Monday’s Mission #102

Your mission this week is to find a way for your husband to discover a hidden love note from you. Maybe you want to stick it in his briefcase or lunch kit. Or maybe he could find it in his car or nightstand. Plant the note somewhere and make him smile.

Unhealthy Expectations

“I did a search for christian dominatrix. My husband is not a christian and expects so much of me and I am willing, but  I don’t know how to go to the extreams that he wants. He is into humiliation and pain which I see you guys don’t condone, but I don’t know how to fulfill his desires for that. He is really into porn and has had girlfriends all over the US. He has also paid dom’s to tell him what to do. I got involved once and it was ok, but I hated having a 3rd party involved in our sex life. I am not creative to txt him msgs to do and when I try to do it at home he blows me off. He wants me to dominate him, but won’t let me. I am a very very very sexual person. We have had sex once or twice if I was lucky since beginning of Feb. I try to dress up I try to do so much. He is very physical like smacking and grabbing my butt chest etc. outside the bedroom, but he never never initiates sex and when I do I am expected to do all the work. I have begged him to tie me up and tease me, but no cigar. I tried to text him today like your article said that I was enjoying myself and I would show him what I was up to later and he just said. OK and didn’t care. I feel hopeless that I will never have the sex life I want with him. I am so frustrated.”

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We decided to consult a professional on this email and so here is the response from Lauren Jordan, Certified Sex Therapist:

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I can hear how hurt and frustrated you are.  I would urge you to insist to your husband that you start sex therapy as a couple immediately.  From what you are saying, your relationship sounds very one-sided – with you putting all the effort into it, while he stays in a position of denying your desires, and demanding things from you.  This is not healthy, and it will take the help of a skilled therapist to help you two move out of this very negative and destructive pattern.  I can also imagine that he may not agree to go to therapy – but I don’t see how this can get better without both of you working hard to resolve these differences.

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Lauren Jordan, LCSW, CST
Free Libido Quiz

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Weekly poll #47: Besides sex, what is your GREATEST need from your husband?

Sorry, ladies!  Better late than never!

Monday’s Mission 101

I know this mission is late, but better late than never, right? 😀

Your mission this week is to surprise your husband with oral sex at an unexpected time. While he is on the phone. During his morning shower. When he gets home from work. If this is a difficult mission for you because of a hesitation you have regarding giving oral, just try to push your boundaries a little bit and see where it will take you. Give what you can.

Temptation: How We Overcome

1 John 1:5 – 2:2 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

Beautiful! Hope for forgiveness. Hope for sanctification. This passage is filled with so much promise. It’s a beautiful explanation of how God loves us as we are, but loves us too much to leave us that way.

We all deal with temptations to one degree or another, but when they begin to attack the solidity of our marriage covenant we need to step up our game. To be quite honest the temptations which attack our marriage are often issues which the church views as shameful and taboo. See this email we received from one woman:

I am a Christain woman and I love my husband very much and I have always had relationships with men.  However, I went through a divorce a while back and I “experimented” with women.  Mostly just out of wanting to feel loved somehow.  I have always been attracted to men but I sometimes feel sexual attraction for women too.  I have no plans of cheating on my husband period.  Whether it be with a woman or man and I am content in my marriage.  But why as a christian woman would I even feel this attraction towards a woman?  It always seems to come up and I squash it back down.  Is something wrong with me?

What a wonderfully honest email! I can not find any more fault with this woman as I would with someone who was dealing with any other temptation. And let us be clear that to be tempted is not sin. Temptation is a presentation for an opportunity to sin. What you do with the opportunity determines if it is sin or not.

For the purpose of this article we do not need to specifically address same sex attraction, but we do want to be aware of strategies to overcome temptation when our sexual focus on our husbands is threatened like this. Sexual temptation is common and whether it’s a temptation to get the attention of other men, to view pornography, to look outside of your marriage for sexual fulfillment or any other sin, we need to commit ourselves to be honest and deal with our temptations head on. I’ve had my share of opportunities to sin and God has turned what the enemy intended for harm on it’s head to teach me how to overcome. I hope what I have learned will be helpful and please feel free to share the strategies you have learned as well.

