Q&A: What will he think?

We had an email come in from a reader who is engaged to be married, and she asked…

I’m getting married this November and besides the obvious nervousness regarding having sex for the first time (the “ouch factor”), I am incredibly nervous about him seeing me “down there.”  I was “blessed” with a lot of hair down there… and everywhere.  I’ve talked to my fiance briefly about this subject and have told him about my nervousness.  He reassured me that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful no matter what, but I can’t stop freaking out about it.  I  was wondering if you had any tips on calming down about it or something that will help with the issue…?

This is a legitimate concern, especially for someone who is saving herself for her spouse.   Each of us has gone through puberty and watched our bodies grow and change.  We watched as our body grew hair in areas we didn’t know that we would.  It’s been our own private areas for so long.   Now as you approach your wedding, the thought crosses your mind…”What will he think?”

Not only about your pubic hair, but what will he think about me naked?  What will he think about my performance when we first make love?  Dear ones, if you have chosen to be equally yoked to a loving Christian man, he will love you like Christ loves the Church…just as you are.

If you are really worried about what he will think, this is a perfect time to start working on your communication skills with him.   Tell him your fears of what he will think about you when he sees you for the first time.  Ask him about his expectations of your first time together.  Ask him if he has any concerns or reservations on what YOU will think of him.   Take the time to lovingly answer each others questions and concerns.  This is the time to start setting up the foundation for your entire marriage, and talking through what you are thinking and what you could do to make your first time together a wonderful and relaxed experience for you.  Ask him how he would feel if he saw you as you are.   Ask him how he would feel if he saw you bare in that area.   Then talk about what you are comfortable about doing and come up with a compromise.

Now, if you think you are overly endowed with hair, there are many different things that you can do.  A Brazillian wax is an option.   Many women shave them self and have a routine of how often until they shave again.   I know women who shave their pubic area daily.  These depend on how you and your future husband feel about having a bare pubic area.  Some like it.  Some don’t.  Myself, I started with just trimming the hair in that area shorter.   You can trim with scissors or hair clippers once every few weeks.  Nice thing about trimming is it grows back if you aren’t comfortable with how short you trimmed the first time, so you can have time to practice getting it right.   I shave myself and then l trim a small triangle area.   I shave the hair on my inner thighs weekly.  I keep it trimmed to help avoid sweating and yeast infections.  My hubby….he wishes I would keep it shaved bare, but I am not comfortable with that, so I keep it trimmed short in compromise.  The thing I like about trimming is I also avoid the itch factor…now my friends out there who shave will offer advice I know on how to avoid the itchiness of hair growing back, but that is something to consider.

We have a few other articles on shaving that were already written.  You can find them here and here and here.

It is my hopes that by opening this topic to our readers that our readers may also share some of their experiences.   Unfortunately, I hadn’t saved myself for my husband, so he got a sneak peak before we were married, but I am sure there are other ladies out there that have been in this reader’s shoes and could offer some advice.

16 Comments

  1. I had the same concern about being seen naked for the first time. also I was concerned with how i’d react to seeing my hubby’s body naked. having caught undesired glimpses of my dad and older brother (icky..) i thought the male body naked was kinda… gross.
    but i got used to it. honestly though, it took more than half a year before i really enjoyed seeing my husband completely naked – though the aversion was gone almost immediately.

    ….but back to me and being nervous. we talked about it a little in the weeks before we got married – he assured me he’d think i was beautiful no matter what. I got some lingerie that was flattering and now i consider it to be very ‘modest’ lol, but back then it was so revealing! i had nightmares about the lingerie in my closet before we got married 😛
    i tried to tan a little and then i tried just not to think about it too much 😉

    the first night, i don’t think we saw each other’s bodies fully naked.
    if it’s not tmi… once the clothes were gone, we didn’t get far enough apart for a good view. i was most comfortable with that.

    then the next day, after having been together, we took a shower together and i think i was most nervous about that, lol. but eventually i got used to being seen without clothes on. I think everyone has some part of their body they’ve been embarrassed of, but if the husband and wife are willing to accept each other and praise each other as is, then i think they’ll both end up more comfortable with themselves.
    another big thing – let him praise you. i still work on this one, but when my husband tells me he thinks i’m beautiful, the worst thing i can do is argue with him.

    as far as hair goes, I do shave my pubic area now and it doesn’t itch me at all if i shave at least every other day, (i prefer daily, but with a baby, that rarely happens). and my man likes me best bare. you could try that, but it might be smarter to just trim at first (now that i remember, i did that. never occurred to me that i could shave it all off until nearly a year later, reading this website…), and later ask your hubby if he’d like you to shave it clean, if *you* want too.

