Q&A: Finding a missing orgasm?

We got this email recently from a reader…

When my husband and I are making love-I get to the point where I am about to have a clitoral orgasm. I start to get a hint of one coming and then it shuts down. It happened once and now every time we make love I am afraid it will happen again and it does because my mind is dwelling on it. Then I feel empty a little because I didn’t orgasm. I don’t want to go to the bathroom and take care of myself if you know what I mean. I know that will start something bad. How do I get my mind to shut down and not worry about the orgasm? This just happened recently. Before this I would have no problem at all . I let my husband know that it is not him. He does please me. It’s my mind getting in the way.

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me.  I feel an orgasm coming on.  I can feel it start, and then just as soon as it starts, it’s gone.   It could be that we shifted position just slightly…it could be that he started thrusting at a different speed…it could be my mind races to something else, but the frustrating thing was knowing it was coming, and then it doesn’t.    No matter how hard you try, it won’t come back.

It’s a mystery, isn’t it?  It was there, and now it’s gone.  In the case of this reader, she may still have the longing to have it. Or someone else may be frustrated because it was right there on the tip of her clitoris!

There are two things to approach here.   First of all, do I go and finish it myself?    I wouldn’t unless I have permission from my husband.   I know that if I ask him, my husband would finish me in some other way, whether by oral, or by handing me a vibe and wanting to watch me get there with the vibe.  It can hurt your spouse if he gets the gist that he isn’t good enough to make you orgasm, and you’d rather take care of it yourself.   Is there a certain position that causes the clitoral stimulation better?  Was he thrusting fast or slow?  Is there some kind of touch that he can use to help?   Communicate to your spouse what was  happening when the orgasm started, and see if you can recreate it again the next time you make love.   There are times that I can get my husband’s erection back, even if he has ejaculated, and we can use a vibe on me while he is thrusting again.  If you and your hubby can do something like this, I would recommend trying it to see if you can get the orgasm to come back.

The second thing…how do I stop dwelling on it?   If you are a woman who has never orgasmed or has a very hard time orgasming, this can be very frustrating.  I used to be like this, and I am much more orgasmic since my awakening, so I am trying to think back here… The easiest thing to say is that you need to put it behind you.  Literally.  Just like repented sin, you have to leave it in the past and focus on the here and now.   Come into each lovemaking session with a positive attitude.  You know the book “The Little Engine That Could”?   What did he say?  “I think I can.  I think I can.”  If you come together with your husband each time with the expectation that you CAN orgasm, the mental aspect could really help you to relax and look forward to the possibilities that are to come.   If you still find yourself dwelling on it, you need to find a way to release the tension in your worry.   Take a long, hot bubble bath.    Put on some relaxing music.   Ask your hubby to give you a massage with lotion or oil.   Light some candles and bask in the warm glow during foreplay.   Is there something he can do for you during foreplay that might help get the body stimulated enough?  I know there are times when outer course can really get me going to where I am ready to beg him to enter me.   Whatever it takes to help you relax, I would make it a priority to help get ready for intercourse.

Remember that your husband loves you.  He will want to do anything to please you and to help you.  Be sure to communicate your frustrations with your spouse, and maybe he can help come up with some ways to help you relax and enjoy the lovemaking.   If you have any ideas for this reader and you want to add them to the comment section, I know it would be helpful to many.


  1. Well I’m right there with ya! Last night in fact I was left just hanging there I finally told my husband to stop trying and we would try again later!!! I wish I too could just get there sometimes its just to hard so I just dont want to try takes to much energy! I know that is not how God intened this I’m just not sure sometimes how to combat it. Why is it so easy for guys and so hard for girls I just dont get it! Anyways thanks for the advice I will also keep trying hopefully with prayer and the advice from this web site things will get better!

  2. I’ve been hoping this subject would come up. I’m very happily married. We got married last June. I however have never had a climax or even come close to one. I enjoy our sex relationship, but stimulating me down there doesn’t do anything for me. A back rub even feels better. I don’t want to worry about this, but then I know it is not normal as well. Do you have any suggestions?

  3. I JUST blogged about this today! I have been having the same problem. I used to orgasm every time my husband and I had sex, but lately, my orgasm has been shy about showing up to the party!

    I’ve found that a bit more foreplay, and trying out some new positions helps me. The excitement of the new positions help me get my mind off of my O. I also try to focus on the sensations, instead of my impending O, and sometimes, just the fact that I’m sharing this moment with my husband helps the process too.

