Q&A: Warming gels and lubes

We had a reader ask the following question:

I’ve often seen in stores “Warming Gels” Some inexpensive KY brand. some a little more pricey. Do you have any experience with them? What about using them with Oral sex? Thanks!

Back a few years ago when my awakening began, DH and I experimented with getting my arousal level up, and one of the things we tried was “warming lubes”.   We tried several different kinds, and I am trying to think back to my opinions on them.

If you go to amazon.com and search for warming lubricants, there are so many to choose from!  I believe we tried Astroglide warming , Durex, KY Yours and Mine, and one other that wasn’t really a warming lubricant, but was a cream that you applied directly to the clitoris to get a “tingly” sensation for arousal purposes…for the life of me, I cannot remember what it is called, but I bought it at Walmart.

I know that my husband and I haven’t had much success with Astroglide of any kind.   KY Yours and Mine was really disappointing to me.   The commercials made it look like something any marriage bed couldn’t do without, but I found it kind of  “meh”.  It did give a tingly sensation for me, but when ours “met”, there were no fireworks.   I always thought it was kind of a dud.   I think the Durex was probably the one I liked the most out of the three lubes I tried, but it’s been forever since I used it.

Overall, I found, for myself, that I have really sensitive skin, so they didn’t always work as well for me as I would have liked.  You do get a tingling sensation, a warming sensation that does get you “going” so to speak, but they always ended up feeling like they were burning my skin…but then again, I do have very sensitive skin there, and I could have used too much in my attempts to get aroused.  I would be willing to try them again, since it has been years since I used them.   In moderation, they would probably be fine since my labia seem to be the most sensitive area now a days,  and not my clitoris.

So ladies, what experiences have you had with warming lubricants and gels?   Which ones have you tried?  Which ones did you like?  Which did you not like?   Please feel free to add your comments below.

Being Sharpened

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Are you afraid of sharpening? Does the pain and discomfort negate the vision for potential fruit? Does the risk that it may not bring the fruit you hope it will keep you from pressing in when you are feeling pressure from the chisel? I wish I could say that I have always answered those questions positively with brave certainty, but the truth is that I haven’t. And sometimes I have believed one thing to be true until it was tested and I realized that I was drawn more to what was familiar and safe than being willing to walk confidently into the process of sharpening. What I can say, though, is that part of my process of maturing in Christ has involved repeatedly seeing that the process does in fact always produce godly fruit if we have are looking to find God in the situation. If we have rebellious and resistant hearts, then any fruit is not usually lasting.

So why am I talking about this on the CN blog? Because marriage is one of the best ways to see this iron sharpening in action. In fact, my husband and I are in a season of sharpening at the moment and even though we are not even through it yet, I am seeing the hand of God in it. And I am seeing that the fruit of it is good. The fruit is deeper intimacy. I am finding that one of the things which contributes to a trial without fruit is fear. Fear of upsetting your spouse. Fear of being honest and admitting an error. Fear of failing your spouse’s expectations. When we are operating out of a place of fear, it causes us to feel the need to hide as Adam and Eve did in the beginning.

Up until recently, I had been encountering people who were trying to convince me that conflict was a positive thing. The problem is that, for some reason, the people telling me that were more highly combative than myself in conflict so what they were saying seemed like it had some truth in it, but to receive it was like trying to grasp the air. It has been in the safe and maturing relationship with my husband that I have finally been able to begin to understand. You see, I have a husband who has dedicated himself to integrity and submission to the process of sanctification so the result of him maturing in Christ is that more and more with each passing year God gives him revelation and insight into my heart. He sees me as God sees me. And because I have committed myself to the same character development we are finally, after over a decade in marriage, beginning to be able to enter a conflict without our own perspective on the world being the only one we see. For the first time in my life, my husband and I are in a conflict (not with each other, but with a stressful circumstance) and I do not feel negatively about it. It’s hard, but I don’t feel the anxiety that I used to during conflict.

With my growing confidence that it is safe to fail my husband and know that he will extend me grace, I am becoming free from fear. As we become more aware that we have different instinctual ways of communicating and work to honour the other’s natural response to conflict, the sharpening process between us is a lot easier. It’s getting less important to me to try to change my husband’s natural tendency to be someone who processes his thoughts by talking. And it’s getting less important to my husband that I process my thoughts internally first and then speak them out. The times when I am silent are less of a mystery to him now.

The longer I walk with God, the more I feel optimistic about this sharpening that he allows in our lives. It’s never pleasant. He doesn’t enter the scene on a white horse and take all our troubles away, but when He enters He does redeem what we offer Him. So the next time you begin to feel the pressure from the chisel, press in a little bit and invite God in.

Weekly poll #49: Grade your communication skills

With school being out in and report cards coming in, let’s take the time to grade our communication skills with our spouse….

Monday’s Mission #103

Your mission this week is to think about ways that you could make your bedroom more relaxing. Include your husband in this. Are there ways that you could make the space more restful, inviting and romantic? Maybe more effort in keeping it tidy? New sheets? Add some new lighting? Get some music in there? Whether you are looking for a total change or something simple, see if there is anything you could do to make your bedroom an even nicer space to being in.

Q&A: How do I ask for oral sex?

