Q&A: Erotica and Real Touch

I think I have started confusing erotica online with real touch. I find myself loving the idea of sex but not the act itself. My husband and I used to have a okay sex life, but now that I am feeling this it has gone way down. I just want to know if there is anyway I could just forget everything I have learned about sex and start over? And if it’s more complicated than that, what steps can I take to get back in touch with him?

I loved this question. I thought it was very insightful for the writer to be able to recognize this about herself and a lot of women who have battled with the temptation to read erotica can probably relate to her circumstances. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of a sexualized story. It becomes very real to you and can effect your response to the sexual touch of your husband. Pornography distorts how we perceive sex and establishes expectations which are often not realistic or fair to our husbands. We discussed this in further detail in the article Pornography: The Spice that Destroys Sexual Taste Buds.

Our sex drive is a very powerful aspect of ourselves and if we feed it the wrong stuff it can be very difficult to get the thoughts and images out of our heads. I would encourage you to replace those unhealthy sexual memories with ones that are exciting and edifying at the same time. So if you can focus your sexual energy on your husband and allow your fantasies and desires and thoughts to be about him, the distraction of erotica can be redeemed for godly passion. Remember that in marriage as long as it only involves you and your husband, there is so much sexual fun that is available to you. There is no need to white knuckle your thoughts to being asexual. Just transfer the desires towards your marriage. Our minds are a powerful part of our sexual response so embrace your brain as being part of your sex drive and let your exciting ideas be released in a healthy way.

If you have come to possess ideas and desires that are unhealthy even for your own marriage, then I know that the Lord can help you to have redeemed mind. Pray and ask the Lord to retrain you in those areas. He will do it. He wants you to be living in sexual freedom and is completely available to you by His Spirit. There isn’t anything that you can not overcome when you are living in the life of the Spirit. (Read Romans 8.) So yes, you can “start over,” but you may not forget everything right away. As you avail yourself more and more to the Lord, though, you will someday look back at who you are now and not really recognize yourself. It’s a bit of a mystery how our Christian walk is like that.

To get back in touch with your husband, welcome him into your ideas and desires. Involve him in what you are thinking and enjoy planning out exciting escapades. Write some erotica together or you write it and read it to him. Make it about the two of you.

I hope the thoughts I have shared here are helpful to you and that you will find yourself living in greater freedom in this area of your life.

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