Q&A: Flirting

What do you all do to flirt with your husbands to lead to sex
or to simply flirt to show playfulness and interest in him still?

I thought this would be a fun discussion. I really believe that flirting throughout the day is important. It helps me to be mindful of my husband as more than just another being in our home when he and I take the time to be playful and affectionate.

How do you define flirting? To me it is being intentional about giving subtle cues that you want your spouse to draw close to you. Is your husband going to catch every cue. Probably not. Please don’t be upset by that. Flirting is a playful, fun game. Like yesterday at dinner my husband and I ended up sitting on the same side of the table. This doesn’t usually happen, but our kids had set up their own little kids’ table so we were able to sit side by side. At one point I said something and rubbed his inner thigh and then took my hand away. He grabbed my hand and brought it back. It worked, but not every cue is received, even the more obvious ones sometimes.

So what kind of flirting have you discovered to be enjoyable and effective? Hand holding. Undoing a button on your shirt. Leaving a note for him to find during the day. What flirting ideas have you enjoyed the most and which ones get results? Do you find that there are things which your husband does that work to make you draw close to him, but that don’t work so well when you do the same for him? Which things work for both of you?

I liked how the question which sparked this discussion was phrased. If you are a couple who enjoys flirting, do you reserve it primarily as immediate foreplay or is it sprinkled in throughout the day? For me, flirting during the day can be the difference between a night of sex or not. It’s that important. It’s important for me to see him doing it and it’s important for me to be intentional about doing it for him too.

So what do you think? I’d love to hear what you all have enjoyed most in your flirtatious acts towards your husband.


  1. Sometimes flirting with my husband is as little as a wink, other times, I might rub too close to him with my breasts and go very slowly, or rub his manhood through his pants as he walks into the kitchen. If I walk into a room and we’re alone, I may get his attention by lifting my shirt and flashing him! I once read a story of an older couple who would place $1 in a box each time they had sex and they had done this their entire marriage. The grown daughter tells of remembering her daddy coming home from work some days and flashing a dollar bill at her mother. Never understanding what that was all about until she was about to get married and her mother gave her a money chest, I can imagine the ‘hot’ chills it probably sent through that busy mom’s body each time her husband walked in the door showing that he ‘wanted’ his wife by waving his $1 bill! Also, it would be a FUN way to build a nest egg! I think tomorrow I will pack a pair of sexy undies in my husband’s lunch box. Maybe a little love note each day, just to make him feel special in front of the guys at work! I want my man to feel loved and desired by his lover! Kissing him in front of the kiddos is another fun flirtatious trick, or leaning over in front of him to give him peak at my cleavage when nobody else is close enough to notice-let him know it’s for his eyes only!

  2. I try and text him something flirtatious every day. But I need to be careful…
    My 16 year old son and I share a cell phone. I check up on what he texts on occasion. And once I read something that I confronted him about that was very inappropriate for him. Come to find out that was a text I sent to my hubby. It made for a good laugh and also showed my son that Mom and Dad love each other with some creativity.
    I’m also a touch-oriented person, so I like any type of contact throughout the day; even in public (discreetly).

  3. I LOVE flirting throughout the course of the day and evening. My husband works nights and we use text as our biggest way to flirt and I like writing him scenarios through text of what he can expect when we see each other again which works wonders πŸ™‚ Let’s just say I’m a really good story teller! LOL We like writing each other notes and leaving them throughout the house, or writing out words or phrases with ABC magnets on our fridge (no kids, so we don’t have to censor)! We also like a touch or kiss or comment here and there when we’re busy or out and about to stay playful until we have time to connect again. Love, love, love flirting! It’s the lifeblood of our intimacy in many ways because it keeps us mindful of each other. It’s hard to let your mind wander or dwell on little arguments or problems that come up when you’re consciously trying to make an effort to express affection and attraction on a regular basis.

  4. I love flirting via email with my hubby while he’s out at sea. Granted, there’s only so much we can say back and forth, using his email account while on the ship, but boy do we know how to go about it! πŸ˜‰

    Other things I do while he’s around is walk up behind him when he’s seated at the table, give a quick kiss on the cheek or the side of his neck, and then rest my head on his shoulder. 9 times out of ten he’ll respond by putting his arm around me, kissing me in return, or playfully run his fingers in my hair at the top of my head :).

    Then of course, there’s always the teasing questions ;).

