Weekly poll #86: How long have you been reading CN?

Sacred Sex: Chp. 7

I enjoyed reading this chapter.  I admit that I didn’t underline or highlight nearly as much as I have in previous chapters, but that isn’t to say that this chapter was lacking.  I agree wholeheartedly about the three lies of sex (p. 135).  Pleasure, Passion, and Freedom are all things that are widely misunderstood by many couples.  Yes, God does want us to delight in our spouse and have fun, but there is more to sex than new techniques or toys.  Listen to this quote pulled from page 139:  “If we pursue sex for the fun it brings, then we’ll never experience the soul connection that is promised in this holy union.  And without that depth of emotion, we cannot know true sexual freedom.  The superficial pursuit of fun robs us of the genuine freedom God wants us to enjoy.” And later on in the chapter he also talks about the freedom to say no to sex instead of feeling like you are obligated to say yes every single time.

I found the paragraphs on differentiation pretty fascinating.  I am actually at a point in my own life where I am trying for the first time to really work on being a differentiated person.  Trying to find that balance takes a conscious effort.  For me it also takes a lot of metacognition.  It seems that more often than not, I’m finding myself thinking about my thinking and thinking about why and how I’m thinking what I’m thinking.  I’m trying to understand myself better so that I can communicate and express myself better.  It isn’t an easy process but I’m finally at the maturity in my life and marriage where it is happening. (Or so I hope!)

What did you think of his “Three Sexual Encounters?”  To recap, these are taken from p. 148:

  • Fast-Food Sex: quickies and spur of the moment sex with no planning; sometimes orgasm sometimes not
  • Informal Dining: some planning; both giving to one another; not orgasm centered although it frequently happens; emotionally connected
  • Five-Star Dining: commitment; time involved (hours even days); not just sex; unconditional acceptance; this is true “making love”

It’s interesting to think back and see how often each of these scenarios apply to our own marriages.  Does your marriage have more Fast-Food Sex?  Do you and your dh often take the time to plan some Five-Star Dining in your marriage bed?  Are you both happy with the sexual encounters in your marriage?

Sentence Starters

Finish the following sentence in the comment box:

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If I compared myself to a cake flavor, I think I’d be a ______ cake, because …

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Bringing Out the Superman in Him

“Hello, My husband and I have only been married for 10 months. I am 24 He is 31. First I have a much higher sex drive than he does and I am starting to be cranky around him and would rather masturbate because when we finally do have sex it really wasn’t worth my while so to speak. We’ve been together a total of four years and things weren’t perfect before marriage but it was better. I am trying to become a Better Christian woman now that I am saved. Although it’s a struggle with my husband because he isn’t as passionate about CHRIST as I am. I know prayer is the key but in the mean time I am hurting because of his disconnection both physically and emotionally. I’d like him to lead as he should and I have no problem with being submissive in our marriage. In other words a strong GODLY man is what I desire and is extremely sexy to me. I don’t want anyone else I want him to be that man. I admit that I married him while we were both unsaved and that Now I’d like to see a change that only Our GOD can bring into a life. Second we have two children ages 2 and 5 months mind you I am only 24 and fill I have sacrificed a lot . I dont want to end up bitter and divorced but I admit I have resentment. Please pray for our family and offer some wise advice. Thanks “

We recently got this letter in our email box, and it really sparked an interest in me.  There were some things I can relate to and others that I will depend on God to help me answer.

At my church, we have had several guest pastors lately while our pastor was ill.   One of them did a message that took us all over our bible, which I liked very much, and he really spoke to my heart.   He spoke of several things that I have had a problem with in the past, and I hope that I am healed of.

In Genesis, man had a perfect unity with God.   God gave man everything that he needed, even the realization that he needed a helpmate, a wife.  God provided for Adam and Eve’s every need.   He only gave them one rule….do not eat from the tree in the center of the garden.   Out of all the trees in the garden, only one was forbidden.  Should be easy, right?  Nope.  It was the temptation.  The serpent knew it and he used it.  And do you notice that in Genesis 3:6, the woman was the leader and the man followed her?   I never thought of it that way.  Adam knew what God said.  He knew it was wrong, but he followed his wife in eating the fruit.  Ladies, even today, we are still trying to take the lead when it really is our husband’s responsibility given to him by God.

This goes back to the reader’s comment “…it’s a struggle with my husband because he isn’t as passionate about CHRIST as I am” I know I am guilty about judging my husband’s relationship with Christ.   Who am I to judge?  I am responsible for MY relationship with Christ.  I can’t make him do what he is “supposed” to do.   My responsibility is to respond to my husband with what God told ME to do.   Ephesians gives us our roles….

