Q&A: Delayed Ejaculation

“My husband and I have been married for only a month, so I know we have a lot of time to work on this and figure it out, but we have sort of a  different problem. Rather than premature ejaculation, my husband  cannot ejaculate until about 45 minutes or an hour into sex. Even on our wedding night, we had sex for 2 hours and he did not even finish. Since then he has orgasmed every time but whether it be oral, hand or intercourse, it takes a very long time for him to finish, making exciting quickies nearly impossible for us. I adore our long love-making sessions, but we both would like to be able to acheive a spontaneous quickie sometimes. Any advice or tips would be MUCH appreciated. THANKS!”

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Again, we turned to our friendly neighborhood Sex Therapist, Lauren Jordan, to answer this woman’s question:

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The problem that you are describing is called Delayed Ejaculation, in that your husband needs an unusually long period of stimulation before he can have an orgasm.  The good news is that it sounds like you two have adapted to it by taking a “whatever it takes” kind of attitude – and he does have his climax every time.  If this is working for both of you, without your getting tired, impatient, bored, or just plain physically sore, then great!  If the length of time that it takes for him to have an orgasm is becoming a frustration or a burden to either of you, it would be a good idea to see a Certified Sex Therapist about it.

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A sex therapist would take some sessions to get a full sexual history for both of you.  Then, depending upon that information, would develop a treatment plan,  which would target the areas that s/he  believes are contributing to the problem.  These could be:  anxiety about performing, body image, difficulty focusing on the sensations during lovemaking, which could all make it difficult to reach climax.  There is some data that suggests that some men who have DE learned to masturbate in a non-typical way, and this has made learning to orgasm with a partner difficult.  The sex therapist might also take you through some exercises that you do at home to gradually move him in the direction of orgasming inside you.

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Unfortunately, I can’t tell you if it will be possible for you to have a “quickie” now and then, so I’m very glad that you both love your long lovemaking sessions.  You might also want to get a copy of Bernie Zilbergeld’s book, called The New Male Sexuality.  It has some exercises that you could do as part of a self-help program.  I do think you’ll likely need the expertise and support of a sex therapist, if this is something that you both really want to focus on changing.

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Lauren Jordan, LCSW
Certified Sex Therapist

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8 Comments

  1. If you can’t go with the sex therapist for any reason I would just give it time.

    Once your husband becomes used to the way your vagina stimulates him then he will take less and less time until he ejaculates. Masturbation, by men and women, acclimates our body to orgasm using a specific pressure or rhythm or both. Making love does not replicate that. And so when we get ‘the real thing’ our body doesn’t immediately respond.

    It just takes time for him to get used to the very different feeling. Having sex at times of the day when he is most aroused might help. I don’t recommend using oral or manual stimulation and having him finish vaginally. Because that doesn’t help him to get used to vaginal stimulation. Trying to have ‘quickies’ may also be counterproductive. The long sessions you are having are helping him get used to the feeling of vaginal sex and the different way it stimulates him. He is learning ‘how to do it’ in the same way as he had to learn how to masturbate.

    Proof positive is that in a month he has gone from 2hrs with no ejaculation to where you are now. You are definitely making progress.

    I’m not a doctor or a therapist but I am talking from experience.

    God Bless

  2. This question hit very close to home for me. I got married 6 months ago. We were both virgins and just assumed that he would be like most guys and get there very quickly. I was devastated when we couldn’t get him there the first night. We then adopted an attitude of enjoying whatever it took to get him there.It used to consistently take at least an hour and a half before he could climax and even then it was rarely during intercourse. Now he climaxes every time.

    As an encouragement to the girl who wrote the question, it has gotten easier. I would say 95% of the time now he climaxes during intercourse within 30 minutes. the other 5% of the time he needs oral…..which I Love to give him! Then there will be the rare nights where once again it takes over an hour. it gets better each month as you learn how to best love your husband and give him pleasure. Devoting time to turning him on and warming him up is crucial. Nothing like some kisses or hands in strategic spots to get his body into action!!

    As hard as this can be for the wife I believe that delayed ejaculation is even harder on the man. It’s so easy for them to feel emasculated or a failure. I continually make sure that he knows that I’m enjoying every second of making love with him. Sex is a precious gift that we waited for and it’s a wonderful adventure to learn to love my husband the best way possible.

    One last thing, a big thank you to the spice girls for addressing this issue. It’s very rarely mentioned and can make those of us who are dealing with it feel very alone and abnormal. I felt encouraged while reading it just to know that another couple was going through the same thing.

  3. Sounds like you have a fantastic attitude! 🙂

  4. We went through this too–both virgins, but him with a history of masturbation. Took us a while for the first ejaculation. (Almost two weeks.) Since then–not usually a “problem”.

    I can’t tell you how I scoured the few Christian books on sex available to me at the time. All I could find referring to newlyweds was information on premature ejaculation!

  5. My husband and I experienced this when he was taking anti-depression meds. It then became a bigger problem because he started to get performance anxiety. Prior to that he was always paranoid that he was P.E. instead. He ended up going off the meds, which may or may not be a good thing, but even after that it took many positive sessions for him to stop feeling the performance anxiety. Now we have a nice situation where we can have a quicky or, we have learned how to extend lovemaking when we want to, sometimes for several hours. We have been enjoying each other for 17 years and it just gets better and better.

  6. My husband & i have the oppisite problem. We were married 2 weeks ago& were both virgins. (i know this will take time to fix) but, he comes to quickly. Sex usually lasts about 10 mins for us. Just when i’m starting to really enjoy it he’s done. Kind of frustrating for me. But like i said i know it will take some time. Any suggestions?

  7. Congratulations on your marriage! It will take time to work things out sexually and, of course, it’s really a (fun!) lifelong process. A great Christian resource is the book “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman. It talks some about premature ejaculation, but also about many other things. And here is an article by Paul Byerly on The Marriage Bed, a Christian Web site: http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems/arousal-aamp-orgasm/rapid-ejaculation There are definitely things that your husband can do to delay ejaculation. Even if you work on those things, sometimes he will just come way before you are ready. If that’s the case he can help you come to orgasm using his hand or oral sex. Be sure to keep your communication with him open and positive, and encourage him to do the same. You need to enjoy this adventure together, and laugh at the little problems that occur along the way.

  8. there is another book that is not a Christian reference but is recommended called “She Comes First” If you only want to use Christian sex books it won’t be for you but if you and your H want to give it a try it is available at major bookstores everywhere.


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