Please only participate if you have read the chapter for context. If you haven’t yet had a chance to read these chapters, you are welcome to return to this post when you have.

Chapter 3 Observations and Quotations

1. One of my motivators for wanting to read this book was that I wanted insight into how to be respectful even when my husband is not acting in a way that is worthy of respect so I really appreciated the focus in this chapter on unconditional respect.

Page 43 A simple application is that a wife is to display a respectful facial expression and tone when he fails to be the man she wants.

Do you agree with this? What about our hearts? Is it respectful to have a smile on our face and contempt in our hearts? I think it’s fairly easy to hid contempt by putting on a “good Christian girl” mask. What is a respectful facial expression? Is it just making sure you always have a pleasant look on your face? Can you be angry and respectful at the same time? These are important considerations for us if we want to respect our husbands as the Lord commands.

I loved this quote from page 44: When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he’s responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and he muss also earn her respect.

This makes so much sense to me. While I believe that unconditional love and respect ought to both be present in the heart of a husband or a wife, as specific commandments to husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, this quote is a good reminder that love and respect in marriage is not to be earned. It is to be freely given with confidence.

I think we have spent so long hearing messages about unconditional love, that unconditional respect seems less honourable. It seems reasonable for us to love one another unconditionally, but to respect each other unconditionally doesn’t seem worth acquiring. What do you think about the notion of unconditional respect? Do you think this transfers over to how we treat one another in the kingdom of God?

2. On page 47 Eggerichs points out that even though both men and women need love and respect, there is a primary drive in each sex that a man’s higher need is respect and a woman’s higher need is love. Do you agree with this? Personally speaking, I think I get more triggered negatively when people treat me disrespectfully than when they treat me unlovingly. Many of my hurt feelings in my marriage were caused because I felt disrespected. I can not relate to the idea that I seek to be loved more than I seek to be respected. I really value them both, BUT I do value frequent reminders that my husband loves me over reminders that he respects me.

3. I am confused by the references in this book like the one on page 49 that typical wives are “lovingly critical and complaining.” Is this confusing to anyone else? I certainly know a lot of wives AND husbands who are like this, but I would say that it is far from typical. Most of my friends treat their spouse with a lot of kindness. “Lovingly critical” seems like a great oxymoron to me. Do you know people who criticize out of love? I do not.

4. At the end of the chapter Eggerichs takes the time to address the concern that some women have that if they offer unconditional respect to their husbands, they will become victims of abuse. If a woman fears this it is even more important that she reflect on the questions I posted above about what it actually looks like to be respectful because I think that it is possible for a women to respectfully put up boundaries about how she is treated. I think it is possible for a woman to be angry and respectful at the same time. As Eggerichs points out, husbands and wives are equals. While the husband is called, even to the point of death, to protect his wife, neither one is above the other.

Chapter 4 Observations and Quotations

Page 58 Men need to feel respected during conflict more than they need to feel loved.  

1. This quote was Eggerichs’ response to a survey question that during conflict most men or more inclined to feel disrespected than loved during a conflict. How does this knowledge influence how you approach conflict with your husband?

2. On page 60 the author shares what he has observed in a lot of couples. I can not relate to it as my husband and I are completely opposite so I am curious how this has played out between you and your husband. Eggerichs says that a wife sees tense exchanges as opportunities to potentially increase love between them so she presses in, but the husband finds the conflict to be an argument that he wants to escape from so he becomes quieter. What has been the pattern in your marriage? I found the end of this section particularly negative towards women and not overly helpful. Telling women that they are complainers and that if they keep it up the marriage will probably end in divorce isn’t a good way to motivate them in my opinion. What do you think?

3. On page 65 Eggerichs says that he has asked a lot of businessmen if they would prefer that their associates love them or respect them and they all say that they want respect. As a businesswoman myself, I think this is more a reflection on the context of business rather than a reflection of their core need for respect. In business, respect is always more important that love. Do you agree?

Page 69: When a husband feels disrespected, it can provoke him so quickly he doesn’t see his unloving reaction, which would be obvious to any woman.

4. When your husband responds to you in an unloving way, what strategies have you found most helpful in quickly getting the two of you back to a place of unity? How do you effectively restore love and respect?

Page 72: I’m not trying to hammer wives – I’m trying to help them, because I know how pivotal the wife’s respect can be in slowing down the Crazy Cycle. Yes, many men are unloving clods to one degree or another, but they can change. In fact, many of them want to change, and the best way to get them to change is treating them with unconditional respect. 

5. I am really confused by this. WHY is the author putting so much more emphasis on disrespectful wives, while so quickly excusing their “unloving clods” for husbands? It seems that he believes men desire to learn to be loving, but women do not desire to learn to be respectful. I just do not understand the communication efforts of the author at this point.

Your comments are welcomed. Please be prepared to discuss chapters 5 through 7 next Monday.

May 9, 2011
Categories: Love and Respect . . Author: cinnamonsticks . Comments: 3 Comments

Chapter 1 Questions and Quotations

1. On page 5 Eggerichs shows a diagram of the Crazy Cycle. Can you relate to this in your marriage? Have you noticed that when you feel unloved that it causes you to act in a more disrespectful way? What works for you to break the cycle?

2. Starting on page 9, Eggerichs shares a story of how his wife gave him a gift and his reaction caused her to assume he didn’t like it. She assumed it because no one she was close to reacted with a calm thank you when given a gift. It was always received with much fanfare and excitement. Have you experienced this? Have you found that sometimes your husband acts in a way that is so directly contrast to the environment you grew up in, that it leads you to a conclusion that seems obvious to you, but is not actually a fair conclusion in the end?