  5. absolutely theofficerswife!

  6. text messages, notes left all over the place, emails and messages on the bathroom mirror (in dry erase marker) are all our chosen flirting methods. I agree that the playful back and forth during the work day is what makes me want him the minute he walks in the door.

  7. I must confess I haven’t been much of one for flirting. I had a friend who was a flirt but didn’t limit to her husband. It put a negative image in my mind, but reading the ways your flirt with your DH I see a whole different side. I am going to have to work on this. I know my DH would love it. I’m being adventursome and starting a belly dancing class next week. I might get some good ideas from there too.

  8. Our new fav thing is sending text messages during the day. Sometimes they get HOT and other times it’s just the sweet “you are the best thing in my life” messages. It really helps us stay connected and thinking of each other. As for when we are together, I will just give him a quick touch when walking by or steal a kiss when he’s not expecting it. My dh is learning how to be more assertive when it comes to initiating and we have discussed how important it is that I feel his WANT for me before we get to the bedroom. In the past I could be completely naked while getting ready and he wouldn’t even bat an eye, but now he will at least come and kiss me on the back or shoulder or more…I had never really thought about “flirting” with each other until we had problems, but I realize now how much it does to keep you in touch with your spouse. NOW, he still will miss some big clues, but he’s learning :o)

    Oh, and just last night we had a date night where I went commando and when we got to the movie I let him know by giving him a quick feel!! That was WAY new flirty for us, lol.

  9. That is So funny!!! Embarrassing, but yes, it shows you love each other!

  10. This summer I saw an elderly man on TV talking about what is sexy. He said “I don’t care if she is 85 years old, a woman who is playful is sexy” I shared that with my H, he thought about it for about a half second and said “He’s right.!”

    If you are new to text flirting like I was this summer start small and sweet. “You looked really great this morning, I can’t wait to see you tonight.” Then you can start spicing things up. At one point this fall, after a steamy text exchange my H sent me one that said “WHO are we?” I sent him one back that said “…not sure but we are fun!” we had been married a bit over 20 years at that point. Now we are less than a month from our 21st anniversary and we are absolutely happier than we have ever been.

    prayer, flirting, prayer, lots of good selfless sex prayer and a clean house can do that for a marriage πŸ˜€

  11. AWESOME! haha! Speaking of other reading your texts…I recently texted my husband while he was out of town for one night at a conference with a bunch of guys. It wasn’t anything too racy AT ALL, but he had his iphone sitting beside him and the guy next to him could see what I wrote. The iphone displays text messages on the screen right when they’re sent, and if it’s sitting out all the world can see the text. Since then I have been pretty apprehensive to text him flirty things because I can be a little bit private/shy and don’t want others to possibly see what I say to him. Plus, the time before that I texted him reminiscing about the hot sex from the night before and he did not have a clue what I was talking about! LOL I was trying to be flirty and he was just confused. πŸ™‚ I will not give up on it, but I am a little discouraged by my last few efforts. hehe

  12. One of my favorite ways of flirting is to sit on my husbands lap. Depending on the situation, I like to just sit on his knee in a casual playful way or I like to face him and straddle him on his lap just to talk (if that doesn’t lead to something more I don’t know what will!!!). Of course lost of kisses, little touches and groping while doing normal things, little love notes, starting a little wrestling match or play fight, actually saying the sexual innuendos that come up in conversation between us…stuff like that. My husband does not like tickling or silly kisses, so I have to be careful to not put him off by playing that way. I just like to do and say things that let us know that we’re still friends and lovers everyday.

  13. I love flirting with my husband. We just celebrated 18 yrs of marriage in March! I’m thrilled I still turn him on. ;0). We flirt by texting, touching, comments said in passing…. simple things but sexy “turn me on” things!

  14. We text each other flirty little comments, using phrases that seem innocent, but we know that each of us is referencing sex. We also “accidentally” bump into each other at home and he’ll put a hand on my breast, or bottom, and I’ll sometimes give him a goose in the butt as he walks by and say “nice butt” and wink. We try to see what we can get away with when the kids aren’t looking. It makes it fun.

  15. My husband is NOT a flirter – and this is very disappointing to me. For our 17 years of marriage, I have tried everything from simply squeezing his shoulder as I walk past his desk, to sitting in his lap, to squeezing his backside, e-mails, etc. I get absolutely no response. I feel very lonely and rejected by this. He seems to reserve anything sexual for late at night, in the dark, after the children are asleep. Reading your comments above – I feel something major is missing in my marriage.

