I’m not sure about you all, but I found chapter 6 to be a lighter read than the previous chapters. Finally a chapter that I felt like didn’t step all over my toes. (Or maybe this was the chapter that finally stepped on yours?) I absolutely LOVE the fact that he invited his wife Amy to co-write this chapter. It flowed well from his POV to hers.
I liked the discussion about the difference of the sexes, and in particular the part about how sex is never just about sex, but rather is always full of other things as well (p.114) Tim tells us that men want to feel loved and desired by their wives, and having a wife initiate sex makes them feel that love & desire. Amy then asks women: ” …to prayerfully examine their view of sex. Is it something you do merely to satisfy a physical urge of your husband and therefore you can say no, knowing he won’t die and not worrying too much about it? Or is sexual intimacy a way for you to reach out and love your husband in a way that touches him on a deeply emotional level and therefore makes him feel valued and loved?”
The way they described their evenings was easy to relate to (p.115). They each shared their expectations and hopes for how the day would end from coming home from work, dinner, putting the kids to bed, etc. It really makes you think when you see it coming from two different perspectives doesn’t it?
I think the part on fatigue may hit home with many women (p.117). Those two paragraphs, while short, pack a strong punch. I have those entire paragraphs highlighted in my book.
Oh, and the part about breakfast…what a great comparison! He asks wives if we knew that our husbands felt the most loved if we would get up twice a week and make them some eggs and bacon would we do it? It doesn’t matter that he has the means to make it himself, nor does it matter if sometimes an outside factor makes it so that we can only do it once…the question is that if we know that is how our husbands feel the MOST LOVED, would we make it a point to do that for them twice a week? Now change those eggs and bacon to making love… yeah, a bit of an eye opener, huh? (For more on this read pgs.124-125)
As usual there was much more to this chapter than I can write about. They actually wrote a lot geared toward the husbands as well, talking about respecting your wives and showing them nonsexual love and gentleness. They also talked about being sensitive to your wife’s needs. I liked their idea of having a “Date to Communicate” (p.129) This would definitely be a great chapter for couples to read together.
Okay ladies, what was your take on chapter 6?
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Christian Nymphos 
I agree, this chapter was much simpler to digest for me as well.
Things that struck me:
He points out that “Men and women are both guilty of expecting their mates to read their minds.” I AM SO GUILTY OF THIS! I’ve been thinking about it, and I wonder (at least for me) if this doesn’t originate from our growing up families. I “get” it now that I’m older, but when you are a kid, doesn’t it seem that your parents can read your mind sometimes? Even as an adult, sometimes my parents just laugh and say I’m just like one of them. My hubby doesn’t have 32 years of experience, he has 7. Plus he doesn’t have my family “genes”…. so when you think about it, of course he can’t read my mind! He’s a different gender, grew up in a different home, and hasn’t had much practice (yet!) This is something I’ve really been starting to understand in the past few months. I need to be direct and tell him, or else how can I expect him to know?
I did like the male/female perspective provided by having both spouses author this chapter. For me, a lot of the reading was me realizing stuff that I should tell DH now that I’m no longer expecting him to read my mind….
Given our past with each other, the section called “Differences Gone Awry” was another that I have multiple highlights in. I want to know that I am “the exclusive source of [his] sexual stimulation” — I’ve asked him this question before, albeit while we were in the midst of physical intimacy struggles, and he dodged the question.
“You have not felt loved by your husband in nonsexual ways and therefore do not feel fully valued for being more than a warm body in your sexual relationship,” Oh have I wrestled with this one, especially when I was struggling with vaginismus, and I felt like the only thing he wanted was the one thing I couldn’t give him.
Also, I appreciated his pointing out how difficult it is for many women to be intimate “while being fully present in mind, body, and soul” because I’m sure everyone else out there has had times of the brain wandering to the dishes piled up, the dryer beeping that the load in finished, and even the unfortunate “I’m a little dry and he needs to hurry it up because it’s starting to not feel so good” moment.
Overall, in this chapter I found reminders to engage with my hubby, and be present, and listen, and respond to him while being as clear as I’m able to about my wants and needs. Giving him not only the gift of my body, but also my mind and spirit.
Yes, this is true! You said…
Also, I appreciated his pointing out how difficult it is for many women to be intimate “while being fully present in mind, body, and soul” because I’m sure everyone else out there has had times of the brain wandering to the dishes piled up, the dryer beeping that the load in finished, and even the unfortunate “I’m a little dry and he needs to hurry it up because it’s starting to not feel so good” moment.
(What is your opinion on this? How do you fix these distractions? How can you work to be fully present for him? If I am not careful this can be one of the biggest intimate stoppers for me)
I guess I pointed that out because I have difficulty there.
I try to be very intentional about keeping our bedroom free of “piles” and that is hard because we are both pilers. Clutter distracts me, so laundry stays in the laundry hamper (inside the closet) or in the laundry room. This is a goal, I can work towards a goal! We have our phone ringers turned off in the bedroom. We don’ t have kids, so I can’t really speak to that, maybe someone else will chime in.
I also think that since I’ve been taking yoga, and did a short meditation class, although I really think I just connected this just now, a lot of that is centered on mindfulness and focus, so with it I’ve trained myself to use my breathing to focus myself, so that’s helping too.
For me, it boils down to intentionality. Sometimes, you can just decide to focus on HIM. Sometimes, that doesn’t work at all, your mind is just racing. But, if you are intentional about it, then you are making progress.
I’ve also started trying to pray for him in the relaxed moments afterwards, when we are snuggling, making a connection that way (no words come out of my mouth, just inside my head).