Comment by RuthAnn on October 19, 2010 9:37 am

Years ago, while I was pregnant with my first and a refuser, I discovered my husband was renting porn at a alarming rate. We had a big blow up about it and he said he wouldn’t do it again. Earlier this year I discovered a videotape that he had recorded and kept those movies. He said he had not watched it and I was forced to trust him.
I enjoy reading stories. I used to read the stories on the internet but have stopped. They are full of disgusting acts. I do still read romance novels with elaborate sex scenes. This probably is not right but I haven’t moved to stop.

Comment by queennai on October 19, 2010 12:32 pm

I am sure there are ladies out there like you, we are all human and sin or temptations do not discrimenate .i will pray for you, it is hard when you have been watching at an early age. i was exposed to it at a more mature age when i knew what was right or wrong , so i had to make my choices well-knowing it was a wrong choice. keep working with your boys, you surely can change the pattern for them & their kids!!Good work there and keep praying about it !!

Comment by jdslady on October 22, 2010 9:10 pm

My husband and I used to watch it together (please note this was at my request – I was exposed to it at an early age and developed a bit of a mild obsession with visual and written porn that stayed with me for about 15 yrs) and all I can say about it is that when we did watch it, our sex wasn’t nearly as satisfying as it is now. God has helped deliver me from the hold these images had on me, including removing my desire to even read graphic romance novels, and ever since my husband and I have the MOST satisfying sex we’ve ever had!! I know this is a very personal thing for each couple, however, in my experience, porn of any kind is not only unnecessary but is actually detrimental to a healthy sex life for any couple, let alone a Christian couple seeking God’s blessing on their lives.

Comment by jdslady on October 24, 2010 8:34 pm

sj1234: I’m happy to have helped in any way — and you’re right that the effects take a long time to get rid of and they do have a nasty habit of popping just to snag us when we least expect it. I’ll be perfectly honest, it’s not something I’ve readily confessed to God because of the shame I feel about it, but when I was obedient to His call to get rid of the romance novels, He was faithful (as always!!) to remove a great deal of the hold those images and ideas had on me. And when I wasn’t expecting my husband to live up to the ridiculous standards set for sex and “romance” posed in those silly books, all of a sudden I wasn’t nearly as disappointed with what I had — I could see my husband’s efforts and know that he was still the love of my life and there just isn’t anything or anyone out there better for me.

Comment by jdslady on October 25, 2010 2:37 pm

In answer to that question, I think that there’s something to be said for keeping yourself ‘in the mood’ (for lack of a better way to say it!) by using things that are available to you. Also, I firmly believe that what is a sin issue for me isn’t necessarily going to be a sin issue for every other woman out there.

However, with a lot of these romance novels, the whole point of the story is the act of adultery and/or promiscuity, and I find that letting even the idea of that into my head is the easiest way to feel like there might be something else out there better and more satisfying than what I already have, even if I wasn’t dissatisfied before I read the story. I have such a vivid imagination that sometimes even the images created in my head when reading stories can be as strong as something I actually visually experienced, so these were a tool of the devil with me. I just had to get rid of them.

I did keep three of my novels when I did “The Great Purge” because these novels made a point to not engage in any type of sexual activity between the main characters until after they were married; they don’t have specific Christian values in them by any means, but they still honored the marriage covenant and therefore didn’t cause the other issues I had experienced.

Mostly, I now read Christian romance novels (which are usually almost twice as expensive, but I shop on the clearance racks!) and I really enjoy them because they remind me how wonderful my husband actually is and what a gift from God he is. In my experience, feeling a rejuvenated love for my husband is the best turn on I’ve ever experienced and beats the crap out of those silly books for keeping the “mood” :o)

Comment by sj1234 on October 25, 2010 3:55 pm

(Sorry this is so long and I hope it’s found to be helpful!)

steph – I know what you mean. I have thought this same thing many times, concerning novels. I can honestly say that when I was reading them my mind would wander to them while my husband and I had sex. I would never fantasize about the men in the stories, just the actions they were doing and the pleasure the women were experiencing. And during those times my husband and I would have amazing sex.