Husbands:  Love your wife as Christ loved the Church. (Ephesians 5:25)

Wives: Submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

There is that word….submit.   There are some women that equate that word to slavery, but hear me out a minute.  I use a Ryrie Study bible (NASB) and in his notes about submission, Dr. Ryrie, a Dallas Theological Seminary professor states, “…the subjection is to be mutual and based on reverence for God. The differing responsibilities, if followed bring harmony, but if ignored, they bring difficulties.”  The latter is what I think this young lady is experiencing.

If you are like me, you take that, “If you want something done right, you’ve gotta do it yourself” attitude.  I brought that into my marriage.   There were things that I had always done “this way”, and even when our son was born “my way” was better than “his way” even though in the end we accomplished exactly the same thing and got the same result.  My husband has always been a hands on kind of man.  He wanted to be involved in all the details of our wedding.   While I breastfed our son, he wanted to be able to hold and feed our son, too.  He wants to be involved in everything.   My expectations of love from him were different than the way he loved me.   We really had bad communication issues.   The more I didn’t get my way, the more distant I felt towards him.  I am still that way at times as well, and I am hopeful that I am more apologetic when I do get that way.

Ladies, if you were to ask your husband what is the #1 thing that makes him feel loved, what would he say?   I know what my husband would say.  Respect.  Respect lifts a man’s spirit in ways that we cannot know and understand.   When a man feels respected at work and at home, he’s like Superman.   He feels strong.  He feels secure.   He feels loved.  Ladies, it starts here.   If our husbands don’t feel respect from us at home, it starts a downward spiral for them.  I hope all of your husband’s are like mine in this way….when we went through my refusal years, I did not respect him very much at times, and sin fed into our sex lives.   If he didn’t do anything that I considered respectful to me, sex was my tool to show how I felt.   But I didn’t realize this until much later….my husband continued to love me like Christ loves the Church.   He didn’t leave me.   He didn’t have affairs on me.  He didn’t reach out to porn on the computer.   He loved me so much that he was willing to sacrifice his own sexuality and his own needs to show me how much he loved me.   Does that ring a bell?   Didn’t God give up his precious, only Son for us?   His sexuality is one of the most precious gifts to me, and he was ready to pray that God take it all away if it made me happy.

Yes, it is hard sometimes to respect a man who doesn’t seem to respect you.  God didn’t tell us that it was okay to be disrespectful if we weren’t being respected.  God didn’t tell us that we were supposed to take the lead when our husband doesn’t seem to want to like Eve did to Adam.   We are to respect our husband no matter what.   There is bound to be ONE thing that you find respectful in him that can start the wheels turning in your relationship.   “Honey, I really appreciate that you go out day after day and work hard for our family to meet our needs. “ Even words that show you desire him.   My husband says if a man can see that you are being truthful, showing is more important than saying.  Then once he gets a little bit of that “Superman” feeling in him, he will be ready to try to please you as well.

Pray for all aspects of your husband’s life.  Pray for his job, for temptations, his choices, his health and stresses in his life, his attitude, his walk with Christ, his self image, his obedience to God….pray for his wife.   I don’t know how you are praying, but pray that if there is anything in you that needs changed, that God will bring it up to you to fix in yourself first.   If your husband sees that you get more pleasure in masturbating than in sex with him, pray that you can show him your desire is for him and not for your own personal gratification.  Pray for a time when the two of you can sit down and talk about your sexual needs.   Ask him what you can do to make intimacy and pleasure better for him.   Communicate your needs to him.

To the writer of this email, I am not certain how long you and your husband have been saved, but sometimes it is overwhelming, and it is the hardest right after you were saved.  There are doubts about if you were really saved or not.  Life seems harder at first.  It takes time to settle into what the bible says and it is not easy to just start doing what the word of God says when you are used to doing something else.  If you are not already in a church together, I suggest looking for a church where you both feel comfortable with the teaching and the relationships.  He may need to join in a men’s group and make friends who can help and guide him along, being examples for him.  In the meantime, my suggestion to you is this…. 1 Peter 3:1-6 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” I have seen this in my own mother, who has been married to an unbeliever for over 40 years.   It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.  I have seen things in my father recently that may mean that he has given his life to Christ, but even if not, my mom hasn’t waivered in what God calls her to do.  I strive to be that same woman to my husband.   If there are times that I am disappointed in his walk with Christ, it is not my job to judge him or take charge of his spiritual life.  It is to walk like Christ, so that he might see Christ in me.