  16. Katrina: My H was VERY inhibited by the presence of our kids too. Our daughters’, now 20 and off at college, bedroom is directly above ours and he has a hard time relaxing if they are home. That may be your H’s issue too. He may be uncomfortable with the whole “My kids’s mommy”/sex kitten thing. That is what I assumed our issue was and in a way I was right.

    But, what I found out after 20 years of thinking I was married to a non-flirty guy is that I was not loving him according to h is love language. In fact I was loving him pretty well in every way BUT his love language and I didn’t know it. He didn’t feel as loved as he needed so he didn’t feel flirty with me. He couldn’t have articulated it then either, he just wasn’t feeling it

    Now that I know and am doing something about that it is like I have found a new side of the guy. My marriage is so so much stronger.

    Maybe your man is just a non-flirter but maybe you are like I was. If you can find out his LL and give everything you have to loving him that way you may be able to bring out the flirt in him and he may become more demonstrative. Maybe not, but it is worth a try. And FWIW, I think that what you are doing in the flirting dept sounds good. Don’t give up! Your H is a lucky guy!

  17. I agree with those before me. My husband is not a “physical touch” kind of guy, so even though that’s what I need throughout the day, he never would reciprocate those little touches unless he was in the mood for “full steam ahead” action. When we talked about it, I finally understood that instead of physical touches throughout the day, he needed encouraging words and verbal flirting. Now when I give him those little “pick me ups” verbally, he’s way more inclined to give me the hugs and kisses and snuggles that I need. We had to be VERY direct in asking for what we each needed to get to that point, so just ask! “What can I do for you in little ways that will let you know how awesome and sexy I think you are?” He will probably be flattered that you are interested in his specific desires and needs.

  18. as silly as it might sound we like wordplay… he might tell me he had a hard day and I will immediately launch into asking him questions about it being a “long, hard” day and he will start responding in the same manor… sometimes we just can’t help but giggle at our silliness but other times it really “revs our engines” so to speak (did you see the word play there LOL)

  19. SEXTING ROCKS! It takes some doing I admit, but getting a descent pic of your self in a sexy outfit pays huge dividends. Particularly when you both know it will be a couple of days before you can get down to business.

    I think to certain extent fliting is innate. My hubby doen’t have it. I do. It is such a natural thing that I have to work really hard at not doing it. My hubby has laughed and said that’s one of the first things he noticed was that I could joke and tease with anybody and not think of it as anything.

    Confidence is the biggest thing involvved with flirting. If you can make small talk you can flirt. If you can’t make small talk , learn to use you eyebrows and mouth to make your points. It is shocking to see how much pouted lips will do to get the attention of any man , any time. Like a car crash they just can’t keep thier eyes off!

  20. I think all of you who text flirt are lucky. My husband has asked specifically that I do not as his boss would not find the humour in it if he saw it.
    Some things I do:
    – Get hot while exercising (usually dancing) and have to take off my shirt
    – Decide I need to stretch and just happen to give him good views
    – Reach for something and brush my breasts on him or brush his penis with my body
    – Eat seductively – deep throating a fudgsicle is a winner – ice cream is always good, it can easily be dropped onto cleavage too.;)
    Ravenwolfe is right – a pouted mouth and eyes that tell volumes work everytime. My husband once told me when we were dating that I was the only woman he knew that could walk into a room and flirt with everyman in it as soon as I entered. It is how you hold yourself. – the sway of your hips, the thrusting out of your breasts, the flick of hair, the eyes that say “I am your wildest dream”. Now try to take all of that sexual energy and focus it on him.

  21. B’s Bride and TommyGirl…you both seem to have found ways to get your husband to tell you exactly what it is he needs. I’m still struggling with this. I ask outright and get a shoulder struggle. I experiment with every way that comes to mind and try to gauge his reactions to “see if that method worked.” We’ve been married for 17 years and I understand that it’s taken us 17 years to get into this rut (although he has never been a communicator) and could take us 17 more to get out of it. I told him that the reason I married him was because of how good he felt when he hugged and kissed me. We did not have sex before marriage, although neither of us were virgins. That being said, I KNOW how to flirt. I have a problem keeping men away from me even now in my mid-40’s – and sometimes have to work very hard to turn off whatever message I am sending. I’m rambling here…so I guess my question is this: what methods did you use to get your husband to convey his “love language” to you?