3. On page 10 Eggerichs points out that sometimes what we say isn’t wrong, but how we say it is very inappropriate. Have you seen this in your marriage? I can remember one time speaking something harshly to my husband and he looked like I had punched him in the gut. What I said wasn’t wrong, but how I said it was. Can you relate to this?

4. In the story of the author forgetting his wife’s birthday, I felt like his wife sort of tried to trap him into forgetting by hiding her cards the week prior. I think she actually was hoping that he would fail. Do you agree? If it was really about hoping that he would remember her birthday, wouldn’t she have left the cards out for him to see or mentioned something about it? Could that moment of pointing out to him that he forgot give her a feeling of power? Can you relate to this at all?

Page 16 When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

5. Do you agree with this quotation? Have you found it materialized in your relationship with your husband? When you feel unloved, how do you most often react?

Page 17 Unfortunately a wife’s usual approach is to complain and criticize in order to motivate her husband to become more loving.

6. Do you agree with this statement? I do not agree that this is a usual approach for women. I do not think women are naturally negative and critical. Those behaviours are learned, AND unlearned. As we grow in our life in the Spirit, I believe that any tendency we may have had before towards those things, is transformed and we become much more like Christ in how we motivate people.

Page 17 I often ask husbands, “Does your wife love you?” they reply, “Yes, of course.” But then I ask, “Does she like you?” And the answer usually comes back, “Nope.”

7. I thought this was a healthy, challenging idea. Does your husband know that you like him? This idea actually motivated me to take the time send my husband a text that I liked him. I want him to know! I want him to know by what I say, but also by how I treat him. What do you think?

8. On Page 18 Eggrichs introduces the concept of unconditional respect. Using 1 Peter 3 as an example, he explains that even an unbelieving husband needs a wife who treats him with respect, and the Word actually goes on to say that respectful behaviour is one of the ways her husband will be won over to Christ. We will discuss it more in the following chapters, but do you agree with unconditional respect?

Chapter 2 Observations and Quotations

1. I can not say that I can relate to the idea of being offended by my husband accidentally buying a birthday card for our anniversary. My husband and I would laugh and think it was hilarious, but in the face of other situations where I may misinterpret his good intentions as unloving, I still strive to be kind in how I speak to him. For example, my husband often brings me tea with honey in it rather than sugar even though I have told him I do not like the taste of honey in my tea. Do I think he is trying to convert me to liking honey? Do I think he is adding honey because he doesn’t care about my preferences? No. He is bringing me tea because he cares about me and that is where I put my focus. Can you relate to situations like this?

2. Eggerichs points out several times that “five out of ten couples in the church are divorcing.” He connects it to a lack of love and respect in the marriage. Do you agree? I do, at a base level, and I believe that we need to be proactive in moving towards giving and receiving love and respect in our marriages. What are you doing to move in the opposite direction of divorce?

Page 29 I have concluded that those of us in the church, who believe we have the Truth, are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s word has been completely ignored or perhaps simply gone unnoticed when it has been there all the time right under out noses!

3. Do you agree with this? Do you think it extends beyond marriage? Do you think there are still a lot of God’s truth’s that are veiled in your eyes? If so, how do you seek truth?

Page 30 Why is communication between husband and wives such a problem? It goes back to the fact that we send each other messages in “code,” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

4. Can you relate to parts of this? Do you agree that miscommunication is gender-based? What has worked for you to communicate more clearly?

5. Starting at page 32 Eggerichs expounds on this gender-based miscommunication by indicating that men and women were created by God to see and hear things differently. Do you agree this is true? Do you agree with the author’s arguments and the scriptures he chose to support his position? If so, how have you worked to learn your husband’s communication style?

6. On page 35 Eggerichs cites a study that was conducted following 2000 couples in their marriages over 20 years and says, These people came from diverse backgrounds and had widely differing occupations and lifestyles. But one thing was similar – the tone of their conversations. As these couples talked together, almost always there was what Gottman (the doctor conducting the study) calls “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: love and respect. These are the direct opposite of – and the antidote for – contempt, perhaps the most corrosive dorce in the marriage. I firmly believe this is true. I think husbands and wives who treat one another lovingly and respectfully, without contempt, are going to find that they have a lifetime of predominantly pleasant interactions. What do you think?

7. On page 36 the author argues that the reason why the Word doesn’t command a women to agape-love (unconditionally) her husband is because God created her to do it naturally. I don’t think this is a fair way to approach scripture. If so, then the same would be true that the husband isn’t commanded to respect his wife because he is naturally created to be respectful. I don’t think either the husband or the wife is naturally prone to one or the other. I believe the reason for the commandment is because God knows that husbands need respectful wives and wives need loving husbands. What is your opinion on this?

8. On page 37 Eggerichs parallels our need for love and our husband’s need for respect as an air hose to a love tank. When we do things to our spouse which cut off the supply of love and respect, it causes a reaction. Do you agree with this? Have you seen it play out in your marriage?

Do you have any other insights or perspectives from chapters 1 and 2? Feel free to share them below and interact with my questions and quotes above.

Please be ready next week to discuss chapters 3 and 4.

May 2, 2011
Categories: Love and Respect . . Author: cinnamonsticks . Comments: 3 Comments