“My husband has never given me oral sex and is uncomfortable talking about sex in general.  I love to go down on him and he really enjoys it too.  Any suggestions on asking him to go down and give it a try?  I kind of feel like if he hasn’t taken the initiative maybe he doesn’t want to do it.  I feel embarrassed to ask but I’d really like to have the experience.”

What a very sensitive subject!  I can certainly understand your desire to want to experience it, but how to go about asking for it can be somewhat intimidating.  Well, let’s talk about a few things that may help to pave the way for your husband giving you oral sex.

Hygiene. If you want your husband sticking his face between your legs, then make sure you are CLEAN!  When you shower, make sure that you are cleaning around your vulva lips, hair (if you have hair), and perineum and anus area.  The simple truth is that we women self lubricate, and when you combine that with sweat and using the bathroom during the day… it can make for some unappealing odors.  If you have hair, be aware that it can trap odors, making them worse.  If you don’t have hair, be aware that the smooth skin can actually sometimes sweat worse because it doesn’t have the hair as a ‘buffer.’  I like to keep myself shaved bare, but I also like to go commando most of the time.  I have learned that in skirts and dresses I may actually need the panties to help absorb sweat and cut down on odors on warm days.  So I compromise with thongs.  🙂

Opportunity. If it’s cunnilingus you want, then make sure you are giving him opportunities to try it out.  Instead of always kneeling to give him oral sex, which always puts your genitals out of reach, change things up a bit.  While you are lying on the sofa or bed making out, turn your upper body downward toward his feet and lean over and start giving him oral sex with your vulva still up near his face.  Open your legs slightly and let him see.  If you’re daring enough then finger yourself while you are giving him oral pleasure.  These things will be open invitations for him to touch you.

69. You could always bring up the subject of doing “69” together and see what he thinks/feels about it.  You could even bring him to our website and show him our position #46 and ask him if he’s willing to try it out.  This is basically the same thing as asking him to perform oral sex on you, except you are not having to use those specific words, and you will be giving to each other mutually.  I normally prefer the more direct approach, but because you say he is uncomfortable talking about sex in general, I thought that this would be a way to ask for it without having to ask for it.  This would be basically the same thing as giving him a BIG hint that you want to try it.

Be Direct. If you have been working overtime on the cleanliness and have given him opportunities and hints and nothing still seems to be working, then maybe you should just be direct with him.  I know that you said he isn’t comfortable talking about sexual things, but sometimes we need a little encouragement to come out of our ‘comfort zone’ in order to grow.  I would suggest that you pick a time to talk to him outside of your marriage bed.  In other words, don’t wait until you are in the middle of sex to mention it.  Tell him you’d like to sit down and talk to him about something and ask when would be a good time.  Make sure you two are alone and have each other’s undivided attention.  Start off by telling him some of the things that you love about your sex life.  Mention things that he does or says that make you melt.  Then say that you’d like to have a conversation about anything new you two might like to try together, and ask him if anything is on his mind that he’d like to try… maybe a new position etc.  Listen to what he has to say. Then at some point mention that you’ve been wondering what it would be like to receive oral sex.  “Honey, do you think that is something we could try?” Hopefully the conversation will go further and you two can discuss it.

If you absolutely do not think you will be able to get him to talk to you about sexual things, then you could always write it out for him to find.  Two ways are using email or a notebook.  You can write out your thoughts and feelings into the first page of a notebook and leave it on his side of the bed.  Tell him one evening that you wrote him a note and that you’d very much like for him to write you a note back in reply if he can.  That way maybe he will be able to write out his thoughts to you easier than saying them out loud face to face.  (This method has worked for other couples that have the same issues with talking.)  You can keep the journal in a nightstand and write back and forth to each other whenever you need to.

You may find that your husband feels inadequate at giving oral sex.  He may be too scared to try because he doesn’t have any experience with it and doesn’t know how to start.  If that’s the case then feel free to print out any of our articles pertaining to oral sex!  Here are some that you may be interested in:

Naked Time

Do you ever get any “naked time” with your husband? I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about time that you are just naked together. You know…hanging out, cooking dinner, watching TV, playing a board game, etc. Most of us who have small children probably don’t get much naked time together, and I’d be willing to bet that most of you don’t even think about it much either.

Sometimes when our kids go to bed at night, I’ll strip down on the sofa and get under a blanket with my husband. We’ll watch a movie together that way. He rarely gets naked with me, although sometimes he’ll surprise me and walk through the house, to the kitchen, naked just to hear me giggle. I’d love to be able to cook dinner nude, except for an apron (I just bought a new one for just this reason!) but having the kids makes it hard. But boy, just think about all the meals I can cook naked once our kids are off to college! 😆

I’m thinking of asking my husband to have a naked night with me soon. That would entail putting the kids to bed, and then just stripping down naked for the remainder of the night. It’s a strange feeling to walk around the house in the buff, and I think we’d both get a kick out of it! The summer time is perfect for this too. 💡 Maybe we could call grandma and have her watch the kids for us one night! Dinner naked, dessert and coffee naked, clean up naked, watching a movie together naked, playing a card game naked, getting in the pool naked, etc.

I think it would surprise my husband if I actually went through with a naked night. So I’ll have to give this some serious thought. If I ever do go through with it, I’ll come back and post a comment here. In the mean time, do you ever have naked time with your husband?

Weekly poll #48: What is the height difference between you and your hubby?

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