  2. Hi! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! A few thoughts:

    1) Right now, I’m almost 27 weeks pregnant. My belly has been growing and dreaded stretch marks are appearing and growing. Because I am married to a godly man it is as Spicy Nutmeg suggested. He loves me as Christ loves the church. Because he knows I feel insecure about it, he regularly tells me how cute my belly is and how beautiful I am. Obviously, this isn’t the first time he’s seeing me naked, but I think it can have a similar effect.

    2) For my wedding, I got a bikini wax – for me this was almost as nerve wracking, because I didn’t want anyone else down there either. I did it so I could look cleaned up and so I wouldn’t have to worry about shaving for swim suits. Definitely, do this several days before the wedding, so you’re not dealing with reddness!! Also, a friend told me ahead of time to TRIM before you go – long hairs being waxed off can hurt, but if they’re trimmed slightly (but not too short – the wax needs something to grab on to) it can make it a lot easier. I also after the wedding purchased a bikini trimmer that helps me to keep things trimmed up. It’s just something you don’t really think about if you’re not married and not planning on having sex until marriage.

    You’re going to be nervous. Just the way you are the first time you do anything, but if you’re confident in God bringing the two of you together and his love for you there’s no reason for fear. Most likely he’ll be too excited about things to worry about hair anyway…

    Best wishes

  3. I would definitely suggest to trim. I have tons of wild curly hair on my head as well as “down there” and I just had an untamed bush for years before I got engaged. I got a bikini wax before my wedding which was incredibly painful and more expensive than I could maintain, and also led to ingrown hairs. Now I use a small electric “shaver” that just trims the hair. It stays neat and tidy and I prefer it that way myself, too. Now I can’t believe I just let my hair go crazy before.

    As far as self-consciousness… trust me, your DH will be so happy to be in the presence of your naked body that he will overlook any imperfections! Rejoice in being a woman. The male mind is programmed to desire you. I found sex (as a virgin on my wedding night) so much more natural and unself-conscious than I could ever have imagined.

  4. I wasn’t sure what to do with my “down there hair” either,but I knew I couldn’t leave it the way it was. I, personally prefer trimming, although my husband would love it if I shaved. I am far too busy to keep up with that! I use scissors, then go over it with an eyebrow trimmer. I do this about once a month or so. I’ve also noticed that when we ML, and it’s been too long since I trimmed, it, umm, gets in the way (I mean, it doesn’t have to be super long to get in the way!).

    Anyway you choose to deal with it, your wedding night will be exciting 🙂

  5. I have black hair that grows SUPER fast so I understand your “blessing” of hair. I have never tried waxing as I know it is a waste of pain and money – when I had other hair waxed it was back within a week so I know the pubic hair would be the same. I have shaved the entire area and loved the sensation of sex that night (although by then I had some stubble) but DH said nothing about it and it just isn’t worth the pain and itch of the next day. l I do shave the top and sides a bit daily and keep the rest trimmed. I trim at least once a week and keep it short. Not only is sex better that way but I also have less yeast infections. I just use a pair of small scissors.

  6. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! Preparing for your wedding and honeymoon is such a special time. Make sure you take time to breathe and enjoy everything; it’s over so fast.

    My DH and I were both virgins when we got married, so I can understand your fears.

    My first suggestion is that you pray. Pray for confidence in your own body, for peace about your first time, pray for your soon-to-be husband (he may not be telling you, but he’s probably nervous about everything, too). My second suggestion is that you read books about Christian marriage and sex (and if you’re reading this site, you’ve probably started that.) But also ask your fiance if he’ll read those books, too. As a society, we tend to believe that men know about sex inherently, but they are often clueless about women’s bodies. So definitely get education together.