  4. Is there definitely a problem with finishing after your DH is done? we have to use protection, and I find that my hubby tires quickly (back problems). because of the protection, once he’s come, he quickly goes to remove it and shower. if i haven’t had an O yet, sometimes I use this time to finish off. Do you think this is a bad idea, or wrong in someway? I do O with DH sometimes, but not every time… and it just leaves me feeling unfinished.

  5. Misscurious, does your husband know that you sometimes use the time while he’s in the shower to finish yourself? My advice would be like what Spicy Nutmeg said to the person who wrote the email-talk to him about it. Ask him if he minds! I know that my husband would not mind me finishing myself, but I also know that he would want to stick around for it. 😉 Maybe your husband would feel the same. There are many times when I am not able to finish during intercourse, or because there are time constraints or I know I’m really distracted, I know it would be quicker and easier if I helped it along by stimulating myself. So I let him finish, then I use a vibe for clitoral stimulation while he fingers me. My husband is not the type to rush off to the shower, though. If you talked to your husband and he would like to watch or be involved but he still feels compelled to shower as soon as he’s done, maybe he would want you to get started but wait to finish until he gets out of the shower? Or maybe sometimes you could videotape it for him and save it for later use. 😉 I know some husbands are uncomfortable with their wives masturbating, but my husband definitely enjoys it!

  6. … what about G-spot stimulation? Cuz clitoral stimulation bugs me bug not g-spot, and that’s just something you learn to work with 🙂

  7. wow.. can i relate to that! I too have had the very same thing happen and now i am so focused on that i often cannot relax to have one during intercouse… we then use a vibrator or just his hand. it is not how I want to make love every time!

  8. I agree with the part about shifting your focus… whatever we focus on is what we will go towards, even if it is simply “missing it again”.
    I’ve found a few times that just thinking about what’s going on at that moment- the love of my life inside me, his body moving with mine, How great it makes me feel, etc.- it gets me going pretty quick without even trying!
    Also, for me, positions have been important. There are a couple that work like a charm for me when I’m ready to finish, the main one being laying on my back w/DH between my legs.

  9. Well I definitely know how this feels as well! I am just now experiencing having an orgasm, and since reading everything on this site I have just now realized that I orgasm through clitoral stimulation. It happened last night for the first time as well, that I actually felt disappointed that I didn’t orgasm! We were trying to find my g-spot, no luck 😦 I think it’s good to communicate with your husband and ask him if it’s okay. I will ask mine as well, but deep down I always want it to be him to hit that spot!
    A few months ago I did a little research about tantric sex, not the singer Sting’s account, and definitely not a huge orgy. It focused on not concentrating on just the orgasm, but everything that comes before it. The touching, breathing, just feeling everything in the moment. Just try to have fun, like it’s a treasure hunt. Keep communicating and keep trying 🙂

  10. if you are having problems with this you might need to have your hormones checked,I do the natural hormones and they are WONDERFUL!!! you sounds like you need your testosterone checked my was very low now m is WONDERFUL!!!

  11. My big O’s have been eluding me, too, but it has more to do with DH’s addiction to porn. He always watches lesbian porn, and wants to talk about his fantasy of me and another woman. Yes, that is something I have done before long, long ago but I worked through that in a Bible study course. I tell him that me in a girl/girl scenario isn’t appropriate for our marriage, he calls me a hypocrite. As if I don’t see straight through that little bit of manipulation. He would honestly love to come home and “catch” me in bed with another woman, and has made it clear that I am free to have sex with another woman without him present and we can talk about it in bed later.

    It’s no wonder I can’t come when we have sex, really. So here is my epiphany: I will no longer fake orgasms. Ever. It is dishonest on my part, it inflates his already engorged ego, it leaves him no choice but to deal with me on our many issues. My hope that this will work lies within his (perceived) pride in his ability to rock my world. He can, too. Just not lately. I’ve had about maybe 1 orgasm a month with him because I’m so furious with him that coming when we make love may as well be an accident. So, I’m going to stop faking it and make him work as hard for me as I do for him. Yes, I am angry & frustrated but until God helps me sort myself/us into a better place, this is all I’ve got.

  12. @MizF. Yes God has patience in abundance and He will walk with both of you through this. Stay strong in Him!

