Sacred Sex: Chp. 7

I enjoyed reading this chapter.  I admit that I didn’t underline or highlight nearly as much as I have in previous chapters, but that isn’t to say that this chapter was lacking.  I agree wholeheartedly about the three lies of sex (p. 135).  Pleasure, Passion, and Freedom are all things that are widely misunderstood by many couples.  Yes, God does want us to delight in our spouse and have fun, but there is more to sex than new techniques or toys.  Listen to this quote pulled from page 139:  “If we pursue sex for the fun it brings, then we’ll never experience the soul connection that is promised in this holy union.  And without that depth of emotion, we cannot know true sexual freedom.  The superficial pursuit of fun robs us of the genuine freedom God wants us to enjoy.” And later on in the chapter he also talks about the freedom to say no to sex instead of feeling like you are obligated to say yes every single time.

I found the paragraphs on differentiation pretty fascinating.  I am actually at a point in my own life where I am trying for the first time to really work on being a differentiated person.  Trying to find that balance takes a conscious effort.  For me it also takes a lot of metacognition.  It seems that more often than not, I’m finding myself thinking about my thinking and thinking about why and how I’m thinking what I’m thinking.  I’m trying to understand myself better so that I can communicate and express myself better.  It isn’t an easy process but I’m finally at the maturity in my life and marriage where it is happening. (Or so I hope!)

What did you think of his “Three Sexual Encounters?”  To recap, these are taken from p. 148:

  • Fast-Food Sex: quickies and spur of the moment sex with no planning; sometimes orgasm sometimes not
  • Informal Dining: some planning; both giving to one another; not orgasm centered although it frequently happens; emotionally connected
  • Five-Star Dining: commitment; time involved (hours even days); not just sex; unconditional acceptance; this is true “making love”

It’s interesting to think back and see how often each of these scenarios apply to our own marriages.  Does your marriage have more Fast-Food Sex?  Do you and your dh often take the time to plan some Five-Star Dining in your marriage bed?  Are you both happy with the sexual encounters in your marriage?


  1. Hi, what do you think he means by “depth of emotion” as it applies in the actual event?

  2. I liked this chapter and all, but it just didn’t really resonate with me. I guess I just got stuck on his point that “fun” is not the point of sex (which I get) but he went on about how when sex isn’t fun that means it’s boring. For me, fun and boring are not opposites. For me, even when sex is not FUN (in all capital letters) it still isn’t boring.
    I did like the section about Differentiation. That applies to so much more than just sex.

  3. I agree about the part on differentiation applying to many areas of one’s life. That is kind of a fascinating topic for me! I had first read about it in Dr. David Schnarch’s book: Passionate Marriage… but I became frustrated with the “heaviness” of that book and quit reading it. Maybe doing an online study of that book, where I could hear input from others would help me.

  4. I believe he is talking about that emotional “Oneness” that was discussed in a previous chapter… instead of just focusing all of your attentions on trying to achieve orgasm.

  5. A Model for Marriage by Christian couple Balswick and Balswick has good teaching on differentiation thoroughly grounded in Christian theology. I enjoyed Schnarch’s book, but it certainly is not ‘Christian.’

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