Q&A: Erotica and Real Touch

I think I have started confusing erotica online with real touch. I find myself loving the idea of sex but not the act itself. My husband and I used to have a okay sex life, but now that I am feeling this it has gone way down. I just want to know if there is anyway I could just forget everything I have learned about sex and start over? And if it’s more complicated than that, what steps can I take to get back in touch with him?

I loved this question. I thought it was very insightful for the writer to be able to recognize this about herself and a lot of women who have battled with the temptation to read erotica can probably relate to her circumstances. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of a sexualized story. It becomes very real to you and can effect your response to the sexual touch of your husband. Pornography distorts how we perceive sex and establishes expectations which are often not realistic or fair to our husbands. We discussed this in further detail in the article Pornography: The Spice that Destroys Sexual Taste Buds.

Our sex drive is a very powerful aspect of ourselves and if we feed it the wrong stuff it can be very difficult to get the thoughts and images out of our heads. I would encourage you to replace those unhealthy sexual memories with ones that are exciting and edifying at the same time. So if you can focus your sexual energy on your husband and allow your fantasies and desires and thoughts to be about him, the distraction of erotica can be redeemed for godly passion. Remember that in marriage as long as it only involves you and your husband, there is so much sexual fun that is available to you. There is no need to white knuckle your thoughts to being asexual. Just transfer the desires towards your marriage. Our minds are a powerful part of our sexual response so embrace your brain as being part of your sex drive and let your exciting ideas be released in a healthy way.

If you have come to possess ideas and desires that are unhealthy even for your own marriage, then I know that the Lord can help you to have redeemed mind. Pray and ask the Lord to retrain you in those areas. He will do it. He wants you to be living in sexual freedom and is completely available to you by His Spirit. There isn’t anything that you can not overcome when you are living in the life of the Spirit. (Read Romans 8.) So yes, you can “start over,” but you may not forget everything right away. As you avail yourself more and more to the Lord, though, you will someday look back at who you are now and not really recognize yourself. It’s a bit of a mystery how our Christian walk is like that.

To get back in touch with your husband, welcome him into your ideas and desires. Involve him in what you are thinking and enjoy planning out exciting escapades. Write some erotica together or you write it and read it to him. Make it about the two of you.

I hope the thoughts I have shared here are helpful to you and that you will find yourself living in greater freedom in this area of your life.

Facials

The topic of “facials” can be almost as controversial as anal sex.  So, of course you know I HAVE to write about it!  😆  Seriously though, this topic has been danced around on a couple of different articles here, so I figured I might as well just go ahead and bring it out into the light for all to discuss.  If you’re sitting there wondering if I’m talking about what you think I’m talking about, then yes, I’m talking about your husband ejaculating on your face.

There are no doubt many of you sitting there reading this article thinking “Eeeww.”  That’s not an uncommon response.  I know that the thoughts of allowing your husband to finish on your face may not be the most romantic thing.  It’s perfectly fine to say that you aren’t interested in that type of sexual play or that that specific act crosses a boundary for you.  We are simply discussing one activity, out of hundreds of things, which a couple can share together.

I’ve read a couple of different sites that suggest semen as a great facial moisturizer.  I’ve also read reports that say semen can tighten your pores/skin, helping to fight against wrinkles.  There could be a little truth to that.  I know from personal experience that if you leave it on your face it dries out much like egg whites.  It pulls your skin tighter & firmer.  But whatever firmness it seems to give you is all washed away when you shower.  So I don’t really think that husbands will be able to use the line, “Want younger looking skin?”  😎

To those of you who feel like this is strictly a porn activity.  Let me just say here that if any activity makes you think of pornography, or gives you flashbacks to pornographic images, then it’s probably not a good idea to continue with that activity.  That being said, if you and your husband would like to experiment with this then you should feel free to do so, without guilt over whether or not this activity is done in pornographic movies.  (Let me remind you all that they also kiss and fondle and have intercourse in those movies too, so should we just stop having sex with our spouse altogether?)

