Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 2)

This is a continuation of a question that was brought up recently by a reader.   The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?”   I covered the first part in THIS ARTICLE.  My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love.  In my opinion, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time.   So in this 2nd part of a two part article, we’ll look at it from the wife’s perspective.

Here’s my side of the coin. This won’t represent all women, but it is how I feel about sex. Ladies, I have also in the past been the wife totally disinterested in sex, so I know all about this as well. I have 11 years experience there that I am not proud of.

*I am not disinterested in sex. While I do enjoy making love to my husband, my goal isn’t always to orgasm. It doesn’t really matter to me if I have one or not. Well, that not exactly true. I do like to have orgasms during intercourse, but if I don’t have one, it doesn’t break my heart and the world doesn’t come to a crashing halt.

*It doesn’t make me feel like a bad lover or even think that HE is a bad lover if I don’t have one. Sometimes my body is in the mood and sometimes it is very uncooperative.

*I like is the feeling of intimacy. I love the connection. I love feeling him inside me, and I love the vulnerability that I have been slowly giving up to him. I love feeling him orgasm.

Okay, so let’s take a look at this and if I have communicated this to him appropriately, how I can he sure that he understands my mindset on how to make this work….again, I have been in the position of a wife who could care less about sex and orgasms.   I hope that some of these ideas will spark conversations with you and your husband.

*Are you disinterested in sex? Take a step back and try to figure out why. What is standing in the way?  The kids?  Work?  Guilt about your past?   I know of husbands who take on the goal of bathing the kids and putting them to bed at night, so the wife can take a bubble bath, get relaxed and out of the “mommy” mode and into the “lover” mood. A GNO (Girls Night Out) with your friends on a regular basis can do wonders! Buy yourself something that will make you feel sexy. A new bra and panties…a sexy, racy negligee, or anything that will make you feel attractive to him. Ask him for suggestions. Ask your hubby to take over a daily chore. When we first got married, we decided that we would chose one chore we hated and the other would do it.  I hated doing dishes and DH hated laundry.  So we swapped chores.  My DH has taken over the kitchen. It’s to the point where my kids think I can’t cook because their Daddy does it every night. I still help with the clean up, but the cooking has been his job now for at least 3 years, maybe more. Is there something in your past that is haunting you? With me, I was ashamed of my past, how I didn’t save myself for him. I knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but I made a lot of bad choices before I met and married my DH. Satan loved using that against me all the time. I really suffered in the fact that I hadn’t forgiven myself when I knew that God had and my DH had as well. Sexual abuse from a family member or friend, rape, date rape, past sexual life…all of these things can cause problems and make sex not desirable as well. Also false teachings from the Church can also cause disinterest. I had it set in my head that sex was only for procreation. So when we got pregnant with our first child 5 months after we married, from that point on, sex was for procreation. Now it wasn’t my mindset BEFORE then for some reason, but it came out more after #1 was born. Mommy mode….Mommy’s don’t have sex. More lies from the pit of hell. Sex happened more frequently when DH agreed to my desire to have #2, but once #2 arrived, it was back to status quo. Be sure to keep your lines of communication open. A good husband will listen to what you say and repeat it back to be sure that he understand you correctly. Discuss why you feel that way. The Bible is a great guide to finding the truth.  And one other thing that I want to point out…sometimes you might not even know why.   Pray that God would open up your mind to what is troubling you, so your husband can help  in whatever way possible.  I was surprised at things that were really troubling me when God revealed them to me.   I really didn’t know until then.

*Are you having trouble orgasming? Be open to the fact that maybe your body isn’t cooperating this time.  Ask him if he would be open to performing oral sex on you to help get there.  Discuss if you feel the need to use a vibrator to help learn what feels good so you can communicate that to him. Sometimes fast and furious isn’t always as good feeling as slow and gentle love making. Mix up your routine. Tell him what feels best . I know, myself, sometimes the need to have him deep inside me helps me to orgasm but other times, just the slow, teasing, taunting LM will send me over the top. It changes sometimes from day to day. The same way you did it last night may not work the next time. Be open to change based.

*Remember that God created women different than men. Women have different needs than men. I love the feeling of my hand in my husbands. It makes me feel dainty, even though I am the farthest thing from being a “girly girl”. I love holding his hand in public. I love the feel of his hands on my skin. I love being snuggled up to him watching a movie. Women are much more sensitive then men. I love being the focus of his attention. I love for him to wash my hair for me.  A foot massage might feel good.  Tell your DH if any of these things sound better to you: Instead of expecting sex every night at bedtime, give a massage with your favorite lotions or oils,. little love notes. your favorite music as you two go to bed, little gifts, flowers or cards just for no other reason than to say “I love you”,  Women like romance. Wouldn’t it be great if your DH, without you knowing, arranged for a sitter, either a family member or someone who you can swap babysitting with, and take you out for dinner and dancing or someplace you love or wish you could go/do. These can be recreated at home if you do not have the money to do so. There are so many options out there to choose from. Make sure he realizes what your love language is.  Is he inundating you with gifts when all you want is his time with you?

Both spouses need to remember the following.  You may not have the same drive as your spouse. One may be high and the other may be low.   Instead of expecting the low drive to meet the high drive or the high drive to drop down to the low, you should work to meet in the middle.   Communicate and agree on a plan that will work for you both.  My high drive spouse would love to ML many times a day.  My 40something body can’t always handle that.  On days where I feel I can handle more than once day, I do.  Other times, he understands that I may need a day of rest or two between LM sessions.

Okay, what do you do if none of this works?   You keep on loving him/her the way Jesus loves you. Pray for your spouse.  Pray that God would make YOU the spouse he intended for your spouse.   “Lord, give my husband a new wife, and make it be ME!”  (it works the other way around, too! hint hint)  Sometimes the change isn’t needed in your spouse, but in yourself.   My husband stuck by me for 11 years of being an uninterested spouse sexually.   He deemed our marriage worth much more than sex and was willing to give that up for me.   (Sound like someone else we all know…didn’t Jesus give it all up for us, too?)  No, he will tell you it was not easy.  At the point in our marriage when he told me that, it was at that time that God knew I was ready to listen to how he wanted to bless our marriage.   I broke down when I realized that DH was willing to give up his strongest physical desire for ME and our marriage.   His love for me was much greater than his love of sex.   It was at that point that my awakening occurred.  Be hopelessly devoted to your spouse and love them no matter what.  Seek out guidance from the Lord.

I hope that this has in some ways opened up theyour hearts and minds.  Please feel free to add your experiences in the comment section of both articles.  I will attempt to answer more questions if you have them.

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