Q&A: What’s the big deal? (part 1)

A question was brought up recently by a reader that I have pondered about for quite some time and decided to take a stab at answering with my DH’s help. The question was “Is it important that she has an orgasm – ever?” My husband and I have been in two separate camps like this couple is… to me, it isn’t important that I orgasm every time, but to my DH, yes, it is very important to him that I orgasm every time we make love. So let’s take a look at this dilemma in this two part series. We’ll look from the man’s viewpoint in part 1 and the woman’s viewpoint in part 2.

Like I said earlier, to my DH it is very important that I have an orgasm every time we make love.   I asked him why was it so imperative that I orgasm EVERY time.

*The mindset he has going into every love making session is that he wants to please me sexually. He wants for me to enjoy sex as much as he does.

*If he cannot bring me to orgasm, it makes him wonder if there is something that he is doing wrong that is causing me not to orgasm, so it takes a blow at his ego thinking he is a bad lover.

*There is a big difference to him in a wife that CANNOT orgasm and a wife who is disinterested in orgasming (and sex in general).

*He appreciates it when I am an active participant in our lovemaking, even if I have to tell him while we are working together for an orgasm that I am not going to reach one that night.

As a woman listening to his point of view, I should …

*Communicate to him how much I enjoy sex with him and how it still pleases me sexually even when I don’t orgasm.   That could be sending him a text or an email at work letting him know, repaying him for his attentiveness to me by giving something back to him (oral sex maybe when he least expects it?) or initiating sex when you know he really needs the release.  Be a giving spouse.  Sometimes the pleasure of giving to him can take you over the top with excitement as well.

*If during our lovemaking you can tell that an orgasm isn’t going to happen, communicate with him about it. Maybe say, “Let’s try this new position, and if it doesn’t work, I want you to finish when you are ready.  We can try again later.” Encourage him that it is nothing he is doing wrong, your body just has a mind of its own during that LM session.  Remind him of other times he has given you wonderful orgasms and thank him for being such a wonderful, thoughtful lover to work so hard to try to get you an orgasm as well.

*Show an interest in sex with him. I know there are days that we just don’t feel like it, and it is okay to tell him that you aren’t, BUT be sure that you do not make this a regular occurring event.   Give him a time frame when you would like to ML again.   “I am really tired and worn down from the kids/work/whatever, but how about in the morning/tomorrow night/an afternoon delight at the kids naptime.”  I have learned the hard way, ladies, that giving in and having sex (notice I didn’t say making love) doesn’t make him feel very good about it at all and it leaves you feeling worse (used) than if you didn’t do it at all.  Your husband loves you and wants to make love to you.  If you are not a willing partner, it’s better to give him a rain check than to tear down his self esteem by doing it unwillingly.   Not in the mood much if ever?   I read something somewhere that stated that sometimes we need to tell him that we need 30 minutes to get in the mood.  Take a bubble bath, put on some fresh make up (if you wear it), pamper yourself with lotions, put on your favorite cologne and put on something sexy.  Sometimes we just need time to get in the mood.  Step out of the mommy mode, or employee/boss mode, or whatever is holding you back.  When making love, communicate to him if there is some sort of stimulation that really feels good that will help you to reach an orgasm.  Just don’t assume you won’t have one or go into sex with the mindset that you won’t.  God can bless you with this at any time if you will be open to it.

*Be an active participant in the sexual union.  Initiate if you are not used to it.  Try something that you think might be naughty.  Light some candles on your nightstand to make love in the candlelight.   Lay out a blanket in a secluded area of your backyard to ML.  Put a black light in your nightstand lamp.  Try some new positions that you haven’t ever tried before.  Sex doesn’t have to be missionary at 10pm at night.   It can be WOT at lunchtime, countertop sex in your master bath while you have a child watching a video in the next room…the possibilities are endless!  We have 99 positions in our POTW section that range from easy to acrobatic.   Try something new.   Just don’t lay there and take it.  Sex is so much more wonderful than that, and it is something God created for you to enjoy with your husband.  Take your marriage bed to the limits.

Next week, we’ll take a look at the other side of the coin.