This subject has also been discussed on other marital forums such as TMB.  What has been interesting to me is to hear from the couples themselves as to why they like doing this.  Here is a quote from one man:  “I love that my wife is so easygoing and playful.  She is almost always willing to let me finish on her face when I ask to (except when she has plans to go out somewhere and doesn’t want her make up messed up!)  For me, I love the visual of seeing my wife with her mouth open, trying to catch my come in her mouth.  And then I see it running down the sides of her mouth and chin.  I always aim for her mouth because one time it shot up her nose on accident and she snorted and we both got to laughing so hard!  So we try to not have that happen again!” And here is a quote from a woman who engages in this activity with her husband:  “My husband knows that I want to please him in every way possible.  Although it doesn’t happen often, when he asks me if he can go on my face, I usually say yes.  We will get him almost there by using oral or PIV and then I’ll get into position.  I always make eye contact with him and smile really big to let him know that I’m ready for him.  He’ll smile back at me.  Sometimes I’ll even talk to him at this point and tell him that I can’t wait to taste/feel his come on me.  When we’re finished he always cleans me up himself with a washcloth and tells me how blessed he feels to have me as his wife.”

So yes, there are actually couples who do this and like it.  I think that it probably depends on many different variables in the couple’s life, including but not limited to:  past sexual abuse, past sexual partners, past or current porn use, personal convictions, tolerance levels, openness, attitudes, level of trust in the relationship, vulnerability, etc.  I don’t think there is any one thing that makes this activity okay or not, but rather a conglomerate of things.  If my husband had a history of making me feel cheap or degraded, then I don’t believe I would entertain this idea at all.  If I knew that this was an activity he used to love to do with his ex wife, then I may not want to do it either.  If I knew that deep down I was disgusted with the thoughts of having my husband’s semen all over me, then again, I would probably say no.   However, if we had a very open and trusting relationship with no issues of past partners, and we were both very playful and eager to try new things together, then I may entertain the idea of trying this once to see how it goes.

Just for the record (if you haven’t already guessed) we have indeed tried this in my marriage.  Let me go ahead and warn you that if you do decide to try this with your husband, make sure you tell him to please do not aim anywhere near your eyes!  Let’s just say that one shot of that stuff will give you a blood shot eye for HOURS, and everyone around you will wonder if you’ve got a hang over or something!  Yeah, try explaining that one!  😳

Weekly poll #36: Is there a season of the year that you associate more with sexuality?

Monday’s Mission #90

Your mission this week is to remember to pray for the mentors in your husband’s life, that God will use the men around him to speak life to him and to spur him on to love and good deeds. That he would be surrounded by men of integrity who would be good examples of how to live a godly life of love.

Q&A: Vaginal Tightness

“Due to age, my hubby does not find me “tight” enough. Any suggestions for lotions and/or creams that would be suitable to use to tighten up the feeling in my vagina? I have read about kegels, etc., but the old muscles are pretty much like jelly.”

Don’t underestimate the importance of doing regular Kegels.  This isn’t something that you can do for a week and then stop if you don’t see any progress.  If you do them correctly, regularly, and over time, you or your husband should notice a difference in a couple of months.  As with any exercise it’s important to continue doing them long term or else you risk losing any benefits you’ve gained from them.

There are creams and lotions out there that claim to “tighten your vagina” in an attempt to make sex better for you or your husband.  I happen to have one here called Like A Virgin that I bought from a sex toy party.  I tried it in the hopes of my husband noticing… and the night I used it he couldn’t tell a difference at all.  I never tried it again, although I wondered if maybe I didn’t use enough.

Vaginal tightening creams are even sold on Amazon.  They actually make your vaginal walls swell, thus making it a tighter fit inside.  I’ve heard positive and negative reviews on such products and believe that it really must vary with each individual woman.  If you are a woman who is prone to vaginal or urinary tract infections, you may want to think twice before trying such a product.

Finally, let me point out that there are some sexual positions that make things feel tighter for the husband.  You may be interested in reading more about this here:  Positions To Boost Confidence.