  22. Hi – Have you read the book The 5 Love Languages? It is an excellent book, and can help you figure out your husband’s love language and the best ways of meeting his need for love and affection.

  23. I know how you feel… the hubs doesn’t respond to my cues either. Sex seems to be reserved for in total darkness, super late at night, and in one place only: the bed. BORING. Trying to think of a way to bring up how I feel without him shutting down. Not sure what really happened between us; we used to be spontaneous.

  24. Like noelsell says, I bought the book and I asked him to take the survey in It . That identified him as an “acts of service” guy. He couldn’t have articulated it but when I started doing more for him he was the able to tell me how much it meant that I was taking care of him better than ever….that led me to want to keep at it and here we are now. After 21 years, more in love than ever.

  25. I have been talking to my husband for years about what I call MOS – male-oriented sex. I have explained to him that women generally need more than intercourse in bed at night. Even if the woman has an orgasm, a steady diet of that kind of sex is not what most women want. We have come a long way with this in our marriage, but it is easy to fall back into that pattern. Could the two of you read the book Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman? If not, could you read it and tell your husband about some of the things you learned from it? I think that a way to bring this up without seeming to put your husband down is to say that you want to have a great sex life with him and you are learning more about how men and women are different in what they want and enjoy in a sexual relationship. I have done this and it isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile. And I had to talk about it more than once over the years. But all in all, this area of our marriage is greatly improved.

  26. Hi, it is really nice reading all your comments, i have been married for 5 years now, Love my Husband to pieces, but he can be really selfish and do and say things that really hurt me, so finally it dawns on me to take my marriage to the “cross” coz i have been sitting around habouring all these ill feelings and my husband has no clue coz he does not know that i holding all these grudges…. any way he is the biggest flirt there is always doing all these things to get my attention and me being the grouch missed it all, any way since the year began i have been “praying with out seizing” so to speak and i have forgiven him and learnt to let go began a dialogue wth him and come to realize this man is as clueless as one could get very oblivious to the things he does……. last year we had sex no more than 5 times and this year it was going to be less, but for most of this month we have had sex almost every day coz i have learnt to re-submit to him and love him for all his faults, i am alittle shy, ok VERY shy with the flirting, i want to but REALLY SHY…….. he has tolerated me, didnt stop loving me and flirting with me and telling me on my worst days how beautiful i am ( i would go and check in the bathroom right after and get so mad coz i could see my reflection and would not call me beautiful) any way i know he would appreciate a good daily flirt and like the reassurance that i love him and always will……… so i guess will keep reading…..

  27. Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Lehman can’t say enough great things about it!!! Opened my eyes to so many things.. Has helped to make me a better wife and lover!! It took 15 years but my hubby now has the sex kitten and more!

  28. I’ve read through your responses over the months, have tried some of the suggestions. Was met with an eye-opening statement a couple of weeks ago and haven’t been able to get past it. My husband finally told me outright, “Your need to be hugged and touched during the day time is the same as a man needing to go to a strip club before coming home so he can be turned on.”

    There you have it. My God-given need for affection is apparently equated to pornography in my husband’s mind. How do you even deal with a statement like that?

  29. Wow that’s harsh! My h made a comment to me about my neediness and I told him that his hugs and kisses and touching me was like what sex is to him. It was the emotional closeness I needed to fully give him the emotional closeness he needed (sex) We have steadily made progress in better understanding each others needs. the books For men only and For women only were a great help for us as well.

  30. its similar, but not the same, yes a wife needs to be nurtured, loved, touched by her husband to feel emotionally connected to him, daily,,, to be able to reciprocate to him his sexual needs. but what is not the same,for example,, is the husband should be visiting his sexting messages from his wife,, not going to a strip club to get turned on. his analogy is scewed but not totally incorrect. I think further discussion on that would help clairify that yes you do have needs, but its from your husband, not an outside source like a strip club.

  31. I think what he really needs is to hear that sentiment from another man. I’ve tried every way I can think of to get the point across, but it’s not been well received. I believe if a man said, “Hey – your wife NEEDS this…it’s how God made her…” it would make all the difference in the world. The books are piled on the bureau unread. He’s a man’s man and places high importance on what other men think. He also would probably not like it very well if I personally asked any of the men we knew to take on this challenge.

  32. Good point. Thanks.

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