Strategy 1 ~ Supportive Relationships: These girls I co-write with on the Christian Nympho blog are among the women I have in my life who I can go to if I am tempted. They pray for me. They remind me of the truth. They neither judge me nor give me a green light to sin. So if you can bring along side of you women who you trust, it can be very helpful to have someone there who you can go to and ask for prayer. They don’t need to know every detail.

Strategy 2 ~ Prayer and Worship: This is a huge aspect of overcoming temptation. God always provides a way out and drawing close to Him in worship and prayer will help us see that way out. If we become filled with shame we, just like Adam and Even in the garden, draw away from Him and that is the last thing we want to do if we hope to overcome.

Strategy 3 ~ Declaring Truth: It’s so helpful to speak out what is true when you are being tempted. There is an aspect of deception in all sin so if you declare what is true it helps to affirm in your spirit your desire to pursue righteousness. It’s helpful to say it out loud, but even focusing your thoughts on truth is beneficial. Direct your attention on what is true and you will find more strength to chose what is right.

I loved the honest questions at the end of the email I quoted. Why as a christian woman would I even feel this attraction towards a woman?  It always seems to come up and I squash it back down.  Is something wrong with me? Well, yes, there is something wrong with this woman, but not any more than any of the rest of us. We were all born with a sin nature and it does influence us, but the good news is that the cross of Christ and His resurrection have set us free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:1-3). The process of sanctification will cause the influence of that nature to diminish. We really don’t need to white-knuckle our way through temptation. As we live in increasing measure in accordance with the Spirit (Romans 8:1-16) we find that more and more we are able to draw on that power of God that is in us to overcome every temptation we face.

I really want to see us all living in what God has for us so my prayer is that God will help you to establish strategies for learning how to overcome temptation. Don’t let temptation fill you with shame, but rather hold onto the truth of who you are as God’s daughter.

Husband Brags

Ladies, you’ve got to admit, that it is SO easy to tear our men down.   Really easy.   You get in a disagreement or an argument with him.   Maybe a real doosey of a fight.   Maybe he came home late from work and didn’t call you.  Did he forget your birthday?  Anniversary?  Talk bad about your mother?

I know it is SO easy to go to work and start ranting and raving about your husband.  Do you get on the phone and vent to your best friend or on a message board?

Satan makes it really easy for us to do this.  Gossip on our lips.   Tearing our marriages down brick by brick.  Why do we do this?  Why would  we tear down the hearts of the men we promised to honor and cherish all the days of our lives no matter what?  No one promised us that marriage would be a bed of roses….yeah, those roses might have been on our bed on our honeymoon, but years later, when times get tough, it’s probably been a long time since we’ve gotten any flowers period.   Are we honoring God when we dishonor our husbands?

Ladies, we are definitely dishonoring God’s design for our marriage.  Listen to God’s words in Ephesians  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)  What benefit is it to anyone that we speak so poorly of our husbands and tear them down?

This is my challenge to you.  Even when the times are tough…even when you don’t feel like it, find one good thing daily to say about your husband.   Post it on his Facebook page…say it to one of his coworkers…let him overhear you telling it to your friends…tell his Mom….tell him how much you love and appreciate him.   Ladies, I challenge you to be a Proverbs 31 wife.   ” A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.   She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:10-12, emphasis mine)  Do you have a spouse that is not a Christian?  Then make your love and devotion to him be a message by example of your love and devotion to God.

What do I do?  Anything I can to help my husband know that he is loved, respected and appreciated.   I am not the best at it all the time, but I do leave messages on his Facebook page.  I make sure that I do whatever it takes to try to make life as stress free for my DH as possible.  We are going through a very stressful time right now where DH isn’t home as often as he used to be due to family matters he is taking care of.  Me…I am at home, trying to keep his house and care for his children, so that when he does come home, he can feel loved and respected.  I try to model Christ for him.   What do you do to lift up your husband?

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Weekly poll #46: Where is the most interesting place you would like to ML to your hubby?

This really isn’t in poll format.  I wanted everyone to be able to respond in the comment area….    Make it be someplace you HAVEN’T made love in that you would like to …..  I’ll start here, and you can add yours to the comment section.

This past weekend, DH and I would have loved to ML in the bouncehouse we had for our dd’s birthday party…of course we didn’t GET to, but we WANTED to.

How about you?

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