Q&A: Delayed Ejaculation

“My husband and I have been married for only a month, so I know we have a lot of time to work on this and figure it out, but we have sort of a  different problem. Rather than premature ejaculation, my husband  cannot ejaculate until about 45 minutes or an hour into sex. Even on our wedding night, we had sex for 2 hours and he did not even finish. Since then he has orgasmed every time but whether it be oral, hand or intercourse, it takes a very long time for him to finish, making exciting quickies nearly impossible for us. I adore our long love-making sessions, but we both would like to be able to acheive a spontaneous quickie sometimes. Any advice or tips would be MUCH appreciated. THANKS!”

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Again, we turned to our friendly neighborhood Sex Therapist, Lauren Jordan, to answer this woman’s question:

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The problem that you are describing is called Delayed Ejaculation, in that your husband needs an unusually long period of stimulation before he can have an orgasm.  The good news is that it sounds like you two have adapted to it by taking a “whatever it takes” kind of attitude – and he does have his climax every time.  If this is working for both of you, without your getting tired, impatient, bored, or just plain physically sore, then great!  If the length of time that it takes for him to have an orgasm is becoming a frustration or a burden to either of you, it would be a good idea to see a Certified Sex Therapist about it.

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A sex therapist would take some sessions to get a full sexual history for both of you.  Then, depending upon that information, would develop a treatment plan,  which would target the areas that s/he  believes are contributing to the problem.  These could be:  anxiety about performing, body image, difficulty focusing on the sensations during lovemaking, which could all make it difficult to reach climax.  There is some data that suggests that some men who have DE learned to masturbate in a non-typical way, and this has made learning to orgasm with a partner difficult.  The sex therapist might also take you through some exercises that you do at home to gradually move him in the direction of orgasming inside you.

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Unfortunately, I can’t tell you if it will be possible for you to have a “quickie” now and then, so I’m very glad that you both love your long lovemaking sessions.  You might also want to get a copy of Bernie Zilbergeld’s book, called The New Male Sexuality.  It has some exercises that you could do as part of a self-help program.  I do think you’ll likely need the expertise and support of a sex therapist, if this is something that you both really want to focus on changing.

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Lauren Jordan, LCSW
Certified Sex Therapist

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