The Love Glider

*UPDATE*  We were recently contacted by this company to let us know that they are no longer constructing and selling the Love Glider.  If anything changes in the future we will let you know, but for now we have disabled all links in this article and cut off comments.

Hold on to your hats, folks… cause this is no ordinary toy review.  I’m here today to tell you about the Love Glider (featured below).  Some people would classify this as an “extreme toy” because of its abilities or price.  If you and your spouse have collectively decided to refrain from using toys, then you may wish to just skip this article altogether.  If you have no personal convictions against toys, then please stop here and play the youtube video below.  I’ll wait until you’re finished…

We were contacted by [the company] and asked if we would be interested in trying out one of their Love Gliders.  Being the enthusiastic adventurer that I am, I volunteered to try it out! 😛  Shipping was fast.  They shipped it out on a Monday and sent it to a UPS store nearby so that I did not have to reveal my real name or home address.  I really appreciated how they respected my privacy.  It arrived two days later on a Wednesday in a plain brown box.

So after the initial shock and laughter, my wonderfully understanding husband agreed to help me try it out. 🙂  We  loved the fact that it came mostly assembled.  Well, the glider came fully assembled, but you have to put the center piece in yourself when you want to convert it (as seen in the video above).  It comes with a full set of instructions, complete with color pictures so that you know exactly how to do it.  Once you learn how to convert it, it doesn’t take much effort or time at all.  (In case you are wondering, they also include a brand new average size dildo.)

From watching the video you may be wondering how a couple can use this toy together.  That was my husband’s initial reaction too.  We sat down and brainstormed all the things we wanted to try with it, and then put those thoughts into actions.  From our investigations, we have put together a list of things we found that can or cannot be done easily on the LG.    Because I know that many of you will be wondering if you would be able to do some of these things, I will give you our general sizes.  I am roughly 5’7” and 130lbs and my husband is roughly 6’4” and 190lbs.  If you are much larger than us, then some of the following may not be possible for you to do comfortably.  I’m  specifically talking about the things involving both of you sitting on the LG together.   Here is what we found:

  • The wife can sit on the LG and gently rock back and forth while giving her husband oral sex.  This way she gets some kind of stimulation at the same time.
  • For couples that like to mutually masturbate, the LG would fit in well.  The wife can use the LG to help masturbate herself and put on a show for her husband, while he is servicing himself at the same time.  If the wife is a visual woman, then placing a large mirror beside her so that she can see herself as well as her dh is a great idea!  It can also be used in conjunction with a web cam and/or phone if the husband is out of town. (Business trips or deployment come to mind here.)
  • The wife can sit on the LG and scoot as far up as she can go comfortably.  Then the husband sits directly behind her.  She is able to lean back into his chest while he uses his hands to fondle her breasts and rub her clitoris while he is also kissing her neck and whispering in her ears.  Add a large mirror in front of you both and this is AMAZING!  (I can see this being a good thing for couples that struggle with extreme ED.  The husband is still able to help give his wife pleasure and bring her to orgasm using his hands and mouth and tongue all over her while she gets internal stimulation from the LG.)
  • Couples who like to participate in double penetration, take note of this!  The wife can sit on the LG and bend forward so that her hands are touching the floor.  The husband then sits directly behind her and is able to insert his penis anally.  (The beauty of this is that the couple is able to choose the size of dildo they use for the LG, so it can even be something small.)  Then the woman can stay bent over or she can sit up and lay back into her husband’s chest while they glide slowly together into oblivion!
  • Got a husband that enjoys anal play?  The husband can put his own toy into the LG and sit on it.  His wife then achieves penetration by sitting on his lap.  They are able to make love while rocking gently to give him anal stimulation.  (My dh refused to try this because he is not into anal play on himself.  But he agreed that it was a possibility for others to do.)
  • Got a wife who melts when you rim her?  Have the wife impale herself onto the LG and bend forward.  Her husband gets on his knees on the floor behind the LG.  She is then able to rock gently while her husband leans over and rims her or uses his finger on her anally.
  • The one thing we tried but were unsuccessful at was the husband giving the wife oral while she was riding the LG.  It’s just too awkward and doesn’t work.