    I, too, am “blessed” with hair. I admit a twinge of jealousy for women who don’t have to shave their legs everyday. I sometimes shave down there but it’s hard to keep up with…so now I save that for when I’m in a certain mood, or when we plan special date nights. Otherwise, I trim well with a small pair of scissors or a bikini trimmer.

    After 5 years, there are still times that I feel like apologizing before sex because I’m feeling fat or didn’t have time to shave. However, my DH doesn’t really care if I shave or put on that 5 pounds of worry weight. For the most part, men are easy. If your clothes are coming off, he’s not going to notice if you haven’t shaved or if your got new cellulite dimples. If he loves you, he will only see what’s beautiful about you. I think that’s part of God’s divine plan for sex. Women’s hormones help lessen pain and form bonds with their spouse; Men’s hormones help them see their wives in super model form.

    Also, if you’re still freaking out after your wedding, take things slow. There’s no rule that says you have to take all your clothes off and dive right into ML that first night. Take your time together and go out your own pace. If you feel beautiful and loved and comfortable with allowing him to touch you in general, the worry you feel about how he sees your body will eventually lessen.

  7. as a new married wife of one week i had a bit of trouble getting used to the thought of my new husband seeing me naked. we are both christians and have a very solid and strong relationship both with each other and with Christ. we have always been very open about everything to include sex. well the night of our wedding i was so scared and nervous even after he kept telling me that we wouldnt have gotten married if he didnt find not only my personality amazing and but also my body too… everytime that night that i would start to get nervious or scared my husband would ask me if i trusted him. or if it was ok. or if he was moving to fast. i would encourage you that if you are getting married then your fiance already finds you very attractive. and that you need to keep reminding yourself that he loves you and wants you to be happy. as for the “blessings” issue i agree with most of the others on here, i just trim and keep it short and that seems to help me feel a bit more confident. not only do i have to take time to keep things neat but i also spend that time to relax and pamper myself a little. just go slow keep reminding yourself he loves you and that you just need to pamper yourself a little. best wishes for your wedding day and i know you will beautiful!!

  8. i have been married two years, and i understand the uncomfortable feeling about the blessed issue. I find that waxing works the best, but when i dont have time for waxing (i use at home waxing kits instead of getting it done professionally, way less pricey) i shave, even tho shaving cuases lots of bumbs, itching and redness, and soreness.. shaving is nice because its quick, and i can get everything smooth and clean feeling in about five minutes, but i think shaving actually makes for more problems, because the next day it like you never shaved, and if you shave again, well it makes the skin very uncomfortable… waxing does hurt, but its worth it, because after the first day most of the redness and everything is gone, there is no itch, no ingrown hairs, because its starting the hair growth anew, and waxing also exploiates the skin, and plus it stays soft and smooth for a few weeks, so you get a break from the never ending hair problem. i use GIGIs wax kit from sallys beauty suply.. its the best one i have tried so far.. nair wax kits dont work most of the time, i have tried a bunch, and sometimes the hari remover creams can work, u just really have to watch how long you keep them on because they can burn!!!! but sometimes those too can be a nice break from shaving, but the hair does grow back just as fast as shaving.

    also, even if your soon to be says he is comfortable, and you still can’t shake that feeling, sometimes a wax will make you feel beautiful, even tho he already does.. but when you feel beautiful it can help lessen your nerves, and give you confidence.. and waxing really does help with that as far as the hair goes, because theres no stubble, your soft and smooth, and also you will be more sensitive to his touch, becaue one you will be able to relax more, because you wont be worried about “down there” and two because everything is exposed, and its just your skin, and his.

  9. In regard to general nervousness about the “ouch factor”:

    My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night. Our pastor suggested reading a book called “Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Kevin Leman BEFORE the wedding. It takes a very practical Christian approach to sex, including a rather detailed account of what many people experience on the first time.

    It was a GREAT book, and I would suggest it to first-timers, as well as couples experiencing difficulty in their sex lives. Or, for that matter, those who have good sex lives but want GREAT ones!

    We read most of the book together and took time to answer each others questions.

    Congratz on your upcoming wedding, and may God bless your marriage!!

