Weekly poll #92: How close have you ever come to having an affair?

If more than one response is appropriate, you many choose more than one.

21 Comments

  1. When I was dating I had roving eyes and was a serious flirt. One of the ways I knew my H was “the one” was because that never happened with him.

  2. I thought this was so appropriate given that I have just been through a very weird experience! Somehow I started emailing one of my kids coaches really no intention of anything and before you know it he was emailing me like 4 times a day. I kinda started getting antsy like I wasn’t sure for him it was just friends for me totally! Anyways thru counsel of friends on how to handle the situation(because he was and still is my son’s coach) I had to get very short with my answers and bring my husband into the conversation. It was so strange I looked forward to hearing from him but then as we started emailing more and more I started feeling uncomfortable and realized the fact that he really was looking for something more. I had to really step back and think I was just being nice but he was not at all looking at it that way it was a great lesson for me to really listen when my husband says guys can’t be just good friends with girls they dont work that way! I have friends that are guys but I dont email them all the time and I think that is where you can get caught up and not even know it! I know I’m sure a lot of you would disagree with me and probably before this I might have said that myself but it is such a fine line to get close to someone who is not your husband. Anyways just a tid bit from my experience!

  3. some advice i’ve heard – if you have to email with someone of the opposite sex, send a CC to your spouse. a bcc might be more professional, but a cc lets the other person know your husband (or wife, it was actually a man’s advice) is reading too.

  4. I would like to know out of all those who did have affairs, how many marraiges have survived? is your marraige stronger now then before? Is your intimate life tarnished forever or has it become better then you ever known? How did your spouse come to terms with what happened and be able reconsile and find that altimate connection you once had?

  5. steph; a year ago my H of 20 years was exchanging friendly text messages with his high school gf…they hadn’t been involved for over 30 years and I knew they were in contact. Anyway he was like you. He trusted that it was friendly and because she claimed to be a Christian and was a married woman living on the other side of the country he didn’t think it went beyond adolescent reminiscing and harmless kidding back and forth. When I was made aware of how frequently it was happening I was sickened and frantic and crazed because every instinct I had was screaming that she was after him. He really didn’t think so in spite of what was to me clear evidence, he maintained….”she is a wife, a mother, a Christian.” Still our of respect for me and our marriage, he discontinued contact with her.

    What do you know, not too much time later she came out solo to her high school class reunion…still a married, mother and spent the weekend with another guy she went to high school with. At that point my H just shook his head. He had wanted to see the best in her so that was all he was looking at he was floored that she was “on the prowl” and admitted that I was right all along about her and that she was not the person he had given her credit for being.

    Just sharing because I think that oftentimes, the person seeking the affair is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They ingratiate themselves to their “target” in a seemingly innocent way that seems to contradict the “guys and girls can’t be friends” thing. They seem to put themselves in the “friend’ category when all along they have plans to make it more. The strategy legitimizes to a degree the relationship and lures the target in more and more deeply until they realize that this “friend” is fulfilling roles that should only be filled by the spouse.

    As difficult as this was for me, I am more grateful than I can tell you that it happened. It was this incident that showed me how I was neglecting my husband as an intimate partner in our marriage. He was wrong to seek flirtation outside our marriage but I really had not been treating him the way I should have for a long time. It was because of this that I committed myself to being my H’s girlfriend and wife and taking such good care of him that any further contact with this woman or any other would be repugnant to him. He has told me repeatedly that now I love him so well that a “force field” has been erected and that nothing like last spring’s flirtation can ever happen again.

    A few months back H sent me a message that read “What a happy marriage you have created for us.” Every day I make it my mission to reinforce that and as a happy coincidence, everyday I am rewarded doubly for my efforts.

  6. I have had a similar experience myself (ashamed to admit, but feel the need to share).

    A close friend of 30 years ago found me on Facebook. I told my H right away; he teased me about how quickly after I set up my account that the guy found me (a week). The first weeks we just talked about old times and he had old pictures of our old friends (including my H). He too is a married Christian with kids.

    As time went on I got obsessed with chatting with him; total ego boost. I was surprised that I had no sexual feelings toward him. He sure made it easy for me, but it actually repulsed me. But the emotional high was what I desired. (JUST AS WRONG! I should NOT give any part of my heart to anyone EXCEPT my H.)

    I must admit it sure felt great getting all this attention. Unfortunately this went on for about a year …. many, many chats. He said he’d been looking for me all these years. I knew it was WRONG, my friends told me to stop, etc. I kept justifying it by telling him we should stop and that it’s not right; knowing he had NO intentions of stopping.

