Love and Respect: Chapters 5 – 7

Please only participate if you have read the chapter for context. If you haven’t yet had a chance to read these chapters, you are welcome to return to this post when you have.

Chapter 5 Observations and Quotations

1. When a husband and wife are in the Crazy Cycle, who should be the first to turn things around? For Eggerichs, the Lord lead him to this conclusion: the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature. My immediate response is different. I believe that the one who first recognizes that they are on a cycle of disrespect and a lack of love should be the first to make a change. What is your conclusion?

Page 76 Some wives fear that taking a respectful attitude during conflict with their husbands will render them powerless. These women do not believe a husband will change into a loving man unless he is awakened to his flaws. And the only way he will awaken to his inadequacies and faults is to hear his wife’s grumblings, corrections and contempt.

2. Do you think it is possible to mention flaws that you see in your husband without grumbling and contempt? In other words, can you maintain respect and also bring correction at the same time? I can. I think a wise woman can pick her timing and create an atmosphere of humility so that correction can be given and received.

3. Do you identify with the suggestion that when you get angry and lose your self control, that it comes from a place of wanting to be loved? While I agree with it in part, I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that. I think a lot of variables influence our emotions during conflict.

Chapter 6 Observations and Quotations

1. As mentioned in this chapter, do you feel a tension between unconditional respect and being a hypocrite? How does your heart respond to respond to the idea of respecting your husband even when you are not feeling like it?

Page 90 I am asking the Lord to show me ways to show [my husband] genuine respect. I have definitely seen a difference in his attitude toward me. 

I believe this is the key. The Lord knows you. He knows your husband. He knows how you can show genuine respect in your marriage in a way that will be authentic for you and meaningful for him.

Page 91 Showing respectful behaviour when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity, not hypocrisy.

So true. Amen?

2. On page 92 Eggerichs presents some verbiage that helped him more clearly communicate with his wife. “Honey, that felt disrespectful.” This is the sort of language that allows you to express yourself honestly without it becoming an attack on your spouse. What other phrases have you used with success?

Chapter 7 Observations and Quotations

1. On page 110, an excerpt from a letter recounts how God brought breakthrough to a marriage by softening the man and woman’s heart. I believe that any time we can humble ourselves and maintain soft hearts, there is going to be good fruit in our relationships. It has certainly been that way in my home with my husband, but also between us and our children. Have you experienced this good fruit?

Please feel free to share your own insights and questions below. Please be ready next week to discuss chapters 8 through 10.

3 Comments

  1. hi ladies i havn’t been participating thus far; but i have read this book and attended a video conference. ive been following your comments and have enjoyed reading the insights. the reason i am responding is because this is exactly where i find myself right now.

    when my DH and i enter into the crazy cycle (which we did this morning) i find that a quick way to ‘diffuse’ the heat is to say that, “we are going onto the crazy cycle.” however, the pattern that i’ve noticed is that the convo ends and it never actually gets resolved. i don’t think that is what Emerson means to happen; but it works for us.

    i think all marriages are different and you have to learn what respect is for your own husband. sometimes it will be DH who recognizes it and sometimes it will be me. but in both situations, it only really gets resolved, if i yield. which brings me to the ‘rewarded cycle.” (which is presently, ‘where i live’

    it is possible, totally, to correct your DH in love and humility. but the real question is, will you be able to maintain that same love, respect and humility and step into the rewarded cycle when your correction (even done properly, that is, in a Jesus way) is not accepted … but even turned back onto you, as being your weakness.

    personally, i have found that my DH is wanting my counsel for all areas of his life … except my own heart. what i mean is that i can point out his sin … when it is against others, ie: someone at his work. this is when the methods in the book work. however, when the offence is against my heart, the correction isn’t heard.

    i believe when a wife sees this pattern over and over again, it is proof that she is the more mature one … the stronger one. this is a mixed bag of emotions lol … and requires more strength and faith than i ever thought i would have in God.

    the two verses that the Lord are making very real to me are these ones:

    Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honour to one another.

    “giving precedence” means to go before and show the way, to go before and lead, to go before as a leader, one going before another as an example of deference; in honour preferring one another. This idea of giving preference is not what our English word(s) convey; you would think that it means letting someone have the bigger bowl popcorn, with you getting the ‘short end of the stick’ by having the smaller one. Or that you are letting people take advantage of you because you ‘give in.‘ When in effect what is happening in the spiritual world, the real world, is that you are actually being the leader, by demonstrating how its lived out (by example). This is what Jesus did the whole time He was on earth; it is the whole purpose of His coming down to earth from heaven; and the part of the purpose He became a living sacrifice that culminated in His execution; to show us how to do it. He, went before to show the way.

    It is the strong that lead because it requires strength of maturity to do so, not the weak and immature. which leads me to the 2nd verse:

    Romans 14:1 says: As for the man who is a weak believer, welcome him [into your fellowship], but not to criticize his opinions or pass judgment on his scruples or perplex him with discussions.

    the whole idea of “welcoming him into your fellowship” is the idea of being in relationship with him (DH). the end result, as always with God, is to seek to bring us together rather than divide us.

    and YES AMEN to you Cinnamon!!! ” Showing respectful behaviour when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity, not hypocrisy” My flesh want” s to say the opposite (you gotta admit, it IS a pretty good argument) but isn’t this the epitome of being wise like a serpent!

  2. You write, For Eggerichs, the Lord lead him to this conclusion: the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature. My immediate response is different. I believe that the one who first recognizes that they are on a cycle of disrespect and a lack of love should be the first to make a change.
    I agree with both statements; however, yours makes more sense. It seems that it’s easier for me to recognize we’re on the crazy cycle and know I need to make a change because of that fact than to think myself more mature.

  3. This book saved me! Being the mature one takes a lot of work. I was able to grasp all of this for 5 months straight, and so much fruit in our lives was happening. About a month ago, I fell short again, hoping for the reward cycle, I was upset with my husband’s choices/views about life, and now I am back to square one, picking up myself to be the mature one. He has no interest in the Love and Respect. The conference will be at my church this coming March, but he won’t go, and it’s too expensive right now for us. We have major financial stresses.


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