Pros:
–  comes mostly assembled
–  easy to operate
–  hand crafted and very sturdy (solid wood)
–  uses no electricity or batteries
–  the depth is fully adjustable (demonstrated in video above)
–  can be used with almost any size dildo/toy with a base
–  wipes clean easily
–  can be used as a normal glider without the children (or guests) knowing what it is

Cons:
–  a little squeaky (we joked that we needed a can of WD40)
–  pricey ($350)
–  it takes a couple of minutes to set up, which is fine unless you are in the heat of the moment and have to stop to convert it

In conclusion, I believe that the Love Glider is a very unique toy.  Of course it can be used in typical marriages where the husband and wife both agree on the use of toys.  I also believe that it may be a positive alternative for marriages that suffer from physical limitations.  Some examples of this include extreme cases of ED or for marriages in which the husband is a paraplegic/quadriplegic.  Overall I will give it three and a half pepper hearts out of five.  (Cost was a factor here as well.)

I’ve tried to give a very thorough and specific review here because I know that if I were contemplating purchasing such an expensive toy, I’d want to know every thing about it that I could find out.  I hope I’ve covered everything, but if you still have questions then leave a comment and I’ll do my best to answer.  You can also get in touch with [them] directly and they will do their best to answer any questions that you have.

And lastly, I’d like to thank [them] for allowing me to try out this piece of furniture and give a fair review of it.  It really is a beautiful glider and we chose the wood color that matches our bedroom furniture perfectly!  Our children have already seen it and think it’s just a stool for mom & dad’s room 🙂

No Greater Love

In light of the fact that this weekend is Valentine’s Day, I wanted to share a devotional that I read from a book called Daily Grace for Women in place of today’s poll.   Since I am copying the devotion, I want to be sure to give full credit to this book.  It’s on p. 39.

It’s been called a phenomenon, a mysterious and splendid thing.   It’s as invisible as the air we breathe, yet equally essential  Poets have tried to describe it.   Philosophers have sought to understand it.   Songwriters have mined from their hearts the emotional treasure it evokes.   But the mystery and miracle of love remains indescribable.  What an amazing gift God has given us – not only to observe, but also to miraculously experience!  His Word proclaims it to be greater than hope and faith.

Long before St. Valentine was adopted as the patron saint of lovers, God’s love was the foundation of true love.   Because of the romantic symbols we use to celebrate Valentine’s Day, we forget that St. Valentine actually lost his life because of his love for God.   Beyond the glamour of roses and chocolates that help us celebrate the world’s view of romantic love, we find a man who gave his all for the love of his Savior.

Love is the deepest and most fulfilling gift God has ever given us.  That gift transcends outward symbols and trivial attempts to explain it.  Without His love, we wouldn’t experience God’s mercy, His Salvation or His joy.  Once received, the deep abiding love of Christ in our hearts will overflow into every aspect of our lives.  Real love, the kkind of love that sacrificed all for you and me, came in human form to unite our hearts to God’s.

Do you desire to love more and experience more love in your life?  God’s word encourages, “If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us” (1 John 4:12 NASB)

Celebrate the sacred bliss of true love.  Wrap yourself and others in this extraordinary gift that was hand delivered from Heaven by the Author and Creator of love.

As you approach Valentine’s Day, remember where love first came from…your Father in Heaven.  If it wasn’t for His love, we would have no love at all.

Monday’s Mission #87

Your mission this week is to pick a morning to serve your husband breakfast in bed. You can make it as fancy or as simple as you wish to, but the idea is just to let him know that you want your home to be a place of rest for him and to make him feel special. Give it a try. 🙂

Q&A: Anal Sex & Hemorrhoids

“I know this is not a tasteful category, but can you write an article about anal sex and hemorrhoids?  Can you still have anal sex with the different types of hemorrhoids? What precautions should you take? I need some experienced help!”

We seem to discuss everything else on this site, so why not hemorrhoids?  🙂  Unfortunately, I suffer from them too, so I can write from personal experience here.