    It wasn’t until a few things transpired; my oldest son (24 yrs) got scolded by his older sisters for texting multiple girls at a time (many hurt feelings and failed relationships). I also went to an intense breakthrough conference with some close girl friends and everything came out and I confessed it all to them, and my H when I returned. I was pretty petrified to go home and tell him the WHOLE truth.

    He was so gracious and forgiving. I also confessed to my kids, especially my oldest son. It’s been a great awakening for me over the past 2 years. I have just recently found the CN site and it has helped me SO MUCH wih many things such as the “good-girl” issues, masterbation, toys, and that Christian girls can have great sex. I also keep myself accountable to my H and a few close girl friends; checking in with me about my activities on the Internet.

    Reading the stories, questions and comments here has been such an added blessing to us as a couple. Thank you!

    My H and I have grown so much closer over this horrible mistake I allowed to captivate me. He is my everything and I focus all my thoughts on him and chat and flirt with him even more now. I am FREE!

  7. I have never, and will never consider it. Even if I didn’t love my husband (which I do, very much) I have a lot if integrity. I have one close female friend, the rest are men. And yes, we are just friends. I think that if you believe men and women cannot be friends that it says a lot about who you are as a person and how you view the opposite sex.

  8. Hotnana: I will pray for you and am glad that your H took the loving route! I am happy that you are free.

  9. I was not sexually pure when I met my husband. I was never faithful to any of the guys I dated. I have never been unfaithful to my husband, physically or emotionally. I respect him, I didn’t respect the other guys I dated. I think that is the difference, for me anyway. I do not have male friends who are not a husband of one of my female friends. I will not be alone with any man other than my husband.

  10. I’ve had a “crush” on someone other than my DH, but it never went further than that.

    I had a crush on my husband’s best friend, his cousin, a guy I worked with and I guy I had a college class with. I never entertained my feelings or even spoke to the any of the guys one on one. I was a virgin when I married, so I would always wonder how my life would have been if I had hooked up with one of them. I told my husband about the crushes and he said he had already known I had I crush on his best friend and cousin. I am not sure how he knew but my husband can read me and I feel comfortable telling him everything.

  11. I do agree that people can be friends with members of the opposite sex. But when it comes to any form of intimacy, not just sexual intimacy, a married person is potentially opening up a Pandoras box where the “friend lines” get blurry. Our marriage vows includied “forsaking all others” and to me that means, my secrets, my fears, my best times and biggest laughs are with my H. I am friendly with guys but if something wonderful or terrible happened there is only one man I run to to share, my husband. I think we probably agree on that too.

  12. Wow that so interesting how it all transpired! I have to admit once I brought my husband into the conversation all the emails stopped immediately and that was how I really figured it out! I was initial hurt because I thought he wanted to be my friend but then I realized it was God’s grace that I saw it so early! That is so awesome that it changed your marriage it is so cool how God works isn’t it!

  13. You know that is great advice thks!

  14. Of course I agree. But honestly I don’t see male and female friends as different in that respect. I would never tell my best girlfriend secrets instead of my husband, or turn to her first in times of crises. My priorities are: 1st my husband, 2nd everyone else. The gender of my friends has nothing to do with where they stand or how I treat them.

  15. I had a “crush” on a friend’s husband one time. It was a tie when DH and I were having a slightly harder time. (No excuse) It never went farther than that though.

    On a different note. One time I found an old guy friend on Myspace and friended him. There was NO interest on my part in pursuing a romance. I just wanted to loosely connect with an old friend. Like a hi how are you where has life taken you thing. A few days after friending him he put up some poems he had written (made no sense by the way) and then some pictures that were apparently supposed to impress me. Then after a month or so he sent me a private message clearly prodding to see if I was happily married or maybe feeling discontent. I didn’t answer it and put up a picture of me and DH kissing (Evil grin) and let him look at that for about two days before unfriending him. After that message I didn’t contact him further and just let my picture do the talking. Its amazing how many people try to pick up old friends and formers romantic interests that way.

  16. I always thought that an affair was something I would never, ever do. I still think so but three years of a difficult marriage has made me a lot more sympathic to people who do find themselves caught up in love/lust for someone they need to leave alone.