If any of you women out there have had a personal experience with a vaginal tightening cream, please leave a comment.  Or if you have a testimony dealing with Kegels that you’d like to share, please do so!

Q&A: How to Get Your Husband to Seduce YOU

In a previous article, we discussed ideas on how you could seduce your husband and now we are going to talk about ways to invite your husband to do the same for you. This article was inspired in part by the following email.

I have always had a hard time with my self-image. That being said, my husband caters to these purges of self-hate wonderfully, and lovingly, but inside the bedroom it is another story. It is very obvious that my hubby is attracted to me, but I am always, without a doubt, the only person who initiates sex. In addition to this, it is very rare that we have what you would call “sexy sex.” Our most intimate moments feel like two fish flopping on top of each other, for lack of a better description. It feels like there is a serious emotional disconnect between us during the act, and it is something that really tears at me, besides feeling unwanted because of never being propositioned. What I’m trying to ask, I suppose, is how to get my husband to seduce me and how I can go about helping him be the passionate person inside the bedroom, as he is outside.

For most people it’s a negative feeling to know that someone has an expectation of us and are disappointed that we aren’t meeting it so first of all I want to talk about keeping this process very positive and light hearted. As far as it depends on you, approach your husband very warmly and openly. You want to remember that this is a process of inviting him to something that will be better for both of you rather than persuading him to become something he is not.

It’s a good idea to maintain a bit of perspective. Try to be gracious and remember that in most circumstances it’s really about learning to be good lovers for one another. If you can learn to be comfortable expressing your sexual self to your husband and he is a decent man, you can get to a good place where you are able to communicate what you’d like.

For some men they need and want you to be very clear about what it is you want. For other men, they want a more playful and unintentional flirtation to entice them into wanting to seduce you. We’ve already talked a lot on our blog about the clear ways that you can communicate with your husband if a very straight forward and honest conversation if necessary so let’s focus more here on the playful ways that you can inspire your husband to pursue you more.

Let’s talk first about the importance of maintaining your own sexual vibe because when you feel sexy, you are going to communicate that to your husband even if you don’t mean to. Maybe staying active in sport or working out helps you with this. Maybe it’s how you dress. Maybe it’s how you keep your hair or wearing make up. There are a lot of non-physical ways that we can promote this sensuality, too. Some women find that the wonderful reading resources that are available today which discuss sexuality in a godly way are very helpful. And don’t underestimate the value of spending time with other women who possess a positive outlook on married sexuality.

So what are some ways that we can creatively step out and stir up our husbands beyond the ideas I already mentioned. I’d love to hear from our readers about things that have worked well, but here are some fun ways you might enjoy trying.

  • If your husband is a sports fan, offer yourself as half time entertainment. Bring him a drink and a snack and undo a button on your shirt.
  • Let him know at some point during the day by phone call or text that you have been thinking of him and are looking forward to seeing him when he gets home. This will get him thinking too and hopefully he will get some good ideas on what you can do together that night.
  • Share a memory with him of when you felt particularly loved or desired by him. Let him know how those kinds of things please you.
  • Don’t be bashful about changing in front of him. Keep the lights on. Turn towards him. Don’t rush. Let him enjoy seeing your body.

The idea is just to get him to notice you and be thinking about you. This, along with honest conversation, will really help a husband and wife to become good lovers and to share in initiating sexual contact.

The other aspect of the question in the email is how to make sex more passionate and intimate on all levels. We’ll discuss this in a future article.

Weekly poll #35: Is your husband your best friend?

In this poll, you should be able to add in your answer if it is different than the choices listed.

Monday’s Mission # 90

Your mission this week is to pick a day to be intentional about a romantic atmosphere in your bedroom. Light candles. Get some music going. Get a new set of sheets for the bed if you can. I think it’s normal in a lot of marriages for sex to become a tag on at the end of the and it’s not bad to add it in after the lights have been turned out, but it’s also nice to sometimes make it special even when there isn’t an occasion for it.

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