Sacred Sex: Chp. 10

And so we read the last chapter of this book.  It seemed to tie everything up that we’ve read thus far.  I love the first few pages that talk about how our lives are saturated with contracts, to the point that many of us even think of our marriage as one.  We each said what we would do for each other and then we sit around watching to make sure that the other lives up to their end of the ‘contract.’  But what we entered into on our wedding day wasn’t a contract, but a covenant.  Gardner goes on to explain how a covenant has two parts; an oath and a symbol or action to back up that oath.  He references Genesis 9:11-13 where, after the flood, God made a promise (His oath) and then gave the rainbow (his “sign of the covenant”).  For us, the vows we made on our wedding day were our oath, and the act of sacred sex is our sign that consummates our marriage.

He goes on to say that wonderful marriages take work, which we all should know by now.  He says:  “…great marriages and great sex lives don’t just happen.  They are created by faith in God and by consistent, hard work…To have a great, God-honoring, soul-touching sexual relationship, we must seek our mate’s needs above our own.  We must seek oneness above pleasure… We must ruthlessly battle against any outside force (pornography, abuse, other relationships) that would seek to destroy our intimacy.  We must accept our mates just as they are, as God’s perfect gift.  We must see sex as a celebration of God’s presence.  We must enter into utmost intimacy with our mates with a perspective of sacredness, holiness, and grace.” (pg. 204)

Gardner reminds us all that love is more than just a feeling…it involves actions.  When you love someone you should want to show it.  You should want to “fill their love tank” by speaking to them in their primary love language.  And if there are hurts or things in your past that hinder you moving forward, he reminds us that:  “God is bigger than any hurt and greater than any cold relationship.  He can bring you out of the wilderness and into the Promised Land.”

I’m glad that I decided to read this book.  It wasn’t overly long and brought up some very good things for me to think and pray about.  I really haven’t mentioned much about the discussion questions at the end of the chapters, but I feel like the ones at the end of chp. 10 are some really good final questions that wrap up the essence of the entire book.  I haven’t been reading this book with my husband so he is unaware of these questions.  I have decided to do #1 on page 208 and just see how it goes:  “Make a list of three things you can do to make your mate feel more loved and cherished.  Include those things you know you’ve been avoiding.” He goes on to ask us to not mention this to our spouse, but rather to just do it and see where it takes us.  I haven’t decided on the specific three things yet but when I finish writing this article I’m going to put pen to paper and write a physical list.  I encourage all of you to read through the questions on pgs. 208-209.  They are a good wrap-up to this book.

This will be the final discussion area for the book Sacred Sex.  Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read this along with me and comment about how it has affected you.  If you have any final thoughts or key points that you’d like to bring up, you know what to do! 🙂


  1. I find it hard to seek oneness above pleasure. I do love the oneness, but is it wrong to look forward to sex because of the amazing physical feelings?

  2. I don’t think that is wrong at all. I too, very much look forward to the physical pleasure that sex brings. I think we just need to make sure that our entire focus isn’t on just that. What I have found though, is that sometimes my focus is on the pleasure only (ex: quickies)…and then other times my focus is more on Oneness. For me I think it all evens out!

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