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Weekly poll #85: Our blogroll sites, which ones have you visited?

Sacred Sex: Chp. 6

I’m not sure about you all, but I found chapter 6 to be a lighter read than the previous chapters.  Finally a chapter that I felt like didn’t step all over my toes.  (Or maybe this was the chapter that finally stepped on yours?)  I absolutely LOVE the fact that he invited his wife Amy to co-write this chapter.  It flowed well from his POV to hers.

I liked the discussion about the difference of the sexes, and in particular the part about how sex is never just about sex, but rather is always full of other things as well (p.114)  Tim tells us that men want to feel loved and desired by their wives, and having a wife initiate sex makes them feel that love & desire.  Amy then asks women:  ” …to prayerfully examine their view of sex.  Is it something you do merely to satisfy a physical urge of your husband and therefore you can say no, knowing he won’t die and not worrying too much about it?  Or is sexual intimacy a way for you to reach out and love your husband in a way that touches him on a deeply emotional level and therefore makes him feel valued and loved?”

The way they described their evenings was easy to relate to (p.115).  They each shared their expectations and hopes for how the day would end from coming home from work, dinner, putting the kids to bed, etc.  It really makes you think when you see it coming from two different perspectives doesn’t it?

I think the part on fatigue may hit home with many women (p.117).  Those two paragraphs, while short, pack a strong punch.  I have those entire paragraphs highlighted in my book.

Oh, and the part about breakfast…what a great comparison!  He asks wives if we knew that our husbands felt the most loved if we would get up twice a week and make them some eggs and bacon would we do it?  It doesn’t matter that he has the means to make it himself, nor does it matter if sometimes an outside factor makes it so that we can only do it once…the question is that if we know that is how our husbands feel the MOST LOVED, would we make it a point to do that for them twice a week?  Now change those eggs and bacon to making love… yeah, a bit of an eye opener, huh? (For more on this read pgs.124-125)

As usual there was much more to this chapter than I can write about.  They actually wrote a lot geared toward the husbands as well, talking about respecting your wives and showing them nonsexual love and gentleness.  They also talked about being sensitive to your wife’s needs.  I liked their idea of having a “Date to Communicate” (p.129)  This would definitely be a great chapter for couples to read together.

Okay ladies, what was your take on chapter 6?

Sentence Starters

Finish the following sentence in the comment box:

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I sure wish I knew a better way of talking to my husband about ______.

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Deep Spot Orgasms

Okay, so by now we have all heard of the g-spot and know basically how it works.  But have you ladies also heard of the “deep spot?”  Apparently it responds much the same way the g-spot does, but it’s…deeper in the vagina.

In fact, the “deep spot” is all the way at the back of the vaginal wall, beside the cervix.  From what I have read, there is a “front” which is in the small pocket in front of the cervix, on the upper part of the vaginal wall, and there is a “back” which is behind the cervix on the back part of the vaginal wall.  These are both supposed to be sensitive areas that can be aroused, stimulated, and made to bring about orgasm.

I found mine over a decade ago, but had never heard of it.  All my husband knew was that I had a spot waaaaaaaaay deep inside that could send me over the top if he was able to consistently brush it with the tip of his penis.  It was tricky because if he hit my cervix, it HURT! 😯   I found that the more aroused I was the easier it was to find, because my body would “balloon” a little inside and the cervix would tilt a little.  (It was made even easier to find after I had my hysterectomy a couple years later and said buh-bye to my cervix!)

You stimulate the deep spot by having your husband use the same “come here” motion that he uses on your g-spot…just deeper.   He will need to insert his middle finger as far as he can get it.  Your husband can also use his penis to brush back & forth, trying to hit the same spot each time.  For me it has remained a mystery because it isn’t something that works for us every time.

The few websites that have information about this are…questionable at best.  I was planning on linking to one for you, but when I tried to close out of it, it started giving me all kinds of pop-ups asking me not to leave the site 🙄  There is one very good video that I found though.  The website is slightly questionable, but the video is very well made.  All it shows is a partial woman’s body made out of foam, and a man using his finger to demonstrate how you reach and stimulate the deep spot.  If you are interested in this then click here.  There is no nudity, but there may be questionable links in the sidebars and crude comments in the comment box.

So have any of you ladies noticed that you have a “deep spot?”  What works for you in achieving orgasm this way?

Weekly poll #84: Which category is your favorite on CN?

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