Can we try it this way?” And that had also helped my husband, because he knows if I can ask him, he can certainly ask me!
Wow… all I can say is “I agree… I agree… I agree”. This is a wonderful post and kinda sums up one of the core purposes of your blog. If you focus on submitting to Christ while serving and enjoying each other… then you create such a comfortable atmosphere for fulfilling communication… and hot sex.
With all the baggage the world has dumped on sex, along with the baggage of self image problems and past mistakes, it can be so easy to shut off / shut down and not lovingly communicate your preferences and curiosities. Lack of communication leads to mediocrity at best.
I also agree. but I have been living with this for a while now, I have been loving, tried seducing him into foreplay, he never wants to go the extra mile with me, when I do with him all the time. I try to be a good and loving wife, and showing him how much I truly want and love him by doing special things for him, in and out of the bedroom. but he never seems to realize that I also really need loving in this area too, I have tried talking to him lovingly about it, tried seducing him into it, even told him step by step, and he basically told me he wasn’t going to do it, I can understand that he wanted to do it his way, but instead of doing that he does nothing at all! he only will do what it takes for me to get there once, and that’s literally it. I do things for him, try things on him all kinds of stuff all the while I can’t even really ask him to do things for me, because even if he is stimulating me to get me there, and I just tell him nicely to slow down a little, or more pressure ect. he gets offended, so I can’t even say a word because im afraid by just giving him a little direction he will shut down. he knows I want him, and knows that I want to please him, but it seems he just doesn’t understand that I do need foreplay, or hey it would be nice to have more then one o, or it would be nice is he would surprise me just because he wants to… its like he just doesn’t think about it, I have told him how it makes me feel, he says he understands, and that he will do more, but never does, never really puts a lot of effort into it for me.. I don’t know even how to help him, because all I do is love him, and show him that I want him by doing things for him, trying things on him. everything I have read on here i have done..
Great article and very thought provoking. I will work on applying this. I have a higher drive and have been guilty of getting frustrated.
I think the best answer I could give for this sister here: https://christiannymphos.org/#comment-25195 is on this thread.
Obsession for orgasm can be a big drawback sometimes. How good, creative and patient is your husband in foreplay? Does he think about you first to make you satisfied? Does he take time to help you relax (massages and other caresses)? Once the desire is really there, how do you feel about your DH performing oral on you? I am aware that we are all different concerning what we like and don’t like in lovemaking. Orgasm is also a matter of letting go, freeing yourself from any unjust inhibition and leaving all your worries outside of the bedroom (easier said than done, I know!) You have to learn to be selfish during lovemaking. In fact, this is one of the very rare times where selfishness is a blessing on a woman: concentrate on your pleasure while your husband is at it; don’t put any pressure of performance on yourself but take things as they come as you delight in the pleasures of flesh touching. Make sure you communicate what you like better. A man loves to hear his wife is being happy by what is doing. Live every second fully for yourself without expecting an orgasm at the end and it will come naturally… A part from the feeling of ecstasy you will experience, you can’t imagine the sense of accomplishment and joy a husband feels when he sees his wife respond fully to his caresses by letting him take entirely care of her as she lets him know what feels better.