  10. I just finished that book! I’ve been married 6 years but I really wish my husband and I had read that book before we got married. It’s the best pre-marital/marriage book on sex I’ve ever read. We got a bunch of pre-marital books for wedding presents but I wish someone had given us that one!

    The first 4 chapters are for those who are engaged. Read those chapters but save the rest for the honeymoon. Best advice I could give anyone who is getting married! 🙂

  11. Sheet Music IS a fantastic book. I teach a marriage class and I gift that book to all of our couples every class. Highly, highly recommend.

    Also, I have had friends who recounted their wedding night as painful, and it’s unfortunate because it does not have to be that way. I was blessed with a patient husband whose #1 concern that night was my comfort. We took it very slowly, and, to be frank, we did not obtain full penetration until the third try on our honeymoon. This was not because I was scared, but because we allowed time for my body to “stretch” to be able to accommodate him.

    It did not detract from the experience, (yes, even for him). It actually added to it. It was something we could work towards together and we celebrated when it finally occurred. No blood, no pain, just patience, love and fun.

    This is something that far too few couples talk about and plan for ahead of time. Some men just don’t realize how painful it can be, and many women are too worried about disappointing their husbands to say anything. Some just accept that a painful first night is the way it’s supposed to be and prepare for that; how sad. Unfortunately, a night like this can lead to a disillusionment of what is supposed to be a wonderful sex-life, and it can lead to heartache for many brides on their wedding night.

    Take it slow, use lots of lubricant, have patience, and loads of fun. Above, all, talk, talk, talk, before, during and after. This will help to set you up for success rather than disappointment. God bless.

  12. Ditto to all the above. I just thought I’d emphasise that you don’t have to make a forever-and-ever choice on how to deal with it now. Pick an option that helps you relax, and if you decide to try something else down the track, that’s okay!
    Re the hair: I flipped between doing nothing and the bikini shaving thing for several years, but over time discovered that my hair got caught and made ML a little uncomfortablle for both of us (and was uncomfortable to live with for days after shaving so I didn’t do it very often). DH asked me to try a Brazilian. I resisted for ages, because I felt hurt that he didn’t seem to be accepting me as I was. But eventually I decided to try – and I’ve been having it done every 4 weeks now for 5 years (except when I couldn’t get away from the baby for more than 2 hours at a stretch – at which time I noticed that the hair had significantly thinned out and was staying that way)! I like how it looks and feels, and so does DH! Yes, it is expensive, but it’s a priority in our budget and we sacrifice other things because we like to enjoy my body in that way. (Ingrown hairs can be an issue, but you can get liquid to wipe on after a wax to lift them out before they have a chance to get ingrown.)

  13. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! i was a November bride as well. Great time to get married. 😉

    You’ve got great advice above so i’ll just share my general experience in case it could be an option for you.

    unfortunately we were not virgins our first nite as husband and wife but 2 years prior to our marriage we became celibate. i “reclaimed” my purity in my heart and mind and wouldn’t you know that months before my wedding I became just as nervous and concerned as i assume many virgin brides do! (unfortunately, i didn’t find a gracious ear for my situation at that time bc in general they couldnt understand what my ‘problem’ was if i’d previously been active 😦 )

    with much prayer for confidence I revealed my nervousness and fears to my husband. he was very understanding. communication is paramount in this area. do not feel afraid to go to him with this. it actually helps to build intimacy by revealing your concerns and/or fears.

    what we decided was that if ML didn’t flow naturally that night, we wouldn’t force it. we’d cuddle, make out, perhaps do other things. this is what worked for us.

    we did end up ML late that nite (morning wedding) and it was beautiful. but only after some general cuddling and a nap! (we were soooo tired) i’m certain that the communication and releasing the pressure to perform helped us just really let go, be comfortable and feel the love.

  14. I’m so impressed that this lady thought about this issue before her wedding night. I never gave this topic (of shaving) any thought! I thought you just had what you had, kinda like chest size 🙂

  15. Why do we need to go through painful waxing anyway? can’t our ‘God loving’ husbands love us with just a nice trim?

  16. Dana, it’s a choice we are all free to make. While you prefer trimming, which is perfectly fine, some prefer waxing. It’s all a matter of choice.


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