But I still felt dirty about it (at that time my husband didn’t know I was reading them). I think it’s because I’m supposed to find my total sexual fulfillment in my husband … and yet I was leaning on a crutch to get there – these novels. (I often wonder about the power of “innocent” chick flicks in this same way … just a tangent – sorry.) 🙂

Since I’ve stopped reading them, they no longer fill my mind. (The temptation is there for me to linger on those past stories/plots, but because I’m not actively filling my mind with it anymore they don’t come to mind as frequently.) As I fight through wanting to masturbate while my husband’s not home (or read a novel, etc) I have found that when he and I do come together it is so wonderful. At those times I truly do find him more attractive and desirable because I see him for who he is – my wonderful, loving husband who has a heart to please God and me. I don’t know how to best explain it, sorry! I just know what I’ve experienced.

I think THE most important aspect of this has been my relationship with Christ. (And let me say I’ve been a Christian all my life and have experienced great personal times of growth in Christ – by His grace!) In a lady’s Bible study I’m a part of through church I was recently reminded of the second half of Romans 1. Paul mentions that when the people became foolish and started filling their minds with foolish thoughts God “gave them up to their sinful desires.”

WOW! This hit me over the head last year. I was not filling my mind with God’s Word regularly nor remembering His grace and I was sooo being drawn into my sinful desires. I was not actively remembering the grace God has shown me in my life NOR acting like I loved and cherished God. I was not reading my Bible and not praying to him (for myself or others). And it was at this time that I was deep in the novels, online pics, etc.

I’ve come to see that I need to be actively remembering God’s grace and leading in my life every day. I need to trust Him. Not just ask Him to “help” me trust Him … but in hard (and good!) times to actively say, “I trust You!” Romans 8:28 – “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” He is faithful to this! Praise Him!

I need to be filling my mind with His Word and His promises of love. (I do need to remember that He is also a God of judgement, but with struggles like this I find that I don’t need that reminder as much as I need to be reminded of His love!)

*** I know that this blog has a bunch of great articles about a lot of this. (Reading romance novels, writing your own erotica, finding your fulfillment in God.) If you haven’t already, try searching for them on here! They’re encouraging!

Comment by sj1234 on October 29, 2010 1:03 pm

Hi steph –

I will say that we have always had a good sex life. My husband comes from a family of GREAT communicators (me, not so much) and he’s been so helpful to me by keeping our “lines of communication” open during our marriage. That includes talking through our feelings before sex (I mean, when we’re angry, frustrated, etc … we don’t ALWAYS sit and have a heart-to-heart before sex). 🙂 Which is why it was easy (after a year) for me to talk to my husband about my struggles.

I’ll say a prayer for you now that God will remind you again of His love, bless your marriage, and give you peace about any decision you come to regarding novels. Again, what a wonderful reminder it is to know that He is faithful in the lives of His children!

Comment by midwestgirl on November 15, 2010 11:37 am

Okay. So, I’ve posted this same question on another post as well but I’ve been looking for some other perspectives on the issue. My husband and I live in an apartment and they are anything but sound proof. When we inevitably hear our neighbors having sex, we both get extremely turned on. It’s not that either of us are attracted to or lust after our neighbors, the sounds of sex are just very arousing. In part due to the noises we’re hearing and the excitement of knowing that the neighbors can also hear us, the sex we end up having is incredible! Is this wrong? I can’t really stop my neighbors from making love or myself from becoming aroused and I don’t want to give up the incredible sex we have as a result.

Comment by susan anthony on November 16, 2010 10:50 am

I think that one of the most important things we can do for our husbands regarding our sex lives is to make a commitment to not feel guilty about the the gift God has given us. I know for me this was not always the easiest thing to do. I don’t want to blame the church but for generations upon generations, the church (run pretty much exclusively by men by the way) has gone out of their way to try to control woman’s sex lives and guilt has been their weapon of choice. It is so sad to me to think of all the woman out there who did and do suffer in silence as a result.

What you mention is completely natural and normal. How could it not be! Not to be crass but when I enter a restaurant and smell good food — I want to eat!!! So it is with sex. When I hear (or see or read) about sex I want to have sex. There have been many days after reading something someone has written on CN that I’ve been horny to the point of counting the minutes until my DH came home so I could rip his clothes off. I’m sure others have done the same. When I watch tasteful erotica or read something spicy or luckily hear something not meant for my ears, I don’t lust for the people I’m seeing or reading or hearing — I lust for my husband! If I had to analyze why these things are so powerful it would be because what they all do is reinforce this idea that sex (with a committed partner) is an act that’s good and normal and to be celebrated. Not something to feel guilty about.