I never had hemorrhoids until I gave birth.  Pushing out that 9lb+ baby just really did me in down there.  I had to learn fast about alleviating the pain and burning associated with external hemorrhoids. I still have issues with them from time to time, and having them has indeed affected my desire for anal sex.

Most of the time hemorrhoids come and go.  If you are having a bad bout with them, then you need to abstain from having anal sex until they are all healed up.  Try to get more fiber and whole grains in your diet so that your digestive tract can become more regular.  When your bowel movements are soft and easy then you will have less chance of your hemorrhoids acting up.  Having to strain because of hard stools will inflame your ‘roids and make them swell, burn, and itch.  Then you will have to start all over again with the creams and medicated pads and cooling gels and cool baths to try and get them to go back down.

If you have your hemorrhoids under control and they aren’t swollen or bleeding or bothering you at all, then yes, you may be able to have anal sex without any pain (using plenty of lube).  If you try and it does hurt then I strongly advise you to STOP, because you could cause further irritation and swelling. I was able to have totally pain-free anal sex a few times after I got hemorrhoids, but again, I had to wait until they were not inflamed.  In the last couple of years though, we have given up anal sex mainly due to my hemorrhoids.  I just never know when they are going to be bothersome to me, so we have just migrated away from anal sex altogether.

If your hemorrhoids are extremely bothersome then you should totally abstain from any type of anal play and see your physician for treatment. I hope you are able to get yours under control.

Letting Go of Your Past

It may not surprise you to hear that we have had a high number of people over the years write us asking about how they can let go of the sexual sins of their past. We all have regrets over things we have done and when it comes to sex, it has a lot of potential to wreck havoc in married sexuality. What often happens is we become deceived when we are single into believing lies about sex and then the enemy turns it all on it’s head and comes at us from the other side to guilt us into living in bondage. In both cases we aren’t living out of the identity that God has spoken over us.

So if you have regrets about your sexual past, where do you start? As always, I encourage you to start by connecting to God. To begin with, if you have not repented and broken the soul tie to your previous sex partners that is your first step. This would include premarital sex that you had with your husband prior to marriage. Draw close to the Lord and stay in that place with Him. The Lord does not require a perfect heart, but a contrite one. Bring your regret and repentance to Him and then ask Him to restore you to a right relationship with Him. Ask Him to break off of you every attachment that you have in your soul to people whom you were intimate with. Certainly intercourse would apply here, but so would oral and manual sex. Remember that our Saviour Jesus died for those sins and then was raised to life so that your inheritance in the kingdom of God could be restored to you. So leave those things at the cross and let Him raise you to stand in the identity that He has established you in. Claim your forgiveness with determination and boldness.

Once you have received forgiveness from the Lord, it’s time to move onto something that can be much harder for some of us. Forgiving yourself. This is the aspect where a lot of women find the greatest point of struggle. A “good Christian woman” can learn to receive the forgiveness of God, but forgiving themselves can feel inappropriate. That somehow they are not serious about their repentance if they don’t hang onto a little bit of what they did, even if it’s subconscious. Many women carry their regret into marriage and have a hard time learning to embrace their sexuality in a godly way when they have misused it in the past. It can take years, but once a woman forgives herself the process is much easier.

I would encourage you to ask the Lord to wash your mind of the sin as well. There is no reason to hang onto the memories of your mistakes. They will not benefit you now and they are a distraction to the intimacy you can have with your husband. Invite the Lord to cleanse your mind and release His thoughts over you in replace of those memories.

There is nothing we can do to change the mistakes of our past, but we sure can give it way more authority than it ought to have. We can let it have more control over us than it needs to and can remain bonded to our sin even while the Lord has forgiven us. So often the truth evades us that while we continue living in a cage, the doors have been opened. All we need to do is walk out and embrace our freedom.

Sometimes, however, the struggle is that while you remain convicted and focused on saving your sexuality for your spouse, they did not? This is an important discussion to have as well, one we will talk about further in an upcoming article.

I would encourage our readers to share their stories of how they let go of any sexual mistakes of their past. It’s very helpful to hear from others who are living in freedom after having regrets about how they managed their purity.

Weekly poll #32: At what age did you experience your sexual awakening?

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