  13. I was married for 7 years before I got my first Non-self-stimulated orgasm. (I can hear some of you sighing “Oh no”… but I still enjoyed sex – if it makes sense.
    Well, what changed? I had just finished a 40-wheat&sugar-fast (look at the website litenuf.co.za) and with Jesus and amazing journal times i’d lost about 5 kilograms (?10 pounds?)… then one morning while journaling I decided to give my husband a 40-day FEAST of sex… (i have PCOS so I only get my period 1 or twice a year)…
    And during those 40 days of making love EVERY day and sometimes twice a day – I got my breakthru !! I think the normal thought of ‘not tonight – cause it will be ALL for him and not for me… changed TOTALLY… to a YES – tonight! My hubby did not know WHAT hit him with the change from 2 or 3 times a week to 7 or 9 times! And the MORE you have sex, the more you want it. It was during THOSE times of never watching TV – because we could not get into each other quick enough – that I felt LOVED, longed for and appreciated and THEN i started to climax and climax and climax. This did it even MORE for my DH. We often talk about how those 40-days of non-stop-sex changed our sex-lives. Now we somtimes go at it for 2 weeks and then take a break.
    If there is not enough time to have long loving romantic focussed sex, I always let him stimulate me with OS or me helping myself as foreplay while he watches and as soon as I’ve climaxed – he enters me… Try this when he leasts expects it. Like when he is on the phone with a co-worker or his mom or family… then you just open your zipper and start stimulating yourself while he watches… if he looks like he quickly wants to end the call… scribble on a note: NO… wait until I have an O / climax… another option is to be on the phone with YOUR own mom / friend and then undress below and put his head between your legs… and just before you climax – cut the phone call short, put it down (make SURE it is off) and after your first self-stimulated O… guide him in fast… and enjoy the wave upon wave upon wave…

  14. Thank you all for your responses, it is good to know that I am not alone in this! I am a fresh newlywed, of three and a half weeks now. My husband is able to cum quite easily now, but I still have not experienced it yet! This might sound a little silly, but at this point pleasure is still really new to me, and I’m a little scared of the lack of control I have when I start feeling it. My husband tells me to let myself go, and I am still working on that. We ordered a dildo a while ago, and we are still waiting to receive it in the mail. We are hoping that it will help me get to orgasm. I feel really silly for feeling this way! Does anyone have any other suggestions? It would be so much appreciated!

  15. I can so relate to you Trisha. I think I tend to hold my breath too much too. Does oral sex help at all? I know it is easier for me to wait for my hubby to cum inside me and then start masterbating and it feels better for me (wierd huh)…we will grow together girl we just need to experiment 😉 Congratulations on being a newlywed, we are 23 years…

  16. Thanks so much for the encouragement! We did try oral sex in the beginning, and it did seem to help, but I don’t think I was stretched out enough at that point, so it would hurt going in and then I suppose all of that hard work my hubby put in to turning me on went back down because of the pain. I think we should try it again now that I am more stretched out. Thanks again, it helps to know that I am not alone in this! 🙂 And congrats on the 23 years of marriage!

  17. Don’t get stressed – just enjoy the pleasure that you are receiving from your husband as you work toward having an orgasm. You will get there eventually – probably sooner rather than later. If you don’t have a good Christian book about sex and intimacy in marriage, I highly recommend “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman for both you and your hubby.

  18. Trisha, your comment doesn’t sound silly. It is kind of scary to feel a loss of control; however, it’s that very thing that will lead to your first big O! Girl, the next time you start feeling that way, go with it, girl! Don’t hold anything back. Don’t be afraid of what your husband is going to think, because he’s gonna be lovin’ every minute of it! Fully embrace your sexuality, Trisha, and remember that it is a gift from God! 🙂

  19. Thanks for the recommendation! I am reading a book now called “The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. It is quite an old book, but very good. I know God will come through, as you all have said, I just need to enjoy what we have now and let myself go! There will be something good on the other side! 🙂

  20. Hey Trisha, hang in there! It took me *quite* a while to even feel comfortable during sex… if memory serves, something like 3 months… so give your body time to adjust. If you’re still experiencing discomfort during sex, then pleasure has a much further way to come before you can come!
    What helped me a LOT was masturbation in foreplay, during and after, as did communication in foreplay, during and after :). That and patience. Though I have to admit, I masturbated a lot before we got married, so it was actually the *lack* of pleasure I knew I could have that upset me! And even now, it’s only since giving birth that I can more easily orgasm without manual clitoral stimulation.
    What gets me going now is me lying on my back, DH cuddling alongside, one hand under me to finger me, and the other over me to play with my clitoris at the same time. I call it the “freebie” (i.e. no matter if I’m completely not in the mood and have said no, I’ve told DH he has permission to do that to me *whenever* he wants and 100% of the time it gets me in the mood quick smart! 🙂 ).

  21. Thanks again! I think I actually had my first O the other day, and it was amazing!! My hubby used a vibrator on me. This is definitely a good start! Thanks again to all who responded to me, I truly appreciate it! I am so thankful for this site!! 🙂

  22. Great! Very exciting!

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