Sacred Sex: Chp. 3

So the whole focus of this chapter was to show us how important ONENESS is in our marriages.  Again, I like how he used a real example for us (Brenda & Kevin) and walked us through their struggles and growth.  I highlighted his quote on page 49:  “Whenever we make orgasm the goal of sex, we will fail to experience godly sex.  In other words, the “Big O” of sex is not orgasm; it’s oneness.” Then two pages later he said:  “Orgasm delights for a moment; oneness lasts a lifetime.” How profound!  I almost want to print it out and hang it on my refrigerator or something! (almost 😆 )

When he talked about praying together (page 52) it kind of hit home with me.  We never pray together.  I wished we did, but it’s just not something we’ve ever done.  I pray often but it’s always alone.  It would be nice to pray together before making love, and not only that but it would be nice for my dh to LEAD in us praying together.  Mr. Gardner is right that I would indeed find that sexy and sensual, in an odd sort of way.  It would touch me inwardly and help to break down any barriers/walls I had up (even ones I didn’t realize were there) in order to have a more fulfilling, emotional, and spiritual ONENESS with my husband.  Anyone else see it this way?

I did relate somewhat to what he said on page 55 about people struggling with control issues.  (That would be me 😕 )  I am a very orgasmic woman and have a history of having multiple O’s in one love making session.  However, I do find myself more ‘on guard’ than not and do find it hard sometimes to, as he says:  “abandon myself to the love and care of the other.”   I have friends who would describe me as somewhat of a control freak.  I admit that losing control is a very uneasy feeling for me and not one that I experience a lot.  I think I’ve grown to struggle with this more in recent years than past years, even though I know in my head that I need to take LESS control and give God the ULTIMATE control.  I would have liked to have read more about this than just the one paragraph he gave us, but I realize that this book wasn’t written just for me and my own issues… and so I will read on!

Sex being a form of worship… umm… okay.  I will admit that it is kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around this one, but I finally kind of saw what he was saying…I think.

I LOVE that he quoted the Song of Songs!

In the last couple of pages of this chapter, he told us about another book by Scott Stanley, where Mr. Stanley uses the analogy “between the children of Israel standing at the edge of Canaan, the brink of the Promised Land, and Christians standing on the brink of God’s design for marriage.” The Israelites missed out on the blessings that God wanted to give them because of their fear and lack of trust.  Some of us are that way too…missing out on blessings in our own marriage beds because of something holding us back, like our own fears, or pride, or even our own stubborn self wanting to stay in control.

Not sure what else to say right now.  I believe that chapter 3 has had the biggest impact on me thus far.  What do you all think?


  1. I feel like everything you just wrote came straight out of my head! Especially the praying together, only a few times have we ever prayed together, and the couple times he has prayed with me for me, WOW, I have never felt so loved by my husband!

  2. As Always this book is really getting to some of my issues. I really could relate with the couple that he uses as an example. I dont think that it is as extream now as they are, but ti has been before. I really like sex, but there are a lot of time when I could take or leave it. There is also alot of physical affection from my dh that sometimes make me feel like her is begging for sex. Often that is not the case, he just shows affection through touch (it took me forever to figure that out) so I do my best not to blow it out of porportion. But reading the chaper, it reallly hit me that I am like those isrealites standing at the edge of the pormised land thinking “I believe that this is from God, that it is holy and meant for me, but I dont think that I can overcome the issues that exist for me to get there.” I dont trust God and I dont trust my dh! Yikes! I really hate when I realize I am wrong. I can believe wholeheartedly that sex is holy and that it is worship. I believe that God is giving us this grace freely and that sex is a sacrment (I am Catholic and we believe that sex is the acctual moment when the wedding grace is given. It is the piviotal part of the marriage sacrment.) but I struggle with the basic letting go of control. I have had a lot of problems in the past with getting to orgasm, and my way of fixing that was to start taking more control with the use of toys. This made sex a LOT less stressful for both me and my dh, but I also think that I have lost some oneness is the battle to fix the orgasm. So now, thanks to this book, I am hoping that I will be able to work and focus on oneness. I love how much this book is making me streach and grow! Thanks for offering this dicussion!

  3. Okay, confession that I haven’t finished the chapter yet. Partially because I was out of town last week, partially because it’s sooooo hard to digest everything! I feel like I miss stuff and need to go slower or re-read or something.
    Me too on the prayer thing. The one time that happened I sobbed through the whole thing, that was a least a year ago, probably longer. It’s one of those things that I want, I know I want, but as much as I desire his leadership in that area, I know I can’t force him or pester him into doing it, but I don’t know how to get from where we are to where I would like to be.
    I must not be at the control issues section yet, but now that I know it’s there I can hear it calling my name! I struggle with control, but I’ve come to the place where I realize that it is mostly out of (unfounded) fears about what will happen and anxiety about the unknown. Of course, understanding that doesn’t make it easier to resolve.
    Okay, going to read some more now…..

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