  17. I never thought I’d do it either, but it just happened. I, too, connected on FB with a high school acquaintance and we really hit it off. We started emailing, and chatting and one thing lead to another and we started seeing each other. We fell in love and talked about leaving our families but because of MANY different reasons we decided to stay with our spouses to try to make our marriages work. It’s been a year and a half and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and wish I was with him.

    I told my husband and right away he forgave me and placed blame on himself for not being the husband he needed to be. I tried to take the blame because I made a choice. We agreed we were both at fault. We’ve been in counseling off and on and it’s helped some, but we have a long road to travel.

    Thing is, if somebody had told me 2 years ago they were having an affair (mine was never sexual) I would’ve judged and thrown scripture at ’em. Now, I see it in a completely different way. We never know how we’ll react to something until we’re in a situation and I’ve learned not to judge what other people do. Actually, I’ve probably judged myself harder than anybody else for what I did. And yet…I still wish my life was different. 😦

    That said, this is my second post on this site, although I’ve been reading for months. CN has helped us get closer and make things better between us because of what I’ve learned here. Although…still a lot of work to do. Thanks, CN ladies.

  18. Good idea–just for safety.

  19. My husband actually had three emotional affairs on me, and I can tell you from experience that it is very very painful and heart breaking. I noticed that you said you wish things were different, but if you think about it logically, things seem like they would have been great with that person, but really that’s just a fantasy and not reaility and not fair to your spouse because you were comparing a relationship without the everyday life situations so really there is no way to tell what life would be like with that person, the grass is always greener on the other side you know? It’s great that you are working in your marriage and want things to work out, the husband you have is the man God created for you, and I can tell you also that when something like this happens the betrayed spouse feels like you have chosen someone over them and that is not fair. Make your marriage the best that it can be and pray and ask the Lord to break any emotional, physical and spiritual ties that you might have with that person, and reconnect with your spouse, if you have thoughts of the person take every thought captive to christ and let him heal your mind and heart, pray that he gives you a new love and attraction for your spouse that you have never had before. And just as a side note, try and do things for your husband that makes him feel charished and loved because when this happens you pretty much feel the complete opposite of those things to your spouse.

  20. I have to disagree with the statement “the husband you have is the man God created for you.” I think the idea that God created one person for everybody is dangerous. I have heard people justify having an affair this way “What if you are already married when you meet your soul mate? Are you supposed to just miss out on the person you are supposed to be with?” Plus, this can create unrealistic expectations for your spouse. I think God simply created us for Him and that is why only He can fulfill all of our needs. If we expect our mate to be designed for us, and therefor capable of meeting our needs, we are going to feel very let down when they do not perform as expected. But if we see our mate as someone God created for Him and that He is sharing this person with us for a time, I think that it creates a better perspective on our spouse.

    I say all of this because the reason my husband and I got together in the first place was because I felt God leading me to love him. This has been a huge blessing and and issue in our marriage. Because I knew that I married the one God wanted for me, I thought everything would come easily. When our sex life took work, it really hurt me. I thought that if he was made me for me then we would naturally just fit. I also thought he would never really hurt me until he did. He did not have an affair but did keep secrets from me that involved another woman and broke a promise that we had made to each other before we got married. It broke us. But God put together a new “us” and now I see that God put my husband and I together not because we were made for each other but because He knew that these two creations would be beautiful together. God is sharing His person with me and I love him as God’s person, not as my own. For me this has made all the difference and I hope this different perspective makes a difference for someone who reads this too.

  21. I had an affair with my husband’s best friend at the time. It started with me innocently flirting with him. When he started paying attention, it became more than innocent. I liked the feeling I got, so I starting thinking about him. I did NOT find him attractive at all.. Nor did I think he had a great personality. I just liked what I felt..( I guess being the novelty and forbidden aspects of it?) We secretly dated for a few weeks.. We made-out during this time, but we never had sex. The entire time I was with him, I was wishing it was my husband instead. Every time we kissed, I wished I was kissing my husband! I was actually fantasizing about my husband when I was with this other man! We didn’t have any major problems in our marriage (aside from the “new-ness” of our love fading, which happens in every long-term relationship.) I couldn’t stand it any longer, so I had to tell my husband. Even though it was completely my fault and I had given him every reason to walk away… he actually fought for me! He fought to keep my love.. he stood up for me and let everything fall on his friend (with whom we have no contact anymore.) I can’t explain everything, like why I did it, but I have learned SOO much about commitment and love from this experience! I renewed my vows to my husband and will NEVER, EVER let anything like this happen again!


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